How do you view 'the wife'?

[EpochTime]

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

There are lots of different views of wives on this thread but I don't think anyone has mentioned anything like my perspective which is that: even if he looks like George Clooney, and even if he has declared that I am the most beautiful creature in the world and that he has undying love for me, I wouldn't go there because he has a wife. One, he has a wife - she is his chosen life-partner with whom he has a contract and it is not right that he treat her in this way; two, that I deserve someone that I don't have to share.
Is that me being far too simplistic?

I know what you mean, ET, but I think it is simplistic. Lots of people here making the point that it's his contract, not theirs - that he's going to break it with someone else, if not them. Lots of people who don't want the guy full-time so don't care if someone else gets him half the time.

In theory, I'm simplistic enough to see a married man as off limits, too, but many people don't see it that way in the first place, others find themselves over the limit before they realise what's going on, and others manage to justify it to themselves, "just this once", even though they are "not that kind of person", because of the "particular circumstances". Humans are complicated. I'm human.

I was in the 'definitely wouldn't' camp. Until I did.
This was my exh's experience, too.

@EpochTime

There are lots of different views of wives on this thread but I don't think anyone has mentioned anything like my perspective which is that: even if he looks like George Clooney, and even if he has declared that I am the most beautiful creature in the world and that he has undying love for me, I wouldn't go there because he has a wife. One, he has a wife - she is his chosen life-partner with whom he has a contract and it is not right that he treat her in this way; two, that I deserve someone that I don't have to share. Is that me being far too simplistic?

But you asked people who had affairs what they thought, so you logically can't get anyone who thought 'I can't do it'.

The ones who are jealous that the man they're sleeping with who goes home to his wife? So was the last one my ex had an affair with. She was totally devastated when I messaged her with proof he was violent and was still telling me how much he loved me after we had been separated nearly a year.

You don't know the married man. You know the act he is putting on to get sex. All you know is that he is immoral and a coward.

I actually think it's important to note that the OW is often a less physically attractive woman who maybe struggles to get attention from available men. Married men are less fussy as they aren't looking for a long term thing. So the OW has already had quite a hard time in life anyway, already quite bitter? I wouldn't hold too much water in their opinion.
Well this is the biggest load of bullshit Iv heard

Nope, it’s statistically very true
Ask any relationship counsellor, and they will confirm it

The vast majority of people, and especially men ‘affair down’

To be an OW, there has to be a level of insecurity and willingness to be controlled, play second-fiddle, obey the ‘rules’ on when contact is allowed etc
The OW has to put MM on a bit of a pedestal to allow this so there is almost always a mismatch between them. Him being out of her usual league is what allows her to put up with the behaviour

Her putting up with the behaviour is what let’s him overlook her being ‘beneath’ him

It’s probably one of the reasons the success rate of relationships that start as affairs is so low. I think the stat esther perel uses is 10% of affair couples are still together after a year?

In the cold light of day, OW realises she has got herself a pathological liar, and MM realises he has got himself a bit of a dog

I am sure the thought that everyone is asking ‘is she really going out with him/is he really with her?’ behind their backs must eat them up

he has got himself a bit of a dog

How shallow

I actually agreed with the first part of your post, as an OW I certainly have low self esteem but it's nothing to do with my looks.

Throwing nasty insults at OW doesn't stop them from stealing your man

I don’t mean dog as in ugly
I mean as in a big of a dog deal - a bit of a duff

Because as a package, the average OW isn’t going to be much. As you said, very insecure at the very least
If they were much of a catch, they wouldn’t be resorting to fishing in the swamp that is other people’s spouses

@Sparechange

I actually think it's important to note that the OW is often a less physically attractive woman who maybe struggles to get attention from available men. Married men are less fussy as they aren't looking for a long term thing. So the OW has already had quite a hard time in life anyway, already quite bitter? I wouldn't hold too much water in their opinion. Well this is the biggest load of bullshit Iv heard

Nope, it’s statistically very true
Ask any relationship counsellor, and they will confirm it

The vast majority of people, and especially men ‘affair down’

To be an OW, there has to be a level of insecurity and willingness to be controlled, play second-fiddle, obey the ‘rules’ on when contact is allowed etc
The OW has to put MM on a bit of a pedestal to allow this so there is almost always a mismatch between them. Him being out of her usual league is what allows her to put up with the behaviour

Her putting up with the behaviour is what let’s him overlook her being ‘beneath’ him

It’s probably one of the reasons the success rate of relationships that start as affairs is so low. I think the stat esther perel uses is 10% of affair couples are still together after a year?

