Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I text him. Asked him to tell me.
He's basically saying he's depressed and needs space...

Hi @Clovertoast, I figured you had still been seeing Mr P but ultimately you would have needed to do what you feel comfortable with regardless of the advice here. No one else knows your situation like you do. Personally from what you have said, he seems like he has checked out. I would hate someone being on the phone like that when he is meant to be with me. I would text him and nicely say this doesn't feel like it's working and we should take a break.

Yes, feeling better about my situation. I'm not sure I'll hear back if ever but it feels clearer for me now.

@Clovertoast if he's depressed, give him the space he wants. Use the time to look after yourself more. I don't remember the entire story to this but I vaguely remember he wasn't very nice and was picking arguments? You are worth more than that.

clover it just seems he's keeping you on his string ☹ I've had this done to me and you give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them. It makes you feel terrible.

It's really not fair on you though. Can't remember who said to me on here but if you can reframe this " what are you getting out of this?" It's not all about him.

@Eesha I'm really glad MrYoga got in touch with you and explained what's going on for him. I also really admire your pragmatism - it's something I find particularly difficult so really admire it in others. Of course the only thing one can ever do in these situations is give people the space they need but I then start to feel obsessed on what this means about me/us/'it' which makes the whole thing worse no doubt.

@Clovertoast it's so hard to deal with this situation, as mentioned previously this is what happened with my last iron in the summer. I know for a fact I would have texted back (needy or not) because I think you sense that he has indeed checked out and what's the point of waiting and angsting all day. There's nothing worse than feeling on the end of someone's ambivalence towards you, it is impossible to quell the anxiety it causes (for me anyway).

@freelancedolly i think for me, the unknowing really hurt me and he had shut me out. At least now he's explained the situation even though I had a gut feeling it would be the case. I'm only ok with it because he's got a lot on his plate and if/when he gets past it, he might not want to date or might want a less complex situation etc with someone else. He might never contact me again. Same for me, I love him but do I want to be with someone who clearly struggles mentally at times? Plus lockdown means we can't even be close to each other to chat stuff through. It's a pickle! I guess I'll know post lockdown where things stand and I can't really look elsewhere till then.

@Clovertoast, sorry to hear that things haven't particularly improved with Mr P. If you don't feel ready to walk away yourself then I would ask him if he wants a break for a set period of time, say 2 weeks or a month. It might give him some space to work through whatever is playing on his mind. But say that at the end of that time you need some sort of decision - pick things back up or agree it's over. What you have to ask yourself is if what you have with him worth all this uncertainty and anxiety? And realistically is he going to be in a better place in the foreseeable future to offer you what you want and deserve. Not everything runs totally smoothly but surely after less than a year together it shouldn't be this much of a struggle. He's clearly got something troubling him. Even in difficult times he should be reassuring you that it isn't you.

@Clovertoast
I'm so pleased you've returned.

You do know that you can end things if you want to, from what you've written you're putting the ball in his court when you also have a choice.

Depression or not, he is not treating you very well and really is that what you want?

I think you're right in that he wants to end things but doesnt want to hurt you by saying that so he is gradually backing out of the relationship slowly and is hoping you'll dump him. The irony of course is that is current actions are hurting you and are actually more painful than being told straight out he doesnt want to see you.

Give him space and spend some time working on yourself and building your own life up.

Yes @Sortingitout that's exactly what I think is happening.
He has said the following this afternoon;
I really really like you but I have barriers up and I don't know why.
I can't tell if it's my feelings towards you or whether it's the depression or lockdown.
I'm either with you or the kids and sometimes I I need to just be.

I do get that as we see each other a lot. I've seen him everytime he hasnt had his kids since March last year. It has been full on and he has seen no-one else. He is living somewhere he hates because of how the divorce ended and because he has the children 5050 so his friends are far away and lockdown has made it impossible. I think we've seen each other too much and it's not been god for either of us.
Ive told him I understand and I'll give him his space. I've told him I love him.

I like the idea of a set amount of time though. I might say that then just leave it, breathe and try and find my bloody self!

Thank you for letting me come back x

Oh and @Dancerinthemoonlight well done on the job !!

@Clovertoast i think you did the right thing for you.

@Clovertoast and @Eesha

Sounds brutal but if someone wanted space I’d agree and be really sweet and polite in communication

but also make sure that they worked hard to get back into my good books and couldn’t just randomly pick me up and “go straight back to where we were”.

I know it’s nigh on impossible in lockdown - and of course it’s counter productive to do self destructive stuff like drinking too much or sleeping around if you don’t feel like it.

but as far as I’m concerned “break” means single so I’d see myself as immediately available and open to new dates and Male friends

@SleepyBunk i guess my logic is if I saw Mr Yoga was back on the apps after Id told him I was struggling mentally and needed to withdraw a bit, I would be really hurt. I see this as him needing some time to get his head together with his autism rather than us specifically. That said, if this goes on for ages and ages (I mean several weeks etc of silence), then I'd be seriously thinking of looking elsewhere when lockdown ends. At the moment I don't even see family let alone potential dates. For us, we were regularly seeing each other prior to lockdown and there were no signs of unhappiness. In fact we had discussed whether we should stay together over lockdown and he said we definitely should do it. I think the combination of covid and him feeling like his autistic tendencies were getting out of hand led to all this. I will have to see how this all looks once lockdown ends.

