Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

Why on earth do you call him your "darling" partner??! He sounds awful.

That aside he is the child's father and as @VodselForDinner said A birth cert is a historical record so a big part of his thinks it should be accurate. The child has a father, that’s a fact that should be recorded

It is HIS birth certificate, not yours

@Ponoka7

"How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement"

Unfortunately with PR it's likely. If you put him on the BC you are telling the court that at the time you had no concerns.

this this and this.

Don't do it. Please.

@thedancingbear

FGS. Your child's birth certificate is not a stick to beat your partner with.

People are calling her partner abusive but there's little in her posts that makes it clear this is the case. If the relationship is abusive then she needs to get out of there asap, of course, but we shouldn't assume this is the case.

Dp has shouted, sworn at and threatend ds

Doing that to a 3 month old baby sounds pretty damn abusive to me

Give him your surname, and don't put dad on birth cert.

If he cares, he can apply for PR.

I would also consider going abroad asap.

@2BDIs

I may be wrong but I thought you could be done for fraud of you leave a known father of the birth certificate and they agree to attend to be added or get someone you known is not the father added. Ultimately at the end of the day the child should know who their father is.

No, that is absolute nonsense.

I know exactly who my daughter's biological father is, and I never had the slightest intention of putting him on the certificate, because he donated sperm. This is increasingly common.

You may feel a child should know who their father is (and I agree), but that's not what a birth certificate is for. The OP can talk to her child about it in an age-appropriate way. But there's no reason she should given an abusive partner rights he hasn't sought for himself. That's what this would be.

Would it impact any child maintenance payments if he isn't named?

I think since you know who the father is, been in a relationship and tried to make it a success but it wasn't to be, you should name him. As other posters have stated, it does feel very unfair on your child to exclude his father on such important documents which he will use as his life progresses.

@awwkkwwaard

The child will not be able to easily change their name later on, until at least 16 years old, without the consent of both parents

Rubbish. My DS name was changed aged 5 when I remarried. His biological father was on the birth certificate but we weren't married - he had no say in the name change (which was done by a solicitor).

I am surprised at this. Very surprised.

@mam0918 if the father clearly wanted to be on the birth certificate he would have bothered to use Google during his partner's pregnancy to check how he could be on it. The UK government is very helpful and posts information online about it.

He doesn't need to abuse and/or threaten the mother of his child once the child is born to be put on it.

UK law was change just before my kids were born so putting a father on the birth certificate gives PR - so it's no longer just a "histroical record" but one with legal implications for the duration of that child's childhood.

Plus father can take action if he's upset and getting missed off and get added later.

OP needs to do some reading and understand what the actual situation is - not the made up shit that's being posted here and then decide herself what's best long term for her child given their situation.

The problem is not the birth certificate.

The problem is you not actually leaving him.

'Wanting to' and then always going back, no matter how badly he behaves.

You need to look out for your child by looking out for your child and stopping this going back and forth. What does your child learn from that?

His behaviour is bad enough to leave him off the BC. but not bad enough for you to leave?

OK. If you leave him off, will he take steps to establish parentage and therefore parental responsibility?

Do you need his CM? Because he might deny parenthood and unless he is on the BC a DNA test will be required to make him pay....which will then give him the option of PR.

Are his family likely to be helpful and supportive, and good grandparents? They can be that whoever is or is not on the BC.

Is he alert and engaged over the BC? If you leave and just register the baby by yourself, will he even realise? Has he said he wants to be on the BC / made an issue of it?

Whose surname will your baby have? If you plan to leave him (for heavens sake, just do it, this relationship really isn't going to last unless you submit to a thoroughly miserable existence for 18 years) ) then you would be very strongly advised to give the baby your surname. Can you do that is he is in the Register Office with you?

@awwkkwwaard and @TanglinOrchards the law now is if both parents have parental responsibility and agree then the child can change their name before they are 16.

If only one parent has parental responsibility then they don't need to ask the other parent before changing the child's name.

Parental responsibility can be obtained by being put on the birth certificate or going through Court.

OP - you need to get proper advice. Speak to an organisation like Women's Aid who can advise you on your rights in this situation. They will be able to help you keep yourself and your DS safe.

@percypetulant

Give him your surname, and don't put dad on birth cert.

If he cares, he can apply for PR.

I would also consider going abroad asap.

Basically: this.

Like you said, except in abusive situations.

And this is an abusive situation; reschedule the appointment and go without him.

Would it impact any child maintenance payments if he isn't named?

www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/legal-help-and-responsibilities/parental-responsibility/

Supporting children financially
Parental responsibility does not affect the duty a parent has to maintain their child financially – all parents have a duty to pay towards their child’s upbringing, whether or not they have parental responsibility.

Leave him off. You can always add him later if he sorts himself out.

OP you've posted this in AIBU so you'll get a lot of people spouting shit who have no idea what they're talking about, and just piling in.

I'd suggest you start a new thread in Relationships about how to leave. You'll get a lot more support and helpful advice there. Forget the birth certificate, you need to get out.

Please call Women's Aid and ask for help to leave. Smashing your phones so you can't call for help is terrifying behaviour. Get yourself and your baby safe.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

In the UK changing a child's surname requires the agreement of everyone with parental responsibility.

OR you can do it with a court order, but courts are said to be reluctant to agree unless there are very serious considerations (abuse etc, needing a change of identity).

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

Also just to re iterate- don’t ‘save’ to leave him.

Go now. It can and will work. No practicality is insurmountable but you and your baby are at risk of harm.

A birth certificate confers rights on a parent unfortunately.

Incidentally, they no longer write 'unknown' in the father box; it's just left blank

‘How likely is it for a man with severe mental health problems, lack of responsibility with previous child in previous relationship, no job and a weed smoker that he could get some sort of custody agreement?‘

And you had a child with him because.....

@CatVsChristmasTree

I've put YABU because my father asked not to be on my birth certificate (I think to get out of paying child support?) and so it says unknown in the father space. He never lived with us, but I did have sporadic contact as a child and still do.

It has always bothered me, as an adult. I really resent both my parents for allowing that to happen and haven't ever forgiven my Dad. We aren't close. I did ask him once if we could get it amended and he agreed but we never got around to it.

Consider your child's feelings, please. This certificate is theirs, not yours and will form part of their identity. Be careful how you use it.

This ^^

You make no mention in your OP as to how this might affect your DS. It’s got nothing to do with your parents. I understand some of your reasons but you can’t make this decision without also taking the future implications for your DS into account.

How selfish of you - the guy should be on the certificate. Doesnt matter if the bloke is an ar**. If he was like this anyway why have a child with him?

Guessing you’re not in the U.K. if you’ve not registered the birth by 3 months then