In the cold light of day, OW realises she has got herself a pathological liar, and MM realises he has got himself a bit of a dog

I am sure the thought that everyone is asking ‘is she really going out with him/is he really with her?’ behind their backs must eat them up

I know two others that have had affairs beside myself.

One is a female friend. Her husband was ‘the dog’ and the OM was ALOT more attractive. She left her husband and They are still together 3 years later.

Another female friend who is Still having a 2 year long affair with a MM would not be classed as the dog out of her and his wife. If anything his mates would be saying behind his back ‘well your wife let herself go.‘

So basically everything you have said.. Iv personally seen the opposite. More then once.

Many OWs are also cheating on their own marriage

My exh's OW was 15 years younger than him/me and very pretty. I think the attraction was partly that she was small, blonde, like his family, whereas I'm tall and brunette, the total opposite lookswise.
A friend of mine also had an affair with a much younger and more attractive man. Again, her husband was the blond, pale Germanic type and the AP an exotic, dusky Romeo. Then there was the aunt who went off with the tennis coach ...

I'm not entirely convinced of this crummy-looking AP theory either :)
Is it maybe more that people tend to avoid anyone that reminds them of their current partner - so if they married a glamorous type, they might go for someone who has the girl next door look?

I’m not sure it’s just a looks thing, but the whole package
They might be better looking but lower earning
Good body but controlling

There will have to be a catch!

My FIL married his junior staff, he was the director she was a member of management but reported to him. SMIL is definitely less authoritative (and a lot younger than FIL) than MIL who has a doctorate and is very no nonsense type of woman.

Ex married a woman who relies on him financially and everything else, she doesn’t speak the language and he had to marry her as she was deported. I was the main earner when married to ex.

Sandra Bullock, Shania Twain, Beyoncé, have all been cheated on. I don’t think looks have anything to do with why people cheat.

I do think there may be something in the theory that cheaters cheat with women they can control.

Interesting. I'd say I'm equally as attractive as his wife but less accomplished and successful. I'm definitely much more submissive in personality.

Declaring that all OW are less attractive than wives is a pretty obvious way for wronged wives to make themselves feel better about the fact that their husbands have strayed. It's quite misogynistic to talk about women in that way and place them into artificial leagues. You might as well to the whole hog and rate women out of 10!

I'm reality, beauty is completely subjective and all situations are different. It's not about one women being "better" than the other because you think one is prettier.

I was far better looking and younger than the wife so no idea where that theory came from

@Sparechange

I actually think it's important to note that the OW is often a less physically attractive woman who maybe struggles to get attention from available men. Married men are less fussy as they aren't looking for a long term thing. So the OW has already had quite a hard time in life anyway, already quite bitter? I wouldn't hold too much water in their opinion. Well this is the biggest load of bullshit Iv heard

Nope, it’s statistically very true
Ask any relationship counsellor, and they will confirm it

The vast majority of people, and especially men ‘affair down’

To be an OW, there has to be a level of insecurity and willingness to be controlled, play second-fiddle, obey the ‘rules’ on when contact is allowed etc
The OW has to put MM on a bit of a pedestal to allow this so there is almost always a mismatch between them. Him being out of her usual league is what allows her to put up with the behaviour

Her putting up with the behaviour is what let’s him overlook her being ‘beneath’ him

It’s probably one of the reasons the success rate of relationships that start as affairs is so low. I think the stat esther perel uses is 10% of affair couples are still together after a year?

