Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

@jamaisjedors he is an ass still, will most likely always be. But you are out and free of him, in all but the last hurrah. You've done so well, and should feel really proud.

Your story is an excellent one to share with those in despair!

I’ve dipped in and out of your threads, you’re doing so well. He sounds an absolute nightmare, your children are lucky to have you

Wow, I’ve not read your story before but reading this thread I’m speechless.

You come across as an absolutely awesome and loving mum with a strong and kind personality. Your husband is completely unhinged and I’m so sorry to you and your children that you had to put up with him.

You’ve moved on with sass and I love your positive energy!

Ooo sass, what a great word. I want sass. I want to be more jamais

I haven't discussed it but my marriage has broken down. I was in a very dark place for a while and had professional help. The most helpful thing I was told was to look back at our history and see how much he contributed and she said that she predicted could have done it by myself. So I analysed our history, he contributed money and diy skills, I bought every present and card for our children, and the wider family, every outing was initiated by me, most parties and and swimming etc were organised by me and I'd do the pick up and drop offs, if he was going I'd have to ring he to remind then, ring to check he'd got them.
I thought this might help others.

[flowers]@forrestgreen

@jamaisjedors

Unfortunately I don't think there is any hope of exH dropping his appeal because of solicitor's fees - he earns a good salary and has savings, and his pride is more important to him than money.

With regard to the debate about financial independance - I certainly feel very lucky I didn't drop down to part-time, and having the means to get a good solicitor, be able to rent a comfortable house and buy new furniture made a hideous situation slightly easier.

Before I left I set up an excel spreadsheet working out all my outgoings etc. to see if I could afford to go, and seeing the numbers just about balance helped my decision but I can't imagine what it must be like to be trapped by lack of finances, it's such an effort to leave an abusive relationship when you've been ground down for years and years and believe you are useless.

I was also lucky in that I had a job where people were telling me every day how competent and pleasant I was, which also contributed to me feeling able to leave as I was hearing one thing at home and another at work.

For me, EXH wanted me to continue working full-time (I went back to work after the minimum 12 weeks maternity after both DS) so that I would contribute financially. So he encouraged me to work.

BUT then when I took on extra responsibilities at work, he did a lot of subtle undermining, snide remarks about my team and our policy, "vital" meetings when I also had meetings so childcare clashes, choosing to commute by train so that then I was the one who had to pick the DC up from school/childcare, refusing to take the DC to activities etc. so I had to "juggle" it all.

I have followed all your threads, and have found them so informative, they/you and the other regular posters have definitely given me a sense of not being so alone in my situation and also a good laugh when I needed it. I get a real sense of you from your writing and think you have managed to deal with your situation with such honesty and strength. I very much agree with pp on the financial dependence, I am very trapped in my situation, particularly worse in the past year with COVID. It's seems a constant thing trying to figure a way out, that will be financially stable and safe for the children and I. Although I do try to remember that others have it a lot worse. Your threads have given me hope that maybe with time (and the vaccine) I can start to make plans to get away. Thank you 😘😘

@forrestgreen

I haven't discussed it but my marriage has broken down. I was in a very dark place for a while and had professional help. The most helpful thing I was told was to look back at our history and see how much he contributed and she said that she predicted could have done it by myself. So I analysed our history, he contributed money and diy skills, I bought every present and card for our children, and the wider family, every outing was initiated by me, most parties and and swimming etc were organised by me and I'd do the pick up and drop offs, if he was going I'd have to ring he to remind then, ring to check he'd got them. I thought this might help others.

This is very helpful! Thank you.

How are things going? Hopefully ticking along nicely!

Hi @RandomMess !!!

Was waiting til today to update the thread, as we had a meeting at the solicitor's to continue dividing up assets.

On Monday we had a really nasty letter from ex's lawyer, accusing me again of all kinds of things, including fraud.

My eczema totally flared up and I didn't sleep, which really pissed me off as I thought I was passed that stage...

Anyway, we had the meeting today, with both of our lawyer's present, and managed to agree on a few things, but then ex came up with more fantasies about properties and money I might be hiding in the UK and so this has set the procedure back all over again.

On the positive side, my (new) lawyer got to see ex in the flesh for the first time. She said it was highly educational and super helpful for her strategy for the next court case about custody.

She said all the things that were said my the expert psychologist were also obvious during the meeting.

Ex managed to get the solicitor's back-up by telling him how to do his job . At this point my lawyer winked at me and told me afterwards that this was all good for us, as the solicitor will be more inclined to dismiss ex's claims and see me as the reasonable one.

