How do you view 'the wife'?

[EpochTime]

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

I mean, as opposed to dealing with it in a more constructive way

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

What am I meant to fulfillingother then a basic need for sex as and when I want it with someone I physically find attractive.

Your life , no single men out there to sleep with no?

I think some women get a buzz from it tbh. I know a woman like this. She actively seeks out men in relationships to have sex with, though she doesn't manage it as much as she would like. She freely admits she likes the challenge. Never manages to hold down a relationship of her own though. Some women are just so flattered by any attention from any man that they will happily go along with whatever shite he spouts.
I find it weird.

As do many men They basically get a kick out of shagging someone else's wife

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

What am I meant to fulfillingother then a basic need for sex as and when I want it with someone I physically find attractive.

Your life , no single men out there to sleep with no?

I think some women get a buzz from it tbh. I know a woman like this. She actively seeks out men in relationships to have sex with, though she doesn't manage it as much as she would like. She freely admits she likes the challenge. Never manages to hold down a relationship of her own though. Some women are just so flattered by any attention from any man that they will happily go along with whatever shite he spouts.
I find it weird.

My life Is fulfilled. I am happy in my life. When I sleep with a man then I’m just filling my need for sex. That’s one element of my life and my sex life doesn’t factor into the rest of my life.

I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to wash his pants and cook his tea. His wife can do that.

I don’t actively seek out married men but if one comes on to me and I find him attractive and I want sex then I will have sex with him... not because I believe any bullshit he comes out with but because I want to.

Having sex with a married men doesn’t mean other elements of my life are unfulfilled.

Like another poster also mentioned.. lots of men love fucking other men’s wives and get a buzz from it. It’s called a hot wife. You may find it weird but everyone’s different.

I have been both

On the AP side. They had sex maybe once a month, she wasn't into it. She nagged at him constantly, she had hidden a load of debt from him (25k+) wasn't paying off and when they went to move house and get a joint mortgage he found out about it all. She then couldn't get credit for 6 years, put pressure on him to be main financial provider and ruined his 5 year plan. He felt trapped as if he split from her she'd had no where to go and wouldn't be able to get private tenancy easily with such bad credit.
HOWEVER...
He never mentioned that he was over jealous, clingy, lazy and self Entitled.

I think he thought if I disliked her, I wouldn't tell her?
I didn't, but not because I never liked her. I thought she was nice and didn't want to hurt her.

Ok @HOS8595 you like sex and like having your need for sex fulfilled we get it

[quote Baileysoncereal]@Whathappensnow1 my assumption is that they are not in a sexless marriage at all, but that’s far better for him to tell you.

And if they are, perhaps it’s a discussion he should be having with her. Ime women do not just ‘go off’ sex forever. They are sick of shit sex with selfish husbands. Or having a difficult time (post babies, health issues etc) in which case he absolutely should just deal with not having sex for a relatively short time in their whole lives together.

Do you honestly think so many women are turning down great or even good sex with a loving caring partner? Obviously not.[/quote]
But you only have to go on the relationships board to see post after post about 'mismatched sex drives' or 'I just want to anymore' or 'it's be x months/years'.

No one should ever have sex when they don't want to. But how do you square that with 'all those men must be lying'?

@HOS8595 OK 🤣 you like sex and don't like other women, we get it.
Hopefully that bites you on the ass one day.
Can just about guard you don't get as much casual sex as you claim you do, but whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

Guarantee, not guard.
I'm not wondering how old you are
HOS8595

It was a very long time ago that I had a relationship with a married man, but at the time my attitude to his wife was one of indifference. She wasn’t my friend. I didn’t owe her anything. I wasn’t the one who made vows to her. Her husband’s marriage vows were a matter for him and his wife, and nothing whatsoever to do with me.

As affairs often happen at work, my experience is that the AP works & often doesn’t have children themselves. They don’t tend to see the value of a SAHP, especially after the children have started school age. They see the wife as dowdy, boring & just a “mother”. They don’t respect the wife & feel like their new lover has sold themselves short in life.

