Leaving Dp off birth certificate?

[Cyber27]

I would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to not add my 3mo fathers name to his birth certificate. Has anyone else been in a similar situations and what would you do.

Here's some back ground information. Me and dp have been together for about 2.5 years. The relationship has been quite difficult and I have tried to leave several times but always end up forgiving dp.

During my pregnancy dp messed up quite bad (won't go into details but it involved dp breaking some of my things). I went away for a month or so and stayed with family. I forgave him and we decided to try and make things work for the sake of our child.

Since then many of the things dp promised to do/change he hasn't done and I feel the relationship is coming to an end for good.

2 weeks before Christmas I dumped him and took ds and stayed at my parents for a week as I didn't like the way he was speaking to/treating ds. Like an idiot I went back to him as I wanted to give ds at least one Christmas where his family were together.

My parents are adamant I should leave dp off the birth certificate and only add him once he can prove he is a responsible loving parent. The only reason dp is currently not on birth certificate is because we are waiting for our appointment later in January due to covid delaying registering. Had ds birth been registered straight after he was born dp would probably have been added to the birth certificate.

My main reason for wanting to leave him off is because I have no doubt if things go south between me and dp he will try to get custody. Dp has also asked that I write up and sign a formal agreement and take it to a lawyer basically stating that I will never take ds out of the country permenantly without dp permission even if we split. Dp has already stated he would not give permission.

This is a problem for me as I have lots of family abroad who have offered for me to move to their countries (although I'm not planning to). I intend on getting a nursing degree in the next few years and employment and education opportunities abroad seem very enticing. Sometimes I think I could give ds a much better life abroad.

Being adopted myself and having never seen my original birth certificate the idea that a fathers name should be on a birth certificate feels quite morally important to me (except in abusive situations obvs) . I know if I do not add it dp will feel severely betrayed and I fear he may try to take some sort of legal action in the future. I also worry that by not adding him it will remove any trust we have left between us and make co parenting a lot harder with dp. He will never trust me in the future. however I also feel that if we do split for good I would limiting my opportunities massively by adding dp name. Dp can often be quite irrational and paranoid and I worry that he will come out with all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to control mine and ds life after we split if his name is on birth certificate.

What do I do? I really worry that his family (who i get along with nicely and are very supportive) will see this as some sort of total betrayal and that i would be denying that dp is the father even though we all know he is and I would never try to convince anyone he wasn't.

After reading all your posts OP I would be getting out of there today, can you move back in with your parents until you get on your feet again? Get them to collect you and bring even one bag, forget taking days to pack up bits. This guy is violent, breaks your things, threatens a baby, and alledged to have taken his child from a previous relationship, get the hell away today. It is like you are pondering what colour to paint the front room when the house is burning down around you.

You need to be careful.

I suggest you stop mentioning the birth certificate to him and anyone else as if he couldn't be bothered to turn up and register the birth with you, then you need to leave it to him to sort out getting parental responsibility.

If he mentions the birth certificate to you don't answer him and change the subject.

It actually doesn't cost pounds to sort it out getting parental responsibility for a child, and if he is interested he will sort it out himself.

If you keep bringing up the birth certificate saying you will or won't put him on it, you risk him going further and getting a Child Arrangements Order. Depending on the emails and other communications going between you, he can argue that you can't take your child out of the country without first informing him or worse without the Court's permission as you are a flight risk.

YABU this appears to be all about you and how your are feeling about your ex and what you plan to do about the future. What about your child's right to have the father named?

Being that you were together for 2.5 years and didn't leave until after your child was born any decent lawyer would highlight it as the first step towards parental alienation. That puts you in hot water legally especially when you yourself have admitted it would benefit you moving abroad.

You need to remember this is about your child's legal rights not yours.

I’d leave him off.

If he wants parental responsibility/contact he can do it through the courts.

Respectful mutual coparenting decisions can’t be made when one parent is an abusive dickhead. Better to have the courts spell out exactly what he can and can’t do with your child.

Leave him off. He is controlling and abusive.

Yes he can have himself added but it will be time and effort for him. I believe it is absolutely ethical and in your interest to have as many hurdles between you and this man as possible.

Also, you don’t need to tell his family, etc.

Don't plan on leaving, just leave. Go back to your mums.

@Blueroses99 if I said all the things that have happened I think people would call me crazy for not leaving sooner. I think the abuse has been going on for so long that it got normalized in my head. I have tried to leave repeatedly but he has smashed up phones to stop me from communicating with anyone in order to get help. I am saving money so that I can go. He has never laid a hand on my son but that is what I'm worried could happen

I can see it's a difficult decision. Personally, I think I would leave him off it, because the way he's behaved isn't the way a father behaves.

But I am concerned by posters claiming a birth certificate is a historical record of who someone's biological parents are. It isn't. It isn't even designed to be that.

There are multiple situations in which birth certificates can and do record a situation that is definitely not related to biological parentage. In England and Wales (may be different in Scotland; I don't know), a child of a married woman is legally presumed to be the child of her husband, unless indicated otherwise. This has been law for a very long time, but it's still in force (and married women who act as surrogates will be familiar with it). There is nothing at all to stop a woman from having a well-known affair, and also having her child recognised as her husband's offspring.

It is also perfectly legal and acceptable for two women to register a birth of a baby, and I think we all realise that biology is unlikely to be in play there!

So whatever else your concerns are, please don't be duped into thinking that this is something to do with his biological 'rights' as a father, or 'historical accuracy'. It's not. If he wants to establish that he's the biological father, there are other ways for him to do that; likewise if he wants to establish parental responsibility. The ball is in his court. What he is trying to do is to make you give up one of the few decisions that the law has left to you to make.

