Divorcing sulking DH - it WILL happen in 2021!

[jamaisjedors]

Another year, another thread !

Can't believe this is thread number SIX ! and that I am still getting amazing support from all the wonderful mumsnetters out there !

RECAP :
First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was emotionally abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and stayed there for over 2 months.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out of the family home asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights for exH.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Fifth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020?msgid=102523551

But exH appealed against the judge's initial decision so we had to go back to court in mid-February and with COVID etc. the ruling came in June 2020.

The saga continued as the judge ruled she didn't have enough information to make a decision about custody (exH didn't provide any) and so in November 2020 the whole family had to go for a "psychological assessment".

Right now we are still:

• waiting for the expert's psychological report as to whether exH is safe to have the DC overnight
• still waiting for the designated solicitor to draw up a financial settlement
• waiting for exH to agree to the divorce - but after 2 years living separately (May 2021 or September 2021) he will have no choice.

Which is why 2021 WILL be the year of the divorce !

I keep posting after all this time because:

a) I have had and continue to get brilliant, incisive, caring advice and support from other posters
b) I regularly see threads from women with "sulking" partners and who might (I hope) gain some insight into their situation by taking a look at my threads and the advice on them
c) my threads are absolute proof of the fact that leaving an abusive man is dangerous (even when you are not even sure yourself whether he is really abusive or not). We were a "normal" family, looked "perfect" from the outside, and suddenly we have been involved with social services, police, courts. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all that must be without the financial means and real-life/online support that I have had.

Happy also for anyone to PM me if anything in my threads strikes a chord with you

Excellent @jamaisjedors. Go and spin a few tunes with Mr.DJ.

In my head you'll marry Mr. DJ and we'll all come to the wedding. 😂

Well done keep thinking Christmas I will be free now I know it seems months away but as you given two dates you can be sure you be free by Christmas in fact make December your month of enjoying Christmas stuff with your child, hugs 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Well, that's a relief! The wheels of justice move slowly, but they do move.

I’ve name changed but was on your previous threads - that is a great start to the new year! I hope it continues.

That's great news.

Wheels of justice certainly moving slowly - my lawyer has just got back to me to say the next hearing for exH's appeal will be June/July... and then it's minimum 3 months after that for a decision....

My previous lawyer hoped that if we had a favorable report from the psychologist we might be able to negotiate a divorce settlement including custody and finances without going to the appeal.

It will depend if exH wants to "see the appeal out" (suspect he will) and keep the status quo for another year, or if his lawyer can make him see sense and get him to produce a letter from his psychiatrist so we can agree on custody arrangements amicably (dream on Jamais !).

@Grrrpredictivetex weddings are definitely off the cards for the moment but if there ever is one, of course you are all invited .

Thanks again to all for the support and comments

@jamaisjedors will he be able to afford all these solicitors fees? Maybe when he receives the bill he'll reconsider the time span. Stupid man trying to control till the end.

Been quietly following this thread since the beginning too and just wanted to say that I am so pleased for you and how things are progressing. Granted, it's not going as fast as you'd perhaps hoped for but just looking back at your threads, you've dealt with this admirably.

You've stayed level headed, have thought every step through, made some boundaries to help yourself deal with how STBXH can affect you (the email inbox where his ones go to straight away) and above all, you've always put your kids first and made sure that their well being as well as wishes are being heard.

The fact is that you are dealing with this incredibly well and respectfully towards your ex, whereas I am unsure that he wouldn't still be trying to put all sorts of ideas in the kid's heads.

You deserve nothing but praise and a bloody medal for putting up with all the antics of your ex so far.
May 2021 be your year of liberty!!

Just reading your thread and totally agree how you can see yourself in a 'normal' family/relationship and only realise when you try to leave or have problems that it is abusive - it isn't always so obvious.

Glad to read you are staying strong and getting through it all x

Well Thank the Lord !
You can relax now, albeit 6 months is a long wait....
As you say, if he wasn't a cussed imbecile, he would do what has been asked of him & he could have the DS overnight, & save money at the same time.

We could still have a party surely ? post bastard Covid....

Hi, I've been lurking but have posted ages ago. Is there a point in France (as in England) where the courts basically listen to what the dc want in terms of contact? Because here a father dragging things out like this would be in danger of the dc deciding they can't really be bothered with contact.

