Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

😂😂😂😂😂

He thinks he is so smart yet it a complete fool!

How does contact work over there. What happens if the DS don't want to go/sleep over at their current ages?

@RandomMess I don't think DS (16) can be forced to stay if he doesn't want to.

I would be wary of agreeing on too much contact (so lower maintenance presumably), and then DS1 not wanting go.

This time I let DS sort it out with his dad, as they were both coming back on Saturday night he just agreed with his dad to not go the next day.

I suspect there will be other times in the future when he doesn't want to go either, and hopefully EXH will manage to get over his own ego and let him choose to see his friends or whatever.

DS1 was a little concerned about being "forced" to go, but I think if it comes to a head he could also ask to see the judge himself and request less contact (if his dad is being a fuckwit).

At the moment we are giving only minimum contact (Saturday nights every other weekend and half the school holidays).

Then when it goes back to court we can see what the DS want by then and perhaps make a huge concession of Friday nights as well !

My lawyer has now met EXH during the financial meeting and she says after meeting him and reading the psychologist's report, she doesn't think the kids should be spending a lot of time with him, certainly no more than the traditional EOW.

That's good.

His ego will always be an issue I suspect!

Long time supporter under a name change, wishing you well

Plus I knew DS1 didn't want to stay overnight as he had plans today with friends and knew his dad wouldn't facilitate them if he stayed there.

Might be worth dropping that casually into an email. “Pleased we can now agree overnights, trust you will facilitate weekend activities/socialising as I have been doing” type thing. Just in case you need it in the future as evidence. I can pessimistically foresee your DSs not wanting to go because Ex will be a dickhead about that kind of thing, and Ex will then try to blame you for hindering contact.

Yay for Mr DJ though

Oh @jamaisjedors, I know it's really not funny, but it IS funny how these tiresome morons all follow the same playbook. My ex has from time to time expressed concern about one of the dc's school work as well as coming out with 'tips' as to how I can support them. Bend over, stbx, and I'll show you where you can put your tips

You’re right about money being the driving force... it always is. They’re such selfish bastards. Of course the fact that you have HIS kids 90% Of the time doesn’t matter. Ugh!!!

Roll on getting this all sorted out this year Jamais!

Incidentally, did he ever get his heating sorted out or is he sitting in the cold?

@jamaisjedors well done, you've come so far and we're all immensely proud of the person you've become. Your DS have had this time with you to actually see what normality actually is, so will be able to judge themselves what they'd wish their lives to be like.
As a matter of interest is your STBEH French?

I'm a little bit wary about that letter that he got from his psychiatrist saying that he was no longer a danger to himself or others. I'm sure that many would have said that he wasn't a danger before he had his episodes and was on medication (he was controlling and still is but without medication is he 'cured'?).
I don't know if the timing of the letter is relevant either if he was on medication and isn't any longer, does the medication remain in his system or has he been given coping mechanisms to help if he feels another episode coming? I'm using the term episode as I'm not medically trained and I don't know if your STBExH had a full on breakdown or something else so apologies if I'm using the wrong word to describe what happened.
Having followed your story since your first thread, there is just something a little bit 'off' about this letter from his medical team, it's just not sitting right with me and I'd be challenging it or at the very least expressing my concern to my lawyer about it so it is noted.
It could be that combined with his comments about you slowing the process down is delaying things, that he has suddenly produced this letter saying his is fine and there is nothing wrong with him any more is just a bit off putting.

I hope I'm wrong in my spidey-senses here. I hope I'm miles wrong and that there isn't anything to worry about.
Keep going @jamaisjedors. You're doing brilliantly!!

Yes he needs to facilitate social events just as you have been doing and he needs to do the homework that's been given that day as it now can't build up to the weekend or holidays.

Thanks for all the encouragement - it always helps !!!

@Grrrpredictivetex yes, stbex is French - I've lived here for over half my life now.

@LookItsMeAgain I get what you are saying about your spidey senses - me too !

In fact my lawyer has just replied that seeing as he is not a danger to himself or the children, they can go overnight on Saturdays EOW and during the holidays.

She states however that the need for ongoing psychiatric treatment/supervision is concerning and that we expect some answers about what the actual diagnosis is and what his treatment is.

So that's down in writing as having been requested and still a concern, which will be useful when we go back to court.

My most paranoid side thought that exH could have written the letter himself and assembled it from a prescription from his doctor (it uses the same typeface he uses on all word documents).

Actually though I think the most likely thing is that he drew up the letter for his psychiatrist and asked him to print it and put it on headed paper.

It is then the psychiatrist's responsibility if anything goes wrong, even if he didn't write the letter as he did sign it.

