Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

I hate to jump straight to LTB but you would be doing her a massive favour if you did. He is emotionally abusing her, and by staying and letting it continue you are allowing it.

I feel awful for her.

Then do something about it. Protect her.

I would not stay with him. Your daughter will never forgive you if you stay with him. He is vile. Poor girl.

You're going to have to get out. Every day she spends with a man who has made it clear he hates her is another day that her self esteem and confidence drop, another day for her to see her mum fail to protect her, another day for her to believe that she is worthless and is indeed "a bitch".

An 11 year old child. Your 11 year old child. He called her a bitch. How does he still have all his teeth?

That’s very sad. How do you feel about him? Has he always been mean to her?

Has he always been like this? It seems odd if he has suddenly changed towards her.

Jeez. Either he goes on a parenting course and gets therapy right now, or he's out the door, surely?

Your post made me remember a friend of mine from childhood. She was an identical twin and her father acted as though he hated her her entire life. Her twin, on the other hand, was the light of his world. I witnessed several horrible incidents of his treatment towards my friend, and I was told that wasn't even the half of it. All I can say is that this now 47 year old woman has never gotten over how horrible her father was to her. It has tainted her whole life.

You simply cannot allow this to continue.

What on earth?!? He sounds vile

My dad vocally disliked me. I was a third child he never wanted and you can be sure he let me know. It was damaging and my DM left him over it (plus a few other things, but it was a major factor). I'm grateful decades later for her unwavering love and putting my needs as a child first. I would leave my husband without hesitation if he treated one of our DC like this.

To be honest the thing that made me finally split was how horrible he was to my elder son especially

I just think as annoying as tweens are you can’t ‘dislike them’ 24/7

My philosophy is kids don’t ask to be born , but they certainly don’t deserve angry parents who hate them

I wish you well

He's emotionally abusing her. As a parent you can not like an action or behaviour of a child, but you can't tell your kid that you don't like them. You also have to put the effort in to engage with them and be positive.
Him not liking her, calling her names, not trying to engage on a positive basis with her - its emotional abuse not just for her but also your other children who are witnessing this.
You need stern words and instant change. If you don't get that then as a parent you have to act to protect your children and that means separating them from him.
Your daughter has a right to live in a home where she is loved and valued and not disliked.

If he consistently treated you like he's treating her would you stay? Or would you go because you wouldn't want to live like that? Your daughter has no choice, unless you act to protect her.

You're doing Piggy in the middle. It's so tough but he's an adult and she's a child. Have a think. His boozing can't be fun for you all.

LTB

your poor daughter

It will have an absolutely horrific long term effect on not only her but your other child too.

Pop over to the Stately Homes threads if you want to hear from the many adults crippled emotionally by being brought up in such horrible family dynamics - doesn't matter if you're the hated scapegoat or the golden child, it destroys everyone. And you.

Please leave. Your poor poor children. This is going to absolutely wreck her - protect her.

Gosh your dd is at such a vital and formative age. She really needs you to step up for her as her father is not only epically failing her, but seems intent on squashing her & damaging her very badly.

WTF is he thinking & doing?

I don't see how he can continue to live in the same house.

Please protect your Dd from her lousy failing father.

Has he never liked her? Not to justify it but is she difficult?

Eleven! She's a CHILD. She's your child.

Leave him, so that she isn't subjected to such vile abusive behaviour anymore. She deserves better.

Protect your child. Leave the vile man.

He's an utter cunt to treat his child that way. LTB.

My first thought was that it's maybe related to physical abuse. It's definitely emotional abuse. I'd expected from the start of your post that she is a teenager but 11?!! You have to put a stop to this one way or another.

My dad hated me like this growing up, it wasn’t anything I did given I was a child, he just felt entitled to vent his ire at me. My mum did nothing about it.
We have no relationship now, I barely see or speak to them. He still hates me but tries to hide it as I’m his only child with the means to look after him in his old age (which will not be happening).
I have never recovered from his treatment of me and my teen years and early 20’s are littered with bad decisions and awful men until I finally sought help and stopped the self destruction.

Your daughter needs you to choose her before he destroys her. Please do not think a shitty apology or any apology will change how awful this is making her feel. Please get her some therapy and get that pig of a man away from her

"Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line."

Which manifests itself how?

He dislikes his own daughter. Actually just get rid of him.

When I read this I felt so sorry for your dd. You say she is your youngest. Are your other children male or female? I can never imagine my dh calling my dd a bitch but as she became a teenager he found her frustrating at times as their relationship changed - not daddy’s shadow anymore - so he took it personally at times. I would tell your dh he needs to pull himself together or you will ask him to leave.

Sounds really abusive. Doesn't seem like he respects you either. Pack him a bag & buck him out. Don't pick him over your child, he will destroy her self esteem.