Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

A birth certificate belongs to the child and should always factually represent the childs parentage.

Access is a seperate thing.

I dont think it makes much difference whether he's on the birth certificate.

Since around 2003 in UK it really does make a difference as it gives PR - which is really hard to get removed and has quite a few implications for OP and her child.

OP I don't know how you'd get him out the flat - but may well be worth contacting women's aid for some advice from them about how to proceed.

It is, Itthink I might have to call up parents. Gonna start a thread in relationships I think

I have not read all the posts but have read yours, OP.

If he is on the birth certificate without specific arrangements in place, he can take the child and not bring him back and there is nothing the police can do about it. People with abusive tendencies (which he shows) often wield their parental “rights” to control their ex partner, with no regard for their child. This could manifest itself as him trying to block you from travelling abroad even for a holiday (a court would overturn it, but you’d have to go through that).

Time and again, women leaving abusive situations wish they had left the father off the certificate.

You mention relations with his family but “blood is thicker than water” and these may sour anyway.

Up until 2003 (I think) being on birth certificate without being married just meant father was registered as being the father: it was a historical document, nothing more. The change in law meaning being on the BC now gives them equal rights is usually good, arguably, but not in situations like yours. You must tread carefully. People voting YABU often do not have experience of the havoc abusive men can wreak through avenues for control such as this.

Get some support and therapy for yourself: you deserve better than how he has been treating you and should try to work out what has led you to thinking you don’t (the fact you have returned to the situation shows you don’t value yourself as much as you deserve to be valued ) Look at The Freedom Programme or New Beginnings.

He may say the relationship was soured by you leaving him off BC, but even if you put him on he’ll likely find some other excuse to treat you and your son badly anyway.

If he wants to be put on, he can be; however, this would be following mediation (which may be deemed unsuitable given what you describe of his behaviour sounds abusive) and family court, during which process a child arrangements order could be drawn up which, if you were named as resident parent, would give you more freedom and limit his control.

Alternatively, he might complain but not do anything about getting on the BC, in which case you have more control over your life.

Remember you can get the birth certificate changed at any point in the future: your child is not being left with a lifetime of a blank space on the certificate.

It’s important, whichever way you go, that you can demonstrate to courts (should it get that far) that you have not tried to alienate your child from his father, have encouraged ongoing contact, provided updates, etc. Make a log of any and all welfare concerns, and if serious abusive behaviour happens (this includes verbal) make a record of it with the police by calling 101.

You can leave him off the birth cert but he is certainly within his rights to go to court to be put on it. The courts will allow This to happen

YABU. The birth certificate is a document your child might need for the rest of their life. You know who the father is. It should be on the certificate. Don't make it a weapon. It is a key life document for your child.

Access is a seperate thing.

Access and Prarental rights are different - but PR does come with implcaitions for the OP and child.

Hi Op
It is a fact that your baby has a father otherwise your baby,would not exist.

I am adopted myself even though my natural birth father Never wanted to know me since I was born,cause he was married to someone else when my birth mother,was pregnant with me.

Its reasurring to know my natural fathers name and his career,
So I feel some sense of my own personal identity.
So feel less emotionally adrift at sea feeling knowing precious little about my birth/adoptive family heritage/and experincing shit childhood experiences in children's homes.

Also I have experienced Abusive toxic relantship with father of my children,
So I get understand how you feel,
Even through its a struggle,
You need to put your personal feelings aside on this issue.

And focus more on potentialy how,the ways, this decision could have impact on your child in years to come.

And how your child will feel in years to come about this kind of decision in future too.

Your child's father if he is headstrong, enough he could allways prove he is your child's father through the courts with DNA evidence ...

this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently.

What the fuck?!

If that is true then you should not even be discussing co-parenting. You should be speaking to your HV and social services yourself and reporting your concerns, and keeping your baby well away from him!

I notice you say upthread that you're concerned that speaking to HV would trigger a SS notification - THAT SHOULD BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. They won't be scrutinising you, quite the opposite - they'll see that you're a responsible parent concerned about an abusive man having access to your child.

You REALLY need to rethink this. It will be absolutely NO GOOD speaking up in court when access is discussed and saying no, he's a threat, I don't want him having overnight access, he's threatened him before. That's the point at which they will look at you in horror and say, but you've been facilitating him having access to this baby? Were you not concerned to protect him, why haven't you spoken up? THEN your parenting will indeed either be called into question... or you'll be thought to be lying.