And up until now, he has been very reluctant to put anything in writing for court - I explicitly asked him back in July 2019 when exH was still at the clinic and the psychiatrist called me in to ask me "why I was stopping exH from seeing his children?".

I asked him outright if he was willing to put it in writing for the court that ex was fit to look after his children alone - and he refused.

Also @LookItsMeAgain

I'm sure that many would have said that he wasn't a danger before he had his episodes and was on medication (he was controlling and still is but without medication is he 'cured'?).

I agree, our strategy now will be to say ok he's not dangerous but looking at the psychologist's report (which thank god we have), it is in the DC's interests to stick to traditional EOW visits and not joint custody, because of his controlling, rigid and inflexible attitudes.

I had a feeling that you'd be on the case there @jamaisjedors and I'm not mistaken.
The thing that is concerning (and I'm only going by what you've posted and I'm not looking for details or any personal or private information) but the way that you've written about the letter coming from your STBExH's psychiatrist reads as though your Ex had a headache, took some pills and he's fine again but in reality, someone who had such an episode as your Ex had, is likely to need some form of ongoing medication for some considerable time and to be under the care of a medical professional, again for some length of time.
Could your Ex have forged the signature of the psychiatrist by scanning in a signed letter and snipping/cutting the signature out and printing it onto the letter that you now have, so that the psychiatrist never saw or signed it at all??

I really hope that I'm miles off the mark here but as he has been putting you through such turmoil up to now, I wouldn't put it past him.

I wonder if he has only just come off the antipsychotics and so was hesitant to get anything in writing before now. The fact that he is still on SOMETHING (can DC get a look to see if any repeat prescriptions are lying around or medication boxes, or are you not wanting them involved) and still regularly seeing someone, suggests he is not completely better.

Plus these things come and go. My father is now in the middle of his third bout of serious MH problems. Its an ongoing battle with medications. Sadly not winning it at the moment

Plus some things are just how he is, and given how he is, its unlikely that he will ever be 'cured' because he wont accept that there is anything wrong with him or his views/behaviour. Kind of an indication of whats wrong with him

I'd be contacting the Psych (and
maybe even sending a copy of the letter?) , asking if it was genuine.

I don't trust your STBXH an inch.

I was thinking exactly the same thing as Catmaiden, although I thought your lawyer should possibly be the one to ask for the confirmation.

Re - contacting the psych, unfortunately I don't think he would speak to me, patient confidentiality and all that. When exH was transferred to the clinic in 2019, they wouldn't even confirm that he had arrived there to me.

My lawyer could possibly ask, will see with her...

Ah, I didn't mean you should do it in person! Ask your lawyer?. It seems deeply suspicious to me. Sorry

yes, you could also get them to drop in that, despite being asked, he still hasnt actually told you the diagnosis or other medication.

I would get confirmation that that exact letter was produced by the psych. There's loads of ways ex could have produced/changed it. Send them a copy to confirm the contents.

I have only just caught up. Was going to say that psych letter reads like EXH not a psychiatric report. Get it verified!!!

I think it actually sounds like sensible progress. The fact it's taken 18 months for ExH or his psychiatrist to produce this letter probably makes its contents more believable rather than less. The psych would have needed to see a sustained period of H being 'ok' before being comfortable to state in writing that he didn't pose a risk. The fact they didn't tell you a diagnosis or what drugs H is on also makes the letter believable because that's private medical information they'd not see as necessary for the purposes of court.

Nobody can guarantee what course any mental illness will take but the one night EOW offer is probably a good compromise. Your ds are both old enough to vote with their feet if they don't want to go. If their Dad starts behaving in a way that feels strange to them at all they can be very well briefed to call you to cut short the visit. (Can you agree a code word with them that means 'pick us up no questions asked'?) H's honour is satisfied, the ds spend time with their dad without having to disturb the evening midway through and you might get an occasional night DJing

It's a process that has to be gone through in order to get to the other side. Your calm, reasonable and fair approach all the way through will stand you in good stead. Go Jamais!

Jeepers! What a journey! Good luck for 2021 and the divorce!!

I have only just come across your thread and have been completely compelled to read the whole lot in one go! You are incredible brave and amazing. Your story resonates with me in so many ways it’s almost hard to read. Our two children are only 2 and a few months. My husband is currently in a sulk which I know will last another 3-4 days until I will eventually apologise to him (as I do every tim) for what at this point I know is caused by him. At this point it seems so clear that I should leave him (though the practicalities of they are terrifying). But when he has got over it and he is normal again I will forget this feeling and it will be as though it never happened ... until the next time.