He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP I really strongly recommend you do the Freedom Programme. You can do it online if you can't find it locally
good luck

Your boyfriend is a liar and they always eave you in the same way.

If you have no boundaries and can't identify what is right or wrong in a person's behaviour and then act appropriately, how can you POSSIBLY support others who have MH issues to make safe choices.

@FourDecades It's 'easy' to give people good advice/encouragement. I'm sure OP would tell anyone else to end this situation, and gives patients whatever professional treatment her role requires.

It's less easy to sort out a situation when you're on the inside, especially with an abusive man (which this bloke is.)

But that doesn't mean she wouldn't know what to tell anyone else in the same situation.

Being in an abusive relationship can theoretically happen to anyone, and we know it can be difficult to leave.

Having found herself in an abusive relationship doesn't mean the victim is incompetent, professionally or in any other way.

Oh and @LanaLielaLie PP's are right in recommending the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ You can do it online or find your local group, which I recommend. Meeting like-minded women will make you less reliant on this guy. Freedom are doing a lot of groups, courses etc via Zoom and it works really well.

I would imagine op is good at her job and she can identify this is wrong. She knows his behaviour is wrong and it’s abuse but it’s one thing knowing and another accepting because he will always win her around until she finds the strength to stop it. It’s so easy to say I’d never be treated like that or why can’t you just walk away but it’s never ever that simple you can give endless advice but ultimately people can only help themselves which is why it’s so hard to walk away from abusers.

I’ve fallen for it, and can’t tell whether he’s being genuine or not. He’s all of a sudden attentive and loving, complimenting me all the time, telling me how much he loves me. When we’re together, it’s really nice and I actually enjoy my time with him.

Of course he isn't being genuine, OP, and you know that anyway, don't you? There's no way he's had a miraculous character transplant overnight.

He's abusive op. You are in an abusive relationship. Pack his crap and dump it at the end of your driveway.

Change the locks, add an extra chain lock and block him.

God! He's utterly vile, and you know it. I've been with an abuser (though he never forced things like you describe on me) and it took me 4 years to escape, please don't let him anywhere near you! The only way I did it was to move in with a friend who had a large dog - and leave in him in my house with me paying all the bills. It still took months for him to believe I meant it.

You have a child and don't have four years to waste on this pig. Please don't let things progress any more - be strong! Good luck!

When we’re together, it’s really nice and I actually enjoy my time with him.

You probably enjoy time with your daughter when you're able to see her, which will be a lot less frequently if you life with a sexually abusive bully who has forced you to have painful, anal sex and continues to police your friendships and social media connections even on 'best behaviour.'

So maybe prioritise future nice times with your daughter over future nice times with an abusive cunt.

I'm sorry that sounds harsh but she is your child. She should be your priority. You're bringing a man into her orbit who you have no financial, marital or parental ties to. Stop.

@LanaLielaLie

I didn’t go to my GP because the problem sorted itself. I don’t feel as though I’m in an abusive relationship. Am I that deluded?

Clearly.

My dad always said, "If someone will do something WITH you, they will do the same thing TO you." And you're trying to hold on to something that you are evidently not really that enthusiastic about, simply for something to do.

Time to re-evaluate yourself, Darlin Girl. You could be, can be, and should be worth more than this. If it is possible, get some qualified assistance with this. Time to become your own best friend.

I will tell you this without doubt...until you are really happy with yourself, and fulfilled in and of yourself, you will never be happy with anyone else.

Don’t blame you at all for feeling confused by this man, he does not play the game with open cards.

You are on the right track calling his controlling behaviour out, however he is always going to keep on trying to get back control by turning on the charm, only to expect to have his way again after he has worn you down. He is already trying to wear you down about anal sex. He has zero respect for your wishes.

Don’t beat yourself up about wavering and agreeing to let him in to talk when he refuses to listen to you calling the relationship off. Just learn from it, that when you tell him what you want, he doesn’t necessarily respect your wishes at all, he only sees that as a challenge.

