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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 05/01/2021 10:17

People who cheat with you will cheat on you.

Misstiffany · 05/01/2021 10:17

@unmarkedbythat

People who cheat with you will cheat on you.
This.
BertramLacey · 05/01/2021 10:25

If it's just a dog, then no.

The dog will be better company, more loyal and more trustworthy than this man.

Dump him OP. He's nasty. The dog is the least of your problems.

LittleTiger007 · 05/01/2021 10:27

Sorry to say that in my experience he will do the same to you, eventually... one day. He has proven he puts his happiness over any loyalty or commitment.

Dontbeme · 05/01/2021 10:29

I grew up around toxic relationships so my benchmark was set pretty low

OP whatever happened in your youth has groomed you to accept how you are being treated now, I was the cheated on partner and my ex told his ow exactly the things that your bf has told you, down to the separate bedrooms nonsense. These guys have a built in radar to search out the vulnerable and will say and do anything to get what they want. This is not a good guy, he is a liar and cheat and sexually abusive, please get away from him today. The fact you go along with things you don't want to do is very worrying, you seem passive and disconnected from yourself, please look into counseling, the freedom project, something and do it today.

DuchessOfDoombar · 05/01/2021 10:31

@Lucieintheskye

Whether he's going back for a shag or not, you sort of deserve the worry, upset, betrayal Smile
So she deserves to be raped and abused @Lucieintheskye? Nice.

Rather than kicking women in abusive relationships or with clear MH issues for Smiles maybe have a look at why doing so makes you feel so superior.

I’ve been cheated on. If I had the same attitude as you to the OW, a cheating partner would be the least of my worries.

dottiedodah · 05/01/2021 10:33

If you dont mind me saying ,you come over a little desperate! Please do not "Do things sexually you normally would not" It is a sure fire way for him to lose respect for you Im afraid.He sounds a bit of a loser TBH. There are honestly lots of nice men around, who would not be like this .

surelynotnever · 05/01/2021 10:38

Absolutely hope so.... Nothing sweeter than the gloating other m/w get done over the same way. Not a single thing sweeter...
But nothing worse than a gloating om/ow "they left them for me.. I must be so much better". Such disgraceful smugness. But the OP will get her just deserts and just remember, we are all here laughing at your expense when it happens

You are a truly damaged human being to say all this. Have you considered therapy to work through your bitterness and hatred? Its clearly eating you from the inside out.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/01/2021 10:41

@Nicolastuffedone
Who knows? A relationship that starts based on lies and deceit is probably never going to be easy......

This totaly
I don't automatically think he has lied or been dishonest with you
Loads of ppl have overlaps at the end of troubled relationships and just because they are men it doesnt automatically mean they are liars
But the problem with anyone in your postion ( male or female) is if he fooled someone before, how can you trust him to be honest with you. And If you dont have trust you will never be happy.
I think there are other more pressuring problems in your relationship though, I am not too sure if its him being to sexually agressive or you being too sexually compliant, but you need to make sure that your wants and needs are not ignored.
I think maybe instead of this relationship you need some counseling to boost your own self esteem.

Bluesheep8 · 05/01/2021 10:54

He’s not a catch no. But I’m lonely and I like having him around

This is not a good enough reason to pursue this, op

ancientgran · 05/01/2021 10:55

You will be slated on here, but only you know what happened. In regard to the dog, yes he probably is just walking the dog! I split with an ex and we had a major battle over the dog. Dogs become part of your life and sometimes it is harder to leave them than the partner. I used to work with someone who split up with her husband and the dog was the thing they couldn't agree on. They used to dognap him from each other's houses. She moved on to another department so I don't know if they ever sorted it out or if it just went on until the dog died. I knew another couple who shared custody of their dog until it died, think it went on for about ten years.

People who aren't dog people don't get it do they.

OrchestraOfWankery · 05/01/2021 11:00

He's anally raping you? This can cause physical damage as well as the immense damage to your mental health and self esteem.

Candyfloss99 · 05/01/2021 11:01

@LanaLielaLie

No, his relationship lasted 9 years. We’ve only been involved for a few months.

I say no to the sex stuff sometimes but he goes for it anyway

So he is basically raping you? This is much worse than him visiting a dog. Much much worse.
BertramLacey · 05/01/2021 11:07

Nothing sweeter than the gloating other m/w get done over the same way. Not a single thing sweeter...

There are hundreds of things that are sweeter. Sunrise on a winter's day. My horse's whinny when he wants his dinner. Heck, I've had cups of tea that have given me more satisfaction.

yahyahs22 · 05/01/2021 11:09

Right, no matter how you feel now, in however long, you will no longer want to be with him. Then you'll look back on all the times you let him call the shots sexually and you'll regret it so much and feel sick with yourself...trust me! Nothing he can give you will give you more pleasure than you telling him to do one. Tell him where he's going wrong so he can try work on his issues then move on. Get to know yourself, stay single and set your standards higher. You were made for a purpose in this world and sexually pleasing a man who I would bet my house is still at the least texting his ex lovey stuff, is not it!

HmmSureJan · 05/01/2021 11:10

Well this is your life now. Constantly wondering and suspecting and terrified her will go back to her. I'm not going to drag you but it is what it is. This is how it is when you cheat.

SATSmadness · 05/01/2021 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TrialOfStyle · 05/01/2021 11:12

He was absolutely cheat on you - whether it's with his ex or with someone new is neither here nor there.

Someone who doesn't respect you enough to not rape you (an actual crime) is going to have no qualms about cheating again.

TrialOfStyle · 05/01/2021 11:14

Nothing sweeter than the gloating other m/w get done over the same way. Not a single thing sweeter...

I really pity people like you who get more enjoyment from others suffering other actually pleasurable pursuits. What a very sad, pathetic life you must lead.

TurquoiseDragon · 05/01/2021 11:15

I don't like kicking people when they're down, and some people here are doing just that. I don't like those who cheat, or OW in general, but I am capable of judging each situation individually and it's not always cut and dried.

It's very clear that the OP is vulnerable and is being abused by this wazzock, and needs support to dump him and to work on herself and her self esteem to find someone better in the future.

OP, you deserve better, and some posters are highlighting where you can find help and support. Because clearly this bloke is not a good man. he's a rapist and abuser, and you need to get clear of him.

Danu2021 · 05/01/2021 11:15

you say you'll never be able to trust him. That will make you unhappy. eND IT for that reason.

Don't willingly embroil yourself in an unnecessary situation just because you're lonely. I"m not dismissing loneliness but you can make yourself feel less inadequate and less lonely if you work at it.

Sideorderofchips · 05/01/2021 11:17

Did you post on here last week saying about how you always ended up in relationships with men who were married?

Danu2021 · 05/01/2021 11:17

Just seen that he's raping you.

Please end this @LanaLielaLie. When you feel stronger and happier and less lonely there would be no way you would tolerate this. Brew

Look after yourself by getting rid of this bastard.

Morgan12 · 05/01/2021 11:18

Jesus christ dump him now. Block him too. Never see or speak to him again. He raped you ffs!

Danu2021 · 05/01/2021 11:20

www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+raise+your+self+esteem

Work your way through all of these videos.

They do help.

I'd also recommend spending the full six hours listening to nathaniel brandon's six pillars of self esteem.

John Bradshaw has a great book about shame and you may think 'shame' what's that got to do with me, but it's all bound up with low self esteem/

please help yourself