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@HOS8595 OK 🤣 you like sex and don't like other women, we get it.
Hopefully that bites you on the ass one day.
Can just about guard you don't get as much casual sex as you claim you do, but whatever makes you feel better about yourself.[/quote]
Well As long as you guarantee it then it must be true😂

My xh told his ap all of the usual lies about me. I saw them when he showed me some of their messages. He said he told her what he had to tell her to make her feel ok with it all.

During a brief period where we tried to reconcile, I asked him what she thought of me. He said she seemed jealous and obsessed but didn't feel guilty because she felt that she didn't know me and didn't owe me anything.

But he's a liar so suppose even all of that could be untrue.

This thread proves that OW think all sorts of things, some feel jealous & competitive towards the wife, some feel extreme guilt (not many though!), some feel indifference, some feel superior and that they're saving him. They find all sorts of ways to justify their behaviour (with the cheating husbands facilitating this wherever they can) each case is unique.

And then there are some like @HOS8595 who are just horrible people with low standards who only think about themselves. Tbh I think these OW are probably the most common, but you'd rarely get them commenting on a post like this. Mostly these types aren't capable of committed and loving relationships so will always be single, and circling, offering sex to anyone willing to use them for it.

I once a very long time ago dealt with a woman like HOS above. The type of woman who does get a buzz from fucking other women’s husband, the type of woman who has a very low opinion of the wife and sees herself as superior.
I still smile when I think about her 10 years later 😄.
Oh how she didn’t expect me.
And when I burned her life to the ground and fucked her up royally from every possible angle. I walked away with my head held high like a Phoenix from the ashes.

@IheartJKR

I once a very long time ago dealt with a woman like HOS above. The type of woman who does get a buzz from fucking other women’s husband, the type of woman who has a very low opinion of the wife and sees herself as superior. I still smile when I think about her 10 years later 😄. Oh how she didn’t expect me. And when I burned her life to the ground and fucked her up royally from every possible angle. I walked away with my head held high like a Phoenix from the ashes.

Presumably you did the same to your husband- the one who broke his promises to be faithful to you?

It wasn’t my husband - it was my sister. And yes she did.

@Pechanga

This thread proves that OW think all sorts of things, some feel jealous & competitive towards the wife, some feel extreme guilt (not many though!), some feel indifference, some feel superior and that they're saving him. They find all sorts of ways to justify their behaviour (with the cheating husbands facilitating this wherever they can) each case is unique.

And then there are some like @HOS8595 who are just horrible people with low standards who only think about themselves. Tbh I think these OW are probably the most common, but you'd rarely get them commenting on a post like this. Mostly these types aren't capable of committed and loving relationships so will always be single, and circling, offering sex to anyone willing to use them for it.

Funny how you see it as men using me and not me using men

And I should’ve said it was my sister and that ‘she walked away like a Phoenix from the ashes’.
Sorry rushed post...

What I will say as someone who has witnessed the devastation that affairs cause first hand with the added bonus of it not happening to me (although I don’t imagine it couldn’t or wouldn’t), just that my emotions weren’t so wound up in it so I was able to mobilize and help because I was more focussed iyswim???

My experience of it is that always the cheated on spouse always comes out better. Not immediately- and they don’t always realise it at the time. But the cheated on partner - whether male or female is always the ultimate winner and eventually they always realise it.

Am I the only one who feels upset reading posters on here who have been the OW, shrug and say well not my repasnoblity I didn’t make any vows to the wife?

I try and behave in a way where I don’t hurt others regardless of my immediate responsibilities towards that person.

I’m responsible for my ow actions and I would try not to behave in a manner to contributes towards shattering someone’s life.
Yes the cheating spouse is the one responsible but the OW/MM are also instrumental in the harm caused.

I hope I’m never in a place where I feel such complete disregard for another person.