It doesn’t matter if you waver with breaking up- many people have difficulty ending relationships, let alone with a controling man like him.
You have the right to determine how you prefer sex, and when or if you want to see him.

If you need, time take all the time you need, tell a trusted friend and get support if you need to take back control of your social media, your body and your life.

Don’t feel bad or guilty if you have agreed to see him and change your mind and then find that you really do want to get out of this relationship.

You get to determine when and how you will close the door on him, at any point you wish.

Understandable that you feel sad about what you thought you had with him. it’s great you can reach out to others to get clearer perspective on what you actually have with him and the controling abusive person that he is.

This shit man will no doubt go on to try to control his ex and other woman, it is his pattern and he thinks he is quite justified to play his cards that way.

@LanaLielaLie I just wanted to wish you all the best for the future. I hope you will break free of this horrible man.

I hope you will get some therapy and get the right perspective.

You are worth more than a cheating man who pushes you into things you do not want to do.

You really are worth more than this and in order to keep your daughter safe you need to keep this kind of man out of your life.

Thanks for tagging me in though I don't take any joy in it @OhCaptain

Seek some help for your low self esteem OP ...you've clearly got opportunities with fellow professionals. I think you are brave for coming back and telling us what happened. It sounds like he's won you over but is now returning to type. The anal sex requests will undoubtedly follow. I hope your physical pain is improving but it acts as a reminder if the abuse he has inflicted on you.

Did he collect his things and leave?

God luck OP,.

Hope your ok @LanaLielaLie did he collect his stuff??

I can't see how this is remotely true. If you have no boundaries and can't identify what is right or wrong in a person's behaviour and then act appropriately, how can you POSSIBLY support others who have MH issues to make safe choices.

I'm slowly coming to the opinion that posting about deeply personal problems on Mumsnet can be extremely damaging in and of itself. Some posters clearly take pleasure from attacking others when they are vulnerable. And are so sure of how right they are when they clearly do not have a single clue.

I posted recently about a relationship I was having trouble extricating myself from, OP. Along came posters to tell me I needed to do the Freedom Programme. Actually I am trained to deliver and facillitate the FP as I worked in domestic abuse service provision for years as both a refuge and floating support worker (I no longer work in the field.) Not only that, but I had such a good reputation I was head hunted for another, more specialist position supporting women in more specifically difficult circumstances.

The incredulity and outrage that followed!! How could I possibly consider myself ever having been fit to work in DA support if I struggled with my own boundaries??? Honestly, it's like some posters live in never never land. Do they really imagine that all professionals working in these fields are perfectly sorted themselves, and that they have to be to be effective?

I remember just shaking my head in disbelief. When I worked for Women's Aid, the workers there pretty much represented any other cross section of women. A few were in healthy relationships, and some were not. Some were even in abusive relationships and struggling to break free. For exactly the same reasons any other women might struggle to break free! I know! Crazy! Somehow we all still managed to do the jobs we were trained to do effectively.

Lots of doctors and nurses smoke. Does Mumsnet know that? And yet they go around giving health advice, looking after people.... Clearly they need to educate themselves - do they not realise smoking is unhealthy?

Mental health is drawn from a cross section of society and as a result the same emotions and tribulations are enacted
Add to that the stress,the hours,the demands of job it’s no wonder there are some dysfunctional behaviour
Anecdotally I’ve met staff drawn to psychiatry and mental health because they’ve experienced family loss or ill health. That experience has had a profound effect and shaped them

Mental health workers,psychiatrists,psychologist, social workers are very good at compartmentalising and are adept at presenting a work persona and performing work role when experiencing their own distress.

Ignore the posters who just want to go on the attack, LanaLielaLie. They have their own issues.

You're not deluded, you're just struggling. It can be incredibly confusing and distressing trying to pick out and acknowledge the abusive elements of a relationship from a wider context of not always abusive/good enough. The problem with the abusive behaviours that you have described though, is that they permeate and poison the whole relationship. So even when he's being "nice", the relationship is still damaging.

What's happening to you isn't your fault. And it isn't a question of you "getting some self respect" either. He would be an abusive person however you felt about you. You don't cause him to behave like this - it is who he is.

