Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Good to see your update, Jamais.

This is your year. You and your boys so deserve a settled future!

Have been following all along (recent name change) and wish you all the best. Hope everything resolves. You are amazing.

You magnificent woman! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and NYE. How are things with Mr DJ? Have you informed the boys that you have a life yet?

Still with you, still full of admiration

Such lovely messages, not sure if you know how important they are to me but thank you every one of you, it gives me such a boost to see them and to know you are all there

@everythingbackbutyou - will keep the "dregs"' analogy in mind

@justilou1 things are still great with Mr DJ, I have met some of his (lovely) friends and it seems he has been gushing about me to them. Plus introduced him to some of my friends too who were all postive too - he is very easy-going and it was miraculous doing something sociable and not worrying about moods or sulks and going home in a positive mood (exH would spend the whole journey home moaning about my friends or whatever).

In other news, the "expert" psychologist has finally sent through a report.

For the moment all we have is a report about me - and it's a load of rubbish ! My lawyer agrees. He has just retranscribed bits of our conversation, mostly about why I left exH (that is not going to help appease things) and there is nothing which will help the judge make a decision and nothing about my parenting.

It does say I don't seem to be hallucinating or paranoid...

Meeting with my lawyer on Wednesday to talk about it and she is going to contact the "expert" to find out where the reports about exH and the children are - at the moment it looks like I am the one who was loopy and needing checking up on... grrrrrrrrrr

Great start to the year...

🙄 Oh for goodness sake!

All I can think of is the expert is crap at their job?

Or, that the "expert" got mixed up as to which of you was the actual, diagnosed mentally ill parent, and which was the normal one?

That is infuriating, this "expert" must have been a man ?

I would think it's very telling that they aren't volunteering any written information about your XDH.
Do you mean the psychologist was privy to these conversations or is he/she literally just writing down what your XH says about you? What is the value of that?

Basically to write a report about my personality and my ability to parent, he has written down...
Bits of my answers to questions he asked me, choosing to write down mostly my view on why I left exh.

Word for Word... so in speech marks , but with bits missing... and some bits are just wrong datewise etc.

No judgement apart from the fact that I don't appear to be delusional... oh yes and I was on time for the appointment and have excellent cognitive and verbal functions... good to know!!!!

Will report back once I've spoken to my lawyer (Wednesday).

But I assume this means the report on exh will just be a repitition of what HE said, so of no value, as you point out.

How this is supposed to help the judge decide who the dc should live with I have no idea.... grrr

Jamais is there any chance you could just ask for a transcript of your meeting and then at least the judge could read the full answers rather than the "experts" poorly selected bits.....

I am concerned that the “expert” may have been “charmed” by your stbxh. I think you might need another expert witness Jamais.

So I got ALL the reports from my lawyer yesterday (kids, exH, me) and looking at them all together, it is actually very favorable to us.

Basically exH put the psychologist's back-up - arrived with his own notes, kept avoiding questions, and tried to take over the interview and reverse the roles to interview the expert !

The psychologist notes that exH is rigid and controlling and finds it almost impossible to understand other people's points of view or leave them any space.

He also says exH tends to feel persecuted if people have a different point of view to him.

He thinks the current custody arrangements with possible overnights are fine, and would NOT recommend 50/50 custody.

Also exH states that he does not want to see or speak to me at all, which basically rules out joint custody too.

Also in the DC's reports he confirms that they were not manipulated by me or stopped from speaking to the judge about custody.

He also says the DC are fine and not suffering from PTSD.

So all in all the 4 reports together show a clear picture where the DC are ok, I am stable and capable of parenting (it doesn't say this about DC) and the expert would NOT recommend joint custody as requested by exH.

My lawyer is delighted and thinks we have a clear case for the appeal.

For the moment she says to make no changes with custody (so no overnights yet for the DC).

I assume this is while we see how long it will be to get a new court date and also perhaps so that we are in a strong position to negotiate the final settlement (custody, divorce, finances).

I am obviously a bit disappointed for the boys that they STILL can't stay overnight with their dad, particulary as we might be heading for a 6pm curfew here in France.

But I trust my lawyer, she says it's not up to US to make offers about contact now, DC's father or his lawyer should be approaching us and then we can see if we are feeling generous.

Sorry "So all in all the 4 reports together show a clear picture where the DC are ok, I am stable and capable of parenting (it doesn't say this about EXH) and the expert would NOT recommend joint custody as requested by exH.

Praise be!

I've seen your threads in the past and been a part time lurker.
I just want to say that it's amazing how far you've come and hopefully this will be the year that everything works out for you xx

Thank goodness!

I would also feel that, with the points made about STBXH, it is even more imperative to have a report from his treating Psychiatrist to establish just how well and stable he is before any decisions are made for overnights.

Could you ask for the judge to rule that if at any point the dcs express that they do not want to visit, their wishes should be respected without having to go back to court?

fantastic news.... 🌺

Can you imagine how much frothing he'll be doing...

That's great.

It will take time for him to calm down I expect.

I agree with asking that the DC have the right to not be forced to go to contact or stay overnight without having to return to court. I really hope that is possible.

Excellent!

Brilliant, you're almost there. 2021 will be your year of liberation!!!

Great stuff!

Long term lurker saying yay.

Fabulous! So the expert was completely NOT charmed then! 🤣🤣🤣

wow, thats a good report from the psychologist!