New to online dating! Will be having a gin and reading through this thread later. I'm worried about emotionally investing too soon - tips welcome!!

@Clovertoast I am glad that he has offered an explanation and it seems a pretty honest response. It seems that your relationship with each other has come at a time when he's processing so much other stuff too. And you have also said that this is your first relationship following the end of your marriage (?) So both of you have gone/ are going through a period of huge change whilst trying to establish a new connection with someone. You may have spent a lot of time together because it eased some of the fear about what your new life would look like. I think a bit of space for both of you sounds good. I know that in the early days after my DH died I was trying to fill the void he had left. And being single seemed so daunting. I leapt into finding someone. Over time I began to look at my needs in different ways and now, for me, being with someone is a bonus but I know that I can also be happy just being me.

@SleepyBunk it doesn't sound brutal . If I'm honest, as @Eesha has said if this goes on for weeks then yes, I will consider myself single again. He has replied to my ok have some space message with this :
Thank you so much for your lovely, kindhearted, and understanding message. I love you too. It’s just that I’m finding life a little difficult and need to get my head around what to do about it. Bear with me... please. I’ll catch up with you later. Xx

While that's a nice message I'm still sad that this is the second time he's raised having doubts about me and also the second time I've had to pull this out if him because I felt his mood shift but he didnt say anything. It's been me instigating these talks.

I really wish weren't in bloody lockdown! I need friends, I need to go out, I need to flirt and feel happy !
I have booked my theory test as I intend to leave 2021 with a drivers license but I can't take any practical lessons so it's really frustrating.
@Onesmallstep67 yes it was my first relationship since my marriage ended and I think you're utterly right. I threw myself into it to avoid the loneliness and now I'm right back where I started and all this has done is made me feel like I'm sad because I'm alone again.

I really really need to work on just me!!

@havecourage8bekind

Welcome!

lockdown dating is always going to be complicated - my top tip for not overinvesting is to aim to meet sooner rather than later and avoid having massive detailed chats in advance?

I know screening is a big thing but to keep safe I’d meet centrally somewhere neutral and not commit loads of time.

as far as I’m concerned it’s not real till we’re having our first drink/coffee together.

I think also it is natural to be excited about someone you’re dating and to allow yourself to make mistakes/vulnerable/take risks - people are people and can’t be predicted.

You could get someone showing all the right signs and be the perfect date and go along with it, then they disappear or go off you - only time will tell really!

Does anyone wise have any thoughts about what I'm supposed to say to him when he " catches up with me later " as stated in the message above?
So far today, he's depressed, needs space, not sure how he feels etc. Ok I say, have your space.
Great thanks I'll catch up later.
Wtf ? I don't know what to say ?
I don't feel like doing chit chat, I'm heartbroken. If you dont want me dont keep me hanging around to talk to when you are bored.
I'm so so confused.
I need to go out !!!!!

@Clovertoast why not say let's take a proper break so you can get your head together and I can do the same? Say a few weeks? I know that's hard to say but as you say, he's meant to be depressed. Either he is in or out. The being on the phone thing would make me suspicious too.

Clover just be honest and tell him you appreciate his position and respect that- if he needs to be on his own. At the same time you need some support for you as well so you think it's best to just call it a day.

Honestly, he will just keep you on tenterhooks otherwise.

@Clovertoast
Does catching up later actually mean later today or does he mean later as in a few days or a week?

I agree with Eesha, he either needs space or he wants to catch up later today, he cant have both.
I would suggest 2 weeks of no contact for him to sort his head out. He cannot keep you dangling like this, its not fair.

I honestly think he means later, as in, this evening.
We normally text a few times during the night and chat, and we always say goodnight.
I'm so confused. If he meant we are seeing each other too much and he wants to cut that down why not just say that?
I now feel like the break would do me good too quite honestly.
An expression of my old mums is going through my head " he should just shit or get off the pot !"

@Clovertoast
I agree, all this fannying around does no one any good.

I think what he means is that he wants time to be single and play the field a bit (which is what most people do after a long marriage ends) but he cant quite bring himself to say that in case he hurts you.

The lack of attention when you visit is the key indicator for me that he wants out.

I'm glad you feel like a break will do you good, it will stop all the worrying and angst over him and hopefully you'll realise you quite like your own time and space.

Good to see you back clover. I'm sure that if we weren't all in solitary confinement indefinitely, it wouldn't be so hard to see the wood for the trees. I see similarities with Eesha in that your irons plead depression, confusion, etc, and then leave you with all the decision making. Seems very selfish from where I'm sitting. What are you meant to do with "I care but I need space"? I have a friend irl who's been on the receiving end of this sort of thing for months. I'm sorry but I just can't see the happy ending. Will they change? Will they ever prioritise you and your feelings? Will they sort out what they're finding so difficult about life and be the supportive, reliable and loving partners that you have every right to expect?

Or do you need to step away from the mental anguish and focus on working out how to be happy on your own?

Having said all that, I can totally see myself feeling the way you do if I were in your shoes 😐

Well as predicted he has text me. This is it word for word....
" Hi. Hows your day been ( ignoring the obvious of course ) I've only just finished dinner, I didn't want to get out of bed earlier. Xx "

What the actual fuck.....