Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast he's being a selfish arse, he wants to keep all the nice bits of having a partner in his life with no regard really for whether that works for you. I'd want clarity regarding exactly what part of his life he wants to share with a partner and then consider whether this matches what you want. As he shares his kids 50/50, what amount of the remaining time does he want to spend on his own..? At face value, I think it's fair enough to want some time on his own out of that (mainly because I would also want that - I need time alone to decompress) but what is wrong with just articulating that clearly to you and working something out?

As you say it's frustrating dealing with someone who just sort of becomes difficult and changes their behaviour without having the emotional maturity to face it head on and discuss it like a grown up. Things shouldn't be this difficult!

@Eesha
I think you are being very sensible and pragmatic about it all and its good you are considering if this is for you.
Its good he was able to open up and say he is overwhelmed and needs time and space but equally if that doesnt work for you then you can say so.

I think a Valentines card would be fine, not too gushy or too much of the missing you stuff.

@2021Hasgottabebetter
Welcome to the thread.
You definitely need a thick skin if you are online dating.
Operator error can be an issue especially if you have mainly used one site and move to another, what something means on one site is the opposite on another and pausing on one loses everything but not on others.

Try not to take anything to heart if you are just unmatched or deleted.

@Clovertoast
Would he normally message this much?
I'm wondering if by him asking for time on his own he has made peace with himself so he feels great but has completely forgotten how you feel.

Its good you can see your boundaries havent been great and that you need to work on yourself.

When I split from my husband I was out 4 nights a week having casual sex,it was great fun but deep down I knew I was just wanting attention as my self esteem was so low after a crap marriage and if I was home alone then I might have time to think about all my issues which I wasn't ready to face.

I think you and Mr P met at similar points after a long marriage so you both jumped right in and saw each other every free minute he had but that was never going to be sustainable. You have done nothing wrong except want to see your boyfriend when he was free so you agreed to see him regularly.
Of course if you had hobbies or other stuff to do you wouldnt have been so available when he was and actually you might have got in to a better routine of once a week (or more) so everyone had their own time. Bit you cant change that now and its good you recognise that you need to build hobbies and interests.

Could you start putting in place some boundaries about his contact with you?
I know I've said it before but this is also about what you want, do you want to be kept dangling, fretting and worrying about what he means when he messages? He is taking up an awful lot of your head space right now and its not healthy.

While you are setting your boundaries you dont have to reply so quickly to his messages, you have a life outside of him.
Currently you're jumping to him straight away, he's got it perfect for him - a girlfriend on tap for messaging who is doing exactly as he told her to while he's enjoying himself. Dont put yourself second again.

clover this sounds like my old iron, you probably don't remember him.

Wouldn't see me much at all, but also didn't want to let me go completely. Always had issues with depression, ex, work - you name it he had it 🙂

Wanted to keep it to texting / calling so if he felt like it I was there. Hated the thought of losing me completely.

I could never understand why he didn't just leave it if he wasn't interested, he knew it was hurting me too. I think some people just are fundamentally selfish and it's all about how they feel. I made excuses as I felt sorry for him, I think he counted on thar tbh.

And sorting is right he has it how he wants now.

I would say you aren't happy with this is you feel up to it, you understand he needs space so you are giving him it - permanently.

@bagheadhere40 i remember your iron. how have you been? are you dating at the moment?

Thank you all so much. I keep dipping into this thread because you all boost me up just as I start to fret.
@SortingItOut we do text a fair bit on and off but this is a lot. I can see he's sent me 2 pictures while I'm typing this. One is a grinning selfie in the snow the other is of the two kids. Who I have still never met but I've regularly done their washing and changed their bedsheets and bought gifts for that he's then taken the credit for
I dont want to open the pics quite honestly. What you've said about him feeling great because he's said his bit and now feels free and still has me at the end of the phone does resonate.
He's having a lovely time playing in the snow, I've told him I'm heartbroken but he's sending me selfies......wow.
This isn't healthy you are so right.

@bangheadhere40 I remember you and your iron
I joined the threads just as it was ending. I seem to remember how confused and anxious you ended up being. Hmmmm

Well I've just loaded the slow cooker with chicken and veg for later and I'm going to go for a walk in the snow and think.

Something else I haven't mentioned that I have been trying not to think about us that on Thursday while at Mr Ps I received the news that I have pre cancerous cells in my cervix and might need a procedure to remove them. One can't help marvelling at his timing of this also.
He was lovely while I was there but hasn't mentioned it since....

@Clovertoast what im seeing here is you are feeling resentful at Mr P for how he makes you feel at present. You need to communicate this to him, that you aren't happy and you need time out. That these are all mixed messages. The fact that youve washed his kids bedsheets etc makes me think he's taking the piss but at the same time, you're really doing a lot. I think Mr P has fallen into the rhythm of taking you for granted and although can't break it off, he also can't really offer you what you want right now. I really think you'll feel so much better if you take a stand with the time out and not be so accommodating. I've been the same and drafted a really lovely reply to Mr Yoga saying he was having mental difficulties but i ended up keeping it short and sweet, saying I was there for him but I appreciate he needed the space so to take that time he needed. My original message was jokey and also saying I was there no matter what etc, very much my people pleasing self. But I think then you aren't taken seriously and you have feelings too. Take a stand.

