I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

@AcornAutumn all jobs around me are minimum wage or under £18k for full time with no degree. That’s why I want to go back to uni so I can actually get one of good pay. The one I used to be was 16k. I don’t have the qualifications to get a higher paid job

go to the council and present as homeless.

get a letter from your mum saying no room there (not untrue)

do not move in with him.That will be an absolute disaster.

@Snowtimex7 you've said yourself any time money is mentioned he gets angry and shuts the conversation down.

That will not change, neither (at 30) will his horrific spending habits

Every single person on this thread has told you do not move in with him. But you seem hell bent on not listening to anyone so what exactly is it you actually want from this post?

The sofa - you say 'case closed' but that case was 'obvious example and proof of your own total irresponsibility with money'. So yes, QED.

[quote lottiegarbanzo]£1,200 on a sofa!!! That's incredible. You can get really good quality sofas and sofa-beds for

[quote Snowtimex7]@AcornAutumn all jobs around me are minimum wage or under £18k for full time with no degree. That’s why I want to go back to uni so I can actually get one of good pay. The one I used to be was 16k. I don’t have the qualifications to get a higher paid job[/quote]
But uni costs a fortune and there is no guarantee of good pay at the end. Plenty of graduates are on minimum wage.

I realise you will pay back uni after, but in the meantime, what will you live on? Your DP would have to change a lot for this to be feasible.

You should be much more concerned than you are about ending up destitute and without a roof over your baby’s head. That’s where you stand to be after a few months living with someone who isn’t working, when you aren’t either, and who spends money like water.

You’ve made poor choices up to now, but it’s not too late to put that right. But by taking on a house when neither of you has an income, and him showing no signs of wanting to work, you are setting yourselves up for even worse credit ratings, defaulting on your rent and ending up with CCJs, and finding it very hard to find housing for your child. Yes, the council would have to house you if you presented as a homeless single mother, but it wouldn’t be in the sort of place you can keep your £1200 sofa.

From what you say here you shouldn’t bank on being able to run home to your mum if it all goes wrong. I’m sure she’d help you now if you decide to leave him and go it alone, but if you insist on making this stupid decision she’d be quite right to refuse you back when it all goes wrong.

You need a serious think about what you’re doing to set up a secure family life for your child. At the moment you sound like a couple of children yourselves.

Do not move in with him, under no circumstances consider marriage. If I were you, I’d ditch him now while you aren’t financially stuck, as this is only going to lead to disaster.

This statement also concerns me

"Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me. "

Why on earth would he get angry that you want to sort finances?

Incidentally, my tip for the future on finding things like the sofa, is to shop second-hand in wealthier areas, where people can be very generous with very nice things that they're keen to get rid of quickly (because they have a new one coming). All the online options make this so easy.

All you need is a 'man with a van', which will cost

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

There are no magic words anyone can give you to change who he is and how he behaves.

This is not within your power to fix and doubling down is going to get you into a worse situation.

Can you cover the cost of your new joint tenancy alone? If not, what are you going to do when he still can't pay?

How were you planning to pay rent when you moved in together?
Was he expecting you to pay for everything; the rent, council tax, food and everything for your baby together?
Was he just planning to stay on universal credit and work on the side?
He needs to look for a proper job and you both need to give your heads a wobble for wasting money on a sofa. It hardly helped your situation to waste money like that.

Thats another good point, rent arrears will do nothing to improve the score you're trying to fix.

@lottiegarbanzo we chose to get the sofa as I am maternity was due back in March but the recent emails from them are horrific. Also. He had just done many jobs at that time and I believed everything was going to be ok

I am really sorry OP...all of us tried to help...you do as you like its totally your decision.Good luck I really hope it all works out for you.And I really hope your boyfriend turns out to be the best partner and dad ever who like most partners and husbands work bloody hard to provide and put their families first.Mine does he is on a 12 hour night shift right now in the freezing cold and has been for the last 3 nights then he has 2 days off and does it all again..its a shit job,shit hours,he is cold and knackered and totally brassed off with it day in day out but he does it for us not for him for us..me and our daughter. Would yours in all honesty ever do the same for you? hope for all your sakes he would.

