He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

Marisa Peer has a very good basic helpful message as well. Look her up on youtube.

Jeez, there are some seriously horrible replies on here. This is the relationships board, not AIBU!!!!!!

OP, you crossed the line when you became 'the other woman' but you have the power to change this situation and your life.

This scumbag rapist has zero respect for you. It's up to you to have respect for yourself. Irrespective of how much you'll miss him/you're lonely or whatever, you will NEVER get what you need/want/deserve from this man.

He's a rapist. A low life abusing rapist. It doesn't matter that you said yes last week or 2 hours ago. You said NO that time.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. And also speak to your GP with a view to being referred for counselling to address your low self esteem/low self worth.

The power is with you to make positive changes to your life. Make today the first day where you say 'I am worth more' and disengage from this foul, abusive rapist.

You can do it

No flaming, but “we’ve been sleeping in separate beds for months” and “really unhappy” are the oldest lines in the book.
Have some respect for yourself. Games are only fun until someone is hurt, and that seems to be his ex and you currently! You won’t ‘win’. Don’t degrade yourself.

[quote louise4745]@FippertyGibbett your assuming his ex would go there again after he cheated. Would you?[/quote]
No I wouldn’t, but I’ve been on here long enough to realise that they do.

He will ditch you for someone else very soon. You know that. But it's OK because he'll probably come back occasionally for sex. You can settle and accept this (also known as wasting your life on a cheating user). Or you can take some control and end it now.
I get the impression that a part of you secretly loves the drama so I know which option I'd bet on.

Please don't stay in a relationship that relies on you being anally raped to succeed. There is more to.life than having a man in it

[quote DuchessOfDoombar]@GreenlandTheMovie have you really just told a woman who is being sexually assaulted and coerced in a relationship that she’s bragging about sexual trickery?

Your comment is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself - disguising misogyny and victim blaming as moral outrage isn’t the superior move you think it is.[/quote]
Actually, you're right. It was a horrible comment by me. I didn't actually read beyond the comment that I quoted, where the OP seemed to be gloating that the man had left his girlfriend for her. Having read it now, I'm horrified by the whole thing. I'm still horrified that the OP thinks that the leaving the girlfriend for her somehow makes it worthwhile putting up with his awful behaviour.

I'm really shocked at how the OP is trying to justify what he has done, rather than challenging it or reporting it to the police.

But this man clearly knows who to target - he has picked someone out who will put up with him. I don't think the OP is fully internalising that there is a big problem with this man, that most women wouldn't want him and that he is very damaged and beyond redemption.

@Danu2021

www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+raise+your+self+esteem

Work your way through all of these videos.

They do help.

I'd also recommend spending the full six hours listening to nathaniel brandon's six pillars of self esteem.

John Bradshaw has a great book about shame and you may think 'shame' what's that got to do with me, but it's all bound up with low self esteem/

please help yourself

You need to kick the negative people out of your life, and start filling your world with words and thoughts and people that build you up. Look at the links @Danu2021 has posted above. Start choosing better for yourself in lots of small ways. You are worth much more.

Get rid of this loser, and honestly consider a break from MN too because it is not a safe place when you are emotionally self-harming.

When I’m in a bad place, throwing myself into a project can help a lot - even something as mundane as decluttering the attic or painting my bedroom. And there are some lovely, supportive online communities if you need that kind of virtual connection.

Don’t rush into another relationship. Instead start a love affair with yourself. Buy yourself flowers and small treats, pay yourself compliments, dress for comfort and sensual pleasure, indulge yourself, take care of yourself. I know this sounds bonkers but it was something I did when I was single and it will raise your standards like nothing else because each man you meet will have a high standard to live up to.

OP he is an abusive manipulative rapist. Please dump him and get some counselling to work on your self-esteem.

Some of the posters on here - you should be really ashamed of yourselves.

Ant McPartlin split up with his wife of 11 years and still goes to see their dog. He just got engaged to to woman he left wife for. Sometimes it works . Sometimes it doesn’t .

He is hurting you, OP. He doesn't care that it hurts you. And yes, sounds like he will go back to her.

End it and find someone who doesn't get off on hurting you.

End this relationship and get into counselling op .

He had two women.
He now has two women screaming pick me.
He lives with mummy (washing, ironing, cooking sorted) and then gets his leg over with either woman - not picky.
He leaves when either woman wants more.

Probably boasts about it too.
He doesn’t respect you... nor do you.