In the cold light of day, OW realises she has got herself a pathological liar, and MM realises he has got himself a bit of a dog

I am sure the thought that everyone is asking ‘is she really going out with him/is he really with her?’ behind their backs must eat them up

Don't agree at all. What if it's completely equal between the OW and the man? ie the OW is married, the man is married.

Why must the OW be painted as insecure and controlled and happy to play second fiddle? Does that not apply to the OM as well?

Why is it putting up with behaviour or accepting a pathological liar when they ARE both doing it?

Some people go into affairs eyes wide open. People might not like it, but many people entering into affairs know exactly what they are doing - and they're not just 'putting up with behaviour'.

@wetasstenalady

I was far better looking and younger than the wife so no idea where that theory came from

Wife’s trying to make themselves feel better I’d image.

I was also 5 years younger, slimmer and better then looking then the wife.

@wetasstenalady

I was far better looking and younger than the wife so no idea where that theory came from

Wow.

How do you rate yourself compared to, say, Juliette Binoche? Or Elizabeth Taylor? Or Christie Brinkley?!!

@SecondStageIgnition doubt she slept with their husbands so why would she compare herself to those women she’s just pointing out that the theory of the OW being ‘dogs’ isn’t actually true.

When I was a lot younger, I used "hook up" sites.
I met a nice younger guy who was in the army.
We chatted a lot before meeting, and met up a few times.

One day I got a call.
It was from his partner who I didn't know existed.
I was mortified and felt so bad for her.
They were discussing buying a house together and had very young children.
She told me it wasn't the first time and asked me a few things.
She wasn't hostile. And I was honest with her. That I'd met him on a dating site and he said he was single.

He contacted me after this and had the cheek to ask about meeting up again.
I told him where to go.

Another guy I met on there (a police officer) had a very distinct "ring mark" on his ring finger. It was so obvious he'd removed his wedding ring.
He lied and said he'd been practising shooting on some range 😂😂
Don't know what kind of idiot be was taking me for.
But anyone with half a brain would have known it was from his wedding ring.
Needless to say I got out of there.

My sister started seeing her married boss.
She was pretty young at the time and naive. She thought he loved her. But he was just using her.

Also found out (through reading my sister's diary) that my mum had an affair with someone whilst still with my dad.
I was pretty devastated.
My mum kept me in the dark about it, while telling my sister.
It was hurtful and I felt let down. She wasn't happy with my dad, and I get why, but he didn't deserve that. I don't think he knows to this day.
Now, she is seeing a married man, and has been for years.

I think those examples have tainted my view on relationships and caused me to have trust issues.

@litterbird

I can tell you what I was doing whilst my long term partner was embarking on an affair before he split out of the blue. I was in constant contact with my partner, we were looking at houses to buy as a couple because my daughter was about to go to uni and that was our plan to set up our own place when she went. We were still having sex and he was texting me that he loved me right up until the end. The morning he dumped me we were due to go to a festival at the weekend with friends and then to a massive wedding of one of our friends the following week, we had just spent time together choosing their wedding present. He came to me at 1100 on Saturday morning, at 1103 I was dumped. He went straight to his AP from mine. So I would assume the OW knew about me as a few days later it was all over her Facebook page about how in love they both were with each other and photos of them together announcing their relationship to the world.

This!!! I had exactly the same to me more or less mirror image of yours Affairs really boil my blood, especially when you see people post things on here about being upset about being the other woman. Then don't be! You really think he's going to faithful to you, he's lying to someone else who he's with while he's with you

I knew what I was doing was wrong and abhorrent. I fell in love with him and even though it's been over for a long time I still love him and always will. Like I said in my other post, no man will ever come close to him.

Regardless, I got what I deserved and what I knew would transpire right from the start.

Would I get involved with another married man? No.

Would I with him if he came back to me? 100% yes.

@idrinkandiknowthings

I knew what I was doing was wrong and abhorrent. I fell in love with him and even though it's been over for a long time I still love him and always will. Like I said in my other post, no man will ever come close to him.

Regardless, I got what I deserved and what I knew would transpire right from the start.

Would I get involved with another married man? No.

Would I with him if he came back to me? 100% yes.

You would have an affair with him again even if he had a partner / wife?