Some responses on the thread have been cruel,attacking and just shout outs of inane catch phrases
Easy to #MentalHealth and head tilt whilst being conspicuously supportive because it makes you look good. Whilst,being wilfully ignorant of actual mental health and engage in a pile on about a vulnerable woman

@ChippyPickledEggs I got similar comments to those OP has received on a thread I made, it was upsetting. To suggest women in abusive relationships are incapable vocationally in some roles is really problematic.

Look at all of us giving advice on the threads- I bet most of us don't have perfect lives/relationships but it doesn't mean we aren't able to give advice/support to someone else. Everyone is dealing with a situation of some kind or another in their lives most of the time.

Women in abusive relationships can benefit more from hearing how competent they are (and yes, they are) as that gives them more confidence to get out of it.

@LanaLielaLie Several times you have done something to fight your corner- you push him away etc, you answer him back. That's great, it shows you can do it, you can and will stop being involved with him.

Being in an abusive relationship at some point in your life is pretty normal. Physical violence (in a study which I don't think included all sexual violence as physical violence, so that'd make it even more) happens to 1 in 3 women from partners in their lives at some stage. Other forms of abuse will be even more common- verbal, emotional etc.

Low self-esteem among women is also common.

@LanaLielaLie One of the tricks I found was to not need people so much to be happy. Friends/other people are important and are a bonus but I don't need someone/a man in order for my life to be bearable, I can make my own entertainment and enjoy my own activities. Which isn't to say you shouldn't reach out to others, I just mean you don't need him, you don't need people that hurt you. x

Sorry some people are being cruel.
Even if you are not genuinely someone else will be in exactly the same position as you and reading this and thinking “no one will believe me”.
He is a dick, and abusive dick and you need to leave and spend time with your daughter.
It is completely possible to be someone different in work and home, that is the nature of abuse.

Please get the locks changed today. Tell your work colleagues in real life, that you need support for him to not come back. Have you a single friend you can bubble with and ask to stay tonight? To stop you letting him back?

I needed time away from here because I went into a severe spiral of anxiety after the comments were made about my daughter. I grew up in an abusive, volatile home, with parents whose love affection I had to work really hard for. I’ve admittedly made some terrible decisions due to my low self-esteem but to read that I’m choosing him over her makes me feel physically sick.

My daughter is with her dad, not because I’m too unwell to take care of her, but because I’m a nurse and her dad works from home, so is better equipped to take care of her and homeschool her. I usually have her at the weekends but this weekend I’ve felt too unwell to have her so I asked him for some more time. My priority is and always has been her.

I know this man has been depicted (by myself) as a complete monster, but believe me when I say that my daughter does not witness ANY of the damage that he does to me mentally. I am extremely good at compartmentalising my life, and I use this thread as a way to let out my inner feelings and worries, because I can’t do that in real life. For this reason, I may come across as weak and helpless but I can assure you I’m not.

When my daughter is with me, I’m a strong woman who loves her and cherishes her with all my heart. When I’m at work, my head is 100% focused on my patients, and I would resign immediately if I thought for one second that my personal issues were affecting my ability to be a good nurse. The children I work with value what I bring to their life, and I’m fiercely protective over their mental health and well-being. I’m aware that my thread has got peoples backs up, and I do apologise for that. But please don’t mistake me for someone who’s incapable of being a mum and a nurse, because I’m caught up in a bad relationship.

As for him, he collected his stuff. He cried at first, and then he got angry, but he left and I’m “free”. The hardest part is keeping it that way but I know I need to.

I think you've misunderstood some of the comments - my point was that long term, there isn't a suitable future for you that includes this man and your daughter both being in your life.

He is unsafe and she should be safe. Those two things can't go together. You shouldn't ever introduce them, move in with him, marry him, have a baby with him - all of those things would put her at risk because the relationship is toxic and unstable - because he is a toxic and unstable individual.

He is violent and sexually abusive. A man like that can never be in your daughters orbit so there's no future for you with him - so do you see there's no point in having a relationship with him at all?