@crazycatlady20 I'm okay. Had a look online but haven't met up with anyone since my last iron.

Yeah it went on for ages. He did send a Xmas card and tried to get in touch over the holidays. I'm just not bothered anymore if I hear from him or not really.

I'm going to start to make a proper effort OLD, but waiting until after lockdown as I don't want to get into another penpal situation.

@Clovertoast
I wonder why you decided to become a wife to Mr P?
Was it your people pleasing side?

No self respecting man would expect a new girlfriend to cook him food every time she went to his house or did his housework for him while there.
Unless he was seriously ill or there was a dire emergency I cannot understand why you would do it and why he let you.

Sorry to hear you've got pre cancerous cells and may need an op.
His timing is crap, not that I think stringing someone along is good bit my god he sure has picked his moment.

Enjoy your walk.

clover try to step away from your shoes for a moment and put yourself in his. Why would he not want to carry on having you there when he wants you and letting you do everything for him when he sees you? And giving him no grief when he doesn't want you but trying to support and understand him? In your messaging, have you actually said anything that would make him think 'shit, I'd better up my game or I'm going to lose her'?

And I'm so sorry about your bad news. And frankly shocked that you've told him, but he hasn't mentioned it since and just sent you happy photos of frolicking in the snow. If you don't drop everything to support your girlfriend when they are told they need surgery for pre-cancerous cells, what kind of person are you?

He is never going to give you what you need clover is he?

No
I haven't replied to the pics in the snow. Which is very unusual.
So he's text me asking if my snow settled..

I can't be arsed.
I'm just re reading all the advice and that will do for now.

He's noticed your lack of reply clover and wants to make sure you're still on board but keeping it neutral because he does not want to deal with how you might reply to "are you ok?". Stay strong, don't reply, see how he deals with it. You might learn something about him that will help you make a decision. Because it's your decision to make, not his. You can do it 🌺

Stay strong clover.

My guess is he could get angry...I mean how dare you not reply and pander to him.

@Clovertoast

None of this is right. but only you know even you’re ready to block him. Keep your head up !

He's just text me and asked me if I'm available Tuesday night
.....

Hope you don't mind me joining in here.My feeling is once they start treating you as an unpaid housekeeper @Clovertoast the dynamic has changed.You either need to get back in charge,hence your partner furiously texting as he senses losing you now.Or walk away.It's never easy when you settle for less ,I've done it myself.

Classic

@clovertoast to me.it seems like he has realised you are starting to withdraw from him and started to work on your self and boundaries so he is trying to draw you back in.
If it was me in the situation I would text I'm busy then and would want to text take all the time and space you want because I'm done

@Clovertoast only you know exactly how you are feeling and ultimately this is your relationship and your life. I know I would probably go to see him with a view to talking it through with him face to face. BUT you should only do that if you feel ready to be honest with him about how this has made you feel. Maybe you could try to work out a more realistic routine with seeing each other /having time apart to allow yourself to develop some independence. Some of the things that you have been talking about today are so important. Being your own person, finding out who you are that is not only someone's partner. The way it reads is that you have had a good connection and he can be lovely but neither of you has had any time when you have been able to see what being single actually means. So you have fairly quickly fallen into learned behaviour and old roles. I don't know him so I can't say that he's acting maliciously by wanting everything on his terms. What you can do though is decide what works for you. Maybe seeing him once a week is enough for the time being through lockdown. Then once we are able to get out and about more see if he's the kind of guy you actually want to date, someone who puts a bit of thought or effort into dates. It's far too easy at the moment ( and has been most of the time you have known him ) to fall into predictable routines because we have such limited options.

@Clovertoast

He’s actually moving beyond “dating emotional stress” now - he’s trying to control you and break you emotionally.

You know he’s only suggesting meeting so you reply enthusiastically, then he either will cancel/pretend to forget or if you do meet he’ll simply ignore and belittle you?

He’s not sitting there needing space and confused about balancing his love for you with his depression, he’s calculating how to manipulate you.

Didn’t you say he had a known formal abusive history? These types never change...

The more you engage with him, the more drawn out this will be. He 'shoved' his ex didn't he? Don't let him treat you the same way. No matter what you might agree in the short term, this does not look like it can ever be an equal partnership. He won't be a different person just because lockdown ends, but it will be easier for him to hide who he really is.

@clovertoast he has every hallmark of a Mr unavailable here. (If you haven't read the book its well worth it 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl'). They kind of run hit to cold in order to keep you at a closeness thats comfortable for them. So if you get very close they pull away, if you then get quite distant they start trying to pull you back in. Its also why its so baffling because if you try to end it, they can appear quite heartbroken by it all/ask you not to end it etc. If you get back together they go straight back to the hot and cold. Quite maddening but fairly predictable really, he's not long out of his marriage so it's by no means an unusual trait. Not that helpful to you really besides the fact that you can make a choice about this pattern and whether you set some boundaries

I dont think all types like this are abusive, many are just confused but if he has form for pushing his ex around I'd be thinking the same as sleepybunk