Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

Pressed too soon. Also does he realise that he is teaching her to behave a certain way to gain my time and love, then you are going to watch her walk into an abusive relationship and wonder why? He is ruining her future relationships by how he is behaving

This needs to stop now.
My mother called me a liar and a bitch, a slut and ugly without make-up. I am her favourite child. We have all spent a fortune on therapy, even though we know without a doubt that our Dad loves us.
You could show your husband this thread as a wake-up call, and tell him he has to sort himself out or you will be out with your daughter.
Your poor little girl. Poor you too, because he's put you in a horrible position, but your daughter needs you to help her.

I would leave him. Truthfully I would.

This will have profound and lasting effects on her.
Do not underestimate the impact of knowing a parent doesn’t like you. Having to live with that parent when they then get to show this dislike to you readily just compounds an already miserable situation.

You need to take her away from him.
He is NOT a good father if he behaves like that.
We all find our kids a challenge at times and many of us would acknowledge we find some of our kids easier than others due to personality.
Our role as parents is not to show that and to remain transparent in our love for them even when they wind us up.
He’s nasty. Truly nasty.
This will also damage her relationship with her sibling.

Leave and take your DD with you.

OP?

How's it going? What are your thoughts?

You have said that this has happened in the last 3-4 years. I just wonder whether it is because she has developed her own character and no longer just sweet and cute and willing to go along with his narrative of himself as a nice person. My exH was like this with our eldest. Constantly bickering and midering at her for no reason. Basically he wanted unconditional love but as he was a narcissist he couldn't bare any criticism and was controlling and abusive so as she got older his behaviour towards her got worse.

Oh and the unhealthy dynamic with the scapegoat and golden child might be what is happening between your Dd and the other sibling.

Good God this is not normal.

Does he not recognise he is being a terrible father, or how this will impact on her long term? You need to sit down with him and spell this out and insist he gets whatever is going on in his head sorted. Otherwise I don’t think you can continue to have them both in the same house - it is so cruel.

@princessjasmineofagrabah

Why are you still there after 4 years of him treating her this way? That's your child - I'm honestly stumped. Get the f out now, protect your kids. At 11, lord knows the effect this has already had.

This... why have you allowed her to be abused for all those years ffs

I feel so sorry for your DD and a bit sick.

My DF made it abundantly clear throughout my entire childhood that he didn't like me. And he did like my sister. I have no idea why or what I'd done to make him dislike me so much but he spent my who!e life rolling his eyes at me, snapping at me.. telling me I was utterly despicable is one that has stayed with me from age 9...

I'm in my 50s and when DM says you don't come round much I've eventually told her it's because my Dad makes me feel shit and utterly unwelcome. it is clear that the moment I walk into a room he's irritated and I get I his nerves. if I speak he immediately jumps in to argue or criticise.

Frankly it was a massive relief when my BIL actually pointed it out to my DS because at least I no longer think I'm just being silly - which is the way my DM has always dismissed it.

It's ruined my life in many ways and I have been desperate always for his approval. He has never said anything kind to me.

@SmallHeathShelby, both of your children are suffering great damage from this toxic 'parenting' he is inflicting on them.

The scapegoat and the golden child alike are being used by a man who doesn't care about either of them.

I would suggest you seriously reconsider the future of your relationship with this man if he won't admit he has a problem and won't commit to seeing a therapist and getting his behaviour thoroughly sorted out.

It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears

This struck home with me. He is both trying to distance you from your daughter by making you reticent to be her mother and in her corner, and showing how he thinks she has taken you away from him as your sole interest.

He sees you both as objects to own or discard. He owns you and wants to discard the ‘thing’, your precious DD, that stops you focussing only on him.

If your No 1 concern is genuinely her you need to divorce him.

Get her abuser out of her life or you are as bad as he is. And it will have an incredibly damaging long term effect on her.

YY to that @Homebird8.

You have a toxic man on your hands, @SmallHeathShelby.

You have decisions to make.

