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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

665 replies

LanaLielaLie · 05/01/2021 07:14

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 15:18

@LanaLielaLie

As for him, he collected his stuff. He cried at first, and then he got angry, but he left and I’m “free”. The hardest part is keeping it that way but I know I need to.
This is brilliant, well done. Stay strong, cut contact so you have NO communication whatsoever - that is vital or he will draw you back in ThanksThanks
OakSun · 23/01/2021 15:25

Well done!
Change the locks, it will help with mentally you cutting him out and processing it. It will also take away the “what if” he still has a key and you have to keep him sweet so he doesn’t hurt you/work his way back in again.

Mrsmorton · 23/01/2021 15:31

Well done OP. This is so hard and you've done brilliantly

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 15:51

Also OP did you go to the doctor about him hurting you? I was worried there may have been some damage but I know it felt like an embarrassing thing to go for. Don't let that put you off, they've seen everything and it's important to check damage hasn't been done Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2021 15:55

Well done IP stay strong.

Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2021 15:57

OP

Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2021 16:04

LanaLielaLie

"As for him, he collected his stuff. He cried at first, and then he got angry, but he left and I’m “free”. The hardest part is keeping it that way but I know I need to."

He did you a big favour by getting angry and showing his true colours. If you are tempted to let him back in remember that anger. How quickly he we t from sad at losing you to angry at you!!

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 16:08

@LanaLielaLie that's great. Now is the time to contact your GP and get working on yourself.

The sooner you do this, the better equipped you'll be to deal with him should he try to get back in.

It's great to hear that things are stable for your dd but you have to understand that people weren't trying to make you feel bad. We were genuinely concerned for her. Now that you've explained her living arrangements, it's easier to see that you weren't putting her in danger.

As PP said, the pandemic won't last forever so there was every possibility that he'd have been in her life, something that concerned a lot of posters, and I think rightly so.

Have you blocked him from contacting you?

SoulofanAggron · 23/01/2021 16:16

Well done @LanaLielaLie xxx You've done it and you can carry on doing it. Now block him on everything, there's no need for him to be able to message you and it might reel you in as it did before.

Did he have a key and have you got it back?

If he comes round then just don't answer the door.

SoulofanAggron · 23/01/2021 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horseradish01 · 23/01/2021 16:21

Well done OP Flowers

StillWeRise · 23/01/2021 17:13

well done OP !
like others have said, you will get more peace of mind if you change the locks- also mute or block him on your phone/SM
stay strong Flowers

Catty1720 · 23/01/2021 17:27

@LanaLielaLie you should never feel you need to apologise if you think your thread has got peoples back up. That’s on them not you. You worded it fantastically being in a bad relationship does not make someone a bad parent!!! I am so glad he’s gone. It won’t be easy but try and stay strong your last two posts were a completely different attitude. Stick to that as much as you can. I wish you all the best going forward ☺️

Tistheseason17 · 23/01/2021 17:53

I hope you do not let him back.
You may think you can compartmentalise your life but those around you are impacted despite your protestations that they won't be. You are human and it hurts. Don't let him back in - transfer the strength you have in other areas in to the compartment you have for him.

misskatamari · 23/01/2021 18:29

I'm glad you've ended it. Please for the love of god, keep it that way this time. Block him. Keep him out of your life. Do not let him back in!

kidscreatemess · 23/01/2021 19:06

Well done OP.
Now block him on your phone and treat yourself to something that makes you feel good as you deserve to be kind to yourself! Thanks

SheilaWilcox · 23/01/2021 22:26

@LanaLielaLie

As for him, he collected his stuff. He cried at first, and then he got angry, but he left and I’m “free”. The hardest part is keeping it that way but I know I need to.
Well done.

Sure you'll have strong days when you remember he's a twat and weaker days when you miss him, but that's when you can come back and ask for some support.

Manxiety · 24/01/2021 12:00

Well done. Stay strong and address the things in you that allow men to treat you this way. Your low self esteem.

I think you know kids are very perceptive and do pick up on micro behaviours but you seem to have realised that it is not a healthy environment for her and taken steps to remove her from the situation temporarily. Now make sure both of you aren't subjected to any more of his abuse. Flowers

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 25/01/2021 18:21

I’m feeling weak. I don’t want to contact him or let him back in, but I’m thinking of the nice qualities rather than the shitty ones and it’s hard 😩

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2021 18:31

@LanaLielaLie

I’m feeling weak. I don’t want to contact him or let him back in, but I’m thinking of the nice qualities rather than the shitty ones and it’s hard 😩
Think of your daughter.

At this stage that's all anyone can advise you to do.

You cannot have a long term viable relationship with a man who anally raped you to the extent you were considering going to the doctor (among his other awful qualities) and have a healthy relationship with your daughter.

Sorry but that's what it has come down to now.

You need to choose - a future with him as your partner or a future with your daughter safe without a violent, sexually abusive man anywhere near her orbit.

What's your choice?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2021 18:36

Also what would you tell your daughter to do in this situation if she was your age and told you everything that's happened? Do what you would tell her to do.

Please do what you would tell her to do.

That is what modelling healthy relationship behaviour to kids means. Doing what you want them to replicate when they are older.

Please, please don't let this man back into your life or home. For your daughters sake and yours.

SunshineCake · 25/01/2021 18:36

No nice quality, and I'm sure he has none, is worth being raped, etc.

Block and delete.

OhCaptain · 25/01/2021 19:23

@LanaLielaLie there aren’t enough nice qualities in the world to keep your daughter around a serial rapist.

whenthestarsgoblue · 25/01/2021 19:40

@LanaLielaLie

I’m feeling weak. I don’t want to contact him or let him back in, but I’m thinking of the nice qualities rather than the shitty ones and it’s hard 😩
Think of this instead - it's harsh but you need to hear it. If your DD did witness any of this against your knowledge, and told her dad, or a teacher - anyone. You'd lose custody for allowing a serial Rapist in your home and around your child. SS would remove a child at risk in a heartbeat. Is he worth losing your daughter? Ask yourself that, rather than "thinking of good qualities " which is code for you are missing the attention. Op, I am not trying to be cruel - I want to shock you into seeing what you're actually doing. You need serious help and soon.
DuchessOfDoombar · 25/01/2021 20:33

@LanaLielaLie

I’m feeling weak. I don’t want to contact him or let him back in, but I’m thinking of the nice qualities rather than the shitty ones and it’s hard 😩
What are his nice qualities? In everything you’ve said about him there’s not one thing that would fall under nice.

He is a cheater. He is an abuser. He is a rapist. You have been miserable since you met him due to second guessing whether he would leave his partner for you and then whether he would go back to her. He’s sexually coercive. He has injured you.

You will lose your daughter if you keep excusing him and letting him back.
Every time you do he will push what little boundaries you have to nothing, break what’s left of you and then he will leave you for someone else anyway.

You will be modelling for your daughter the scenarios that created how you are now in relationships.

If you don’t want any better for yourself, do you want this life for your daughter?

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