He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

He doesn't HAVE nice qualities, he is able to ACT nice to manipulate you.

You ARE worth more, even on the days when you don't believe that.

You are at risk of faecal incontinence when the sphincter muscles are damaged,. As you are a MH nurse you show evidence of having exceptionally low boundaries of acceptable human behaviour. You are not alone in this, I also know of psychiatrists who have very warped relationships. It does affect your Dd, it is delusional to think it doesn't.

Unfortunately the level of dysfunction that must exist before social services intervention is set to high. The other posters who have pointed out that your relationship meets this criteria are correct.

Child abuse is said to be occuring not only if they themselves are victims of rape or sexual coercion but when they hear it, witness it or are in a toxic environment where this is happening to someone they know.

You have no idea what your Dd has heard through the walls or through the doors, in the bedroom or in the bathroom, on the phone or in the hallway.

She won't tell you how scared she is for you because young children internalise fear.

You are absolutely deluded if you think you can carry on a relationship with a man that upsets and hurts her mummy so badly and brings him into her safe space her home.

It is utterly dispicably selfish behaviour on your behalf op but I feel sorry for you because you are so badly damaged yourself you have no idea what damage you are doing to yourself and your dd.

You will probably keep taking him back because your needs for warped attention and sex exceed those for self help and safe boundaries for your dd.

If these hard hitting posts actually help you to stay away from him permanently op then we have succeeded.

But I don't have any allusions.

Op, how about trying to be the best role model of a great mum you can possibly be to your dd as your primary goal for now and take a break from relationships from men while you work on this?

Good luck as you have brought your dd into the world and it is your duty to give her a safe, happy, nurturing and emotionally loving environment that you didn't have yourself.

Create it for yourself and your dd please, it's not too late

I do need to work on being a good role model my daughter, I know I do. I have been incredibly selfish by allowing this repeated cycle of behaviour take over everything else in my life. I've let men completely bulldoze my life to the point where my thoughts revolve around them and there's no room for anything else.

His nice qualities are an act. I don't believe they're real. I can't actually think of anything nice other than the way he treated me towards the end where he was trying to win me back over.

I'm off today and have received roses with a note declaring his love for me and that I've changed his life, and that he wants to be a better person for me. He's unhinged isn't he?

His "nice qualities" are a facade to wear you down. He was already starting to control you by making you delete male contacts, accusing you of contacting people and then your friend's comment making him really angry. If you are silly enough to take him back again, be very alert to him isolating you from your friends. It will be phrased as I love you so much I want to spend time with just the two of us. Once he has you isolated his true self will come out. You're already seeing the masks. The tears, the protestations of love, the anger when you stick to your guns. The anger will get worse if he manages to isolate you.

I've let men completely bulldoze my life to the point where my thoughts revolve around them and there's no room for anything else.

And how are you going to go about working on that, fixing that?

'm off today and have received roses with a note declaring his love for me and that I've changed his life, and that he wants to be a better person for me. He's unhinged isn't he?

Does it matter? Why wonder? Think about your DD instead of him. Every time you wonder about him, start thinking about your DD. Conjure the biggest bin liner your brain possibly can and put thoughts of him in it.... and the roses. Really, put those outside in a bin, note and all. Flowers are nice. Not his. His are warped and manipulative and every time you look at them, you'll doubt yourself. Bin the flowers. Have some well-meaning MN ones instead.
Seriously, every time he pops into your head, visualise your DD. Concentrate on where your heart really needs to be.

I agree he doesnt matter - you yourself have said that you let men in to the point where there is nothing else. You need to fix that in yourself and then focus on your daughter - who loves you

@ivfbeenbusy 🤣 I have heard this before, not personally thankgod, I've had enough go on. But I know someone who was seeing someone who was still living with his partner, and kids, and although I do know they were definitely what you would call exes at one clear point. He had said that he was up in the loft or extension or wherever, and I said would it matter whether he says that or not, you still wouldn't know for sure.
I know that one thing doesn't end quite often, before the next thing starts, and the person who is in between with the two people, is the biggest one to blame, but also the new person needs to be mindful and if you engage in that life, just what might happen to you in the future.

Refuse deliveries from now on. I did that when my ex thought flowers and gifts would win me back. If you haven't ordered something yourself, refuse delivery at the door.

Block him on all platforms. All of them.

I've let men completely bulldoze my life to the point where my thoughts revolve around them and there's no room for anything else.

Considering you're now a mother this is terrifying. When you think of him, visualise your daughter. How can you let an aggressive, unhinged, rapist in her orbit? You can't. So don't.

Book counselling. You can have some over Skype. Due to your line of work you may have access to some free / fast track sessions.

You could do ALL of those things today. So will you?

@LanaLielaLie

I do need to work on being a good role model my daughter, I know I do. I have been incredibly selfish by allowing this repeated cycle of behaviour take over everything else in my life. I've let men completely bulldoze my life to the point where my thoughts revolve around them and there's no room for anything else.

His nice qualities are an act. I don't believe they're real. I can't actually think of anything nice other than the way he treated me towards the end where he was trying to win me back over.

I'm off today and have received roses with a note declaring his love for me and that I've changed his life, and that he wants to be a better person for me. He's unhinged isn't he?

