Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

[quote Cyber27]@CatVsChristmasTree I see where your coming from. Dp has shouted, sworn at and threatend ds and I feel that maybe that justifies leaving him off, as a way to protect him?[/quote]
this man has shouted, sworn at and threatned your son and you are wondering whether to put him on the BC???
do not do this
ask yourself, is he doing the things a good Dad does?
what will he be teaching your son about how to have a relationship?
If you name him on the BC you will never be free of him for the next 18 years, possibly never. If you don't name him there's a chance you and your DS can live in peace.

[quote MunaZaldrizoti]@Takemetothebar

Well someone has to, considering the rampant ignorance that is evident on this thread. If you can't imagine the damage it does to pile blame onto an already abused person, and don't want to understand, that's on you and your conscience.[/quote]
Do you not think that the way OP phrased the OP before monumental drip feeds has contributed here?

Not being on the BC, can't prevent dp establishing his paternity with a DNA test. He can then apply to a court for Parental Responsibility and if that was granted, you would need his consent to take the child abroad. The fact you both made an appointment to register the birth together, proves he is willing to acknowledge paternity and would make any refusal by you , look vindictive. A court might take a dim view.

Aside from your failed relationship with DP.consider your DC's future feelings. His parental origin belongs to the child; it's not something you should use as a weapon against the father.

It's not DC's fault his parents fell out. He deserves to have his father named and acknowledged on the BC he will be using for his entire life. Not, a blank space . If he and his father never have a relationship, perhaps that's even more important, for DP's sense of Identity.

I

Well someone has to, considering the rampant ignorance that is evident on this thread. If you can't imagine the damage it does to pile blame onto an already abused person, and don't want to understand, that's on you and your conscience.

I will always be sympathetic to someone who is being abused but not at the expense of a child and the child is who I am more concerned about.

OP needs some honest advice to decide whether she leaves him to keep her child safe or stays with him and gets rid of the child before he seriously harms it.

Aside from your failed relationship with DP.consider your DC's future feelings. His parental origin belongs to the child; it's not something you should use as a weapon against the father.

I would usually 100% agree but in this case I don’t think he should be on it.

@HappyChristmasTreeRex

I don't think it should be optional, sorry I know it's an unpopular view, but whether you like it or not he is the father.

I totally agree. Wanker or not, you created this wain with him, he is the father and should be on the certificate.

Flippin drip feeds do not help.

My bio father was abusive to my mother both physically and mentally. She still put him on my birth certificate as he is (albeit I’ve never met him) still biologically my father. I think he should be on it.

He can take you to court who will give him parental responsibility if a DNA test proves he's the dad (or if you confirm in court he is the dad).

OP PLEASE LEAVE ASAP AND DO NOT ADD HIS NAME TO THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! The man threatened a 3 month old baby with death FGS!! What more does it take to see the abuse?!

Sorry for the caps but so many people here are talking absolute nonsense about it “being your son’s right” or “needing to be accurate”. Your son’s right is actually to not be abused by his father. And as his mum it is YOUR responsibility to keep him safe. This means leaving and NOT GOING BACK.

Please just go to your parents tomorrow and from there you can ring Women’s Aid and the Police. Get your son registered with your surname only and without the “father” on there. Otherwise he could take your son out of the country against your wishes and it’s pretty clear he will end up harming him at some point.

So many abuse apologists on this thread, horrendous!!

Oh and OP, I’m 33, married, own a house and have never even seen a copy of my birth certificate so your son won’t know or care about whether his bio dad’s name is on there. However he WILL care if his abusive bio dad gets rights over him because you allowed his name to be added.

PLEASE LEAVE ASAP!

I think you are being unreasonable personally. The child isn't just yours you both made him. His little life isn't a game. Your mum and he is dad.

Meant to say please don’t give you DS this mans last name, I had to change mine as a teenager. You have to leave for the safety of your Son! However I still think he should be on the bc

Wanker or not, you created this wain with him, he is the father and should be on the certificate.

Not a chance.....

Doesn't mean he is a good dad.

I can’t believe that many MNers think a complete birth certificate is more important than a child’s safety. WTAF?

Oh, and apparently there’s no such thing as an abusive dad, because if he were that bad, the mum wouldn’t have had a baby with him.

OP, I wouldn’t voluntarily put this man’s name on the birth certificate either. And I’d contact the police or Women’s Aid for help in getting out of this relationship as safely as possible. Good luck.

You know he is the child's father.
Do the right thing by your child and put his name on it.

Good luck OP you’re doing the right thing. Definitely don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t give the baby his surname. Only yours. Well done for being so brave x

this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him,

And YOU are a mother who kept forgiving that, and moving back in with him despite those threats to the child, and are still with him.

Nobody here is suggesting you or the child stay with the father; exactly the opposite.

Even lousy parents have legal rights; and some people here have been trying to make you understand that you can't block his just by leaving his name off the BC.

Do the right thing by your child and put his name on it.

In other words:

Do the right thing by your child, and give his abusive and threatening father equal parental responsibility. Yes, this means he could take the baby away without your permission, and yes, this father has been accused of doing something very similar before. But it will all be worth it, because your baby will have a birth certificate with no blank spaces.

Personally, I would leave him off. There are a couple of ways he could be added at a later date (he can pursue it through the court or you can both re-register) but if you put him on, he can only be removed via a court.
Whilst I somewhat agree that it is your child's birth record, birth registrations also come with rights and responsibilities. If he is on the registration, he would have as great a say as you would regarding school, religion etc.
No way would I give him those rights. He could still acquire them but would have to go through the courts to do so.
Leaving him off does not mean that your child does or will not know who their father is.

Regardless if he pushes for a DNA test he can still have the same rights as being on the BC. It’s just delaying the inevitable. Put him on the BC, leave and take him to court if he wants access. He might be a complete arsehole but his child deserves to know who he is and decide when he’s older if he wants a relationship or not.

I don't think many would be advocating what they are if OP hadnt drip fed so ridiculously so thereis no point kicking off at each other.

[quote Cyber27]@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?[/quote]
Remove yourself and your child from his presence immediately. It doesn't matter if you lose a home, money, possessions. He could flip at any moment. Just go. Ask any person at all, a stranger on the street, whoever, to phone the police. They'll put you in touch with Women's Aid and contact your parents for you.

Hi OP

We're just moving your thread over to relationships as we don't think AIBU is the right place.