We will see. We now have a month to provide MORE paperwork (a lot of which we already provided a year ago) but my new lawyer seems on top of it so I'm not too worried.

Plus this time round I have the advantage of the lovely MR DJ who was waiting for me after the meeting with a thermos of tea and some fruit (and a big hug!).

Obviously he didn't meet me at the solicitor's, but by my car, but I had a weird moment when I could see Mr DJ across the road and then ex walked past on the way to his car.

I'm still keeping things hush hush with regard to the relationship as exH seems to be back to paranoia and rantings so no need to fan the flames...

Bloody hell he is so tiresome!

Oh FFS he never gives up does he.
At least he does appear to be rubbing everybody up the wrong way, which can only be good for you. But how bloody exhausting and pointless all this willy waving is.

On reflection actually he is an unwell man and you are right to leave overnight contact until the judge awards it. He is still unstable.

I think realistically this is going to take forever. He wants to control you and if you divorce and the children grow, he won't be able to.
At any point is there a way to take this before a judge to say he's sabotaging everything.

Why does he think you have properties in the UK?

at the willy waving!!!!

@RandomMess my lawyer said the same as you, absolutely no overnights til they are court ordered.

@forrestgreen yes i think it will take forever... The designated solicitor has to draw up a report. If we agree on everything, we can go ahead and liquidate the family assets.

If not, we try to agree on as much as possible, and then what's left goes to the judge for her to decide.

But the solicitor has to finalise his report first. Apparently the reason it's taking so long is that exh's lawyer asked for a prolongation last year, so the solicitor has been waiting.

@FourDecades i do have a property in the uk that my dad gave me, he knows about that but he is convinced that there are others (paranoia strikes again), and that I'm hiding them...

He is such a prick 🙄

What a dickless wonder!

He is stalling deliberately, firstly as a punishment because you stepped out of the box he had you in, & because he doesn't want to have to share his pile if gold..... He owns this narrative, he owns you... in his twisted mind, he doesn't want you to move on, be comfortable, be free
Mr DJ bought tea !!!!! Wow!

All together now... "Hey DJ won't you play that song keep me dancing, all night long."

OP your strength is a credit to you 🌺

Just checking in to say hi and a little update on exH's fuckwittery.

He is going into overdrive perfect/concerned parent mode, obviously preparing his arguments for court.

He contacted me this week to tell me he was concerned about DS2's school results and absences- and to give me some handy tips about how "ideally" I would step up a bit and coach/supervise DS2 every evening with his schoolwork.

And to complain that DS2 has missed a few days of school...

I particularly appreciated his advice on how to deal with DS2 (14), considering DS comes back from ex's without having done his homework so I have to battle with him on a Wednesday and Sunday night

I've replied (after a couple of days) asking exH to "step up" himself to help ds in maths (exH's forte) as that's where he's struggling. I've said that if he is unable to do so, I will look into other options for support for DS (ie a tutor).

Result is that DS has come back having done 3h of maths and lots of baking this weekend - superdad is in the house !!!

In other news, EXH has accused me of slowing down the divorce process (in one email), has reiterated that if I can't "cope" with the DS he would be happy to take full or joint custody, and has sent a 3rd email fussing about not being asked for his signature on a school document.

BUT : drum roll - 18mths after leaving the psychiatric clinic (July 2019), and after 2 court hearings, he has finally produced a letter from his psychiatrist which says he has had no more psychotic episodes, is not on antipsychotic medication anymore, and is not a danger to himself or to the children.

No actualy information about a diagnosis (despite that fact that he is still seeing a psychiatrist monthly and still obviously on some medication).

My lawyer says we now can say "yes" to overnights as they (he and his lawyer) have officially requested them and it will be difficult to justify not doing so now we have this letter.

So the DS will be able to go overnight during half-term (in a couple of weeks here) and we will say yes to a Saturday night EOW.

In a slightly petty way I did not send an official reply on Friday (DS were at the dad's this weekend), he can wait til the holidays now.

Plus I knew DS1 didn't want to stay overnight as he had plans today with friends and knew his dad wouldn't facilitate them if he stayed there.

And (in brackets!) I had a lovely Valentine's day with Mr DJ who is still being a sweetheart and who got me a massage on Saturday so I could relax after all the stress with exH.

God, he’s a tool! Why do I suspect that he’s doing this because some other sucker’s finally in the picture and it suits him to clear the way?

@justilou1 Could be !!!

He has also now realised that every month he stays in the family home without buying me out, he will have to pay me rent.. so NOW he is in a hurry and is accusing me of stalling to get this rent