Page 24 | An APfree 2021

Affor · 2020-12-31T16:50:52+00:00

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support. No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

MammaBear92 · 25/01/2021 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2021 13:53

[quote MammaBear92]@youvegottenminuteslynn

No I did not go I was at home with a newborn baby myself and I was utterly disgusted he even suggested it and told him so.[/quote]
Good. The fact he asked you when you had a newborn baby too is just the lowest of the low. He sounds like such an awful person. Focus on that stuff when you miss him or feel sad he's gone. That's who he is. He's that low and had that little respect for you he thought you'd visit him despite having a newborn. He thought you'd visit him while his wife was being induced. He thought you'd say yes to it, that that's how enraptured you were and how amazing he is.

He's one of the worse APs I've heard about on here. Heartless and arrogant as fuck.

Onthedunes · 25/01/2021 14:08

@MammaBear92

Some things on this thread are so hard to read, seriously what an
arrogant bastard.

Makes you feel like finding the wife and setting a bloody fund up for her to escape.

That poor poor woman.
Please don't let this excuse for a man use you anymore for his ego.

MaelyssQ · 25/01/2021 14:26

Ugh, the bloke who invited his mistress to his home while his wife was in hospital being induced - there are no words

I would have absolutely NO respect for anyone behaving like that.

I worked with someone who was having an affair with her friend's boyfriend. They would go out as a foursome and during the course of the evening, would go outside for a cigarette and have a quick bunk up by the bins. It was all so sordid and sleazy, yet she bragged about it like it was something to be proud of, talking of the affair as being something so romantic. Meanwhile her boyfriend and his girlfriend would be sitting inside, thinking all was well.

She ended up leaving her boyfriend for the friend's boyfriend and it all went pear-shaped within a week or so. The friend and the boyfriend both met other people and moved on with their lives.

praepondero · 25/01/2021 14:33

There are none so blind as those who will not see....

It's scary and pathetic at the same time how the women in affairs with MM romanticize the whole sordid saga, whilst their AP - the MM - look upon them as their dirty little secrets, to be used and cast away.

wetasstenalady · 25/01/2021 14:51

@praepondero

There are none so blind as those who will not see....

It's scary and pathetic at the same time how the women in affairs with MM romanticize the whole sordid saga, whilst their AP - the MM - look upon them as their dirty little secrets, to be used and cast away.

Yep

Any man who 'falls in love' with another woman yet doesn't say look I can't be in love with you yet go to bed with my wife every evening like all is well- I need some time to sort things out until then, I cannot be with you is an arse who doesn't love you and isn't serious about you
Make no mistake

wetasstenalady · 29/01/2021 11:38

@Affor how are things now

RedWhineandgo · 02/02/2021 15:33

If you haven't already - I'd really recommended watching Ester Perels TED talk on infidelity. She has some really good thoughts and insights on it.

Poppop4 · 14/02/2021 18:32

Just wondering how everyone is doing?
With it being Valentine’s Day how are you all holding up?

FreeAt50 · 22/02/2021 13:56

Hi all

I am not sure if this thread is for those of us who are still embroiled and no clue what to do, or those of us who have ended the affair and need help moving on.

I have bounced between the 2 states for 2 years now. Currently in the "I don't even know what I want any more" state.

I left my husband for him over a year ago. He didn't leave his wife.

I admit I was infatuated, obsessed, hoodwinked and controlled by AP however I allowed all this to happen.

So many emotions involved. I dont even recognise myself any more.

Faith50 · 22/02/2021 14:17

Freeat50

You must have felt gutted when you left your husband only to find AP was not willing to leave his wife.

Are you starting afresh now?
Was your husband aware you left him for AP?

I had a short affair last year after my dh admitted to a ons that happened years ago. I fell for AP; the way he looked at me, desired me, flattered me with his words. They could have been lies but I wanted to hear them. AP was gentle but at the same time fiery which I liked. We are no longer in contact. I miss him - he got me if that makes sense. I was so excited whenever I planned to meet him. Dh and I are working through our marriage.

Ineedaslap · 22/02/2021 14:37

@FreeAt50 I really feel for you, did he know you were leaving your husband for him? had you discussed it? Has the affair ended now?
I would have left my husband for mine, but only if he left his wife too. Not that I have told him that.

@Faith50 I fell for my AP too. He said a lot of things that I believed, I don't know if he meant them or was saying them for effect. I like you was flattered, enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and desired, how he looked at me.
I am planning on asking him if he ever meant any of it if I get a chance as I think it might help me move on.