Please - stop all contact with him and go to your HV with your concerns, and if they don't take it seriously, YOU call social services. Yes he's the father. That does not mean that he should be within 100 miles of your/his child if that is the kind of person he is.

PS please call 101 and log with them the threats he has already made to your son. Also tell your son’s GP. It is important to have an official record of all this and it is absolutely justification for only naming yourself on the BC at this stage.

@Cyber27 Please contact women’s aid for support and advice.

Putting the father on the BC gives parent rights - he would have a say on schooling, medical decisions, etc and could be difficult for the sake of it.

I'm posting from a personal point of view and not necessarily a moral or legal one.

I'm happy to share more details - but the short version? he was an older abusive prick.

I had my child 11 years ago. She has unknown on her BC. He knew where my parents and grandparents lived. He knew where my sisters business was. I would have been incredibly easy to find, I lived a town over from him so distance not an issue. He NEVER tried to get PR or access once he'd kicked up a fuss and got bored a month later. He's since had 2 kids with another younger woman.

DC is a perfect well balanced child. People actually commend me on how polite and well rounded she is. If her bio dad was in her life I know for absolute certainty that she would be an entirely different child.

Just last night whilst watching family fortunes together she said to me and DH 'I really am lucky I have the best mum and I know biologically your not my dad but your the best dad' I think the panels of different family set ups where behind the thinking. She's never actually asked about where she came from but I've always been open at an age appropriate level so that there was no sudden shock.

I'm not ashamed to say I burst into tears.

Follow your gut OP. If he wants to try and get access and pr then let him prove himself and pay for the privilege.

I'd also consider the double barrel surname. If he never sees your baby again do you really want the added complication of the surname. If you marry and your child wants to take your name? What happens then? It's a right faf changing names especially if you need another person to agree.

And to the other posters saying 'why have a baby with this man' etc - you do realise if your in an abusive relationship your generally pretty ground down already by this point so when they want to sleep with you, you do it because it saves another argument or beating.

I would leave him off.

Also, Social Services will help you a lot: do not be afraid of them. I speak from experience.

@SimonJT

A birth certificate belongs to the child and should always factually represent the childs parentage.

Access is a seperate thing.

That is absolute bollocks. I know it's a long thread, but please, just learn some basic facts before sharing nonsense.

It's not your right to leave him off the birth certificate.

I don’t believe using your child as a weapon will help in this case.

Put him on the BC. He is the child’s father.

Maybe instead of “if you won’t behave I won’t put you on the birth certificate of your son”

You could say

“If you don’t behave I will leave, and this time I will not come back”

Then stick to your guns. You can use your son as an ultimatum just because your too weak to leave for good.

Side of the victim blaming on this thread is horrifying. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

@Diverseduvet

It literally IS her right you twonk

@Diverseduvet

It's not your right to leave him off the birth certificate.

It kinda is. If he doesn't come with her to register the birth (which I'd argue he shouldn't, given the abuse) he can't be added to the birth certificate anyway.

Oh and yes once he's on the birth certificate, you do have to get his permission to move out of the coutry with your child. And a whole lot of other things.

But honestly OP's last post is so chilling that, forget the fucking birth certificate. This man needs to be flagged up to social services as a threat to the child.

Here is the thing - someone who can actually bear to think of such horrific, graphic acts in relation to any child, but especially their own, and actually vocalise it - isn't right in the head. A normal loving dad with normal emotions towards his own child just wouldn't be able to get those words out, wouldn't be able to bear to think of those kinds of tortures happening to his baby. That's the red flag, and saying he was 'joking' does not take away the warning sign - this man isn't normal, he's psychopathic and a danger to your child.

Please please alert authorities and keep him away from the baby.

I totally understand your position.

But I still think it's a fucked up thing to do.

And yes please also register him with just your surname. You will be very, very glad you did. Please.

But honestly OP's last post is so chilling that, forget the fucking birth certificate. This man needs to be flagged up to social services as a threat to the child.

This - OP talk to your parents, GP HV and SS - they are all there to help you and your child.

DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BC.
Sorry for the uppercase but if you do, you'll never be rid of the loser.