Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

@Tempusfudgeit

A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.

This.

It doesn't mean the biological father is responsible/nice/etc.... it is just a fact. The child deserves the fact.

Do not put him on the birth certificate!

Ask the people sharing personal stories about adoption etc just stop. You are projecting and your personal circumstances have nothing to do with this situation.

Op if you put him on the birth certificate then you are handing him a whole load of rights over your child and by extension, you. He will be able to take your child at any point and then YOU have to go to court to get your child back and that can take weeks/ months. He can apply for a paper for the child if he is on the BC. Can authorise medical treatment etc. Can get involved with schooling and even so you moving away.

If he is, as you say, a pot smoking waste of space, will he really spend ££££ taking you to court just to get his name on the birth certificate? You can leave him off the birth certificate and still apply for maintenance and even get a DNA test to shore he is the father.

But do not hand him rights over your life without seriously thinking of the life long consequences. And in reality your child won't really care about their BC. Mine have never even seen their BC as I applied for their passports and driving licenses etc. But they know who their biological father is, but their dad is the man that raised them. In reality you will go on to have another relationship.

I would probably leave him off for now in the circumstances you describe, but if he has any ability to get himself together at all then it's probably at best a delaying tactic, as he can easily get PR if he takes you to court. Moving abroad is quite likely not going to be an option for you now that you've had a child in a shaky relationship with someone in this country. Unless of course he is too lazy and cheap to go to court, but even deadbeat dads can be quite motivated when it comes to getting one over on an ex, and as he is in fact the father he will get granted PR if he asks for it.

I think you will have to consider leaving him off as, essentially, a declaration of all-out war and be careful that you are well away from him and your family when you do so.

I would just be careful on how this will be viewed in years to come by your child. A close friend of mine did the same, unfortunately for her the abusive father turned his life around and his truth of events was very different. The birth certificate was for him further proof to give to his child that it was his bitter mum that pushed him away and weaponised their child. Her son moved in with his dad at 14 and he is now 21 and is very close to his dad and half siblings. Not so close to his mum.

It's insane how having no contact with friends and being isolated can make you think things are normal. Clearly ive let this go on for far too long.

Your son is only 3 months old and his father has already behaved aggressively towards you both, including smashing things when you were pregnant and threatening his tiny child?

I would register the birth without him. That gives you some breathing space as you will have sole PR.

He could go to court to be added but it involves effort on his part - will he bother? Even if he does it will take time and give you space to make decisions in your child's best interests beforehand.

I would also make sure you have a record of his behaviour towards you and DS, flag your concerns to your HV perhaps so you have a paper trail if you need to take actions to safeguard your son re: contact.

Leave him off, let him take you to court and get a lawyer, anything you agree to now without legal advice will likely be quite detrimental to you and your baby. Good luck, OP!

@HappyNewYear2021

Tempusfudgeit
A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.
This.

It doesn't mean the biological father is responsible/nice/etc.... it is just a fact. The child deserves the fact.

It is more than a fact -it affords parental responsibility to the man named!

I really like laudetes post. Full of very respectable reasons for doing what is obviously in your best interest, practically. I reckon she must be a lawyer.

Another one saying absolutely do not put this man on the birth certificate. Put the onus on him and if he can be arsed then let him go through courts/DNA testing, whatever else. He sounds like someone that I'd be keeping my ds away from tbh.

A birth certificate is NOT a statement of biological fact. If a married couple get pregnant via sperm donor then the husband is assumed to be the father due to the marriage. He is on the Birth certificate. If a woman gets pregnant via donated egg, she is the mother. Why do people on mums net insist on making shit up?

Imagine I am married but separated. I get pregnant to my next door neighbour and raise the child with him. My estranged husband divorces me and then dies with no relatives. My child would haves valid claim to that estate as the marriage means the child is assumed to be his.

Op- don't put him on the BC. Just don't. If by some miracle he sorts himself in the future and rights his behaviour then you can add him when you get married. That's allowed.