You've let him become a priority above your child. You know it needs to change. Bin the roses, block him and book counselling, today. No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for yourself. Take control of the situation once and for all, if you don't want to lose your DD.

Well done OP.

Yes, he is unhinged. Throw the roses away and block him. Your mistake is engaging with him.

Thing is when he had you he treated you like absolute crap. So clearly you weren't his world then. So the words he is saying sadly have absolutely no meaning because he doesn't have the actions to back it up. If he didn't treat you well before he's not going to now. Your mental health is worth more and in the long run you will be happy.

I went through a series of bad relationships one after another and I always believed they were the one and I would be miserable alone.

But circumstances meant I had to be alone for a bit... and I loved it, it wasn't the misery fest I thought it was going to be. And when I did find a good person to share my life with I wasn't needy because I knew the alternative wasn't hell.

You have done the right thing stick at it and you will see.

I do need to work on being a good role model my daughter, I know I do. I have been incredibly selfish by allowing this repeated cycle of behaviour take over everything else in my life. I've let men completely bulldoze my life to the point where my thoughts revolve around them and there's no room for anything else.

Focus on this. This is how you stay strong. Focus on the life you want for your daughter, the home you want for her. You want perhaps, in time, a wonderful kind man who will treat her as his own and give you the love and companionship you crave.
This man can't provide that. He never could.

New to the thread and just wanted to say well done for getting him out physically. Now you NEED to get him out mentally. What would you advise a patient who had obsessive thoughts like you do about this guy (and relationships generally by your own account)? Are you getting your counselling soon?

I understand that you are CRAVING affectjon (the semblance of it) like an addict craves drugs and you probably feel terrible urges to do whatever it takes to get it. You recognise this as sickness. This is a great step. Now you need to be the organised woman you are and sit down to write a plan for your own recovery. Do it alone because if you involve someone else you can lie to yourself later that it was their idea.

You CAN beat this addition and the horrible sickening things that come with it for you and your family.

I’ve done it. I’ve blocked him on everything after receiving horrible messages from him, trying to manipulate and guilt trip me into letting him back in. I can see straight through him and it actually repulses me. I feel terrified about what’s to come in terms of facing my issues and working on myself but I want to get better for my daughter and myself. I really do. That’s all I need to keep reminding myself of isn’t it?

"That’s all I need to keep reminding myself of isn’t it?"
Yes OP! That's it. You can only get better without this chaos and abuse in your life, and without this chaos and abuse in your life, things WILL get better. Good luck, keep posting here if it helps!

He turned up last night insisting that I went outside for two minutes. I said no, and that it’s over, so please leave. He said no and that he knows I want him. I was laid in bed frozen to the spot just hoping that he’s go but I could hear his engine running for a while. I said I would call the police if he didn’t go so he finally did. I’m terrified that he’s going to turn up again. My daughter is coming back this weekend and I never want to see his face again.

Stay strong OP. His behaviour is truly awful, and last night just proves how abusive he is. Do not hesitate to call the police if he comes back!

Have you got a male relative or friend that could stay with you for a while.
He is taking no notice of you and intimidating you. Phone the police if he will not stop, you have given him fair warning.
Take back your own mind, you realise he is controlling and any action you use to keep him away is justifiable.

This is worrying for you and your daughter.

Well done for realising he is a using bastard.

If he turns up again don't just threaten the police. Call them. Seriously.

Call 101 to ask their advice before your daughter comes back this weekend. Then you will know how to deal with whatever happens and that knowledge will make you less likely to panic and more likely to feel in control of the situation. Will you do that today?

Well done OP. That must have been scary - you handled it perfectly. Don't give him any oxygen. He will give up...honestly. Stay strong - he will get the message. You sound like you have found the strength to put yourself and your daughter first.

Great progress, OP.

Can you write a large note for yourself just reminding you of his shittiest qualities, so that you have a ready reference any time you may be weakening?

Well done stay strong x

Have you put anything in place today to practically and pragmatically prepare for any trouble he may attempt to cause when your little girl is home in a couple of days?

Can you call 101? Explain the situation, explain you are frightened he may come back when she is there and you would like their advice on how best to keep safe?

Isn't your little girl worth at least asking the authorities instead of mumsnet what best to do?

I'm honestly not saying that to be nasty to you, I'm saying it because what mumsnet has said to you collectively thus far has resulted in him getting back into your home and headspace repeatedly so that tactic isn't working.

Proper channels such as the police or SS can provide real support to help you be prepared if he shows up again. I can't understand, if you haven't yet, why you wouldn't want to ask them for a suggested plan of action for you to follow?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I understand that you're doubting my ability to stick to my guns and keep him out of my home and mind, but this time I'm more determined than I've ever been before. Over the past 24 hours, I've been open and honest about the reality of the relationship with all of my closest friends, and also my brother, so if he was to try and worm his way back in then they're well and truly on guard.

If he was to turn up from Friday onwards when DD is here then I would simply call the police as well as my brother who lives close by, and it would be sorted immediately. There's nothing the police or authorities can do as a preventative measure.

It's taken some time but I'm finally at the stage where there's no way in HELL that I would let him back. He repulses me and I don't wish to ever lay eyes on him again.