Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@Clovertoast
Do you feel able to say you've been doing some thinking and you think its best you have 2 weeks (or however long) of no contact while he gets his head in a good place and knows what he wants?

I'm terrified to do that but I think I'm going to have to. I can't carry on like this. I just watched a Mathew Hussey video on YouTube and he basically suggests you say this when someone says they want space:
Look, if that's what you want I want you to go and find what makes you happy.
But I think I finally deserve someone that's one hundred percent sure about me. If you ever change your mind or you decide you are certain about me then I dont know what I'll be doing or if I'll still be waiting. If I am great, because I love you but who knows what will happen.

@Clovertoast
That sounds perfect to say.

If you cant do it tonight, reply to his message, keep it brief and see if you want to send it tomorrow.

@WeWantTheFinestWines i can see where you are coming from in that my iron has Aspergers and its causing him a lot of anguish but tbh i think my situation is different to @Clovertoast. She gave a list of reasons in December why Mr P wasn't giving her what she needed and there is a lot of to ing and fro ing. Mr Yoga cut me out after months of being happy, wanting to take a few days and then saying how hes struggling mentally. He's definitely not to-ing and fro-ing with me and I wonder if I'll even hear from him again. That's why I don't think my situation is about us, it's about something more. I think this will always be something he has to manage and as such, I'm not sure where I'll fit into his life. Its difficult as I do love him dearly but sometimes one has to let the other find their own way. He's due to get some intensive private help at the end of the month and I think this will be a massive turning point for him, hopefully in a good way.

Hmmm my sister is telling me not to say that cos it will end it.
Well surely if it does we were going to end anyway?

@Clovertoast depends what you want. I think you're making a stand in a nice way. But don't send if you're only going to message him again tmw etc.

Sorry Eesha, I was a bit quick to make a comparison. Your situation is a change in behaviour after months of loveliness. Which you are handling with kindness and empathy. And it is heartbreaking. Sorry if it sounded like I wasn't paying attention.

@WeWantTheFinestWines No honestly, there were comparisons and actually Mr Yoga could be looking for an excuse to leave (though I doubt it). I just wanted to make it more clear as he literally switched but then this combined with him telling me before that his mental state was worsening, it sortof did make sense. Unfortunately I'm the casualty here regardless.

Hi, is there room for another guy on this thread?

I separated almost exactly a year ago and have tried a few of the apps in the past few months but ended up feeling pretty bruised and disillusioned with it all.
I obviously need to work on my approach because it has got me precisely nowhere!

@2021Hasgottabebetter yes of course! We are all on this hamster wheel together!

Yes of course @2021Hasgottabebetter I probably can't give the best advice as I'm in the middle of a mess but the guys here are just lovely.
Welcome and good luck !!!

I find conversations that end abruptly so disheartening.
I was actually replying to a question the other evening when my match unmatched me which shocked me a bit. I think that I need a much thicker skin for this process.
I paused Bumble the other day though without realising that it would reset all of the contacts and conversations, so I guess I could have been guilty of that too.....if I had a live conversation going!

Hi everyone, just caught up with this thread. @eesha, you're a wise and kind woman, Mr yoga is lucky to have you on his team. I'm glad to see that you're also considering your own needs long term and whether this is a good fit.

@clovertoast that's a great message to send. Obviously be prepared that this might end things, but the to and fro'ing and the backing out before, none of them are good signs of a consistent loving partner. You could be at this for years along with all the anxiety.

Afm. Me and Mr A are great, almost 6 months? However been hard recently. We both had bug kid commitments through Xmas and new year and then recently something with my ex meant I've had my dd a lot and since our days together are very prescribed its meant we haven't seen each other a while. Cue frustrated sexting. We are sounding out the idea of the kids meeting or at least of him meeting mine. Its earlier than either of us would ideally like but if the situation with my ex carries on its the only way we'll be able to carry on seeing each other with any regularity. Going to give it a while longer and see.

I bottled out of sending the message.
I asked him what space means to him as he asked for it but is texting.
He said he just needs some time after having the kids to be on his own and not have to.put a front on.
He said he doesn't want to stop contact but will stop texting if that makes it easier for me to handle.
He apologised for upsetting me and said he was going to bed.

I'm so confused. What on earth am I? We've been saying we're bf and gf how can I be that if our relationship is over text??
He has his children 5050 so if he wants a break when he doesn't have them I wont see him at all.
I've woke up feeling sick and confused.
This is all his terms. I'm now left with someone that will text and see me only when they want, which isnt a lot .

