Page 3 | How do you view 'the wife'?

EpochTime · 2021-01-06T14:50:02+00:00

Can I ask those posters who have had an affair - how do you view 'the wife'? I'm intrigued by the recent threads about going NC because often, when I read them, I wonder about the wife in these scenarios. What sort of person she is, where she is and what she might be doing when the affair is taking place, that sort of thing. References to the wife as a person are rare in threads written by those having affairs. I just have an intellectual curiosity - this is not designed to be an antagonistic post.

Packitin · 06/01/2021 19:44

He describes her as boring, vanilla, never really into sex...but that they are happy enough. They have 3 kids under 5, one is 4 months old.

I am weirdly jealous but only because she is with him and I want to be. Other than that, I feel sorry for her... she clearly thinks everything is rosy but it is not, her hubby is a cheat and there was someone else before me.

GlitterSandcastle · 06/01/2021 19:45

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TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2021 19:47

@Packitin

He describes her as boring, vanilla, never really into sex...but that they are happy enough. They have 3 kids under 5, one is 4 months old.

I am weirdly jealous but only because she is with him and I want to be. Other than that, I feel sorry for her... she clearly thinks everything is rosy but it is not, her hubby is a cheat and there was someone else before me.

A four month old baby? How cruel. Why haven't you sent him packing. What an horrific betrayal when you really are very vulnerable post birth. Poor woman.

InkieNecro · 06/01/2021 19:47

I am also one of the ones who had an insight into how my ex described me. Apparently I rejected him for sex, made him sleep on a mattress downstairs, was lazy, argumentative and we were just living together for the sake of the children.

Actually he stopped having sex with me because he was having sex with so many other women, he slept downstairs so he could let women in while I and the children were asleep upstairs, I did all of the housework, I did argue about his refusal to go to counselling because I desperately wanted our relationship to work and as far as I was aware, we hadn't broken up. He also did some insane things to my mental health that resulted in PTSD and used to hit me. Obviously that was never mentioned in the dialogue I got to read.

Lurcherloves · 06/01/2021 19:49

@Packitin that’s a pathetic excuse. In a long term relationship with kids hardly going to be kinky sex every night. I bet they sleep together every day though. Men come out with the same rubbish to justify they’re wandering dicks.
They just want sex with someone new/ different t simple as that and when you become familiar they will be on to the next one

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/01/2021 20:00

I am weirdly jealous but only because she is with him and I want to be

😂You do realise that he'd cheat on you too right @Packitin??

There's plenty of single trash out there if that's your bag.

Doingitaloneandproud · 06/01/2021 20:01

@Packitin

He describes her as boring, vanilla, never really into sex...but that they are happy enough. They have 3 kids under 5, one is 4 months old.

I am weirdly jealous but only because she is with him and I want to be. Other than that, I feel sorry for her... she clearly thinks everything is rosy but it is not, her hubby is a cheat and there was someone else before me.

So if there was someone else before you, you know there would be someone else after you, so why would you want to be with him when he's like that to the mother of his 3 children? You must realise that you are easily replaceable to him

derelictwreck · 06/01/2021 20:05

[quote Lurcherloves]@Packitin that’s a pathetic excuse. In a long term relationship with kids hardly going to be kinky sex every night. I bet they sleep together every day though. Men come out with the same rubbish to justify they’re wandering dicks.
They just want sex with someone new/ different t simple as that and when you become familiar they will be on to the next one[/quote]
They do come out with the same rubbish. But you've got to admit based on mumsnet alone, huge numbers of marriages seems to have mismatched sex drives. Doesn't make cheating ok but does mean that men claiming to not get sex won't all be lying.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/01/2021 20:09

@GlitterSandcastle

Since the mistress was my friend who tearfully let me know just how hard this had all been on her, I might be able to shed a bit of light. I wasn't a wife though, just a long term girlfriend, carer of his three kids and mother to our two.

She said (words which I will remember to my dying day), "You will never know how much it hurt me when I would think of you at home feeding your baby or helping the kids with their homework while the two of us were in bed. It was so hard on me, you wouldn't even believe. Such a weight has been lifted."

Christ on a bike 😳. I'm surprised you didn't knock her from here to next week. What a cunt

SecondStageIgnition · 06/01/2021 20:16

I do not know to this day how she viewed me (me being the wife). But from the look I got from her the one time I spoke to her (way before I suspected) I can tell now that she hated my guts then. At the time I didn't put two and two together. I just found it weird that she immediately seemed to despise me. I just wondered if she was jealous of me for some reason. Twenty years earlier I would have said she was jealous of my looks but it confused me what she would have to be jealous about especially since she was a lot younger than me.
Now I wonder if he had told her some awful things about me as there were a couple of other instances of people in her circle treating me like I was the devil incarnate.
It's likely that she would have known about all our hotel trips and holidays and so more than likely I could have been portrayed as some privileged stay-at-home wife. In reality, we tried to make the most of our free time within limited financial means; our leisure time was spent on trips because neither of us drink or smoke; I worked just as hard as him, but was a WFH so easy to portray that as me not 'properly' working.
I'll never know how she viewed me and I guess it's not that important in the scheme of things.

timeforchangeagain · 06/01/2021 20:26

I once had a casual fling with a married man when I was 18, I didn't even fancy him that much just flattered he was giving me attention, i also had low self esteem and easily swayed by men at that age. I did know of his wife, I had met her a few times, they had a 2yo at the time, she was preoccupied with the child, he would say she was lazy and got the impression they didn't have a good marriage as she frequently took breaks away at her mothers house, I learnt they had split a few years later, not because of me just because it wasn't working out.
She lived in holey leggings and never made an effort with her appearance ( to me as a young woman) I feel awful saying that but he was only after me as I was young, pretty and single and took avantage of me.
I did leave clues around the house, as I felt sorry for her, I didn't want him but in a way wanted her to know.
I'm telling you as you asked, I'm not proud of it, if I could go back to that time, I wouldn't do it again and I will never do it again.

