He left her for me **MNHQ content warning added*

[LanaLielaLie]

His girlfriend of 9 years. I’m ashamed to say there was an overlap - go ahead and flame me. He was unhappy and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. Now he’s moved back in with his mum and we’re trying to take things slow. However, he goes back there every week to see his dog and take it for a walk.

He’s not over her is he?

OP you NEED to get out now

I have been you, albeit not sexual, but those little times where they’re so loving and kind are done to keep you there, keep you loving them.
Tell your friends and family, build up your support network so that when you do leave you’re not isolated and tempted to go back.
He will hurt you in one way or another and it ruins your life. There is nothing good that can come of this relationship, do it for yourself and your daughter.

Stay strong OP and just see your self worth xx

@LanaLielaLie

I’ll never be able to trust him.

You’re absolutely right. I did exactly the same when I was young, naive and stupid. 18 months later he did exactly the same to me. I totally deserved it. The fiancé he left for me came round to see me and we compared notes. Turned out he was still with her a good few months into our relationship. It’s highly likely that he’s lying to you about separate beds. Men like this tend to say whatever they think you want to hear.

You stay strong by putting his bags outside, locking the doors and ignoring him until he goes away.

Aha. You see, once you get involved with a cheater, you will never really trust them. That's your punishment. And he most probably lied about the separate rooms/beds.

Way to go,a vulnerable woman with low self esteem and poor decision making gets a mn kicking
Some of you should be utterly ashamed of yourself posting such mean spirited criticism
Op is clearly low, and exploited and abused by a dominant man. She so craves his attention that she’s tolerated his dysfunction and sexually aggressive behaviour
Did you read that she fears she has an internal injury because of his physical aggression.

Sometimes mn is empathic and kind. This is not such an occasion

@Hugoslavia

Aha. You see, once you get involved with a cheater, you will never really trust them. That's your punishment. And he most probably lied about the separate rooms/beds.

RTFT ffs!

Way to go,a vulnerable woman with low self esteem and poor decision making gets a mn kicking

I would usually agree with you but many poster have been very kind and OP hasn’t made any changes in her life so maybe it’s time for some tough love.
I’d rather she gets a virtual kicking on MN than a real one from the loser she is with.

And with a child involved she doesn’t have my sympathies at all.
What parent would choose a man they’ve known ‘for a few months’ over their own child!

The problem with a 'virtual kicking' and 'tough love' is that, is it really going to work?

How is bringing someone with incredibly low self esteem down even further going to make them feel capable of gathering the self worth and strength to leave?

Some tough home truths I can understand. But just picking at the OP's decisions and being awful about them is hardly going to help in any way.

What kind of parent? A vulnerable,lonely,mixed up parent makes bad choices. A women socialised to put up with poor behaviour, who’ll tolerate and endure things she’s uncomfortable with

As hard as it appears for some of you, try step into a mixed up confused emotional world where you can hardly spell your own name because you’re overwhelmed with conflicting emotion

Op doesn’t need to justify herself here. If some of you find this unsavoury, don’t enact that upon the op.

@LanaLielaLie

I was quiet after I got back from seeing her and he was pressing me about what was said. I didn’t voluntary tell him

You did unless he had a gun to your head.

You pack his stuff in a bin bag. Put it outside the door. Lock the door. End of.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Way to go,a vulnerable woman with low self esteem and poor decision making gets a mn kicking Some of you should be utterly ashamed of yourself posting such mean spirited criticism Op is clearly low, and exploited and abused by a dominant man. She so craves his attention that she’s tolerated his dysfunction and sexually aggressive behaviour Did you read that she fears she has an internal injury because of his physical aggression.

Sometimes mn is empathic and kind. This is not such an occasion

This.

I think a lot of women are quick to condemn because they're so sure it couldn't happen to a sensible, right thinking, clever woman like them - and it can, because abusers are very good at finding weak spots and exploiting them. It's not just people with 'chaotic lifestyles' who end up with abusers and repeatedly letting them back in, women I've known in the same position have included a police officer, owner of an animal rescue centre, a mental health nurse, an electrician and - amazingly - a domestic abuse specialist.

