How do you view 'the wife'?

[EpochTime]

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

I actually (perhaps oddly), never felt any rancour towards OW in my case

Same here. I never met her. I can make assumptions about her from what I saw on her SM profile, but knowing how glibly XP lied, she was probably no more gullible than me.

She's done me a massive favour.

I was a "mistress".

He had nothing bad whatsoever to say about his wife. He was very fond of her, they had a good connection, he had the freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted.

What did I think? At first I felt extremely guilty, which then morphed into guilt together with envy because she had him and I didn't. I said right at the beginning of the affair that I would never ask him to leave his wife and that if anyone was to get hurt I wanted it to be me.

I wholly accept that that does not excuse my actions in the slightest. I accept that I'm a selfish bitch who had no regard whatsoever for how this may affect this woman. I'm also expecting by this post to be vilified on here. I've not seen him for a year and a half. I loved him and still do and no-one will come close.

@idrinkandiknowthings
I've not seen him for a year and a half. I loved him and still do and no-one will come close.
That's really sad, I've just gone no contact with MM and I do worry I will feel the same years down the line. No one has ever come close to how I feel about him and I doubt they ever will. I was hoping cutting him off would make things better. Maybe not.

@IheartJKR I agree with your last post.

@wonderingaboutlife1 are you the person who recently posted about to message or not to message?

Not good.

@newwayofthinking
That's exactly the story my husband painted to his very young affair partner and his family so much so that she believes she's helped rescue the poor abused man. She even tried to defend the lying fool to his own daughter who obviously saw with her own eyes the truth.
Now that is real bullshit. It's common. I would never take the word of anyone in an affair as truth.
In the affairs I know of the wife is either not mentioned or painted in such a bad light to make his lying cheating actions justified in the affair partners eyes to absolve them both of guilt. A relationship built on lies and hurt.

I feel no sympathy for those who have knowingly got involved with a married man or woman then been hurt. The one where it says the married man was fond of his wife - why shit all over their life together? Whatever you’re missing in your life find it somewhere that doesn’t involve destroying another persons life or family. For the married men or woman who say they don’t want to be with their wives or husbands - leave them if you truly don’t want to be with them - then go with whoever you want.

There's nothing more attractive than something just out of your reach, is there?

I was looking after home, kids, pets working and washing his shitty boxers, while he was having his fun, that’s what I was doing, totally oblivious as I couldn’t have fitted in a one night stand let alone affair

I was the "wife." She knew exactly what I was doing - looking after our newborn baby - as she'd come round every week to visit us because she was his "best friend." She would find it funny and felt privileged that he was flirting with her in front of me. He'd also get a sick kick out of it.

I left. They got together. The joke was on her when he pulled up to drop of our daughter with her in the car watching (before they became official because, you know, it would look bad if it straight after I left) and he stood there on the doorstep flirting with me for 30 minutes, once again getting a kick out of hurting someone else who loved him.

He continued to flirt with me behind her back. She found out by reading a message from me saying how confused I felt about it all. She left him. And now he's hurt 3 women who loved him (including his daughter).

Women are made to feel special by cheaters but fail to see how it could happen to them. My friend used to be having an affair with a married man and was adamant he wouldn't do the same to her because she was special. 🙄 Thank god that affair fizzled out.

I'm the wife. She knew exactly what I was doing. Taking care of the kids, working etc and she didn't give a flying fuck because she was far more important than all that b

NC for this one. I've never been the OW, but my husband has been the OM, with a married woman. He told me that they didn't discuss each other's spouses as it would have been too guilt inducing. All he told her was that we were not having sex (true) and were not getting on (also true, brought on by lockdown). I know more about her than she knows about me.

@Sideorderofchips

I'm the wife. She knew exactly what I was doing. Taking care of the kids, working etc and she didn't give a flying fuck because she was far more important than all that b

If she’s just after sex (Like I was when I slept with a married man) why would she care about you? That’s your husbands job, not hers.

@user1497873278

I was looking after home, kids, pets working and washing his shitty boxers, while he was having his fun, that’s what I was doing, totally oblivious as I couldn’t have fitted in a one night stand let alone affair

Very true in most cases and not suprisingly how they tend to make more work for you keeping you occupied, whilst they play.

Well considering she was supposed to be my best mate at the time you would have thought she might. But then again she is extremely self absorbed

The ones that know are selfish and don't give a fuck. The console themselves by thinking it's not their job to care about the wife because the husband doesn't care. Sad really.

@Sideorderofchips

Well considering she was supposed to be my best mate at the time you would have thought she might. But then again she is extremely self absorbed

I agree with you then. I know Iv been a OW but I would never touch a friends man. Maybe I have some sort of weird moral cheaters code

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

The ones that know are selfish and don't give a fuck. The console themselves by thinking it's not their job to care about the wife because the husband doesn't care. Sad really.

I don’t need to console myself. I’m happy with my life. It’s just sex.

If it hadn't been for the fact she was my best mate then I wouldn't have expected her to give a shit. But seeing as I welcomed her into my home and helped her when she ditched her kids dad and was really close to her, it was fucking heartbreaking to find out she was using me for my husband

@HOS8595 OK, if you say so. I cam imagine it's really fulfilling, sleeping with married men.

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@HOS8595 OK, if you say so. I cam imagine it's really fulfilling, sleeping with married men.[/quote]
What am I meant to fulfilling other then a basic need for sex as and when I want it with someone I physically find attractive.

I know it’s pretty much the script, but sometimes it’s true that the husband is what he sees as an unloving cold marriage. My ex husband was. He really did sleep on the sofa, and we never had sex. I was unhappy and was too worried about his alcohol issues to just leave so I just martyred on - which I shouldn’t have done. I don’t think he had an affair but if he had it would very much have been a symptom of a dead marriage.

I think I really struggled to understand why ‘the wife’ never thought that her decision age 40 not to have sex any more - thirteen years when I met AP - would impact their marriage. I understand this is a decision that any woman can and should make if they want to, but I genuinely remain curious about the thought process that tells them that their husband’s will simply accept the situation and remain with them regardless.

Whathappensnow1 I think there are some women who think being the wife and mother of the children means they can behave how they want and the husband just has to be grateful. I used to have a friend who literally called her husband a useless piece of shit to his face. She also told him he had to earn sex through tasks, and that if he ever left her, he wouldn’t see their three children again. She is not the only person I’ve met who has similar attitudes.

I am absolutely not saying anyone deserves to get cheated on, that it is any sort of excuse etc - just that there are women capable of toxic behaviour and men often respond to this by finding someone else.

@Whathappensnow1 my assumption is that they are not in a sexless marriage at all, but that’s far better for him to tell you.

And if they are, perhaps it’s a discussion he should be having with her. Ime women do not just ‘go off’ sex forever. They are sick of shit sex with selfish husbands. Or having a difficult time (post babies, health issues etc) in which case he absolutely should just deal with not having sex for a relatively short time in their whole lives together.

Do you honestly think so many women are turning down great or even good sex with a loving caring partner? Obviously not.

What am I meant to fulfillingother then a basic need for sex as and when I want it with someone I physically find attractive.

Your life , no single men out there to sleep with no?

I think some women get a buzz from it tbh. I know a woman like this. She actively seeks out men in relationships to have sex with, though she doesn't manage it as much as she would like. She freely admits she likes the challenge. Never manages to hold down a relationship of her own though. Some women are just so flattered by any attention from any man that they will happily go along with whatever shite he spouts.
I find it weird.