@lanalielalie No judgement here. We just want you to be safe and away from someone who is clearly hurting and abusing you. Please dump him. Now before he hurts you any more. Even if your past has been one that has unhealthy relationships as an example it doesn't define who you are now. Yes you are lonely but what about your future? Do you honestly see any future with an abusive rapist who cheats on you and his other girlfriend. Honestly the best thing you can do for yourself is to get rid of him once and for all.

I'm someone who has recently fallen in love with someone else. My relationship really was dead. 2 years of no sex, kissing, sharing a bed. Conversations were dead. We were moaning constantly.on different schedules and got used to doing our won thing. We at best watched EastEnders and patented our young kids.

I've told my partner twice now that I no longer feel that way and we are just friends now. But I think he's still hoping I'll change my mind.

I'm in love with and talking to someone else. But we've not even kissed and won't until things are 100% clear and sorted. Because whilst I know I sound bad I know I am not one to play games. My feelings are real. They've happened. They have happened because I'm miserable and lonely in a relationship sense. I miss being intimate. Laughing. Kissing. Making plans. Going out. Talking. Family days. So yeah I've wondered to another man who has time for me. He's patient. He says he's not going nowhere. He's always said I need to completely finish things here too.

I'll always care for my children's dad. He's provided. Supported. Loved us and I have him in return. I'll also always see him due to our kids. But to spend the next few years faking it for the kids would probably do more damage than good.

Adults have baggage. It's complicated. But if you don't trust him then it won't work. There's always an ex or a child or a house when you get past 30 especially.

Just wanted to share my view because I'm not lying about our home life so nobody can presume he is.

I’m at work so haven’t had chance to read all of the replies. Apologies that my post was confusing. He was the one who decided we should take it slow, because then it’s less likely to go wrong he said. His ex doesn’t know he cheated, he left and she seems happy to be sharing the dog with him. I’m not sure whether she’s wanting him back or not but I assume so given how reasonable she’s being. He walked the dog this morning and I replied saying “oh right” because he hadn’t told me he was planning on going round there. He sent a snappy text saying don’t worry he’s going straight back to his mums and I didn’t reply.

I like spending time with him and I enjoy the companionship. But this isnt the person I imagined myself with long term. And a side note but also one that bothers me is that he needs prompting to clean his teeth. He’s slept at mine on several occasions and I’ve seen him brush his teeth once . I’ve cooked and cleaned his clothes etc and he actually complained when I asked him to get me a glass of water.

I've read some of your replies and it sounds like he's not good for you though. Sounds awful.

I feel like I have to keep him happy so that he doesn’t go back to his ex. He’s already ended it once and I’m worried he’ll do it again. My heads a mess

@Loveheartsweet none of your situation is relevant to the OP. It's clear that she's vulnerable and being abused in the worst kind of way by a nasty piece of work.

It's not a relationship, he's using and abusing her, she needs help freeing herself from him.

I’m a mental health professional - I should know better than this. Unfortunately I can’t apply the same logic and rationality to my own life.

Jesus love. Have sone self respect and walk away

I feel like I have to keep him happy so that he doesn’t go back to his ex. He’s already ended it once and I’m worried he’ll do it again

Why are you worried? You should be glad to see the back of him. Have a good think about what he actually brings to your life.

Why do you feel you have to keep him happy when he disrespects you?

You know you should dump him, so do it for your mental health’s sake.

@LanaLielaLie

I feel like I have to keep him happy so that he doesn’t go back to his ex. He’s already ended it once and I’m worried he’ll do it again. My heads a mess

He will do it again. He will dump you, contact you to use you for sex and then dump you again, repeatedly, because he knows you will let him, and because most people wouldn't want him. He won't respect you because you've never stood up to him and just let him treat you like shit.

Your thread title is a bit weird. I can get that you're trying to make yourself feel better, but justifying cheating isn't the way to do it.

@Clarice99

Jeez, there are some seriously horrible replies on here. This is the relationships board, not AIBU!!!!!!

OP, you crossed the line when you became 'the other woman' but you have the power to change this situation and your life.

This scumbag rapist has zero respect for you. It's up to you to have respect for yourself. Irrespective of how much you'll miss him/you're lonely or whatever, you will NEVER get what you need/want/deserve from this man.

He's a rapist. A low life abusing rapist. It doesn't matter that you said yes last week or 2 hours ago. You said NO that time.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. And also speak to your GP with a view to being referred for counselling to address your low self esteem/low self worth.

The power is with you to make positive changes to your life. Make today the first day where you say 'I am worth more' and disengage from this foul, abusive rapist.

You can do it

Agree with all of this. Please don't continue in this relationship.