OP this isn't going to get better. I hope you are okay and able to resist his crocodile tears at being asked to leave.

If this is real then I feel that the Op really does need help . lots of people have tried to help but she’s not taking anything on board.
The internal injury is better, so that’s good.

Get a perspective,mn is an online forum op doesn’t need to make any changes or act on a stranger recommendations
No one has the right to expect that of someone they’ve never met
In real life therapeutic relationship there’s no expectation or demand for change. change is a possibility it’s not mandatory and certainly someone wouldn’t be subjected to well she’s was given good advice...chose to ignore it

And finally it is not appropriate to offer sympathy and get the huff if you feel op didn’t react appropriately

In real life and online When you’re all doing the head tilt,and nodding sagely that #mental health matters - be mindful this is how actual mental health issues present eg messy, emotional and no amount of straight talking will sort it

I’m worried that he’s going to try to convince me to let him stay. How do I stay strong?

OP, read what you wrote before

Yes, my daughter is safe. Until I sort this she will be with her dad.

You currently do not have your DD with you as you are essentially picking a rapist over her. You've said before that you don't think you're worth it and cling to any scrap of affection so do it for your daughter.

You stay strong by putting your daughter first!!!! This is not the example you should be setting. I agree women up!! Put your big girl knickers on and get rid of this man once and for all!!!! Enough is enough.

And finally it is not appropriate to offer sympathy and get the huff if you feel op didn’t react appropriately

It’s not about people getting the huff - she is in danger of physical, mental and sexual assault.
Lots of poster don’t want to see how this ends up if she doesn’t listen to them.

She barely knows this man and brings him around her little daughter knowing all the red flags he’s presented.

Yes I feel sorry for the fact she has mental issues/low self esteem or whatever but I actually care more about the child.

@slashlover you are hypothesising how you see this,not how op sees this
Fundamentally you’re projecting your sensiblities onto op,and imploring her to make the choice you’d make eg rapist or my daughter
Meanwhile in the op life,she’s scared,confused vulnerable and not tuned into the mn uhh-hhh just you kick him out mn mantra

OP if you’re not strong to end this yourself once and for all, do you have someone in real life that you can go stay with for 2 weeks? Block his numbers, have the locks changed on your house, and stay with them for as long as you can. Just get away from this man.

Lots of poster don’t want to see how this ends up if she doesn’t listen to them
And there we have it, all about mn posters not about op in the least
A self serving thread were posters want to see posts & evidence that they are being listened to

Do you want to have a relationship with your daughter? Then you need to get out of this “relationship”. It’s as simple as that, there is no option to let this continue.

@LanaLielaLie I hope the break up sticks this time.
And then you need serious, professional help and support in real life, not on here.

You come on here knowing that people will give you an emotional kicking.
You get into repeated situations with taken/abusive men knowing it will be a disaster.

You are not desperate for affection or support, you are desperate for other people to hate you as much as you hate yourself. That’s the validation you are chasing.

It’s self harm.

You have to accept that living like this fulfils some broken need inside you or you will never change it.

You will never allow yourself to believe you deserve better until you truly address why you have allowed yourself to accept so little time after time. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. For you and your daughter.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through such an awful time and I hope you have plenty of support who you can speak openly with. To be honest it’s very disturbing reading your posts as it’s evident how much you are hurting. Please talk to us anytime but try your very hardest to be strong and avoid this abusive man. One day you will look back at all of this and see it with Crystal clear eyes. But for now, just try to be strong. There are kind men out there. He certainly isn’t one.

Lots of poster don’t want to see how this ends up if she doesn’t listen to them

And there we have it, all about mn posters not about op in the least

Are you joking?
What do you think will happen to op if she doesn’t listen to the advice and leave him?

This is nothing about mn posters looking out for themselves they are worried what is going to happen to OP!