Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
  
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
  
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.
  

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

[RandomMess]

@Hyppogriff please don't waste anymore of your life with someone that emotionally abused you and the DC in that way.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

@jamaisjedors

Re - contacting the psych, unfortunately I don't think he would speak to me, patient confidentiality and all that. When exH was transferred to the clinic in 2019, they wouldn't even confirm that he had arrived there to me.

My lawyer could possibly ask, will see with her...

And yet the psychologist contacted you previously to ask why you would not let Ex see the children?

Are you sure you spoke to the psychologist that time and not a friend of your Ex?

I would also strongly suggest getting independent verification direct from the psychologist that he wrote/signed/sent that letter. Your solicitor can contact him directly asking for confirmation that it is an original document and that the contents are correct and the signature is authentic.

Given the circumstances, I don’t think that would be unreasonable or even unusual.

[Mix56]

I agree, he must have only recently have finished his treatment which is why he wouldn't provide a letter sooner, although I'm sceptic that he wont need a life long prescription.
The letter sounds like he has insisted he stop in order to force psy to provide this letter to move forward & pay as little as possible. Who know if he is due to start another treatment next week?
As for homework what a piss take, he is making his own paper trail. So respond, that whilst you know ds is struggling, H should be doing his part, as he has his dc 2 days a week & has not once ensured ds does his homework, even though maths is his forte. Surely if he were interested in their wellbeing he would be more attentive ?!

[BlueThistles]

I wouldn't trust anything coming from your Exes camp either OP..

[Raindancer411]

@jamaisjedors How are you doing?

[Newestname001]

My goodness, Jamais, your patience is really being tested! I really hope your new SHL is able to get you through this long drawn out saga- that and your lovely-sounding Mr DJ! 🌹

[jamaisjedors]

All ok thanks, actually the letter says that exH is still seeing a psychiatrist regularly and taking his "treatment" - we have no info about that but my lawyer has requested it.

Otherwise he is obviously on an "up" streak at the moment, sending lots of emails trying to move things along with the financial settlement and sending me bills for stuff he is doing to the family home (repairing the lawnmower !!! cutting down trees...).

As with previous bills I am just saying politely that I haven't been consulted on these expenses and so cannot commit to paying half at the present time.

He can send all those to the solicitor who will be delighted (probably not!) to add a few more lines to the sprawling excel table to divide up the assets/debts.

Seeing my lawyer this week to prepare our final arguments for the finances and sort through the endless documents being demanded by exH (5 years of bank statements from all accounts in the UK etc.)

This week the DC are staying with him all week which is new obviously.

I was surprised to find myself struggling a bit with that, I know they want to go, and I normally am desperate for a bit of time to myself, but the house felt really empty without them.

I guess it's because I know they will now start staying there overnight for half of the holidays and on every other Saturday from now on and it's a change.

But it's just another step to getting things sorted and a bit more "normal" for everyone.

And I have Mr DJ to keep me company which is cool (and a little weird too "living" with someone again even if it's only for a week).

[Sicario]

It's hard letting go of the children into an environment where you can't be there for them or protect them should anything upset them. But it does get easier. I can't believe how long you've been putting up with this shit. You rock.

[Speakeasy22]

@Hyppogriff Your situation was exactly the same as mine. I am many many years on from that now and sublimely happy. My advice (and I wish someone had given it to me) is to make the break asap. Life really is too short to not be happy. Good luck.

[jamaisjedors]

@Hyppogriff

But when he has got over it and he is normal again I will forget this feeling and it will be as though it never happened ... until the next time.

I totally remember this. Last night Mr DJ asked me how I'd stayed so long in my marriage and it's hard to explain that one minute exH was poking "fun" at me or sulking for days, the next minute he was gaslighting me into thinking it was all my fault or denying he had been sulking.

And then he came out of his sulk, and the sun came out and it was such a relief that of course I was happy again and felt in love with him again... until the next time...

I can't tell you what to do, I was in your situation already when my DC were tiny, I'd say things got worse and I started seriously thinking about leaving when DS2 was a baby.

At the time I even said it to exH who just laughed and said I was imagining things and there was nothing wrong with our relationship (just something wrong with ME).

It took a whole lot of threads on mumsnet to get me to a place where I realised I could leave if I wasn't happy, I didn't have to wait to get exH to agree with me.

I can't say whether it would have been better to leave when the kids were tiny or now - I do know people say it's tough for teenagers to have their whole lives upturned whereas little ones don't really know better and can settle into a new routine.

Also there's a feeling (for my DS1 anyway) of bewilderment because he thought everything was ok in his childhood and that we were all happy, and then that was all ripped apart.

I did too good a job of swallowing down my hurt and tears and "putting a brave face on" to make it ok for the kids.

They may never understand, but I know that if I had stayed any longer the relationship would have totally destroyed me.

Good luck whatever you do.

[Mix56]

Cripes, I lost your thread & was worried you'd been outed 😳
Hope you are having a good w/e !!! Is this a w/e "with or without"?
How are DC dealing with this prolonged time with XH. After so long?

