He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

Mental health and vulnerabilities aren’t about pulling big girl pants on
Go read about actual mental health,familiarise yourself with issues
Bit less Oprah, and a bit more book reading

Bit less Oprah, and a bit more book reading

Maybe OP should listen to Oprah more considering all the sexual abuse she suffered throughout her life.

@LanaLielaLie

Gypsy I can assure you that the patients I treat are at no risk whatsoever due to my personal life and choices.

I couldn't agree more

Sorry I'm agreeing with gypsy

Do you miss your daughter?

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Mental health and vulnerabilities aren’t about pulling big girl pants on Go read about actual mental health,familiarise yourself with issues Bit less Oprah, and a bit more book reading

I’m very aware about mental health thanks! Just trying to jolly op on to see she can do this for her and her daughter!

@slashlover

I’m worried that he’s going to try to convince me to let him stay. How do I stay strong?

OP, read what you wrote before

Yes, my daughter is safe. Until I sort this she will be with her dad.

You currently do not have your DD with you as you are essentially picking a rapist over her. You've said before that you don't think you're worth it and cling to any scrap of affection so do it for your daughter.

I hope this message sinks in. Stay strong op.

Op doesn’t need a jolly on. Or big pants. Or hectored

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op doesn’t need a jolly on. Or big pants. Or hectored

How is it bullying??? I’m just trying to help and offer advice

I am genuinely confused why you are faffing about with a man when your daughter is elsewhere?

@Catty1720 telling someone with impaired decision making and low self esteem to Put your big girl knickers on and get rid of this man once and for all!!!! Enough is enough really that’s
is all about you, you feeling you’re so smart and empowering. Telling it how it is. Knickers and all
You then explained you’re trying to jolly her on?

It’s this notion that a stern talking to, that’ll do it
It is So flawed
catchphrases and common sense maxims do not solve deep embedded problems

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee not at all I’m not trying to be smart or empowering I think your being quite rude to suggest that.
I’ve followed this thread from the beginning and offered a lot of advice I’m only trying to help op see she is stronger than she thinks and if she thinks about her little girl she can she just needs to stay strong!! You’ve taken it as me being nasty I would never try and play smart with such a vulnerable worrying situation! Big girl pants to me was always an endearing way of saying you need to toughen up which to me can sound abit harsh.

Oh I see you think put on big girl pants to deal with a crisis is endearing
Faux naïveté really isn’t an appealing quality.
You think I’m rude?I think you're like a game show host shouting out random phrases. Ps it’s not endearing. At all

OP, please have more therapy to examine why you are drawn to abuse, danger and coercion.

*This brute sexually assaulted you anally and you thought he’d damaged you. He didn’t care that you said NO, there was no lube, and it was painful. He is already mentioning anal again and you’re worrying about disappointing him.

*Now that you’ve let him back in, he has coerced you into deleting a male colleague and accused you of messaging others. More abusive control.

*When he pressed as to why you were quiet, you felt compelled to divulge your friend’s advice when you should have kept that between her and yourself. She gave you her honesty/loyalty and now she is the target of his anger. Didn’t you foresee that?

You brought a sexual/emotional abuser into your child’s home. You took back this dominator who stomps all over your boundaries. You are fooling yourself that he cares about you. You are fooling yourself that you can be a competent mother and mental health professional when you are in a constant traumatized state.

You have now ended things again, but he will soon attempt to hoover and manipulate you. Please seek psychological help.

No need to get personal! I was just trying to help just because it’s got your back up doesn’t mean you have to be so angry about it. If you disagreed that’s fair enough op can chose to ignore it if she feels the same!

Yes, sadly @OhCaptain.

Well done for coming back OP. You clearly think this isn't right for you. Try and stay strong. This guy is a master manipulator. If all is good and it suits you...for now - fine. But hold on to the fact he is toxic and not a good long term option. I hope you've been ok tonight.

I think the cycle will repeat
You either dump him and stick to it or let your daughter grow up thinking your relationship is normal and what she should expect. You know it's not - you know you need help- get it.

My back is not up in the least catty. It’s not all about you

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

My back is not up in the least catty. It’s not all about you

How am I making this about me?Seriously I’m trying to help op as I’ve followed this thread from the start I have offered advice from the start I don’t care you didn’t like my advice now enough!

I don't think anyone on MN can help you if you aren't committed to helping yourself, but just in case I'm wrong...

You need to put your daughter first. You know this man isn't good for you or her. Having him in your life will only create chaos and disrupt her life. She doesn't deserve that.

If you can't seem to stop letting him slither back, you need to find someone in real life who can help you do it. Do this for your daughter's sake, if not your own. Picture your daughter in your place. Do for yourself what you'd want her to do to protect and value herself. Otherwise, you're modelling unhealthy behaviours that she will pick up, to some degree.

He sounds familiar.
Does his name begin with A and the dogs' with a B and both names rhyme with each other?

Hi @LanaLielaLie , my first time to your thread as I've been off the board for several months, otherwise I would've responded before.

In my experience, I got a lot of self esteem from asserting my self worth to myself with my actions. It's only last year I started to do it. I dumped a wrong'un and it gave me such a boost, I also stopped putting up with shit / blocked some other dodgy or unpleasant people.

So if you don't have self esteem, one way of getting some can be to think how you would act if you had self esteem. I don't mean in a 'fake it till you make it' way, I mean that it's something you get from acting on the principle that you deserve to be treated well etc.

I got a lot of inspiration from reading this board.

So, go for it this time and don't let him back in. Block him, and if he turns up call the police.

I think you should get someone else to be around if you can't avoid some final interaction with him about possessions or anything. He is violent and not safe to be around on your own.

Well done OP for coming back on here to seek advice. I hope you find some of the comments helpful and empowering.

What would be your ideal solution to this problem? Him leaving of his own accord? You feeling strong enough to ditch him once and for all? Somebody else being with you when you tell him to leave? How do you see this playing out?

And most importantly, do you actually want to split up with him? It sounds like you want to split when you're alone and thinking rationally. But then when you're with him you don't want to disappoint him.
It's time to make a decision. I hope for your sake and your daughter's that you make the right one.

OP, you have repeatedly just popped up and announced that you've let him back in. How does this happen? (Late night texting, running into him in person, him showing up?) Is it the same every time?

If you're serious about taking care of yourself (and your daughter, as all this drama will affect her if only indirectly), you need to find a way to short circuit this pattern.

@LanaLielaLie

I know it must seem crazy to believe, but I’m actually very competent in my work. I would never let my personal affect patients I treat

I can't see how this is remotely true.

If you have no boundaries and can't identify what is right or wrong in a person's behaviour and then act appropriately, how can you POSSIBLY support others who have MH issues to make safe choices.