Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Im here for the latest updates! Everything crossed for you ☺️

Following from the beginning, (with several name changes)

Keeping everything crossed there is good news!

Wishing you the best of luck today ☘️🍀

I hope it’s gone well

I do hope you're out celebrating being free. Been thinking about this all afternoon.

I hope everything went well jamais.

Hi sorry yes was wiped out after court and then was out to celebrate a friend's birthday.
Exh didn't turn up but the hearing went ahead. The judge seemed interested and attentive when my lawyer was talking, then exhs lawyer did a brief but nasty speech of which the main theme was "dissimulation" (mine of course)...

The judge will make a decision in 2 months.

My lawyer thinks that the most likely scenario is that she decides one way or another on the divorce - no fault as requested by us, or fault as requested by them.

Then as long as exh doesn't appeal this, we could actually be divorced by early next year. According to his lawyer, (off the record) the reason he didn't trun up to court is that he just wants to move on now. I'll believe it when I see it.

However she thinks it likely that as there are still some disagreements over finances, we may have to go back to the court designated solicitor to try and sort that out.

Again, we'll see!

Dear Jamais, I too have been following this over name changes.

Sadly, I think your Lawyer has the measure of him (unlike the Judges it seems), and you will have a while longer to wait to be free, but a part of me really hopes it could be early next year.

If any one is guilty of dissimulation it’s your ex as he’s allegedly saying he wants to move on but has used many tricks to extend the process as long as possible and no doubt will appeal any decision that has not gone “his way”.

Good grief jamais this is never ending and must be costing an absolute fortune. You have the patient of a saint.

I came across your threads just after he'd been awful on your birthday, so a long, long time ago. It's just not right that men can hang on to a marriage long after it's over and done with and prevent new lives being built. It's not fair on the children either, although yours must be nearly adult now.

Obvs it's not just men who try to prevent their exes moving on, but it is in this case. What's his motivation and payoff? Just taking pleasure in the control he has over your new life?

Best wishes from me, and I hope you and your boys (and Mr DJ) are ok.

Another step closer!!

His point is his fragile ego and none of it being his behaviour was unreasonable as he literally can't accept he is less than wonderful and perfect.

Well Jamais, I suppose there is reason to be cautiously optimistic that the Judge decides on a no fault divorce and that you could be free early next year. However as usual we don't really know what tricks old Twatface is planning. I suppose it might be possible that he has now grown tired of all the game playing and point scoring and just wants it over, but given his history I'm guessing you are not counting your chickens just yet. You are a true stoic.

I hope you are not too disheartened and that you and boys are doing well, oh and Mr DJ too.

Thanks! Am doing pretty well all things considered, it all gets to me sometimes but generally I absolutely LOVE the life I have now, always busy with friends, the kids, and Mr Dj too ❤️.

One Ds flew the nest in September although he's still close by for another year. Ds2 has one more year of school left so yes, both nearly or already adults.

Jamais, I've been following you quietly since the start and I'm crossing my fingers that this really is getting close to the end. You've been put through the wringer but I've never been less than in awe of how you've approached all of this.

Gosh I hope the end is in sight. I started reading Jamais' threads when I was at work and I've been retired a while now! I can't believe how this saga has gone on and on............

generally I absolutely LOVE the life I have now

I'm another who has been here through several name changes 🤣 and that is so so good to hear!!

Oh good grief!! More delay, even if it's simply the judge taking her sweet time!

Is STBX trying to string this out until both boys are legal adults (ie no maintenance) or is he just an unmitigated asshole?

Does 'fault' vs 'no fault' make a difference in the financial aspect? If not, unless he's alleging you did something truly egregious, I wouldn't care if I was found 'at fault'. After all 'those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'.

Jamais I'm another one who's been willing you on from the beginning. It's just great to know you're loving life now. I hope I sense from you that the whole battle with Exh (and his insecure grip on the rational) is becoming less significant to you these days while you live your new and better life. But omg you must be looking forward to the end of this!

The French legal system seems very thorough so I'm sure the judge will see some hypocrisy in exh saying he just wants to move on yet still going for a fault divorce. Some double-think going on there!

Actually this is usual for the court proceedings here in France, the judge hears both sides briefly to introduce the case and then she studies all of the written conclusions and assertions and evidence produced by both sides and sets a date to make her ruling known. 2 months is pretty good.. My lawyer is worried that due to the size of the case file, she may ask for longer and push back the decision.... Hope not!

Otherwise Exh had been ordered to pay maintenance back in 2019 when we got an emergency court date and has had to pay it ever since. However he has managed to get it lowered on the basis of "seeing the children more" which he now doesn't do anyway.

For the "at fault" part, honestly at this stage I agree that not worrying about it and letting it go would be the best option.

However, exh is asking for damages ie financial compensation for the loss and pain suffered 😒 and also for me to pay all of his court costs. So not ideal.. We'll see!

Damages???!!! Fuck him and the horse he rode in on! He's inflicted more damages on you in the last, what, 4 years than any woman should have to put up with.

But as the old saying goes “The wheels of justice turn slowly, but grind exceedingly fine”. Hopefully he'll get his balls caught in the wheels!

Don't often post here but have been reading since the start.

Damages!! He should be careful what he wishes for. I reckon there are plenty of us on here who would wish him more damages than he could ever imagine.

I know I was only joking at the time, but I am pretty sure now that a hitman WOULD have been cheaper!

TBF we did all enthuse about visiting to build that new patio.

Is it ever the judge more than once?
There are people waiting for major or minor judgements all over the country, its so enraging typical to string it out like this, all the avocats are rubbing their hands in glee, peoples lives are on hold. some people are financially ruined while they wait for years.
Where would you be now had you not had a fairly decent salary ? Its actually appalling.

the "same" judge

Nope, never seen the same judge as by the time the next hearing comes around, they have moved on...

As you say, infuriating.. And scandalous that this could drag on so long at such a cosy to society (and myself, but that's my problem)...

And yes, patios have been discussed on numerous occasions 🤣.