@Clovertoast
What do you want?
Just because he has told you what he wants doesnt mean you have to go along with it.

A texting relationship is fine if it has an end date such as when lockdown ends but that isnt what he is saying.

Personally I'd either ask for 2 weeks no contact while he works out what he wants or set a time limit of 2 weeks but not tell him and see how things go with the texts and whether you see him and then you make a decision yourself.

@Eesha
How are you feeling about things with Mr Yoga?
Are you just holding on and seeing how things pan out or are you thinking your relationship has ended?

It must be so hard to work through this especially when you hadn't seen him for a while so no real chance to talk face to face.

@Clovertoast as a pp said I think its important that you decide what you want. When the other person hands you uncertainty and a lack of open and clear communication you can decide if this is what you want long term or not. I went round the block with a couple of men with patterns like this (hot and cold) and I had to end them all because for whatever reason they didn't or couldn't. I think they'd have carried on like that for years tbh. It was a total waste of my time when I could have been finding someone who was totally upfront.

I really am taking everything on board.
I'm trying to have the mindset of it's over and I'm single so it's time to work on me, sort myself out etc so anything he wants, does or needs comes second to me.
I spent 18 years in a marriage to someone who took everything from me and gave nothing back. I was the sole earner, he didnt work again after being made redundant, he did none of the kid stuff, he didnt even attend the birth of his 2nd child because HE found it too stressful. I wasn't allowed out or even to learn to drive when we were together.
I was an overweight, anxious, no life mess when I finally, finally got him to leave.
I swore I would never be like that again. Then when I met Mr P he seemed perfect. Hardworking, great dad, kind, affectionate, i couldn't/can't believe he liked me. So i ended up clinging on, blurring all my boundaries and basically making myself look ridiculous. It's no wonder he wants space quite honestly.

No, this has to stop. I have to figure out ME.

@SortingItOut thank you for asking. I guess I'm going to see how things go. With the lockdown, I'm not even seeing my support bubble let alone thinking about meeting someone new to date. We had discussed that we would stay together through lockdown but this has obviously made that uncertain. If the weeks pass and I don't hear anything, then I would just assume it's over. From speaking to friends who are either male or autism experts, they say that I should just let him come back to me so that's what I'm going to do. I really miss him but I need to be with someone who wants to be with me and if he's got loads going on with his autism and/or is having second thoughts, then the timing isn't right for us. I was thinking about bloody Valentine's where I'd planned on sending him a treat and a jokey card before but now I'm not so sure. I thought a simple card would be nice to show I'm thinking of him?

@Clovertoast please please put yourself first. He is calling all the shots.
Actions speak much louder than words and this is all on his terms.
Personally, I'd be telling him I want some space for a couple of weeks, including from messaging.
That will let you reevaluate things. At the moment he thinks he can say or do anything and you will still be there.

@clovertoast I agree with your post. it's time to find yourself. find someone who wants to give you their time.

I joined an app last night and within 5 mins had an invite to go to someone's place for 'fun'. he had 'looking for long term on his profile 🙄.

I have a contact on social media who I don't know well but wouldn't mind getting to know. he posts lots about improving mental health, walking and being single etc. do u think it would be strange to message him asking if he fancied some company for a walk or something?

No @crazycatlady20 not strange at all. Thats how we have to do it in 2021 I think?
And, if you don't ask you'll never know. If you get a yes then great, if it's a no, well at least you took a chance 🤷‍♀️

He sure is calling all the shots @30somethingandstillsingle I have woken up to messages about the snow and pics of his kids playing in it. He's also messaged asking me if I have any. When I replied no but I'm going out later, knowing my luck a blizzard will blow over, he has messaged me straight away asking where I'm off too.
What is he doing ?
Yesterday he wanted space, today we are chatting.
Meh, I'm too tired to think about it anymore

@clovertoast any idea on how to word it? I'm thinking something along along lines of 'I know this might be a bit weird but just wondered if you fancied some company on a walk....' what do u think?

It's a hard one with your iron, he may be finding things hard at the moment (aslots are) but it's a bit unfair to just expect u to hang about waiting for him and just do it his way. a bit of compromise would be good. I think I'd text and say u were a bit confused about what's going on or just ask for a break. do what's right for you tho.