Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

I'm sorry OP if it was a once off/in the heat of the moment comment and he was contrite then it's forgivable, but considering this is a pattern that's been going on 3/4 years then IMP there really is no other option but to leave him for the sake of your DDs well-being.

This will be doing untold damage to her self-esteem. My dad had a similar opinion of my youngest sister. He just seemed to never like her. She was a somewhat difficult child admittedly but still it was awful how he spoke to her at times - similar to your husband "that little bitch" etc. it caused very real damage to her. All of us are no contact with him now for different reasons, but she went NC as a young teenager after begging my mother to divorce him, she literally begged. Even though I love my mother and she meant well, she failed her to be honest by waiting so long and allowing it to continue.

Not only will it impact your DDs relationship with her father, it will impact yours too. My sister went from being a complete and utter mummy's girl as a child to moving country as quick as she could and while their relationship has improved in adulthood it's still strained. My mum overcompensates with her out of guilt and it irritates my sister and she's so very rude to my mother at times as she has all this pent up anger. Sadly they'll never be close again I imagine.

What's he like generally? I imagine there's more to this man. How is your relationship with him?

Oh op your poor DD. You have to nmake it clear to him that if he doesn't change then you are leaving with the kids.

My DD is 11 and if anyone ever called her that I'd rip them to pieces. She is learning what is acceptable from men through the way her dad treats her this isn't okay and will screw her up.

my mother was like this with me, she made it very clear that she didn't like me.

I have very low self-esteem that has seriously affected my relationships, friendships and career. I do not feel worthy, capable or likeable. I don't feel that I deserve nice things or success when nicer people than me go without. I have thought about taking my life, it's been that bad (not at the moment).

Don't let your DD end up like me, please. Protect her.

There is something very very wrong with a grown man who treats an 11 year old child like this. If you don't protect your child from this awful behaviour she will never forgive you.

What the actual fuck is wrong with him? He's an adult. Its irrelevant if he likes his children or not, he has responsibility for how he behaves towards them.
What he is doing is straight out of the abusers manual.

www.acesconnection.com/blog/the-cinderella-phenomenon-when-one-child-is-the-target-of-abuse

Is this the only time this has happened ? If so then you obviously need to have a huge and serious chat about everything going forward . His comments suggests to me that you are too lenient with her - are you ?

I think you need to do something very soon. Is there any reason for this hateful behaviour. So sad

Please believe me when I say this will escalate and you need to leave this abusive man right now. I endured years of snippy comments and arguments between my STBXH and my DD. I now have a court case to attend as the result of my STBXH attacking my daughter resulting in actual bodily harm. She is damaged beyond repair and the guilt I carry daily from turning a blind eye to what was going on will be with me until the day I die. I am currently divorcing the abusive wanker but I just wish he had hurt me and not my lovely daughter. Leave now or get him to leave. It’s your only option.

So he's been like this since she was 7? SEVEN?

My heart hurts at the damage that has already been done. It will continue unless you actually start protecting her. He needs to go. You need to 'choose' your child because I guarantee that she will always see it as you didn't think she was worth protecting if you don't.

He sounds like my dad. I am very nice and polite to him, I mean I am in my 40s now. But I hated him, he ruined my childhood, I do not love him and once my mum dies I will severe ties.

I would suggest that if you are allowing a grown man to call your 11 year old a bitch, you are also failing to protect her and therefore neglecting her needs. I hope she finds help before she self harms. I still have my scars.

I could not love or respect a man who treated my child this way. Honestly stand up and show your daughter you have her back.

Absolutely disgusted to read this. That he would treat a child this way and that you have allowed him to do so, by remaining in a relationship with him.

Shame on the both of you. Now make things right for your child.. finally!!
Show him the door and get her some counselling to deal with the emotional impact this will have had on her. I am so sad for her.

My heart would be broken if DH did this to our DD. I’m sorry he’s so awful. You can’t do anything but to leave and issue an ultimatum on the conditions of your return. Your DD has been utterly let down by one parent, you must back her up no matter what.

You should not stay in a marriage where your poor daughter’s dad calls her a bitch. This will do massive damage to her. Get her out of that situation as soon as you can.

@Thedarknightsaredrawingin

I could not love or respect a man who treated my child this way. Honestly stand up and show your daughter you have her back.

This. I would find him absolutely repellent for behaving this way. Even one outburst would make me think twice about who he was as a a person, but actively disliking his own child for four years? I mean, don't you look at him and just think... what a complete cunt. Then look at your daughter and think... what a poor girl made to feel like shit regularly by someone who is meant to protect and empower her.

He's embarrassing, picking on an eleven year old girl (well, seven year old when it started). He's a joke.

You should want better for her.

I just imagine her future and how she will relate to blokes in the future. I can’t imagine a dad saying that to his child. She’s 11, fgs. Is she really so awful?

Wow This really is terrible. I feel so sad for your daughter. Your husband sounds like a absolute monster. By doing nothing you are allowing him to abuse her. Please please protect her. She is a child.

Please protect her current and future mental health and leave him. That poor girl.
My dad was horribly aggressive and sometimes violent towards me when I was younger and I ended up going from abusive relationship to abusive relationship as that was how I'd always known men in my life to be.
My dad is amazing now but I don't fully trust him with my children and I still resent my mum for not protecting me.

This happened on Friday, he’s given her a half-apology today, and you still have him in the house?

You need to take a good hard look at yourself.

Not to justify it but is she difficult?

Fuck. Off.

How did this start? And what is he like otherwise? (And be honest with yourself when answering this question.) There might be some situations where this is salvageable - with individual or family therapy - but not if he is just an arsehole.

Your child is being damaged every day.

Whether you like it or not, you need to pack his bags and tell him to fuck off.

We have to stand up for our kids fist and foremost. It's absolutely extreme for a father to say outright that they don't like their child. It's just not acceptable.

Well, op. What are your thoughts now ?. Still thinking you can justify your relationship with this man ?

My mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. 41 years later myself and my two brothers still have no idea why she did.

I have never forgiven her and have barely seen her in the last 20 years.

He will reap what he has sown.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'

Your Husband is abhorrent and your DD needs protecting from his crushing of her self-esteem. The kind of man who would do this to a child is not worth having. Not under any circumstances.

Years of this is what your DD has to look forward too, if you don't do the right thing now. & in future you will lose her too - she will get as far from you and he as possible.

This, also:

MessAllOver
There's a real issue here which rings alarm bells - he is not treating her like the child she is but like an adult woman who has the temerity to disagree with him. "Bitch" in any case is an insult used by sexist, misogynistic pigs

I don't think he likes or respects you much either, OP. Please take care of yourself and DD. Get rid of him. There is help out there.