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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband doesn't like our daughter

174 replies

SmallHeathShelby · 03/01/2021 22:46

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/01/2021 23:48

Do you know what has sparked this? Could something have happened between them that’s being hidden from you? You say nothing had triggered it but that seems unlikely.

I'm afraid to say this was my first thought too.

I was "daddy's girl" until that became inappropriate and abusive and he turned on me in front of mum I think to try and cover/distract from my obvious rejection of him

Mum didn't defend me as I was her scapegoat anyway (she's even said to my face she was and is jealous of how dad was/is with me) and my sister was her golden child. Sister was dads scapegoat but mum always defends and sticks up for her, bro didn't get a look in essentially.

When I disclosed to mum she did say she noticed we seemed to "grow distant" from each other but she didn't understand why and put it down to "normal" teen/parent friction, but she also doesn't really believe me weird reaction from her basically she's in denial.

It isn't necessarily abuse, a friend of mine had a similar issue with their dad - the reason was she'd caught him cheating on her mother, had kept quiet at his insistence and because she didn't want to "be responsible" for breaking up the family which the dad convinced her she would be. She never forgave him and the ow told the mum anyway as she fell pregnant about 2 years after so then they got divorced anyway. The dad continued to take all his irritation about the situation out on the daughter. Piece of shit!

So I think perhaps you need to do some digging.

All 3 of us are in our 40's, shit at relationships, low self esteem and 2 of us serious mh issues. Is that what you want for her?

Tavannach · 03/01/2021 23:48

You have to protect your daughter. He has to go. Call Womens Aid if you need help with the practicalities, but he has to go. He has damaged your daughter and you cannot allow it to continue.

Horehound · 03/01/2021 23:49

This is sickening

Dullardmullard · 03/01/2021 23:50

Bloody leave before you have to decide between your kids and man by SS because she will tell someone and I hope she does don’t but that woman that thinks it’s ok because it isn’t.

JuniperKane · 03/01/2021 23:50

WTF? How can any person have such vitriol and hatred for any child, never mind their own. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate my husband treating our children like that. Not sure what needs to happen, but whatever you decide it needs to happen soon because it’s cruel of you to let your daughter continue to live in that environment, you wouldn’t live with someone who hates you, why should she?

ktld · 03/01/2021 23:50

My Mum was like this with me, she absolutely despised me. We now don’t have a relationship, my dad tried his best but didn’t leave her. I now have a lot of confidence, self-esteem issues and a whole lot of anxiety which has impacted on many things in my life.

He’s abusive and it’ll only get worse. I vividly remember all the horrid things my Mum said to me 20 years later and it still hurts.

Leave him, your daughter deserves a happy childhood surrounded by love. People like him don’t change.

Pagan101 · 03/01/2021 23:51

My exh dislike for my DS was the straw that broke the camels back for our relationship: it was the best thing I ever did for my DC.

BilboBercow · 03/01/2021 23:54

This is abuse that your DD will live with forever.
Why are you allowing it to happen?

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 03/01/2021 23:54

This thread is so sad.

How does this happen? Have they ever had a relationship? I’m so sorry for everyone who has experienced this, I can’t imagine it as a child or a parent. OP good luck to you, I have no experience of this but agree with others that this will be damaging enough for her without the support of her mum too - you need to take serious action as soon as possible. I hope that you’re okay, do you have anyone who can support you through this? How old And what is the gender of your other child?

OhCaptain · 03/01/2021 23:54

Wow. You feel awful for her, but not enough to get rid of the nasty, abusive fucker?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2021 23:56

Agree your bed to leave op. At least then she can grow up in a house where she's not being emotionally abused. I'd also look a getting her counseling

AIMD · 03/01/2021 23:57

He needs to change pronto or get out the house.
He is being emotionally abusive....it’s as simple as that. He clearly sees not problem with it either.
You cannot allow this to continue...it’ll affect her whole sense of who she is and her self esteem. How do your other children react?
Does he feel bad about not liking her?

zerrydeeer · 03/01/2021 23:57

I hope to God that you are not sharing a bed with the man that emotionally abuses your child?

zerrydeeer · 04/01/2021 00:00

And all this bullshit about him saying he needs to change. Into what? Fucking superman?!

Men like him don't change, that's why it's up to us to make that change. If you can't get rid of him, at least put your child up for adoption, so that she has a chance of living a better life.

DahliaMacNamara · 04/01/2021 00:00

Your DD's mental health is at risk here, OP, and so is yours. You will start to despise this excuse of a man for his behaviour, then begin to loathe yourself if you stay with him.

80sColourfulChristmas · 04/01/2021 00:04

My Mum hated me as a child (still does) and it’s scarred me for life. I could still cry about it now and I barely speak to her. I still want to scream at her and ask her why, even though I have done already so many times...

Please don’t let this happen to your DD

UniversalAunt · 04/01/2021 00:05

He is abusing your daughter.
He is abusing you by abusing your daughter.

Other things are going on & he behaviour towards his own child is a symptom or manifestation of his disordered thinking, values & behaviours.

You have a duty of care & protection for your children. You have a duty of care to yourself. Act now.

zerrydeeer · 04/01/2021 00:05

I can't believe your asking "What should I do?"

I am honestly speechless!!

80sColourfulChristmas · 04/01/2021 00:05

If he was her Step Dad you wouldn’t hesitate to walk away and would vilify him for it. Why is it tolerated because he’s her biological father???

zerrydeeer · 04/01/2021 00:06

80sColourfulChristmas

I just cannot comprehend Sad

HereIAmOnceAgain · 04/01/2021 00:06

@category12 'Jeez. Either he goes on a parenting course and gets therapy right now, or he's out the door, surely?'

My thoughts too. He either books a parenting course and books therapy as well right away to fix this or you separate and minimise contact with your kids. If sounds to me like your eldest has been scapegoated by her Dad. If something isn't done quickly she is going to be effected by this for the rest of her life. In all likelihood even if he was willing to get counselling, given he can't even see anything wrong with calling an 11 year old a bitch he isn't going to change. You need to protect your daughter and that means he stops emotionally abusing her or you separate.

UniversalAunt · 04/01/2021 00:07

If he is not her biological father, he will have fewer restraints upon his actions towards her.

mizzmelli · 04/01/2021 00:10

He is a disgusting vile bully. Be careful it does not manifest into worse forms of abuse. And kick him him in the bollocks every time you see him. Good luck xx

PurpleMustang · 04/01/2021 00:13

What the hell have I just read! So as her father he has decided he doesn't want to parent the teenager stroppy years (that start WAY before 13) and is favouriting another child in front of her. He is a fucking adult. She is a child and he is being a complete arsehole to a child. What is he going to do when the other one starts getting stroppy too, ditch them both.

grapewine · 04/01/2021 00:17

So she has lived with a father who openly dislikes her since she was 7 or 8 years old?

How have you justified this to yourself for so damn long? Your OP is so awful. Do something. He thinks it's OK to call a child, his child, a bitch and that she deserves such treatment. Show him it isn't, and her that you choose her over him.

Several threads lately with absolutely appaling behaviour from fathers towards their daughters - makes me so angry.

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