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Original poster

Does everyone have a ‘Fuck Off Fund’?

194 replies

Bookaholic73 · 02/01/2021 15:55

I’m curious if most people have a Fuck Off Fund?

It’s an amount of money that you’ve saved that your spouse doesn’t know about, for you to use if/when you divorce/split up.

Or if you’re planning on eventually leaving your spouse but are waiting until you have a big enough FOF to do it.

Someone recently told that this was always worth having, just in case, and I’m seriously tempted.

OP posts:
Ratched · 03/01/2021 18:41

And for everyone who is so secure in their marriages (don't we all marry, never believing it would be anything other than happy ever after)?
Well done!
You are truly wonderful.

I have been lucky. I married 42 years ago, 43 in April.
I have been happy in the main. I love him, he lives me
There has never been any kind of abuse.
But. But. I always knew that I did not need to stay. And that is an empowering feeling. To know that I stay because I want to, not because I have to.
I have no illusions.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 03/01/2021 18:41

@AuntyPasta

Divorce is a process. There’s a big gap between deciding to divorce and the final papers being filed. As long as you declare what you need to on your form E it’s perfectly acceptable to have funds and use them.
yes, and if you use the money to you know, actually live and buy your kids food and provide a roof over their heads there is no way you are going to get penalised for that. Especially if he has been withholding financial contributions all that time leaving you with no income!
shamus2020 · 03/01/2021 18:44

I did (single now so no need for a fuck off fund) saved it all in cash so he couldn't have any of it. Had just under 10k saved.

Parkperson · 03/01/2021 18:44

So, if you divorce, do women not have to disclose personal saving accounts? There was a thread recently where a woman discovered her husband was secretly saving money and there was outrage.
If this is being suggested as common practice on MN, most people must be aware of it. I wonder if lawyers turn a blind eye to it, if it is women keeping money back? is there an amount up to which women do not have to disclose?
Perhaps the law should be changed so that men and women, prior to marriage are encouraged to start private savings accounts to fund future break up scenarios

AuntyPasta · 03/01/2021 18:46

Yes. You have to fill in forms about your expenses and show bank statements in a divorce so the court can see that you’re using the funds to live much as you did prior to the split and you’re not hiding funds or deliberately spunking away cash.

caringcarer · 03/01/2021 18:53

I think if you have a FOF and use it to leave partner then you have to fill in disclosure forms which usually come s couple of months later then by then you may well have spent the money so nothing left to declare. I know a person who did this and paid bond and 6 months rent in advance so had hardly anything left to declare.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 03/01/2021 18:56

So, if you divorce, do women not have to disclose personal saving accounts

Yes, of course you have to declare it.

The point is though- if you have suddenly been left high and dry with no money and you have to use that fund to survive and keep your house then it wont be used against you because you have spent it on actually being able to live so its gone but by legitimate means.

caringcarer · 03/01/2021 19:00

I wish money management and financial planning was formally taught in schools including pension planning. If young people grow up with responsible parents they teach them how to handle money but I feel sorry for children growing up in families that mishandle their finances and the children think that living with massive debt is normal and no one ever shows them how to budget. The government should be arranging this over several years, not just 1 session in Year 9.

PeppaPigMakesMeGrrrrr · 03/01/2021 19:02

Yes, I do have one. My DH knows about it but has no access to it. I didn't have one in my first marriage and was stuck for a long while more than I should have been because of that. I have no intention of using it as DH is lovely but it makes me feel better having it.

MerlinsButler · 03/01/2021 22:41

Everybody should where possible have a F .O. fund. Not just In case a relationship goes awry but it could be leaving a toxic job etc. It provides a get out option that may not otherwise be available.

I have always been told you should have a pot put aside for just this type of situation. I have one and live with my Partner. He knows about it and jokes it's my emergency shoe fund. It would buy quite a few shoes!

It would also be enough to quit work for 6 months or pay deposit and advance rent on a property in a rush. It just gives options that wouldn't otherwise be available. Nobody can predict the future so taking steps to protect yourself is not unromantic it is just sensible.

Charlie63849 · 03/01/2021 22:53

Yes I do. Keep half in cash. It’s mine, just incase.

ceeveebee · 03/01/2021 22:53

No. I have control over all our savings and bank accounts and manage all the money though as DH useless with online banking etc. And I earn substantially more than he does. Tbh he should be the one thinking about having his own FO Fund!

Flittingaboutagain · 04/01/2021 09:26

Those who are suggesting that it is carelessness in selecting a spouse that necessities a fund are missing the point entirely. Very few people advertise the fact that 25 years into marriage they are going to in fact become people that one might need to leave.

Sometimes there are no red flags because they don't exist at that point. The spouse is a good egg. It wasn't a bad match. You trusted them 100%.