PaterPower · 06/01/2021 20:27

*Somehow it felt unlikely that he would be using Persil!

I know this affair isn't funny but this made me grin. It's so specific for a suspicion! Is persil only for married couples? Or only for women?!*

In Married Quarters in Germany, the washing up powder of choice was OMO. Wives would put it in the window when the regiment was on exercise - “Old Man’s Out” - so the AP knew the coast was clear.

Newwayofthinking · 06/01/2021 20:50

[quote Lurcherloves]@Newwayofthinking I expect the wife has a completely different version of events but I guess the one you outlined would allow those having the affair relief from guilt.[/quote]
Well I guess all her kids, most of the family and friends are all wrong to 🤷‍♀️

But hey all wives are saints and all husbands are arseholes?

WiseOwlRelaxing · 06/01/2021 20:52

She's at home minding the DC.

Packitin · 06/01/2021 21:33

I feel sorry for her because obviously I realise her husband is a cheat. I wouldn't wanna be married to him. I have my own reasons for wanting him, purely physical really as I have no intention of leaving my relationship or kids. OP asked how we view the wife... that is how I view her. No real feeling apart from misplaced jealously and sympathy.

Not my place to "send him packing", unless I wanted to.

Lurcherloves · 06/01/2021 21:35

@Newwayofthinking I expect her kids have not said that to you directly as the OW have they? Not have her family. Anyway even if it were true it’s up to him to leave not for you to have an affair because ‘she deserves it’ which is what your line of thinking amounts to. Bottom line is you can’t justify your bad behaviour.

Pepperxo · 06/01/2021 21:59

I feel sorry for his DW she's very successful and he sponges off her he later told me he cheated throughout the marriage and before but she took him back 3 times.
I have no idea why he's poor, his dick doesn't even work properly, I don't know why I went there he's more tactile than my DH but thats about it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/01/2021 00:12

@Packitin

Not my place to "send him packing", unless I wanted to.

Well yes, that was people's point. That they can't fathom why you wouldn't want to.

He's been having an affair with you while also shagging his wife, getting her pregnant, throughout her pregnancy and during the first four months and counting of their baby's life. And you don't even want to be with him, you just want the 'physical' side of things. Jesus wept, you deserve each other.

That poor woman, married to such a cunt who happened to meet someone equally selfish.

Even if someone has no respect for other people, it's really sad when they have so little for themselves that they have extra shitty affairs where one party has a tiny baby.

I hope you get the help you need to be less self destructive and have more self respect.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 07/01/2021 06:34

@GlitterSandcastle

Since the mistress was my friend who tearfully let me know just how hard this had all been on her, I might be able to shed a bit of light. I wasn't a wife though, just a long term girlfriend, carer of his three kids and mother to our two.

She said (words which I will remember to my dying day), "You will never know how much it hurt me when I would think of you at home feeding your baby or helping the kids with their homework while the two of us were in bed. It was so hard on me, you wouldn't even believe. Such a weight has been lifted."

Jesus 😱 I'm gobsmacked at your 'friend'

Hopefully you know you are better off without him

AnyFucker · 07/01/2021 06:58

@Packitin I hope you win your man. He is a prize indeed.

bumhead · 07/01/2021 08:15

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Sillysandy · 07/01/2021 09:16

I haven't been the mistress but a woman I had become friends with had an affair. They were both married.

They were 'really in love almost immediately'. It was her husband's fault she wandered as he was a functioning alcoholic. It was OM's wife fault he strayed because his wife was cold and he had never truly loved her.

They planned to continue in secret until their kids were older but the wife found out and blew the whole thing wide open. My friend's husband threw her out and their friends shunned her. She couldn't understand why her husband was blaming her when it was all his fault. She decided to move in with her OM but leave her young teenage daughter behind to 'keep an eye on her dad'.

OM's wife was not so decisive and suggested they try to fix their relationship. She reminded him they have young children and suggested counselling. My friend openly scoffed at her to me saying how pathetic she was trying to hold onto a man who didn't love her. When he did stay my friend felt enormous pity for him. When he did leave and move in with my friend she fully believed it was his decision and his wife was heartbroken.

My friendship with this woman did not last. I've never had an affair but I've never been married or specifically in her marriafe so I try not to be judgemental but I was utterly disgusted with how she blamed everyone else, took zero responsibility, sneered at the woman whose family she helped break up and mostly how she then left her teenage daughter to deal with the wreckage.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2021 09:20

I feel sorry for her because obviously I realise her husband is a cheat. I wouldn't wanna be married to him.

You should feel sorry for your partner too then as you are a cheat.

How does that make any sense? You are just as low as the man you are cheating with.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2021 09:38

I'm neither wife nor OW, but as an observer of human relationships I find it baffling that marriages are characterised on here as secure, stable, full of regular sex and with the man having his cooking and cleaning done for him.

I'm reasonably happy/bumbling along in my LTR and we rarely have sex any more. I've never cooked or cleaned for him, we share all domestic tasks. This is broadly similar to my friends relationships too.

The relationships board is full every day with unsatisfactory, unfulfilling LTRs where intimacy is gone and mutual resentment set in. It's not rare, it's a standard enough domestic scenario to fuel an entire literary and TV drama genre. If a woman told you 'my marriage is boring and I'm beginning to think my spouse might be a bit of a knob' you'd believe her without question.

Why can't men say it?

DeeCeeCherry · 07/01/2021 09:50

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