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Original poster

Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

311 replies

Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 10:09

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

OP posts:
RB68 · 05/01/2021 11:16

I would leave him off as well. Its no guarantee but means he will have to go to court for Parental responsibility. If I were you I would also sort child residency in court and include the right to go and see people abroad, maybe allowing for not moving abroad without his agreement if you think that is acceptable. He has no right to control you in such a way - its not about him but about whats best for the child, family relationships are important and means he is restricting your holiday and family time and it is unreasonable. I honestly think you need to see a lawyer to get things agreed and laid out so he doesn't have the right to dictate everything you and your child can and can't do. ALso do not sign his agreement under any circumstances

Imissmoominmama · 05/01/2021 11:17

My birth father isn’t on mine and I’m glad. I know who he is, but I don’t want to recognise him as my father.

Branleuse · 05/01/2021 11:17

leave him off and definitely dont give the child his name

FlyNow · 05/01/2021 11:19

You might be putting to much weight on the birth cert, as pp have said, he can have pr/contact without being on it. He could also not have those things if he is on it.

Filling out the bc isn't saying "you have no concerns", it's saying you know the identity of the man who fathered the child.

Anurulz · 05/01/2021 11:19

@laudete

You haven't disclosed the full background but you have mentioned that he broke some of your things. That indicates aggression. For your own safety, you should attend the registrar's appointment without him. As you aren't married, you cannot add the father's name to the certificate if he is not present. He can apply to the courts, at a later date, to add his name to the birth certificate and a judge (a neutral third-party) will be able to decide if that is best for the child. So, I feel that solves your birth certificate dilemma.

I would suggest you give the baby your surname, as you aren't married and are no longer with the father. The child will not be able to easily change their name later on, until at least 16 years old, without the consent of both parents. It doesn't bother all kids but some do have strong naming preferences. I feel your ex would be more likely to agree to the child changing to his surname than changing to your surname. Using your surname from the start would, therefore, give your child more options in the future.

I agree completely with this post..
Dancingalong · 05/01/2021 11:20

If you don’t add him you can either add him at a later by agreed re registration or he can go through the courts to be added this way.

TanglinOrchards · 05/01/2021 11:20

[quote RedMarauder]**@awwkkwwaard* and @TanglinOrchards* the law now is if both parents have parental responsibility and agree then the child can change their name before they are 16.

If only one parent has parental responsibility then they don't need to ask the other parent before changing the child's name.

Parental responsibility can be obtained by being put on the birth certificate or going through Court.[/quote]
the law is that the father on the bc has to give permission. An e-mail or text message will suffice. But they have to give permission.

OR the mother has to go to court and apply for a specific issues order and the court decides.

I have actual and recent knowledge of this. As in the last 6 months.

fastwigglylines · 05/01/2021 11:20

@Coseynightin

How selfish of you - the guy should be on the certificate. Doesnt matter if the bloke is an ar**. If he was like this anyway why have a child with him?
Selfish? To act to protect her baby from abuse? You're on another planet. Yes it matters very much if the bloke is an arse - unless you're from the school of thought that men should get whatever they want, no matter who gets hurt along the way.
ReallySpicyCurry · 05/01/2021 11:21

Leave him off. If he cares that much he can go to court to be put on it.

I put my ex on my eldest's BC and gave her his name because I felt I was doing the right thing and maintaining moral high ground.

He fucked off, but is spiteful, and the only person who has suffered as a result of what it says on that BC is my child

fastwigglylines · 05/01/2021 11:22

his ex claims he kidnapped their child, he says otherwise...

This is enough to not put him on the certificate.

If he has parental responsibility and refuses to give your DC back, you may have a battle on your hands to get your own child back.

If he's not named on the birth cert, then you have a lot more power.

CantBeAssed · 05/01/2021 11:23

My ex partner basically bullied me into adding his name to birth cert. He now has nc with my child but the fact his name is on bc gives him parental rights...its my biggest regret...his name can be added at any point should you wish to do this down the line...please give this careful consideration..once its on it can make life very difficult...

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 11:23

@Blueroses99 come to think of it I don't have to leave, as the apartment is in my name. How can I get him to leave without causing more drama?

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 05/01/2021 11:24

@Cyber27 it’s all well and good leaving him off the birth certificate but that won’t do any good if you keep going back to him.

Your two month old didn’t need a family Christmas. He didn’t know it was Christmas, as you are well aware.

So if you’re going to do this with the birth certificate make sure you’re ready to actually leave this man behind.

TheNanny23 · 05/01/2021 11:24

@FlyNow

You might be putting to much weight on the birth cert, as pp have said, he can have pr/contact without being on it. He could also not have those things if he is on it.

Filling out the bc isn't saying "you have no concerns", it's saying you know the identity of the man who fathered the child.

If she puts him on the birth certificate he gains parental responsibility. That is then very hard to take away.

If she doesn’t put him on the certificate then he does not gain parental responsibility. He can request for a family court to add it later.