As an example, people can be lovely but through unpredictable life events develop mental health problems such as addiction that they won't seek help for. I'm not talking about abusive spouses where there is a threat to life, I'm talking about those who were genuinely nice blokes that you love and were happy to be with, but over decades turned into someone you don't recognise and behave like someone you never would have married.

Having the financial ability to walk out the door if needed can be a psychological life saver.

ThisTooShallBe · 04/01/2021 09:59

I agree. PPs who believe that a spouse, once married, won’t pretty fundamentally change over the course of a long marriage are living in a dream world. If I could have the man I married back, I would, like a shot. But DC illness, bereavement through suicide and multiple redundancies affected us completely differently. We are both unrecognisable as the people of 35 years ago. These things happen - not to everyone, thank goodness - and a fallback fund and plan are only sensible in light of this ineluctable fact.

movingonup20 · 04/01/2021 10:05

As I was the person who was custodian of the savings (I'm lower rate tax payer he was higher and once upon a time there was interest in savings!) it wasn't the issue - exh had no idea we had nearly £50k in savings but yes I was honest and he got nearly half (I bought a car with done as he kept the only family car)

Hariboqueen1 · 04/01/2021 10:10

In my opinion people who decide on this before they get married absolutely should not get married. If you think there’s a chance you won’t stay together then just stay boyfriend and girlfriend you don’t have to get married! People who do this are making marriages worthless! You don’t need to get married to stay in a long term relationship.

MsTSwift · 04/01/2021 10:20

Having enough resources to see you through unexpected times of trouble is sensible for any adult though surely ? Boilers blow up, jobs are lost, flipping Covid. Turning it into “running away funds” makes me think of Victorian parlour maids being turned out into the snow in Barbara Taylor Bradford novels. All very cloak and dagger and dramatic.

BiddyPop · 04/01/2021 10:59

I don't have an FOF exactly, but I DO have savings that are in my name and easy to access. Not a lot compared to DH, but enough to tide me over if I needed it to get out and get started up somewhere else.

I work FT though, and my wages are paid into my account. And I have a large credit limit on my own credit card - I use it for cash flow to keep my bank charges low, and pay it off in full every month.

BiddyPop · 04/01/2021 11:08

And we actually DID have the boiler grinding to a halt the week before Christmas, so needed to be replaced on 23rd Dec. And have had runs of bad luck before needing a number of appliances replaced within a short space of time, or toilet breaking, or major work on the car, or replacing a roof, etc - so being able to get it done promptly and sort out finances later has been a godsend over the years.

Cos I remember the previous time the boiler broke (14 years ago) and we had no heating for 14 weeks in a cold autumn (and also a hole in the back wall as the boiler failed the weekend before builders started an extension - a "6 week job" which only ended when we got them out on 23rd Dec that year too!!), but we didn't have spare cash to get it done faster nor to live elsewhere while the work was done. Or the time our washing machine broke (it had been 2nd hand from relatives) and I had to wash clothes for DH, myself, and baby DC, by hand for 5 weeks as we had just bought a car for me 2 weeks before that using up our spare savings.

So having spare funds (and access to them) is important - whether they are FOF's or just "rainy day savings".

user1471538283 · 04/01/2021 22:19

I didn't have one when I needed it years ago. Since then I've always had one although its called "boiler money" because I dread the boiler breaking. Everyone needs some money of their own. It gives you confidence and choices

KylieKoKo · 06/01/2021 13:47

@Hariboqueen1

In my opinion people who decide on this before they get married absolutely should not get married. If you think there’s a chance you won’t stay together then just stay boyfriend and girlfriend you don’t have to get married! People who do this are making marriages worthless! You don’t need to get married to stay in a long term relationship.
@Hariboqueen1

I think this is an odd stance. If someone objected to me having any savings that were only in my name I would consider it a massive red flag to be honest. DP encourages me to save and, as he earns more than me and has more savings pays a greater proportion of household expenses to enable this.

It isn't just for running away if things go wrong. If, for example, DP's accounts got fraudulently drained (this has happened to a friend of mine) it means we can access cash while it is getting sorted. It also might come in handy if I want to invest in something that DP doesn't there would be no argument as it is solely my money.

Livandme · 06/01/2021 14:15

I had a running away fund held by my step dad. He got uncomfortable holding onto it as interest rates low and thought we were very much happily married. He passed it back and it went into the family pot.
However we are currently separating and I wish I'd held the cash separately, especially as I am out of work

Hariboqueen1 · 06/01/2021 14:38

That’s not a running away fund then that’s just savings.

KylieKoKo · 06/01/2021 14:49

@Hariboqueen1

That’s not a running away fund then that’s just savings.
I guess I see it as the shit hits the fan fund. So could be used for running away should I need to but could also be used for any number of things.

I think everyone should aim to have cash that is only accessible by them, especially SAHM.

Coseynightin · 06/01/2021 15:20

So in the case of the pending divorce and final settlement would you then give the FOF amount back to the ex p during the settlement?