[quote Snowtimex7]@lottiegarbanzo we chose to get the sofa as I am maternity was due back in March but the recent emails from them are horrific. Also. He had just done many jobs at that time and I believed everything was going to be ok[/quote]
Oh, so you have a job to return to? This is good. Why are the emails horrific?

he sounds like my ex. I moved in with him. 2 years later I moved out. that was 12 years ago and I've only just paid off the debts he left me in.
council tax, rent, electric, loans and a credit card in my name.
He used my details to get credit then when I left, the joint debt and banks chased me. He disappeared leaving me to organise paying off.
Banks and the council don't give a shit if it was all in his name. If you lived with him at the address you're culpable and they will arrest your wages/benefits to pay it back.
Don't move in with him.
You want advice on how to speak to him? Doesn't matter what you say, he doesn't care. You cannot change someone who does not want to change. He's told you he doesn;t. Listen.
Listen to the advice on here-you've had great advice.

earn plenty, as does my husband, and we spent £500 on a sofa and have one take away a month

Not to want to sound all millennial avocado about this, but same here. We are in the top 15%—20% ish of the uk in terms of total household income, in our 50s, own a house in a cheap area and STILL wouldn’t consider spaffing over a grand on a sofa.

No. You cannot spend money you don't have - but dream or believe you might have one day. Even if you had both in work, it was, as you have said very clearly, not the kind of well-paid work that affords £1k+ sofas. Plus, no-one, absolutely no-one, needs to spend that much on a sofa. Not when they're starting out in life. Not when they have other things to save for. It was pure profligacy and demonstrates that you're a bit of a dreamer and a spendthrift too.

The biggest and best thing you can do is separate yourself from him financially.

But you do also need to get yourself some financial education, learn about budgeting, prioritising and saving.

Saving yourself and your baby will be hard enough work. You can't save this man.

@AcornAutumn they don’t want me to return. Made sure of that in my final months before leaving. The moment they found out I was pregnant My job was made more stressful to try and make me leave. Including holidays and bonus’s without including me. Of course I don’t have the proof. The emails haven’t been bad. Just reminding me of the person who has replaced me and asking stupid questions. The phone calls aren’t great. Work email has been deleted, my phone given to someone else. Apparently customers have been told I’ve been fired. Again no one will put it in writing. But I get statutory maternity so I’ve just not said anything.

I used to be inna financial advisory capacity. Mark my words: people like him do NOT change. He will drag you and your child down.

Get away from him, swallow pride & take family help, establish a solid career.

Just because we are attracted to someone doesn't mean they are a suitable partner. Be ruthless now while time is on your side.

Not to want to sound all millennial avocado about this

Sounding “millennial avocado” about something is the best phrase!

Stay put! Register for social housing. Are the debts all in his name? Don't get dragged down with him, will not end well

[quote Snowtimex7]@AcornAutumn they don’t want me to return. Made sure of that in my final months before leaving. The moment they found out I was pregnant My job was made more stressful to try and make me leave. Including holidays and bonus’s without including me. Of course I don’t have the proof. The emails haven’t been bad. Just reminding me of the person who has replaced me and asking stupid questions. The phone calls aren’t great. Work email has been deleted, my phone given to someone else. Apparently customers have been told I’ve been fired. Again no one will put it in writing. But I get statutory maternity so I’ve just not said anything.[/quote]
It sounds like you need to look at your employment rights

If you know where the bodies are buried, you could maybe get a payout.

However, I will say adieu, I don't feel convinced you really want to sort your issues so it feels like a waste of time making suggestions.

@BillMasheen I obviously can’t take it back now. Nothing is going to change it

millennial avocado I do need to use this more often though 😂