[Grrrpredictivetex]

@jamais how did the boys staying with Dad go?

[jamaisjedors]

Lost my own thread !!!

@Mix56 and @Grrrpredictivetex actually the boys had a really great time at their dad's during the holidays.

My eldest said it was "dad busy" ie they did a lot of stuff, and DS2 said he had a really good time. They actually had people over (for lunch, curfew at 6pm here) a few times and went and did things too.

So obviously I'm really pleased for them and they said it was great not to have to clock watch in the evening to be coming home at 9pm.

They also spent this weekend there for the first time (just Saturday night) and also seemed happy with their weekend, they took themselves off to see friends etc.

But actually DS2, who has been a bit "off" with me lately, was quite friendly and tactile with me when they got back and seems to be happy to see me.

Perhaps there was residual resentment there over not being able to stay over (their dad will have told them it was MY FAULT) and now they can spend "normal" time with their dad DS2 is more relaxed and happier.

OTOH it feels weird having them suddenly saying things which are straight from EXH, just little remarks they make which I know are "HIM".

But generally step in the right direction for a more "normal" life for the DS, and for me.

They will able to see how going there on a Saturday night EOW goes and then I can see whether they would like to add a Friday or a night in the week but no more.

Thanks for asking !

[Grrrpredictivetex]

Really glad @jamais things at last seem to be falling into place. Now for the divorce and life for you will truly begin again.

[Newestname001]

OTOH it feels weird having them suddenly saying things which are straight from EXH, just little remarks they make which I know are "HIM".

He is still trying to manipulate you, after all this time - and now through your children. What a guy!

But at least you can see what he's doing clearly, and forewarned. 🌹

[RandomMess]

How timely I've been searching for this thread today to see how you are!

Don't be afraid of a passing comment to DS2 along the lines of "I'm glad Daddy has provided his medical information to the court at last so you can stay over". It's important that they know the truth and they are corrected on his deliberate misinformation.

[Mix56]

You are beatification impersonated.

[Mix56]

"Personified" even !

[CharityDingle]

Just linked your threads on another thread here, jamais. I hope you don't mind.

It's a topic that crops up quite a lot, posters dealing with sulking and silent treatment from their partners.

I think your threads would be helpful to others and show that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[jamaisjedors]

@RandomMess

Don't be afraid of a passing comment to DS2 along the lines of "I'm glad Daddy has provided his medical information to the court at last so you can stay over". It's important that they know the truth and they are corrected on his deliberate misinformation.

Good idea, I think I said something like that but might reiterate it this weekend before the DC go there.

@Mix56 I certainly have a smile on my face today after an afternoon spent with Mr DJ yesterday

@CharityDingle - great idea to link to my threads (haven't seen the thread you are talking about), one of the reasons I keep posting is also so that anyone else in a similar situation can see maybe get some help/advice/support/insight.

[jamaisjedors]

Oh yes, thought this would amuse anyone still reading...

ExH has obviously found a new person to fight with seeing as I am all "grey rock" and reasonable emails.

He seems to have gone ballistic in a work meeting and is now accusing his boss of bullying and harrassment (same boss who was very supportive when he went missing and was taken into the psych unit).

He sent various emails last week describing events (I get them as we work in the same organisation and he has copied in millions of people).

What's quite funny is that in his email he has copied all his colleagues in saying that they will definitely agree with him and that his boss is tyrannical etc. Pages and pages of it.

And then all through the weekend colleague after colleague has replied (copying EVERYONE in as well) and said that they do not want to be associated with his point of view and that his behaviour in the meeting was inexcusable (shouting I think).

Reading it just took me back to all the times exH was convinced he was right when he fell out with people and I had to be all supportive of him despite having a sneaking suspicion he was involved in creating the conflict.

Just made me laugh to see his pompous self-righteous tone in this neverending email (he'll be taking the boss to court next !) and then all the colleagues saying actually... NO !

[RB68]

Don't think you will be working for the same organisation much longer and your poor colleagues have had a taste of your last few years. Well done for going grey rock - not easy when you work in the same place and share children. You sound such a strong person, I hope you are seeing the shining beacon at the end of the tunnel

[RandomMess]

Hmmm I think I would be keeping evidence of this and letting your lawyer know - could this be the start of another breakdown if he's stopped taking all the meds or just the pressure of having the boys overnight or loss of control now that you successfully grey rock him?

I want to say it's unlikely but that is very extreme behaviour?

[Wondermule]

OP I have just come across your threads - I am so full of admiration for you! And I am so excited that soon you will have thrown off the shackles and be able to live your life in peace and light without a stroppy moody manchild ruining everything. Good luck with it all

PS LOL about the boss! Sounds like he’s about to go down the route of suing for a living...

[Sssloou]

Looks like his MH is rapidly deteriorating.

He may well have another breakdown which may leave lasting damage and he might well lose his ability to function at work.

What was his diagnosis?

Take care of your boys - they may need to be alert to erratic behaviour and have a plan of action in place.