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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2021 08:53

How can you be helped into leaving this man?. What do you think your life would look like without him in it?.

Has anyone in your own life ever bothered to ask about you and what you want?. I doubt that very much sadly. This man certainly has not and he is in this with you for getting his own end away. He does not care at all about you and his ex and such types too hate women, all of them.

KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 08:54

He is happy to dump a 9 year partner abd go and re open the wound for her every week to walk the dog???

Honestly, I love my dog but if he is happy to do that to a person his priorities and heart are not in the right place, steer clear.

She may not be anything to him now, but you are not much better off if he is also hurting you to walk a dog.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2021 08:54

I say no to the sex stuff sometimes but he goes for it anyway Shock

You desperately need some self esteem and to start to value yourself. This guy has zero respect for you, he's an abusing, using rapist.

Please look for some online resources to help you, online counselling, case studies of people who've survived abusive relationships etc.
You sound so lonely and down about yourself. I can assure you that this guy is only going to make you feel worse.

Please please please don't see him again, he's not a good person. Please put yourself first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2021 08:55

Giving consent previously was giving consent previously. On the occasion you write about you did not give consent but he went ahead anyway.

Why do you value your own self so little here?. Is this man all you think you at heart deserve?. You probably think that yes it is but you are so very wrong here. Who taught you as well that it is wrong to supposedly disappoint a man?.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time?.

KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 08:57

Sorry OP, that is rape and he already has a lot of control over you if you are consenting to such behaviour while at the same time knowing he cares more about the dog than you.

It is much better to endure a time of loneliness than a life of misery with the wrong person.

Robbybobtail · 05/01/2021 08:58

I say no to the sex stuff sometimes but he goes for it anyway

Yes it’s anal I’m referring to. The other morning I said no and he kept pushing for it and saying he just wanted to spoon. I said it hurt with no lube and I didn’t want to

Wow, he’s sounds vile. Poor thing Op, you sound seriously low and lacking in self esteem. I have a friend who is currently putting up with all kinds of shit from her dh - except she is the wife who has been left for another woman. He is now flip-flopping between the two whilst they both try to be the one to “win” the piece of shit back.
I love my friend but I’ve lost all self-respect for her, I really thought she was more intelligent that that.

Please dump him, no good will come of it I think you know that. A man who pushes someone to have sex with him doesn’t care a bit about that person. Sounds to me like he’s preying on your lack of confidence.

Also, are you sure he left her for you and she didn’t just kick him out? It would be a great way for him to make you feel like you “owe him”?

category12 · 05/01/2021 08:58

As Atilla says, consenting to a sex act once, does not mean you consent forever and always..

You said no, he ignored, that's rape.

Longtimelurker21 · 05/01/2021 08:58

Lucky you huh. You won the pick me dance.
Must be super proud

I wouldnt say shes ‘won’ the pick me dance! More
like fell for his lines until be gets bored again. 🙄

KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 08:59

... and he didn’t left her for you so don’t let this make you feel special or the “chosen one”. He left her because the relationship was over and he us a selfish abusive bastard.

Picktionary · 05/01/2021 08:59

Sorry some posters are being unnecessarily unkind. You must be feeling absoutely awful. I know its not as easy as "getting some self respect". Loneliness is a horrible feeling and I undersand why you're trying to run away from it. I am stuck in a lonely "relationship" and worried about him leaving me too and it making me feel like I am not good enough. Is that the feeling you would have too? I am sorry.

Robbybobtail · 05/01/2021 09:01

And I sort of let him because I didn’t want to disappoint him so I don’t think it was rape

He is massively manipulating/using you. Does he insinuate he’ll leave you if you don’t give in to his demands? What would you say to your friend or daughter if she told you these things?

He’s using you.

Justcallmemamma · 05/01/2021 09:02

Oh sweetie, you need to get away now. It's lockdown so don't see him. Do you have anyone who can help you?

KarmaNoMore · 05/01/2021 09:02

Ps. Use this as a mantra:

“what happened to you doesn’t define define who you are”

The fact you had a bad upbringing doesn’t mean you should continue to screw yourself up in behalf of your childhood history, you have recognised the issue, you know this is not ok, be your best friend and walk away.

StormBaby · 05/01/2021 09:03

Well done, you’ve created a vacancy for another OW!

DuchessOfDoombar · 05/01/2021 09:03

@LanaLielaLie consenting in the past does not mean you have to let him do whatever he wants to you in the future or that if he does it by force that it isn’t a sexual assault.

If you don’t want to think of it in terms of rape think of it like this: a man who is supposed to love and care for you wants to continuously have sex in a way that causes you pain with no concern for you or your well-being.

This is not a good man.

This is not a good relationship.

You can start a million threads on here and tie yourself in as many knots as you want excusing his behaviour but it won’t change the fact that only a few months into a relationship you are unhappy, lonely, insecure and resigned to being treated like a piece of meat.

In your other threads you say that you hate yourself for the way you get into relationships.
But you keep making a choice to do it.
So try to make a different choice now - end this relationship for the sake of the part of you that clearly does want things to change.

You wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t think deep down that you deserved more. You do deserve more.

ReinventingTheSpiel · 05/01/2021 09:05

If you said no and he coerced you into it anyway (if he sulks, gives you the silent treatment or otherwise punishes you if you say no then it's coercive) then it's still rape. He doesn't have to be holding you down and you dont have to be fighting him off for it to be rape. You didn't consent. Something very similar happened to me with my ex and it took a really long time for me to be able to call it what it was.

You deserve so much better than this OP. You deserve to be loved and cherished and respected. Does he ever do anything to make you feel that way?

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 05/01/2021 09:06

Those of you bashing the OP, talking about creating vacancies and being smug should read her actual posts. She doesn’t sound remotely smug or happy. She sounds miserable, trapped, fully aware of what is happening but unable to extract herself because she loves him or he has convinced her that she does. She is in an abusive relationship.

GreenlandTheMovie · 05/01/2021 09:08

This reply has been deleted

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BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 05/01/2021 09:10

OP, I don’t know (or care) how the relationship came about. I don’t care about the dog walking. I don’t care about the ‘overlap’ but you are being abused now. There are an abundance of red flags in your posts. If things are this bad and there are this many alarm bells ringing only a few months in, you should be seriously planning how to extricate yourself before you are in any deeper.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 05/01/2021 09:12

@GreenlandTheMovie, read on. The poster then goes on to elaborate on that and it turns out that means that her abusive boyfriend anally rapes her because she consented once and he took that as green light to keep doing it, even when she said she didn’t want to.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 05/01/2021 09:12

Fucks sake

inappropriateraspberry · 05/01/2021 09:13

It IS rape.
If I had a cup of tea yesterday, it doesn't mean I automatically want today. If I am offered a cup of tea but refuse, I should not be forced to drink one, even though I had a cup yesterday.
No is no.

AlohaLola · 05/01/2021 09:14

You’ve done his ex as favour- she gets rid of this loser and now you have to deal with a liar and a scumbag.

blueangel19 · 05/01/2021 09:14

You need to take responsibility. Love yourself and do not do anything to please someone when you are not into that kind of sex. Do not worry about it anymore and move on. Be brave. He of course will get back to her ex or find someone new but that should not be your problem anymore.