How do you view 'the wife'?

[EpochTime]

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

I had a couple of affairs with married men when I was younger. They were very casual flings - not big intense love affairs. The first one was with a “ shagger” and I knew nothing about his wife at all. She was never discussed, there was no criticism. I wasn’t the first nor the last woman he’d been with. The second one was with more of a “ nice guy” type. He had a wife with mental health problems - I knew that it made his life difficult but again we never discussed details and he only occasionally revealed information about her. We stopped seeing each other but he did go on to get divorced. The last time I saw him he was single & seeing a married woman. I was never interested really in listening to lots of criticisms or complaints but then I didn’t have much emotional involvement with either of them.

@ravenmum

So, does that answer your question, *@EpochTime* - every affair, every OW, every husband and every wife is different, and because most people don't have huge numbers or affairs, or are not cheated on huge numbers of times, they can only describe their own particular experience?

I have always found your posts particularly helpful, @ravenmum and I can state that I've never thought you to be a narc ! Your post, in particular, has highlighted the fact that APs can also be victims - if that's the right terminology - as well as the betrayed spouse. When APs are lied to they cannot be expected to be mind-readers, nor why should it even occur to them that this man who is taking an interest in them is lying. I am still interested in the notion that when people are in affairs - especially love or limerence affairs - something prevents them from viewing the betrayed spouse as a person. There's something more than just forgetting about the personhood of those working in fast fashion, say. A good analogy, but doesn't quite work because there is a much closer relationship between an AP and the betrayed wife. Like it or not, we all are moulded by those close to us. The cheating husband will have mannerisms, opinions, ways of speaking which have been sub-consciously influenced by his relationship with his wife. When the AP spends time with her lover, she is also indirectly spending a small part of that time with the wife, in my opinion. Even down to little things like the smell of his shirt might carry his wife's perfume, or might have been ironed by his wife and smell of her choice of fabric conditioner! I am not sure if denying the personhood of the betrayed spouse is merely a convenience, or whether it goes deeper than that - psychologically I mean.

This is what I had to live and put up with. I stuck it out until my kids started at secondary school. I never did have an affair. I did just leave. I never had the time or the chance to look else where. But if another women had given me that opportunity, I really dont know what I'd have done. I was lonely for years. I would have loved to have lay on a sofa having a hug in front of a film with a women.. Let alone anything else.
I would love to say that I wouldn't have cheated if given the chance. But I dont know if I would have turned the chance down. And that's somthing that hurts as it's not me, I'm not a cheater by nature .

@Homer101

This is what I had to live and put up with. I stuck it out until my kids started at secondary school. I never did have an affair. I did just leave. I never had the time or the chance to look else where. But if another women had given me that opportunity, I really dont know what I'd have done. I was lonely for years. I would have loved to have lay on a sofa having a hug in front of a film with a women.. Let alone anything else. I would love to say that I wouldn't have cheated if given the chance. But I dont know if I would have turned the chance down. And that's somthing that hurts as it's not me, I'm not a cheater by nature .

Sorry I dint know why it did quote the other poster. Basically I had a wife who did nothing. I was running around after the kids. Cleaning and cooking. Doing virtually everything

@Newwayofthinking "This such bullshit...

The view that the wife is the one who does all that, while he the husband is having an affair.

What about the wives who treat their husbands like shit, sitting at home doing nothing, while the husband cooks, cleans, does the washing, looks after the kids, does their homework, packed lunches and has to hold down a full time job.

Who begged and begged her to change for years and years till he finally gave up and, yes he should have just left, but looked elsewhere. She was financially abusive, used controlling and coercive behaviour. He has now broken free.

They are out there too."

---

^ That is EXACTLY the way my 'AP' described his wife to me. When I found out about her. As I had no idea he was married! But things started getting more serious, and I was talking about wanting to move in together etc. He has a wife and two kids. I asked him why the hell he's here with me, planning a future together. He spouted the vast majority of the above. I said I'm sorry you're hurting but I'm not going to be the one to break up a family .. and I didn't contact him again. He broke my heart. This 'affair' went on for a long time, and I had truly fallen for him.

Honestly I didn’t know my ‘DP’ had a wife, he told me she had died. The day I twigged what a fool I had been, I was heartbroken. Not for him I couldn’t care less, it was the anguish I felt over hurting his wife. Even though I didn’t know she existed until that day I was devastated to have caused her pain from my actions. It took me a long time to realise I wasn’t to blame, it was him, but I still beat myself up over not questioning his stupid stories more.

I remember once I commented on how lovely and clean his house was and how fresh his bedding was. I tormented myself for years after about how I swanned around in her house that she lovingly made into a home for them and their children. It tore me up that she had been taking care of him and his children, like a loving wife while he had been whisking me off to fancy hotels and taking me on all expenses paid holidays. I didn’t cope with it well at all. I still suffer from extreme guilt over her, I often think of her and hope she is happy.

I know it doesn’t mean much on an anonymous forum, which she won’t see or know who I am, but I am sorry

I was the wife. She was supposed to be my friend.

I feel smug when I hear how he treats her.

