I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

Do not share anything like banks!! Please don't. Do not incurr any more than you can afford in your own name.

I have a DRO because of debts incurred in my relationship that, after therapy and looking at the whole thing, realise were not my debts but his. I stupidly let things spiral due to having a baby and not paying attention and ended up in a total whirlwind of anxiety and depression. I have finally taken back control over a year ago and live on my own and will not share finances with anyone ever again.

@Snowtimex7
“ Right the sofa issue. It was just over £1k. The other 200 was to replace something that I’m not even going to mention. Ours fell through. We sat on a sofa bed for 2 months. We looked on marketplace and people were selling sofas 4 years old for like £600. Any cheap had pets and my partner is badly allergic as well as the health scares we had when my child was born we decided not to risk it. We bought a new one in the Black Friday sale and it was delivered within 7 days. Can’t be returned. Won’t get our money back on marketplace. We have it. We use it. I wasn’t aware of the severe debt when I purchased. Cased closed”

Firstly, this post shouldn’t just be about how to speak with your partner re debt and issues with money. It should be about your own issues with managing money as clearly, you aren’t making wise financial decisions.
The £200 you have spent on something you “won’t even mention” is probably something which you also didn’t need. Hence the reason why you won’t mention.
You could have got a sofa from IKEA( I have them and they are comfortable) for less than what you have spent.
You are both living way beyond your means.

Secondly, you need to change your attitude. Your post reeks of self righteousness and frankly, just non very nice- only ever being nice to those who give you the advice you wanted to hear in the first place, reinforcing your idea that you know best.
Thirdly- no, the “case is not closed”. In fact it is just “opened” in the form of a life full arguments over money, debt, potential homelessness and your poor child stuck in the middle, and father who is too lazy to provide for is family because he is too busy spending money he doesn’t have.
I am a single parent to my 3 year old and have been since my pregnancy and although it’s not been perfect, I would do it all over again rather than being with someone irresponsible.

You both need to change your ways for the sake of your child.

Ps: I hope your mum’s surgery goes well.

@Snowtimex7 you've answered absolutely everything except the PP's telling you not to move in with this man

@UnionistMum yes I got a bit heated. There’s a lot of bad comments. I made a mistake and I clearly can’t take it back. I’ve called the company they won’t refund. I’m not going to sell it for half the price.

I don’t want to be a single parent the same my mum was. She was amazing but she struggled and I have only recently got in contact with my dad. I love him we just need to get through this. It’s his side and my side and it shouldn’t be. I just wanted guidance not hate

Thank you about my mother. It was postponed again. Hoping something comes up for her as soon as.

This thread is nuts. We had our DD at about the same age as you, she's 2.5 now. We were in a precarious financial situation initially but with joint finances, no formal debt, we lived within our means and were sensible and practical and now we are in a much more stable position with a much higher household income and should be on the property ladder within another couple of years. Your whole attitude to money though sounds like the issue here, you and your DH. Who the hell spends a grand on a sofa when you're living off SMP and benefits fgs?! Our sofa was brand new and bought a year or so before I was pregnant but that was only a few hundred quid and we were more financially secure at that time than you two.

I’m adjusting my council request to say I’m being kicked out. Hopefully they will help me. I want to work it out with him for her sake but I don’t think I can live with him without a clear answer. Just scared about the mother and baby unit. I’ve heard some horrors

@Glitterazzi we don’t share accounts! Thankfully. Have no intention of marriage at this point either. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you

@MeadowHay yeah it is nuts. We lived in my mums owned house. Talking of buying it from her. Half the rent normally as it’s bought. My partner started doing jobs! Got caught up in the moment and then everything has come crashing down. I’m aware myself. I’ve kicked myself over it many times. Many people have on the 8 pages also. But there’s nothing that can be done now

My husband lost his job when I ws pregnant. I went back to work early and he was sahd for 3 years. Any chance you can work?

Continuing a destructive relationship won't fix the tough childhood you already had. It won't change the fact your dad wasn't there for you growing up.

I don't think people are picking up on the sofa because they think you should return it or sell it, but because it seems representative of a wider issue you're not seeming to grasp.

It's admirable that you're trying to get qualifications to improve your future. It would be really sad if you dug yourself into a financial hole that damaged your ability to achieve those ambitions.

Are you in the UK? Just because the dss became the dwp years ago, so not sure how that fits?
But yes, leave him, he won’t change, unfortunately. If you’re over crowded at your mum’s, you can go on the council waiting list. Universal credit will help with rent payments.

Mother and baby unit?

@Hankunamatata I’m trying to get her off breastfeeding. It’s proving hard. I’m looking but everything is minimum wage and I would lose my maternity so it’s not balancing. I’m updating my cv but unsure how to fill in the ‘maternity leave’ gap

@Lemonpiano yes. In my area you go to a mother and baby unit. Bedroom for you both until they find you something. Can be in there up to a year. This is what I was hoping to avoid

I understand re fear of being a single mum but you have to understand it’s not one sided. What mean is, your dad could have been there for you if he wanted to but he chose not too. This has nothing to do with your mums decision to raise you as single parent. The same can be said about you situation, if your boyfriend wants to be a dad to his daughter he will be even if you two are not together. Maybe, subconsciously, you are scared that he will not bother with your child if you split up and that is why you don’t want to leave? For fear of your daughter “missing out” on having a dad?
Think about that

I'm confused why you spent £1200 on sofas when you live at your mums? This bins never going to get better for either of you

Op I just think you both need to sit down and put pen to paper over your finances because I do think your both immature over your money, no way in your situation would I of spent that on a sofa and just blew that money you had. If anything that loan should of been paid straight off then the rest gone towards other bills or just kept in the bank to earn interest.
I'm 25 also and I have 3 children and 4 step children and a mortgage, pets and BILLS.
I am a SAHM now so I am on benefits too as I am a carer and my dh works full time but I did college and got my education and worked up until 3 years ago.

Your living way beyond your means. Once we have our bills and food and essentials covered from both our incomes we work out what's left, what can go towards a holiday, what can be saved (don't have joint account we just put it into a savings in either of our bank and trust each other, always open to check if we wanted), what we need to buy essentially this month on our list (toilet seat or lights, this month it's the ceiling to be re plastered) and then Work out whatever is left we use for a day out or something with the kids

We do sit regularly and put pen to paper to work this out so we know where we stand etc with bills and we do everything with each others consent

I have full control of the money and I do have all the cards (he is useless)

Hope you sort it x

@MoreMorelos we rented the house from her. Her relationship broke down and she came back.

If you're still employed then maternity leave is not a gap in your CV, it's continuing employment.

• this is

@spidermomma I realise I have been reckless with money. We both have. I’ll definitely take your advice thank you! That’s a lot to manage! Thank you x

But in your financial position why spend so much? You can get sofas so Much cheaper if you desperately needed them. You bought seem quite spend happy tbh

@Lemonpiano I thought this but a lot of people said it’s not? Also if they want a reference then the company would say I haven’t worked for ages

You are still employed when on maternity leave, it would only be a gap if you had left the company

I won't lie I was shocking when I was younger as I did myself get into credit card debt but I did a payment plan and worked it out

Dh was self employed at the beginning of the year and money was so tight as what he was earning wasn't much so we cut right back so I get that part with tour dp been self employed but we had no luxury's like huge non essential food shop, no take aways, no garbage from the shops etc or shopping trips we didn't need
Obviously now he's working and we're comfy again so we have more left over in our pot to spend
Pen and paper helps put it all into view x