He can have contact regardless of what the birth certificate says.

It’s not just a case of the identity of the father, as many others have said.

fridascruffs · 05/01/2021 11:25

I dont think it makes much difference whether he's on the birth certificate. Maybe ask a lawyer, there are services you can call for advice for £20 or so for 15 minutes. Regarding leaving the country, it also won't make a difference if he gets PR via a DNA test. Are you in a Hague Convention country now? (Most countries are.) Look it up- you can't remove a child from the country without both parents' agreement.

YoniAndGuy · 05/01/2021 11:25

Please please leave him off.

It's a no-brainer - if things settle and he proves himself to be able to put his child first, he can be added on.

But you can't take him off.

He is abusive and has already indicated that he sees his possible parental responsibility as a way to continue to control you.

He can fight to be added and it will cost him. I honestly think leaving him off will be a very useful experience for you - because, when faced with court, having to answer for his behaviour, having to mediate and discuss access arrangements- it is actually quite likely for men like this to just drift off. If you're not easy pickings to boss around, they're actually not that interested. So far, does he act like a man who loves his child, or a man that just wants rights over his child and doesn't actually give a shit about caring - as in, supporting you, providing a safe and loving and non-abusive home-? I think you know the answer.

But some of that is for the future. Right now, the most worrying thing is that you describe him as irrational and paranoid. If he is on the birth certificate, in the eyes of the law he has every right to take your baby, decide not to give him back and you would find yourself in a court to have to sort it out Do NOT hand an irrational, paranoid abuser that power. It is absolutely 100% not in your baby's best interests while they are this small. Protect your baby right now, legally, from him having any power.

If he takes it to court - then yes he will eventually go on the certificate BUT before that happens there will be level upon level of scrutiny and he will then also be subject to a court order which pins down what he can and cannot do.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/01/2021 11:26

@Cyber27

I hadn't considered that. How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?
Don’t add him on. And leave. Right now
nevernotstruggling · 05/01/2021 11:26

Unfortunately with PR it's likely. If you put him on the BC you are telling the court that at the time you had no concerns.

Sorry but this is not vaguely true. Naming a man as the father is not an assessment of parenting in any sense.

It's like this with unmarried parents (no judgement just factual) - the father can be named if he attends the appointment with the mother. Op if you feel
Uncomfortable allowing him to attend with you then go on your own.

In my opinion a child should have an accurate bc if possible.

wildraisins · 05/01/2021 11:26

Whatever you do with the birth ceftificate, do NOT sign anything saying you won't take your child out of the country! It sounds like you are going to be the main parent and have most of the care responsibilities, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. Don't sign over your right to move abroad if you want to because of this loser!

TheNanny23 · 05/01/2021 11:27

@Cyber27

Is the apartment a rental?

It would be safer for you to go to your parents and then communicate with him by letter recorded delivery or through a solicitor.

Throwing him out might be a valid strategy but a very risky one for you.

TanglinOrchards · 05/01/2021 11:28

@fridascruffs

I dont think it makes much difference whether he's on the birth certificate. Maybe ask a lawyer, there are services you can call for advice for £20 or so for 15 minutes. Regarding leaving the country, it also won't make a difference if he gets PR via a DNA test. Are you in a Hague Convention country now? (Most countries are.) Look it up- you can't remove a child from the country without both parents' agreement.
It makes a difference.

Do you want to have to ask for written permission every time you want to take your child to Spain in the half term and have hi withold it out of spite?

Do you want him to have full access to school records and be able to pick the child up from school without your permission and the teachers not to be able to do anything about it, - again out of spite.

leave off. If he is interested enough to go to court to go on it then that is up to him.

Original poster
Cyber27 · 05/01/2021 11:29

@Coseynightin this is a man who threatened to throw my baby off a 9th floor balcony, throw him down the garbage chute, put him in a bin and pour boiling water on him, all said as a joke apparently. Am i still selfish for wanting him to not have automatic parental responsibility??? I might be a total utter idiot but your heads in the clouds. Did it ever occur to you that sometimes babies happen accidently?

OP posts:
TopBants · 05/01/2021 11:29

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue

Guessing you’re not in the U.K. if you’ve not registered the birth by 3 months then
Backlog due to COVID. Our DS wasn't registered until nearly 3 months old either.
Somanysocks · 05/01/2021 11:29

It is a legal document, you know who the child's father is therefore it should be on that document.

TanglinOrchards · 05/01/2021 11:30

@wildraisins

Whatever you do with the birth ceftificate, do NOT sign anything saying you won't take your child out of the country! It sounds like you are going to be the main parent and have most of the care responsibilities, regardless of who is on the birth certificate. Don't sign over your right to move abroad if you want to because of this loser!
again no. If he is on the bc then you are not permitted to take the child out of the country without his permission (without a formal live with order from the court). Again it is a criminal offence to do so.

Go and see a solicitor if you doubt what I am saying. But this is the fact and legal fact of the matter.