A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.

As people have pointed out, it's not only that. Putting him on is potentially worse for OP. There is no benefit in the foreseeable future for OP or child. If the father is one worth having, he will get paternity recognised legally anyway.

She can tell the child the facts when he's older, so not putting father on the certificate is not withholding information.

@FeedMeSantiago having a papertrail of his behaviour is something my parents suggested to. Surely if I mention his behaviour to HV it will trigger something with social services though?

I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp

Do you actually intend to coparent with him though? If you do, leaving him off makes no sense?

I think leaving, taking your baby and getting as far away as possible sounds like the best course of action. If that is your intention then leave him off.

But it sounds like you aren't actually clear in your own mind how you see your future relationship, and how you see your "D"P's relationship (if there is one) with your son.

I think YABU.
The birth certificate is as much for your DC as for anyone and thye have the right to know who their parents are.
Because you and the DP are not getting on doesnt mean you should act in a way that will cause distress for him and the DC.
If you felt like this you should have gotten out of the relationship earlier and not tried to disrupt it now.
You will only be hurting the DC as things stand.

@Blueroses99

He has already made it clear that he wants to control you through the child so that’s a huge red flag. If he demands a DNA test and it goes to court, you can ensure that any restrictions are discussed and agreed - never allowing a child to go on holiday or to visit relatives is not reasonable behaviour.

I would leave it off. As others say he can always get added later. Is there a particular reason he would know or see the birth certificate?

Ialso worry that he actually does sound abusive. You say that he broke your things, he is trying to control reasonable travel and most worryingly you left because of his behaviour to a newborn baby...

I’m actually worried that you’re down playing the seriousness of the situation. Could you tell us more?

@Tempusfudgeit

A birth certificate is a statement of biological fact which your child deserves to have.

No, it really isn't.

100% leave him off it

A birth certificate is NOT a statement of biological facts.

Its estimate somewhere between 12-15 birth certificates have the wrong father listed as the mother was unfaithful or unsure etc. Surrogacy, sperm donor etc.

[quote Cyber27]@FeedMeSantiago having a papertrail of his behaviour is something my parents suggested to. Surely if I mention his behaviour to HV it will trigger something with social services though?[/quote]
Only if you are allowing him contact. I wouldn’t based on what you’ve said. A newborn is hugely vulnerable.

It sounds like he is abusive and well done for finally realising you need to leave. I strongly recommend you keep his name off otherwise he can use his PR to continue to abuse you. He is already threatening you by using the child to control what you can and can't do. If he has PR he could eg take the child from nursery or school and no-one could stop him.

If he is that bothered he can take it to court to be added later on.

@Cyber27

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?

If he turned his life around and could prove it to the court, then its very likely.

If he did nothing to improve himself, and you could prove to the court that he has such problems, then they might initiate supervised contact at a family centre.

Leaving him off the birth cert won't actually do anything or change anything, not legally anyway. He can prove he is the Dad by doing a DNA test, so his name doesn't need to be on the certificate for him to apply for custody or whatever else.

I don't know what you should do, but leaving him off the birth cert doesn't actually have as much power as you seem to hope it will.

Good luck.

Unfortunately with pr tied into birth certificate it is not as simple as a name if father.

A dad with pr can keep a child with mum having to go to court to get child back. Shouldn't be an ussue in normal circumstances but it is in abusive relationships.

You need to get out asap, leave him off.

He can get it added through court but would he bother.

You also need to be honest with Hv

@titchy are you sure you mean

Take Laudetes post on board. Do not add this man and please get in touch with women’s aid. I would imagine you are minimising his behaviour, that is not a criticism it’s very common amongst women who struggle with how their lives have taken a turn for the worst with an abusive partner.

Your child would have not have had a clue that it was Christmas and reading that part of your post is quite heartbreaking. Remember just because we want something to be okay it just sometimes will never be ok.