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Original poster

Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

311 replies

Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:09

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

OP posts:
PenelopeStern · 05/01/2021 10:11

In your shoes I would leave him off it.

toomuchfaster · 05/01/2021 10:11

My understanding is that he can request a DNA test and get parental responsibility so from that POV leaving him off it only delays the inevitable.

Angeldust747 · 05/01/2021 10:12

Leave him off it

chipsandpeas · 05/01/2021 10:13

leave him off it

CatVsChristmasTree · 05/01/2021 10:15

I've put YABU because my father asked not to be on my birth certificate (I think to get out of paying child support?) and so it says unknown in the father space. He never lived with us, but I did have sporadic contact as a child and still do.

It has always bothered me, as an adult. I really resent both my parents for allowing that to happen and haven't ever forgiven my Dad. We aren't close. I did ask him once if we could get it amended and he agreed but we never got around to it.

Consider your child's feelings, please. This certificate is theirs, not yours and will form part of their identity. Be careful how you use it.

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:15

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 05/01/2021 10:16

A birth cert is a historical record so a big part of his thinks it should be accurate. The child has a father, that’s a fact that should be recorded.

Obviously, not as straightforward on a situation like yours so I can see why your parents are advising you as they are.
Have you given your son your surname?

What stroke me from your post is that you seem to be doing a lot agonising about what your son will have on his birth cert compared to what you have happening in his actual home. It sounds like a pretty toxic environment.

unmarkedbythat · 05/01/2021 10:16

If you leave him off it and it really matters to him to have PR, he can go to court to get it anyway.

Blueroses99 · 05/01/2021 10:17

He has already made it clear that he wants to control you through the child so that’s a huge red flag. If he demands a DNA test and it goes to court, you can ensure that any restrictions are discussed and agreed - never allowing a child to go on holiday or to visit relatives is not reasonable behaviour.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2021 10:17

You are in an abusive situation, even if you don't recognise it as such.

How was he treating your newborn that you thought it was bad enough that you needed to leave? Think really hard before you hand over your DS completely into his care, while he is so little because that's what you'll be doing if you add him on now.

He can eventually get PR, but the time, gap might be better for your DS. It sounds as though he won't act in his interests.

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:18

@CatVsChristmasTree I see where your coming from. Dp has shouted, sworn at and threatend ds and I feel that maybe that justifies leaving him off, as a way to protect him?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/01/2021 10:19

"How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement"

Unfortunately with PR it's likely. If you put him on the BC you are telling the court that at the time you had no concerns.

Terracottasaur · 05/01/2021 10:19

He clearly doesn’t trust you already, so why bend over backwards in the hope of preserving trust? I would leave him off - it doesn’t sound like he would add very much to your situation by being on it.

HappyChristmasTreeRex · 05/01/2021 10:21

I don't think it should be optional, sorry I know it's an unpopular view, but whether you like it or not he is the father.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2021 10:22

Your newborn was threatened and you are thinking of handing that person your newborn?

If anything happens you will be considered by SS as being unable to safeguard him and he will be put on a child protection plan.

Ask yourself why you are doubting safeguarding him and work on that.

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:22

@VodselForDinner My son's surname is doubled barrelled from both of our names. my fuss over the birth certificate isn't so much that I worry what it will say but more that I fear it will prevent me from being able to protect ds. Im not very knowlegable on the whole subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:24

I think it's clear to me now what I should do. Leave him off. If i put him on it says I have no concerns and dp is more likely to get some sort of contact agreement. I probably sound like some dumbass mother but this is my first baby and I have no experience with these kinds of issues. Thank you for the advice everyone

OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 05/01/2021 10:26

A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/01/2021 10:27

I would leave him off and leave the ball in his court to take action to get PR.
I would also reflect on my ideas of what a family is and what your child needs. Living in a situation which is volatile and toxic simply for the sake of family is not good for DS. Living separately does not stop a dad from being a good dad and having a good relationship with their child if they are willing to put the work into that.

titchy · 05/01/2021 10:27

Leave him off. (David Milligan's isn't on his first child's bc so no stigma these days!) Then he'd have no PR and you'd be free to make all decisions. Schools, holidays etc.

He would then have to apply to court for PR - which he'd get easily. But it's possible he might not bother, esp given his issues.

If he did apply to court for PR it would be sensible to ask for a formal arrangement order to be added, with you as resident majority parent. That would enable you to go abroad for a month without his permission.

VioletCharlotte · 05/01/2021 10:30

I was in a similar situation and put my ex DP's name on my DS birth certificate. I don't regret this at all, he's his Dad (albeit not a very good one). You need to think about your DS will feel in the future if his birth certificate says 'father unknown'.

I think your focus needs to be on deciding what to do about this relationship. 'Custody' is no longer a thing. Courts talk about parental responsibility and contact. If you decide to split up and DP wants to be part of his child's life, then this should be encouraged (in a way that is safe for you and your child of course). I know it's not easy, but you have to try and separate the issues you're having with DP from the issue of what's right for your child.

laudete · 05/01/2021 10:30

You haven't disclosed the full background but you have mentioned that he broke some of your things. That indicates aggression. For your own safety, you should attend the registrar's appointment without him. As you aren't married, you cannot add the father's name to the certificate if he is not present. He can apply to the courts, at a later date, to add his name to the birth certificate and a judge (a neutral third-party) will be able to decide if that is best for the child. So, I feel that solves your birth certificate dilemma.

I would suggest you give the baby your surname, as you aren't married and are no longer with the father. The child will not be able to easily change their name later on, until at least 16 years old, without the consent of both parents. It doesn't bother all kids but some do have strong naming preferences. I feel your ex would be more likely to agree to the child changing to his surname than changing to your surname. Using your surname from the start would, therefore, give your child more options in the future.

TheNanny23 · 05/01/2021 10:30

The thing is a birth certificate isn’t just some record for genealogy; it affords responsibilities onto those names and there is good reason that an unmarried man cannot be named unless he attends registration with the child.

Do you want to afford parental responsibilities to a man who has sworn at and threatened his infant son?!

Cut all contact now, do not put him on the birth certificate, make a written offer to him sent recorded delivery to have regular contact via a child contact centre supervised in the first instance naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre/.

This is not about what the adults want, this is about safeguarding the child.

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:32

@Rainbowqueeen there is an awful lot of stuff in my relationship that could be considered abusive. i am planning on leaving, it just has to be done carefully as dp has prevented me from leaving in the past by breaking any means of communication i have with family. Sometime i fear he will act irrationally or do something crazy if i dont do it carefully. his ex claims he kidnapped their child, he says otherwise...

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/01/2021 10:35

Don’t need to read your whole OP. Absolutely do not put him on the BC, you’ll be tied to him for the next 18 years if you are. In theory he could get himself added, but let that be something he has to pursue.

I hope you stay very far away from this toxic man.