I am not sure if denying the personhood of the betrayed spouse is merely a convenience, or whether it goes deeper than that - psychologically I mean.
We humans ignore the fact that other people are also humans, with feelings, absolutely constantly, which gives us good practice. Just look at some of the comments on AIBU for examples 😂
Remember that the husband also has to ignore the fact that he is hurting the wife's feelings - and he can see her, and often see her crying and angry about the signs of his cheating.

I had a casual thing with a guy that I became increasingly suspicious about and eventually dropped - I never had any proof of exactly what he was doing, but his clothes smelt of Persil, and I did wonder if there was a wife somewhere washing them. Somehow it felt unlikely that he would be using Persil!

he told me she had died
Wow, he was a real shit!

Somehow it felt unlikely that he would be using Persil!

I know this affair isn't funny but this made me . It's so specific for a suspicion! Is persil only for married couples? Or only for women?!

I didn't think anything of the wife, and I wouldn't wonder about her day to day life anymore than I would about a stranger on the bus.
So cold.

@Roff

Somehow it felt unlikely that he would be using Persil!

I know this affair isn't funny but this made me . It's so specific for a suspicion! Is persil only for married couples? Or only for women?!

I know - it is probably my age and prejudices showing, but it just didn't suit a big hairy single man!

If I'm being honest I hated the wife. She sounded lazy indulged and precious. Thinking about him taking her out and spoiling her on occasions and fawning all over her made me infuriated. I had no reason to but really disliked her. Of course what he told me was most likely bullshit in order to get what he needed off me but again you live and learn

@whiskysoda are you me? Same happened to me. Supposed to be my best mate. Lied and manipulated and he had an affair with her.

Backfired on her as all our mutual friends hate her as does his family 🤷‍♀️

I can tell you what I was doing when my exh was having an affair. I was working, seeing to the kids, making sure his tea was on the table after a hard days work.

He'd pretend to do extra hours at work. I felt for him as he said he was stressed so I'd often take on more of the household chores and try to make his life easier.

He'd see friends on a weekend (aka the OW) so I looked after the kids single handedly

I remember thinking why did she marry a man she already knew to be a cheat (she had an affair with him whilst he was married to his second wife). He'd also cheated on first wife with second wife.

I wondered why she'd had kids with him. I thought she probably knew what he was doing really and it was a trade off for not having to work, having the kids she wanted etc etc.

If i'm brutally honest I wondered why she had let herself go so much when she knew he had a wandering eye.

Mostly I thought how much I wouldn't want to be her married to a bloke like him. He did try talking to me about her a few times. The usual no sex, let herself go nonsense but I wasn't interested

I am the wife.

While my H & OW were having an emotional affair I was struggling with unhappiness, although I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage which I thought was solid, with a husband that adored me. I had moved house, was lonely & felt trapped & was struggling to adjust. A few months earlier my youngest child had been diagnosed with special needs after 18 months of uncertainty. She was winding down her own marriage but I don’t have full details on what happened there & how much the affair contributed to it.

The emotional affair continued through the lockdown. Then they began the physical affair not long after the schools opened. By the time he told me I had not had a decent break from childcare in six months (just a day here and there) & although I love them I had never felt so bored or lethargic. They were able to meet up for coffee, have ‘business meals’ and have sex at her house.

I don’t think the AP gave me or the children any thought at all. Otherwise why would she have done this? (H equally to blame).

I suspect H told her he’d been unhappy for years - this is what he’s telling me, after saying nothing about it previously.

Sorry, didn't read properly and snapped. Although you now know my view of the wife

Now it's going back about fifteen years, but for me - I never knew she existed. First I knew he was taken was a phone call from her.

I’ve not had an affair, but going from posts on here wives at home or ex wives are always painted in a terrible light to the new gf/OW, so many won’t have a great opinion of the wife. She could well be the sweetest woman alive and be incredible in bed and all the rest of it, but she’s painted as nagging/frigid/controlling/whatever by the man so they will be taken pity on.

Following

They were 'separated' only communicating about their DC. Never really thought about her other than wonder if they really were separated.
He and I were only together a short while.

My XP made up all sorts of stories about me, from what I can gather, OW probably thought I was a psychopathic battleaxe who had no interest in him. She did me a favour.

Sorry, the XP is not the same person as the separated man.

A strange set of circumstances recently gave me an insight into my ex-h and OW's relationship and how she views me, or at least what she likes to tell everybody to justify her cunty behaviour.

It turns out that it became very clear to everyone around them that I wasn't the problem she liked to say I was. I wasn't the awful, selfish, mental nutter that she portrayed me as. Her behaviour in fact revealed that it was her with the massive issues, insecurity and narcissistic personality. She would rant on about me at every available opportunity. I'm so flattered!

Of course I was aware that my ex had painted a picture to justify his behaviour as they all do. I am fortunately able to understand that as he knows full well what he's said is false. The people that matter to me, those I love, their opinion of me is all that counts. I did get a lot of comfort from this unexpected encounter though. It brought me a lot of peace.

@Newwayofthinking I expect the wife has a completely different version of events but I guess the one you outlined would allow those having the affair relief from guilt.