Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

Please don’t be the mother who just deals with a hard situation like this by just trying to appease your husband. I haven’t been in your daughter’s situation or anything as bad as some MNers describe their family life but even in my family any issue I brought to my mother of being screamed at or called names by my father or sibling unprovoked was never met with any sympathy or response that said I didn’t deserve it, only advice that maybe I was responsible and should do better.

This will be damaging for your daughter. From how you describe your husband’s response he doesn’t seem emotionally mature and so I’m not sure he will understand or care about the long term damage. It’s only going to get worse when she becomes a teenager.

It’s difficult but you really need to do more. Leaving him would be best for your daughter.

I grew up with this too. My mum made no secret of the fact that she didn't like me. She called me names, sneered at me, mocked me and humiliated me etc.

I'm now 45.

I've never been loved my entire life. By anyone. I don't know how to be. I don't feel I belong I feel guilty for the space I take up. I've never had a loving relationship. I don't have the confidence to progress at work. I feel uncomfortable around friends and colleagues. My greatest fear is that other people will see me the way my parents did, or say the things my parents did, so i avoid getting too close.

Please don't let this be your daughter's life too

@lovelemoncurd

The op buggered off! Hopefully she's putting her daughter first!

In the other thread she started, she doesn't have dc!

I had/ have a similar relationship with my parents op. I was certainly
Not the favourite and my parents ( esp mother) response to anything was to whack me on the shoulders / back or legs and scream in my face. My dads response was to grab me by the neck/ collar and scream in my face until I wet myself) my 'parents' have never been happy for me, not once in my entire life.
We live in different countries which makes it easy to avoid each other. Currently pregnant but won't tell them until near the end as they cannot try to guilt trip me to have an abortion then .
My father never initiates contact with me and my mother wonders why I never talk to her , keep her updated on my life or send her a birthday gift etc.
Seriously op you do not want this kind of a relationship with your dd when she is older.

KatherineJaneway
This op isn’t the same. She commented on a post. However, it is fair to comment this op is a brand new poster. Could be a name change obvs.

Op didn't start another thread. She replied to one about receiving the "silent treatment" from a partner. She mentions worrying about her kids being exposed to ot when she is not there.

If the op is real, it is no surprise to see she is probably in an abusive relationship on her own account. Behaviour described here is rarely in isolation.

I would suggest you consider putting her up for long term fostering

That’s ridiculous advice
Out of the frying pan ...
lord

Your poor DD. She will have some serious issues for the rest of her life if this carries on. Your husband is an abusive knob and I would LTB, and I don't say that lightly. Your DD should come first as she is still a child and your husband should act like an actual grown up and stop being a bullying fucktard.

Yesterday while helping our DD do some messy activity that he didn’t want her to she was in the kitchen not doing any harm, I heard him from the other room call her “a stupid cow” ears pricked up and I walked in to the kitchen and said want did you say, I got a blank look from him and he repeated his sentence but with out the cow on the end, I finished up the activity she was doing with her and gave her a little encouragement with it, she’s 9!!!!! I don’t think she understood so didn’t take much notice of the words....
I was already weighing up if to leave or not but this seals the deal he will not speak to my child this way!
I spoke to him about it after she went to bed and explained that name calling from a dad is not normal he should be the one building her up, she’s a strong opinionated 9 year old and will argue a good fight if she needs to and this is what he doesn’t like, he doesn’t understand that she needs to be able to fight her way through life but she is respectful.
He’s close with his mum and would be disgusted if anyone called her a name.
I have no words for him and honestly I don’t know how I didn’t lose my shit with him, he’s tail between legs at the moment but not because of what he did because he knows I am very upset with him!
OP seriously think about separating, I will not allow my daughter to be spoken to that way and neither should yours x

So basically he has created a scapegoat vs golden child dynamic. One child that can never do anything right. And yet the others are let be or perhaps even over praised.

It is abusive. And unfortunately leaving him is the only way to show your daughter that he is wrong about her and his behaviour is unacceptable. If you stay with him she will begin to internalise his words because in her mind- clearly her mother is siding with him.

exDH was like this with our eldest, hence the ex.

DC1 is much happier that his dad is not here all the time and, amazingly, the relationship between him and exDH has improved massively.

I honestly could not be ok with this in any form , your husband doesn’t like your 11 year old daughter , that’s absolutely vile of him, you cannot let this continue , you are both going to destroy her emotionally / mentally , I would tell him to get in therapy to work through his dislike of your daughter or you’ll leave , this is not something he can just say then nothing is done about it

I honestly think you should get him the fuck out of your life and don't let your child be subjected to this any longer! It's an awful position for you, it really is but do you honestly love someone who is saying that yo and about your child?

Is this is biological child? How can you stay with a man who treats a child like this. Do you know the issues she will have as an adult.

It is abusive, both him doing it and you staying and allowing her to be subjected to it.

You need to leave with her. She is impotent. She is a child. She cannot leave of her own accord. You need to protect her.

Is the other child a boy? Does he have sisters?

I remember the behaviour changing in my DDs when they were 7, when bitching in friendships become more apparent etc, it seems to be a common age in girls for their personalities to grow stronger etc however that does not excuse his behaviour at all and unless he wants to work at building his relationship with her I'd be showing him the door.

@nimbuscloud

He’s abusing her. Can you be sure that he is not sexually abusing her too?

This is the first thing that popped into my head.

Op why are you with him, if anyone spoke to my kids like that husband or not they’d be thrown out the door quicker than their feet could carry them

Hi Op
Your husband is an Arsehole !

You need to ditch divorce your Husband A.s.a.p

Your role as a mother is to protect your daughter from her extremely emotional Abusive Prick of a husband.

I tell you what frightens me if you stay any longer with your Husband
This Toxic cycle of Abuse
Will continue and your Daughter when grown up
Could end up in Toxic Co dependancy marriage with a emotionally abusive Cruel Arsehole of a husband.
Just like yours Op
Just like her father/or step father
See how easily this family dynamic pattern can repeat itself.?😬

Either leave or start saving up for her therapy. Seriously that is appalling, I don’t know how you can stand to look at him after that.

Like pp I also thought about sexual abuse. A man that can think of an 11 year old CHILD as a bitch is seriously messed up in the head. He is at best deeply misogynistic.

Op
I am just wondering whether your Arsehole of a husband is weirdly emotionally abusing your daughter,to deflect as a smokescreen
To disguise that your husband is sexually abusive towards her in some way..!!!😕

I really hope the OP comes back and assures us that she will leave this man (today!) And save her daughter from the continuing emotional abuse.

@nimbuscloud

He’s abusing her. Can you be sure that he is not sexually abusing her too?

This is exactly the first thing that popped into my mind. I have personal experience of this and I'm still struggling.

You need to protect her from the man who is making her life a misery. He doesn't deserve to be in her life.

Thanks for the reports about this thread. We can see that the OP's deregistered her account by now so won't be returning to the thread. We're going to close the thread shortly but we won't delete it unless the OP asks us to, as we can see there are some helpful, supportive posts - admittedly some a bit more blunt than others.

We also wanted to add a link to our page on coercive control for the OP and anyone in a similar situation.