If in UK if you put him on he would get automatic PR - which he wouldn't if you are not married.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities

This could cause you issues later - he can go through a process to get himself added later but he'd actively have to do that.

If your not married:

Unmarried parents
The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

they sign the birth register together
one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibility
Register a birth

I'd read up what the implications are and then decide.

It won't affect maintance payments.

To balance all the stories of horror and father not being on certificate and many mother's I know put their DP on only to find later in their child childhood there's no contact with that parent and some don't even know where they are -which can affect things like holiday or school trips abroad.

The child will not be able to easily change their name later on, until at least 16 years old, without the consent of both parents

Rubbish. My DS name was changed aged 5 when I remarried. His biological father was on the birth certificate but we weren't married - he had no say in the name change (which was done by a solicitor).

@Watermama

YABU this appears to be all about you and how your are feeling about your ex and what you plan to do about the future. What about your child's right to have the father named?

Being that you were together for 2.5 years and didn't leave until after your child was born any decent lawyer would highlight it as the first step towards parental alienation. That puts you in hot water legally especially when you yourself have admitted it would benefit you moving abroad.

You need to remember this is about your child's legal rights not yours.

What about the child’s right to be safeguarded from an abusive parent?

She will not be in legal hot water at all and the last thing anyone on this board should be doing is making it harder for her to justify leaving him. She needs to pack her bags now.

She can leave and offer supervised contact in a contact centre as a first step.

I may be wrong but I thought you could be done for fraud of you leave a known father of the birth certificate and they agree to attend to be added or get someone you known is not the father added.
Ultimately at the end of the day the child should know who their father is.

About double-barrelling the name. Your son's name is not official until registration. I'm not sure you can legally add your partner's name unless he is either present and consents, or you are married to him.

Honestly, I agree with PPs. Leave him off, use your own name. This man is abusive, potentially dangerous and will seek to control you via the child. There are no benefits to adding him at this stage.

You need to focus on getting out of there, and ensuring that you can attend the appointment alone. Can someone you know escort you to the Register Office? Does you "D" P know the date, time and location of the appointment?

@2BDIs

I may be wrong but I thought you could be done for fraud of you leave a known father of the birth certificate and they agree to attend to be added or get someone you known is not the father added. Ultimately at the end of the day the child should know who their father is.

This is bollocks.

If a mother is unmarried, she cannot add any fathers name to the birth certificate, the father has to attend the appointment himself.

@2BDIs

I may be wrong but I thought you could be done for fraud of you leave a known father of the birth certificate and they agree to attend to be added or get someone you known is not the father added. Ultimately at the end of the day the child should know who their father is.

You are completely wrong.

Don’t post made up rubbish to this vulnerable woman.

He is the father so its unreasonable... your feelings do not override the childs rights and he isnt 'yours' or a 'pawn' you can use in your bad relationship.

He clearly want to be on the certificate so if you dont put him on and try to move he is clearly just going to legally order a test, override you and block you from moving anyway and you cant stop him having those legal rights.

Being that you were together for 2.5 years and didn't leave until after your child was born any decent lawyer would highlight it as the first step towards parental alienation. That puts you in hot water legally especially when you yourself have admitted it would benefit you moving abroad

Uh, what the fuck? That's just bollocks. Such absolute bollocks.

(The mother isn’t obligated to invite an unmarried father to attend, not make the appointment at his convenience)

FGS. Your child's birth certificate is not a stick to beat your partner with.

People are calling her partner abusive but there's little in her posts that makes it clear this is the case. If the relationship is abusive then she needs to get out of there asap, of course, but we shouldn't assume this is the case.

leave him off it. If he wants to take you to court over it this is on him.

If you have him on it it means things like you cannot change your child's name without his permisison. It means you cannot take your own child abroad for a holiday without his permission. If you di it is a criminal offence.

It means that he has full access to all medICl and school info.

If he wants to be on it then he has to take the time and spend the money.

@mam0918

He is the father so its unreasonable... your feelings do not override the childs rights and he isnt 'yours' or a 'pawn' you can use in your bad relationship.

He clearly want to be on the certificate so if you dont put him on and try to move he is clearly just going to legally order a test, override you and block you from moving anyway and you cant stop him having those legal rights.

That’s fine though, he has that legal mechanism available to him, so let him use if.

you can only be done for fraud if you name the wrong father knowingly on the BC. It;s a criminal offence.

[quote Cyber27]@Blueroses99 if I said all the things that have happened I think people would call me crazy for not leaving sooner. I think the abuse has been going on for so long that it got normalized in my head. I have tried to leave repeatedly but he has smashed up phones to stop me from communicating with anyone in order to get help. I am saving money so that I can go. He has never laid a hand on my son but that is what I'm worried could happen[/quote]
@Cyber27 pack a bag, bundle up baby and walk out, go to the nearest shop/sympathetic neighbour or police station and phone your parents to get you. You are permitted to travel to leave abusive relationships in lockdown. Go without the bags even, coats on and go when he is in the toilet or asleep, just run. He is not going to improve and everyday with him is another day that he could harm your baby either intentionally or accidentally when he is smashing your stuff.

his ex claims he kidnapped their child, he says otherwise...

I would do everything you can to distance this man, including leaving him off the birth certificate, he sounds dangerous.

I may be wrong but I thought you could be done for fraud of you leave a known father of the birth certificate

Complete and utter rubbish.

I've put the UK Government link in -which has the actual facts in - none married to mother fathers either need to be at the registration, sign a document saying they are teh father and get it handed in at time of the birth or go through courts to get added.

If the above isn't done then even if the father in known he can't be added to the certificate in any case.