Husband doesn't like our daughter

[SmallHeathShelby]

Hes had a strained relationship with her for the past 3-4 years, nothing really triggered it, he just doesnt like her. He acts differently towards our younger child, sometimes very obviously and she is very aware of this.

New years eve he said she was being a btch after the kids were bickering. I objected, he said 'if the cap fits'. Shes 11! She got upset, understandably and when I pointed it out, his response was 'good, she deserves it. It's another opportunity for you to run and mop her tears'.

I feel awful for her. He stayed out of everybody's way new years day, didnt speak and when I asked if he was going to apologise to her he said no, why should he?? Had a row about it and he said he was having nothing to do with her and he didnt like her. I cant understand how he can be like this and say such things and made it clear he'd crossed a line.

He gave her a basic apology (literally 'sorry for what I said, it was out of order') today but she doesnt feel like he meant it and he spent the rest if the day in silence again.

What do I do? My number 1 concern is her obviously.im worried about the long term effect this will have on her 😕

And you day this has been happening for 3 or 4 years? So from when she was 7 years old then? You know this and yet not kicked him out. If you.wont support your dd and leave him I would suggest you consider putting her up for long term fostering where her emotional needs will be met. She is learning and sounds like over 3 or 4 years that she does not matter and no one loves her enough to do something to protect and make her feel loved and cared for. I am a foster carer and I have seen several children who have been emotionally abused and they often take longer to heal than those physically or sexually abused. The longer she suffers the harder it will be for her to learn to trust and feel valued again. Between you she is being destroyed.

I agree, this is emotional abuse.

I think most people who experience this become distant to the other parent too if they don't firmly side with them.

I agree with previous posters that you need to leave your partner. Nothing else if going to be okay for your daughter, including when she looks back on this as an adult.

OP
Genuine question- why do you let this happen?
Were you treated badly as a child too?

Honestly if it’s like this when she’s 11 it will only get worse. I think you need to leave him.

My father was awful to me and my mother never challenged him. In fact she expected me to change to appease him. As a teen and young adult I loathed my father but since I’ve had children of my own I’ve really focused on the decisions my mother made not to protect me. Now she complains that I don’t visit a lot and I think she made her choices back then and now she has to live with them. My father died years ago so she’s alone. And the golden child has followed her example of getting into a dysfunctional marriage where he is completely downtrodden so he has no time to see mum either.

So yes, the relationship with her father will be destroyed but when she’s older you might find she rejects you too unless you act in her interests.

@SmallHeathShelby Please put your child first and leave. This is absolutely awful.

It does awful damage OP. I was lucky to have a lovely grandmother who bolstered my self esteem but her daughter (my mother) was awful. To the point where Granny told me at 16 to make sure I got away from her when I was older 'because there's something wrong with her and I don't know what it is. The problem's not you'. My father just backed Mum up and he was aggressive too. I'm not in contact with either parent now.

I hate people calling young girls bitches. It's vile and sexist.

What a scumbag if he's bullying a child in her own home. Protect your daughter, 3-4 years is an obscene amount of time for this to have been going on for.

Protect your daughter. That's your job. Leave this abusive twat.

My dh was treated differently to his two brothers as a child. His parents had 3 children in 3 years all boys. He said he was a good child. He got A grades all through school, was seriously good at sports and when he got really good O levels his Dad said he had to get a job and leave school. He went to live with his Aunty and Uncle stayed on to Sixth Form and did his A levels, Engineering degree and later became an accountant then worked his way up Civil Service. He has paid his Aunty and Uncle back a hundred fold buying his Uncle a new car and going to see him regularly and he treats his Aunty to all sorts, whereas he barely speaks to his parents and even though they are very poor and he could easily help them out he says he does not want to. He only invited his parents to our wedding because I insisted and worried his brothers would not come if parents not invited and to avoid upsetting his Gran who was lovely to him. He told me once it he did not have his Aunty and Uncle to support him he would have been forced into a dead end job. He thinks that is why his Dad hates him, because he is clever and done well for himself and his Dad is not smart. His brothers are not very smart so their Dad could like them. He said when he showed his dad his O level results he said ' one day you will come a cropper'. His Mum never disagreed with her husband even though she sometimes got upset and told my dh to keep out of his Dad's way.

Logically, if you started dating a man and he called your daughter a bitch- you would immediately tell him to leave and that would be that. It is not different because he is her father, in fact it is worse because it is his job to care for her. This wasn’t an off the cuff remark made out of anger, he meant it and kicked up a fuss about apologising. I dread to think what would happen if she told a friend or somebody at school that her dad hates her and called her a bitch, I can’t imagine SS would think too highly of you for allowing it either if I am perfectly honest. I think you know what needs to be done, he’s treated her like this since 7 years old that is terribly sad for this poor girl

Leave him.