I agree @frazzledasarock and that’s why people like you will always win despite what another may do to you.

@frazzledasarock

Am I the only one who feels upset reading posters on here who have been the OW, shrug and say well not my repasnoblity I didn’t make any vows to the wife?

I try and behave in a way where I don’t hurt others regardless of my immediate responsibilities towards that person.

I’m responsible for my ow actions and I would try not to behave in a manner to contributes towards shattering someone’s life.
Yes the cheating spouse is the one responsible but the OW/MM are also instrumental in the harm caused.

I hope I’m never in a place where I feel such complete disregard for another person.

So you don't shop anyway that uses cheap labour? You're a vegan? You don't use plastic? You always stop and chat to, and help homeless people? You don't fly or drive a car which pollutes the world of our children? You wouldn't have a but you let or holiday home? You wouldn't apply to replace someone in a job?

No of course none of these are the same. But it's foolish and insincere to pretend the world is split into good altruistic people and selfish immoral cheaters. We all do things that put ourselves first.

I’m not vegan everything else applies to me. I thought most people strive to do that anyway?

I don’t drive I use public transport as much as possible. I buy British and try and support local companies the meat I buy is from a local farm.

What’s that got to do with being instrumental in directly harming someone?

I boycott a lot of massive companies. I work for not for profit companies and charities.

Do I get a prize?

Years ago the person in front of me at an ATM left (what looked like) a big wad of cash on the machine and walked off. By the time I saw it, the person had disappeared. I was panicking wandering what to do. The machine beeped for a while then the cash went back into the machine.
Knowing that I’d do the same thing in future, wait for the money to go back into the machine. I wouldn’t take the money because it’s there. I wouldn’t want someone taking my money I wouldn’t take someone else’s.

@Whathappensnow1

I think I really struggled to understand why ‘the wife’ never thought that her decision age 40 not to have sex any more - thirteen years when I met AP - would impact their marriage. I understand this is a decision that any woman can and should make if they want to, but I genuinely remain curious about the thought process that tells them that their husband’s will simply accept the situation and remain with them regardless.

Did you hear it from her that she a) made that decision and b) thought it wouldn't affect her marriage? If she didn't feel able or willing to have sex with him, what do you think she should have done? Had sex against her will, left him, something else? Why did your AP not leave her?

@frazzledasarock

I’m not vegan everything else applies to me. I thought most people strive to do that anyway?

I don’t drive I use public transport as much as possible. I buy British and try and support local companies the meat I buy is from a local farm.

What’s that got to do with being instrumental in directly harming someone?

I boycott a lot of massive companies. I work for not for profit companies and charities.

Do I get a prize?

Years ago the person in front of me at an ATM left (what looked like) a big wad of cash on the machine and walked off. By the time I saw it, the person had disappeared. I was panicking wandering what to do. The machine beeped for a while then the cash went back into the machine.
Knowing that I’d do the same thing in future, wait for the money to go back into the machine. I wouldn’t take the money because it’s there. I wouldn’t want someone taking my money I wouldn’t take someone else’s.

Honestly? Yes I would give you one!

I don't know anyone who could claim half that list. I mean, no flying means very few holidays abroad. Never buying clothes from M&S, H&M, primark etc. No Apple or google products. No nestle, Unilever or Kellogg's products. Etc etc.

Using those things would be causing harm to someone (child labour, the planet, human trafficking etc) so I concede that yes, not doing all those things does make you a much better person than most.

That’s not the same as being an active party in directly harming someone though is it?

Me not eating or eating cornflakes is no way comparable in being an active part in knowingly directly causing harm to someone.

Using large firm produced goods is not comparable as the direct harm is not caused the consumer it’s caused by the company the ceo the board of directors who sanction, endorse and justify the behaviour who also receive immediate gratification.

Knowingly having sex with married person is horrific behaviour and no way comparable to buying clothes from primark.

It’s an odd thing to compare ones own unjustifiable behaviour with.