Wow, I assume he got sent a copy of the reports also? He must be furious...

Oh well done Jamais and your lovely DC.

Great to hear from you

The wheels of justice may turn slowly but they're going in the right direction. Things sound so much calmer and more settled for you, Jamais. Perhaps you can afford to play the long game now. Life sounds pretty good for you and the longer H doesn't cooperate or allow the process to happen, the longer you're establishing that the boys live with you permanently and securely. By the time an agreement about overnights happens your older ds may well be old enough to choose for himself whatever the court (or his dad) says.

Mr DJ sounds lovely.

I was on your original thread and I remember so clearly how angry I was at this complete stranger because of the way he was ruining things for you and your DC! I've followed off and on since the. You're doing brilliantly. I often think of you when someone else posts about a sulking husband. But increasingly, I also think your threads are an interesting lesson in how it can be extraordinarily tedious and difficult and painful but how a man can make all kinds of threats etc but doesn't always get what he wants. We all know women, in RL and online, who are terrified of leaving because their partners' have threatened them directly and indirectly. But you've taken him on and are winning. Well done.

[also goes back to read last thread as definitely have not caught up with existence of a new man. How exciting.]

I feel The lesson to be learned from this & most other "abusive husband" threads, is never to become financially dependant on your partner. As other than the emotional strength needed to finally leave, What is needed is a salary. In many cases the abused partner has no money & other than go to a refuge feels, probably correctly, unable to justify removing young children to live in a bedsit she can barely afford. Whilst knowing that most judges would not be in favour when the P takes it all to court, calling an already fragile mother unfit. etc.

Mix56 that's not how it works. You stop working because they gradually make it so hard to keep working. Often because of pregnancy, or they move you away from your job and make it hard to you to apply for new ones etc etc. They work on isolating you from people who could point out that their behaviour towards you isn't ok. And they charm the rest so that you feel you won't be believed.

They make you pay for the childcare so you are working for nothing, make it so you are doing all the childcare pick up and drop off plus all/most of the domestic stuff. Agree if you stop working it's fine and they will pay for x y z then retract on the deal or constantly go on how it's "their" money...

Preaching to the converted !

So pleased to read your updates- (have been following your threads), it is happening slowly, but thank goodness you are getting there.

Basically exH put the psychologist's back-up - arrived with his own notes, kept avoiding questions, and tried to take over the interview and reverse the roles to interview the expert ! 🤣🤣🤣

Dear god, he can't help himself can he.

So pleased the reports reflect reality and he didn't manage to charm the expert, quite the opposite it would seem.

KOKO

Unfortunately I don't think there is any hope of exH dropping his appeal because of solicitor's fees - he earns a good salary and has savings, and his pride is more important to him than money.

With regard to the debate about financial independance - I certainly feel very lucky I didn't drop down to part-time, and having the means to get a good solicitor, be able to rent a comfortable house and buy new furniture made a hideous situation slightly easier.

Before I left I set up an excel spreadsheet working out all my outgoings etc. to see if I could afford to go, and seeing the numbers just about balance helped my decision but I can't imagine what it must be like to be trapped by lack of finances, it's such an effort to leave an abusive relationship when you've been ground down for years and years and believe you are useless.

I was also lucky in that I had a job where people were telling me every day how competent and pleasant I was, which also contributed to me feeling able to leave as I was hearing one thing at home and another at work.

For me, EXH wanted me to continue working full-time (I went back to work after the minimum 12 weeks maternity after both DS) so that I would contribute financially. So he encouraged me to work.

BUT then when I took on extra responsibilities at work, he did a lot of subtle undermining, snide remarks about my team and our policy, "vital" meetings when I also had meetings so childcare clashes, choosing to commute by train so that then I was the one who had to pick the DC up from school/childcare, refusing to take the DC to activities etc. so I had to "juggle" it all.

BUT then when I took on extra responsibilities at work, he did a lot of subtle undermining, snide remarks about my team and our policy, "vital" meetings when I also had meetings so childcare clashes, choosing to commute by train so that then I was the one who had to pick the DC up from school/childcare, refusing to take the DC to activities etc. so I had to "juggle" it all.

That does not sound at all subtle. What a nasty piece of work he is.

God what a swine. Glad you are getting rid. I'm angry and I'm not the one currently (but not for long!) shackled to him! 🌹

This is such a recurring theme amongst women on these pages!!!!