Hate to say it but the fact the OP hasn't come back at all could this be a hopeful troll post? It's been four years this has been going on, surely you'd of left after the first few months of it?. My mum made it clear my brothers were her favourites.
As a grown woman myself now we barely talk and it always seems so forced.

Agree that he's damaging both children, in different ways.

This has been going on since she was seven. You need to get both children out of this situation now. Allowing this to happen is a kind of abuse in itself. And you are carrying it out by leaving her in this situation.

I've been that child, and while I accepted it at the time, as an adult I now wonder why on earth the father I loved so much allowed me to be treated that way.

My father vocally didn't like me either when I was as a child. He seemed to deeply resent the fact I lived and his preferred child had died. It was came to a head in my teens when he was living in a different country and there was radio silence between us for a few glorious years.

Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her.

I got that, albeit a bit older than your daughter at 16. He told my mother he didn't want to be seen in public with me. I think she thought I couldn't hear the things he was saying but I was sitting in the next room and his bellowing that he hoped I got pregnant and ruined my life was rather hard to miss.

My parents marriage did eventually break down, for a whole host of reasons. Parents who behave like that towards their kids are unlikely to be the best of partners either, are they?

That kind of behaviour is absolutely ruinous for the child's self-confidence and ability to navigate relationships with others.

@NovemberR

I feel so sorry for your DD and a bit sick.

My DF made it abundantly clear throughout my entire childhood that he didn't like me. And he did like my sister. I have no idea why or what I'd done to make him dislike me so much but he spent my who!e life rolling his eyes at me, snapping at me.. telling me I was utterly despicable is one that has stayed with me from age 9...

I'm in my 50s and when DM says you don't come round much I've eventually told her it's because my Dad makes me feel shit and utterly unwelcome. it is clear that the moment I walk into a room he's irritated and I get I his nerves. if I speak he immediately jumps in to argue or criticise.

Frankly it was a massive relief when my BIL actually pointed it out to my DS because at least I no longer think I'm just being silly - which is the way my DM has always dismissed it.

It's ruined my life in many ways and I have been desperate always for his approval. He has never said anything kind to me.

This is very painful reading... 😔

I'm so sorry 🌺

How often is he mean to her? Is he speaking up because you favour her to other child? Does she get away with causing trouble with younger child? Is their more to this maybe he has had enough of her causing upset with younger child then you pander to her (yes this does happen) if not then his behaviour needs dealing with (leave him or family counselling) if you favour her and let her get away with everything then that needs dealing with he obviously can't put up with it any longer an is taking it out on her. Every1 quick enough to blame him yes he is being a bully but there might be reasons that can solved. If he is just being a bully then get rid not sure why you would put up with it for so long.

He's a horrid man. That's a properly nasty way to treat a child and will affect her whole life. Protect both your children and get rid.

He has to leave !!!!!

Simple!

You are as vile as him. You have let someone treat your child like this for years?! Wtaf?? Your allowing this. Your daughter is better off without both of you if her own mother won't protect her from her own father

There is no need for a pile on.

Look on the OP as a slowly boiling frog. These things never happen continuously. There are always moments when you don't think things are so bad, always the hope that everything will improve. Optimism is never a good friend in a sitaution where there is abuse but it is a protective impulse - the alternative is often very bleak. Sometimes a victim needs to hit rock bottom before the veil is lifted from her eyes. I suspect the OP has hit that spot, hence her post.

My dad didn’t DISLIKE me but just wasn’t interested in me, in the way that he was interested in my brothers (I’m the only girl). He was completely apathetic to me and I can tell you it’s really damaged me. I’m 36 now and still feel
It. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if he actively disliked me. Pls protect her!

This would be a safeguarding concern if school find out about it.

You need to do something.

Does he think your youngest child is not his? Why does he treat her differently and how long has this been going on? How can you live with him, have sex with him, knowing he is making everyday of your daughter's life miserable. I could not see one of my children treated like this especially by her own father. If I had to choose between one ofy DC or an abusive husband I would choose my child every time. You are all your youngest child has to protect her, she is only 11, and you see it happening and don't stop it. You are enabling abuse of your dd. Wake up and kick him out. I bet she won't want contact with her Dad.