I’m not trying to be dramatic when I say you’re daughter will and is at risk of depression.
If she takes her life. You’ll wish you’d left.

You’ve got nothing to lose but an arsehole.

This is very nasty behaviour from your Husband, and will affect your daughter big time, as it sounds like it's not just a one off incident. There must be a reason why he is nasty like this. Is he that stupid and unknowing how his bad behaviour can affect a young child ?

Hey, you know, I'm wondering about your guy's relationships in the family he grew up in? I'm wondering if he's jealous of your connection with your daughter.? And if he feels like he's missing out on something that really matters to him?

It's tough being a Mum, covering all the emotional and home bases and maybe working too! But men don't always get this - they usually marry someone they connect with emotionally and sexually - and someone who they expect will continue to fulfil these basic needs throughout the relationship.

I know heaps of people who have been through jealousy of a child (sometimes they're the jealous ones) - always because they've lost something. Some Mums keep the kids in the bed to keep husband off them!

It's wrong he's taking something out on your daughter. BUT if you want an ongoing marriage where the grandkids and families visit, then you need to find a way to sort this out.

It's important you FIND SOME SPACE TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT. Here's some ideas that others on this forum might want to build on too??

= Did he ever expect to find himself doing this?

= Work out when it first started and what brough it on?

= Remind him of the great guy you fell in love with and that this is a real surprise and a worrying one.
= Maybe ask if there's something you guys could change in the way you're doing things that would help it stop?

Can you ask someone to mind the kids for an hour (limit it to this - and do it again in a couple days time perhaps) while you guys go for a walk (get out of the house). You could just broach that you would like to talk about it but not in one big emotional hit (guys run a mile from this).

Just a few thoughts : ) . GOOD LUCK YOU CAN SORT IT OUT!

If he thinks it's acceptable to publicly treat her like this, how does he treat her when he thinks noone is looking?

Assuming you're not a troll ...

He's either interested in his daughter in an unhealthy way and is disguising it with this weird behaviour
Or
Your daughter bullies your other kids and you don't do anything about it (you are both crap parents if that is the case, he can deal with it another way rather than calling her names)
Or
Your other kids are boys and he's sexist

I would look at his childhood - what's his mother or sister like, was there some sort of sexual abuse in his childhood , to him/ by him, and Dd is reminding him of it ( subconsciously). Both of you attending counselling might unravel this, but he needs to leave meanwhile.

How the hell dod you allow for this to happen for 3-4 bloody years? Your poor dd. That is absurd and is going to scar her for life. Please choose you dd over your dh please.

The op buggered off! Hopefully she's putting her daughter first!

I am the scapegoat with my mother and my brother the golden child. My father was not around much. But to some extent it was the reverse. But this was not mitigated much as he lived vicariously through my brother so in many ways I was doubly the scapegoat. My father was physically violent with my brother on several occasions. And my brother was regularly physically violent and abusive with me. I was controlled by both him and my mother, who did not stop him. This is how dysfunctional families work.

When my father died, I was still a child and for many many years I believed it would have been easier had he lived and the other way round. Since reaching my 40’s, I realised either parent being alive or dead would not have made a difference to my life. Both my parents are / were flawed. This has affected me all my life. I am nc with my brother. My mother literally witnessed him being violent to me and yet still denies it.

I have no respect for either my dead father or my mother. What they achieved is so tainted by how far they damaged their children. I am not close to my mother and I now realised I wouldn’t have been close to him either. The closeness I thought I felt was childish, immature, a reaction to getting crumbs of love from him and could not have lasted as I matured. Is this what you want for your children? And what you want for your relationship with them?

If you can’t separate from this man for your dd’s sake, do it for the future relationship you won’t have with her when she grows up and realised her father was abusive and her mother allowed it. Her mother neglected her.

Has he done this alot or has it just started? Here's an article that could be useful down the track, and a website you may want to point dh to:

www.fatherly.com/parenting/how-to-raise-happy-teenage-daughter/

Wow.
I feel so awful for her and for you too.
A dad is a massive male role model to a daughter and that could set the tone for her adult life. If he doesn’t respect her that’s not a good start.

How is she feeling after all of this?

My Dad started to be quite rude to me around the same age, he was very insulting and I found it incredibly difficult to move on. He continued to be that way and to say it’s scarred me for life, I have had a rocky relationship with him. I now don’t talk to him at all.

You definitely need to find where his behaviour is coming from - for me, I felt like my dad just didn’t want me to grow up. Perhaps because he knew what some men (including himself) could be like.

Has he ever been that way towards you?

As pp have said, bad parenting can scar a child for life. Your DDs father is a bad parent to her, so you need to step up. She didn't choose to be born so at least one of her parents should look out for her.

I asked what his relationship was with his Dm but it could be that his DF left or similar when he was DD's age and his anger is underlying his behaviour.