Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

I left. Haven't regretted it for a second, but I do regret not doing it a lot earlier.

He continues to fuck with my kids' heads but they now know that at least 1 parent will always have their back 100% and that they have a safe home to retreat to.

I have found having positive male figures in their lives - relatives, friends, coaches etc - has been invaluable in rebuilding their self esteem.

My god - the question is why are you still there? Why are you forcing your 11yo daughter to live with her abuser?

This is one of the most upsetting things I've read on here for a long time. How damaging it must be for such things to happen in a place where you should feel safe. I just hope you realise quickly how serious this is and get out of there soon and do your best to build that broken little girl up again.

Leave him, this man will damage her for life.

I would get you and her into counselling and I'd get him out of the house ASAP.

I can't imagine what I would say or do to any man who spoke to my DD like that, let alone her own father. And what she could possibly do to warrant it. I'm sorry, I would honestly leave him. I feel so sad for your DD. What a contemptible bastard your "D"H is.

I was around the same age as your DD when a girl in the park called me the same name. It was my first experience of being called anything hurtful and negarive and felt like I was punched in the stomach. Have never forgotten that feeling. For her own Dad to make her feel that same way is so sad. Please put her first and build her back up.

Why are you still there after 4 years of him treating her this way? That's your child - I'm honestly stumped. Get the f out now, protect your kids. At 11, lord knows the effect this has already had.

This is awful.

I mean we all have incidents/ ages where the kids are pissing you off. But you still love them! And when saying FFS you focus on the behaviour not them as a person.

I mean even if you go a while feeling like you don't like them. There are difficult ages. And different personalities. But you still love them. And you try to get on as best you can. Because they are your children, you made them and they are reliant on you.

What he's done and is doing is just so wrong. He's acting like she's an equal/ sort of thing. Like a friend. Not his child.

Of course she's upset. You need to leave. It will ruin her self esteem.

Does he know he's doing it? I see many parents with obvious favourites and they don't seem to see what they're doing. It's not as bad as what you describe though.

Calling your 11yo DD a bitch is off the scale awful.

He’s abusing her.
Can you be sure that he is not sexually abusing her too?

By staying you are showing your dd that you don’t disagree with him.

Leave and show your dd that she has at least one person to put her first

I feel awful for her

Maybe you do. But your first concern is for yourself.

I was treated like this as a child. I hate my father and have minimal contact with him. Unfortunately I feel the same about my mother as she enabled him by not protecting me from it. So the same applies to her.

She has missed out on a lot over the years. Grandchildren. Great grandchildren. All because she prioritised a man over her own children.

Think about what your future holds. Your dd will not be 11 forever and she will remember every single time you let her down.

I really think you should ask hi. To leave until he can be a constructive member of the family to everyone in it, and I’m not normally a LTB responder.

I think if he’s openly saying she’s a bitch and he doesn’t like her at 11 - it’s not hard to see what the impact will be by the time she’s 16. Do you know what has sparked this? Could something have happened between them that’s being hidden from you? You say nothing had triggered it but that seems unlikely.

He sounds like a waste of air

Jeeeez. You HAVE to leave him. Your daughter will already be fucked up over this and all you can do now is try to limit the damage by showing her she matters. It's entirely his fault, but you're enabling the behaviour and she may well hate you as much as him when she's older for not protecting her. If it was a one off because he was immensely stressed and she was a pain in the bum and he was absolutely distraught and made it up to her forever, I MAY be able to forgive it as a horrendous act in what was usually a happy relationship. But this is ongoing abuse.

I'd leave him to protect her.

Wow I thought you were going to say she was an adult when I opened this thread and wondered what had gone wrong...!

11?!!!! You have to leave!!! How awful. Emotional abuse without a shadow of a doubt!

Is the child he "likes" a boy? Or much ,much younger?

The thing is you might "feel" it's unacceptable what he does and says, if you don't visibly pull him out on it, demand change or even leave him, your daughter will believe it's ok. She'll even believe that you agree with him, that he's right not to like her. Imagine what did will do to her self esteem.

You need to stand up for your daughter . She's only 11.

What a bastard. this would be marriage ending for me. He is not a good person or a good role model.

Would you like either of your children to treat their future partner this horrendously? Or think that this is how they should be treated by people throughout their life?

No? Stop him doing it then.

Also - document his abuse to her because you might need it in a custody hearing.

Your husband is abusing your daughter. Do you really need to ask what you can do about it?

she deserves it

Please don't let him teach her that. She absolutely does not deserve that treatment and if she goes on thinking she does then her future with relationships looks bleak.

I'd leave.

There's a real issue here which rings alarm bells - he is not treating her like the child she is but like an adult woman who has the temerity to disagree with him. "Bitch" in any case is an insult used by sexist, misogynistic pigs. It is utterly inexcusable to use that language about a vulnerable child. Your DD will be taking her cues about how it is acceptable for men to treat her from her dad's behaviour... the message she is getting atm is not only absolutely awful but may put her at risk later on if she feels it is normal to be disrespected in relationships.

He’s not just going to be horrible to a child in isolation. He’s a disgusting individual and is probably abusive to you too.
Why would you stay with him?

Imagine you saw a thread on here and a teacher had called an 11 year old a bitch. Or a friend had, or a shop worker, a cleaner, a bus driver, a dinnerlady or any other adult at all. You'd be horrified. Why is it okay for her dad? Poor lass.

Bit of leap @nim bit I get why you would flag that 😓