How do you view 'the wife'?

[EpochTime]

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

Horrific behaviour? LOL

What a generalised load of bullshit thing to say.

*” Funny how you see it as men using me and not me using men ”

And there we have it, in case anyone was in doubt of what utter psychopaths OW are

Gleefully admitting to using people, with a grinning emoji. Grim

Horrific?! I don't know his wife from Adam. I have no responsibility for someone else's marriage.

@lescalanques

Horrific?! I don't know his wife from Adam. I have no responsibility for someone else's marriage.

Do you feel any sort of responsibility towards anyone other than yourself? Or is it each for their own in your world?

Because while I appreciate you have no responsibility for someone else’s marriage, pretty much every decent human being lives by some sort of moral code where their own behaviour doesn’t unnecessarily fuck over other people in the world, especially when it’s just for their own sexual kicks or because they have such low self esteem that it’s easier to take down someone else than get help for their own issues

I also know what my ex-H told the OW about me (I am ashamed to say I read their correspondence). It did hurt much more than the infidelity itself. I was lazy, let myself go, gained 20 kg in a year, the house was a mess. He had also realised how dumb and unintelligent I am, unrefined with poor manners, no appreciation of finer things and a rough primitive personality in general. She was the only person who has ever understood him, a remarkable woman, one of a kind, a love of his life, a light from above.

What he didn't say that 20 kg weight gain was my 8 months second pregnancy with gestational diabetes, we had a 1 year old already and I had a full time job that had to cover 100% of all expenses at that time as he took a stress-related break from employment and went on a couple of long holidays away from home. True about the house though, was very messy.

They even managed to get married somehow without her knowing at that time that he has children with me - I was just this abstract horrible monster who managed to trap a decent guy somehow.

I suspect a lot of people have had some degree of 'overlap' in their relationships. But most people I know who have been and OW even for a very brief period of time don't exactly pat themselves on the back about that part of their relationship history.

I think people make mistakes but decent people acknowledge what they have done and fee guilt over it.

Also interesting on here how many of the OW were very young and sounded as though they were coerced whether they realise it or not into affairs with older men in positions of power.

@frazzledasarock

That’s not the same as being an active party in directly harming someone though is it?

Me not eating or eating cornflakes is no way comparable in being an active part in knowingly directly causing harm to someone.

Using large firm produced goods is not comparable as the direct harm is not caused the consumer it’s caused by the company the ceo the board of directors who sanction, endorse and justify the behaviour who also receive immediate gratification.

Knowingly having sex with married person is horrific behaviour and no way comparable to buying clothes from primark.

It’s an odd thing to compare ones own unjustifiable behaviour with.

No and I said 'these things aren't the same'.

But you said I try and behave in a way where I don’t hurt others and I was pointing out that that isn't polar opposite to an affair. You can have an affair and still be a good person who try's not to hurt others. And you can not have an affair and be a bad person who hurts others. And all the shades in between.

@tenbob

*” Funny how you see it as men using me and not me using men ”

And there we have it, in case anyone was in doubt of what utter psychopaths OW are

Gleefully admitting to using people, with a grinning emoji. Grim

You can't take the one person on here who is being gleeful and conclude that is evidence of universal attitude

Can’t be bothered to name change but have been in both situations.
I was OW and naive and stupid. We fell in love snd I never even think about her. He did not bad mouth her. His guilt corroded our marriage though. He had an affair about 17 years in, which we worked through (incidentally thanks to Mumsnet - different name then. Mumsnet people were lovely snd wise and saved me) I found out when the OW H contacted me telling me she had been told I was a harridan, no sex -complete lie.
But some years later ha had an EA with a woman who was bored with her H snd looking fir a meal ticket. I realised that she had helped him concoct a fantasy that suited them both about me.
She left her H.
We’re divorcing now.
She probably thinks she has won the prize. (My STBXH richer than her XH)
She won’t know that he has begged ne not to divorce and has told ne he will not saddle himself with her 4(!) kids.
Too late.

@tenbob

*” Funny how you see it as men using me and not me using men ”

And there we have it, in case anyone was in doubt of what utter psychopaths OW are

Gleefully admitting to using people, with a grinning emoji. Grim

Yep Every woman in every situation is exactly the same and must be a psycho

@tenbob

*” Funny how you see it as men using me and not me using men ”

And there we have it, in case anyone was in doubt of what utter psychopaths OW are

Gleefully admitting to using people, with a grinning emoji. Grim

The grinning face was actually to do with the fact I found it hilarious that the poster automatically presumed that it was the man using the women and it couldn’t possibly be a women using a man for sex.

Ohhhh no... it had to be a man using me Ridiculous.

Rediculous.

Why do ow always feel the need the ennoble themselves to vindicate what they are doing.

I'm such a good person in all other area's of my life but not this.
Whilst asking are you a good person wife?

You are knowingly and willingly hurting another person, causing harm and pain to another human being.

Please don't try to justify your actions, just hold your head up high and state I am selfish person and I do this by not giving a fuck about anyone else.

@Onthedunes

Rediculous.

Why do ow always feel the need the ennoble themselves to vindicate what they are doing.

I'm such a good person in all other area's of my life but not this.
Whilst asking are you a good person wife?

You are knowingly and willingly hurting another person, causing harm and pain to another human being.

Please don't try to justify your actions, just hold your head up high and state I am selfish person and I do this by not giving a fuck about anyone else.

You're blaming the wrong person . If it wasn't a specific OW it will be another if your H is that way inclined . How about your H not giving a fuck about you and your children ?

I actually think it's important to note that the OW is often a less physically attractive woman who maybe struggles to get attention from available men. Married men are less fussy as they aren't looking for a long term thing. So the OW has already had quite a hard time in life anyway, already quite bitter? I wouldn't hold too much water in their opinion.

Gee I’m glad I don’t walk around thinking I don’t owe anyone anything.

I try hard to make ethical decisions even about things that affect only strangers. I can’t imagine living differently.

@MrsWindass.

I did not mention the husbands in that post, but yes I agree the men who cheat on their wives are morally repugnant people.

I also did not speak of blame, I said that ow are selfish people.
I am criticizing the character and morality of a person.

In all my years I would never have an affair with a married man, it has been so easy not to.
You either would or you wouldn't.
Don't you think?

You either would or you wouldn't.
Don't you think?

I don't.

I was in the 'definitely wouldn't' camp. Until I did.

And it's not that I don't think I owe people anything. Im just not sure I owe a stranger my happiness.

@User7886

I actually think it's important to note that the OW is often a less physically attractive woman who maybe struggles to get attention from available men. Married men are less fussy as they aren't looking for a long term thing. So the OW has already had quite a hard time in life anyway, already quite bitter? I wouldn't hold too much water in their opinion.

Well this is the biggest load of bullshit Iv heard 😂

@Roff

*You either would or you wouldn't. Don't you think?*

I don't.

I was in the 'definitely wouldn't' camp. Until I did.

And it's not that I don't think I owe people anything. Im just not sure I owe a stranger my happiness.

There you go then..... your'e a self entitled person., who doesn't think about others.

So you would be miserable to make a stranger happy?

Truly? No equivalences or qualifiers?

@roff

Why does someones happiness have to be at the expence of someone elses?

Yes then, I would be miserable to make a stranger happy, but I would never be in that possition because I would never have had an affair with a married man.

Call me old fashioned.

it's easy to oversimplify an idea of somebody we don't know. OWs often stereotype the wife as sexless, boring, miserable mummy. Wives often stereotype the OW as cold-hearted, opportunistic, homewrecking sluts. Now, all of these stereotypes could be true for some OWs and wives, but the reality is that humans are so much more complicated than that. Good people are capable of making mistakes, hurting people, lying, etc. Surely not all of you are sin-free virgin mary! Having an affair shouldn't forever cast somebody as 100% evil, immoral, scum-of-the-earth people. We're all just people. Anyway... i'm not answering the question now.

At first i compartmentalized (or i tried to compartmentalize) and didn't think about the wife. I struggle with severe depression and I was going through a dark age and was being very impulsive. Ultimately, i can't compartmentalize very long and i was overcome by guilt, shame, jealousy, you name it. Like a swinging pendulum, i sometimes saw the wife as homely, plain, lazy, un-sexual, pathetic, but that was probably just a coping mechanism because i don't genuinely think any of those things. Other times, I saw her as beautiful, angelic, talented, superior, supermum. MM never talked badly about her and they eventually separated anyway. Reality is that i dont know her, i don't know the dynamic of the relationship or what caused the decline of their marriage. I take responsibility for my part but i do believe that affairs are usually a symptom rather than a cause. Not necessarily that an affair is a symptom of an unhappy relationship or marriage, rather a symptom of an unhappy, unresolved or broken person.

I had an affair - and no she wasn't a boring wife at home with the kids. She was a very glamorous woman who seemed to have a pretty good life.

I didn't particularly think anything about her - I knew she existed but it was out of sight, out of mind. I just wanted to be with him and that was that.

I also had a husband at that point. We both got divorced , and during that time I got to know a lot about her, as my partner got to know about my husband.

We married once we were both divorced and have been together a total of 18 years, 13 of them as husband and wife. We both see our ex spouses at family events and it's all pretty cordial. We also see each other's exes and it's quite friendly and civilised. Our kids know both of us and our other children, and they like each other, talk on Facebook etc.

I don't think you can generalise about affairs or the people involved in them. We're all different and our lives are different.

It is horrific behaviour.

I watched from the sidelines when an ex friend had an affair with a married man. He left his wife and newborn child for friend. She thought it was great that he valued her so highly.

That is horrific behaviour. I had to cut the friendship off when she would not stop being mean about the ex wife. It was unnecessary continued nastiness.

I can’t ever imagine my happiness being dependant on sleeping with a married man.

Ex used to have affairs (can pinpoint them all now with hindsight), during his affairs he’d become more critical and violent towards me. Nothing was right or good enough and I was never good enough either, my favourite personal criticism; apparently I was too short 🤣. Can’t actually ever change that so I was never going to be good enough.
One OW left her job when she realised I was pregnant, she gave ex a goodbye card. She sounded sad and contrite (ex made me read the card). I think she had a lucky escape.

A lot of the time I think people have affairs because there’s opportunity. Nothing terribly wrong in their lives they just enjoy the thrill of the illicit.

Sometimes I’m sure it’s a way for people who are miserable to jump ship from their marriages and step nearly into a new domestic set up.

Sleeping with a married man is horrific behaviour, you can tell that from reading some of the anguished posts on here about posters who suspect their partners are cheating and are made to feel like they’re crazy.

If it was right you wouldn’t be doing it secretly.

Not all affairs are relationships some are a fwb arrangement. Two married people having sex with each other - new, enthusiastic and excited to get naked together. Not something that can easily be replicated in a long standing relationship.