Mine is over, been NC now for a month, I am beyond upset. Heartbroken. Can't be totally NC as we work at the same company. So our paths will cross eventually.

AnotherVice · 22/02/2021 14:42

@FreeAt50 I can't even imagine how that must have made you feel. Did he say he was going to leave her? Are you glad you left your dh anyway? Presumably you're still involved with AP?
I am in the process of leaving my dh too (in that he knows, we're sorting finances etc....) and waiting to see if AP leaves too. I would still be leaving though so I don't have any regrets but I would be totally heartbroken if he stays.

FreeAt50 · 22/02/2021 14:43

@Faith50 AP forced my hand in telling DH. But our marriage was stale and long over, he was still incredibly hurt and this is something I have to live with. I will never cheat again, it was completely out of character and DH initially kept telling me it was fine, it must be the menopause, we can get over it etc until I told him again I didn't want to, I wanted to separate.
I still see AP. He tells me over and over how he feels, like he never has before, buys me sentimental gifts and I am sure his outpourings are genuine. He has a tricky situation at home (no children, other stuff going on though) and there has been excuse after excuse for staying.

His wife knows about me, but enjoys their lifestyle and completely controls every aspect of his life.

I have to admit, having waited for so long, especially through the lockdowns etc of the past year, I am getting bored now. And I should walk away. There are a dozen reasons why I should, but I have so far failed. I talk myself into it, rationally, reasoned arguments for leaving him to it and then I meet up with him again (we see one another outdoors daily and as I live alone he has spent some time at my home too) and I am sucked right back in. He is like a drug to me.

My husband has moved on, been with the same person for over a year now and is happy, and I am pleased for him.

FreeAt50 · 22/02/2021 14:49

@AnotherVice and @Ineedaslap the pain that he still lives with his wife in unbearable. They are in separate rooms and exist alongside one another. I can't go into why he is still there as it could potentially out me and is personal to him.
He told me "as soon as you have somewhere for us I will follow". Over a year ago. We have both tried to end it for various reasons, but neither can do so. We don't even last a day without making contact.

I am glad I left my husband, its the one good thing to come of this. I wish I had the opportunity to do it my way, leave him and then introduce AP as it was very unpleasant for a long time after I told exDH about it and he then told the children.

I can kind of understands why he is still there, but I need a deadline and he won't give me one other than a vague "I think by summer..."

Whereas I do wonder if "by summer" I might have decided its too late. How many years will I throw away on a pipe dream?

Dress3 · 22/02/2021 15:14

@FreeAt50 are you 100% sure his wife knows about you?

FreeAt50 · 22/02/2021 15:18

@Dress3 definitely.

We have had contact, not for a while, but yes, she knows.

Dress3 · 22/02/2021 15:21

Don't get why he's still there TBH! Most wives would chuck him out once they knew about you surely?!

FreeAt50 · 22/02/2021 16:18

@Dress3 I am not his first affair. She has turned a blind eye previously due to not wanting to make lifestyle changes. She hasn't turned a blind eye to me as he told her he had fallen in love with me and before it was just for sex.

I am not proud of myself, and everyone who knows me is very shocked at my actions. But if it was easy to walk away threads such as these wouldn't be necessary I guess.

Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 18:16

Met a single man a while ago, both knew we couldn't do anything about it, he said he'd wait, I think I've faffed about too long and he can't wait any longer, I've just blocked him ;(

ginandcv · 23/02/2021 16:25

@FreeAt50 it sounds as if there is a sunk cost here. That because you've waited this long you perhaps don't want to 'waste' having waited.

I dunno.

"When you reach the top of the mountain it's not long before you miss the climb"

Do you think life would be OK when you're together? That you'd have respect, love and trust? Or would you always be resentful about the sacrifices you've made?

FreeAt50 · 23/02/2021 16:34

@ginandcvyou are so right. There is also partly an element of I have to give it a go because of all the destruction I caused in doing this.

I actually think if we were ever together properly things would be really good. the only thing we ever have any stress about is his lack of availability as he can't handle the stress at home if he is caught out with me again, even though we are seen together all the time and it is pretty much common knowledge.

I made the sacrifices willingly to have a future with this man. However I think things will come to a head over the coming months. if how he says he feels is true, and I really do have no reason to doubt it, he isn't one for professing his feelings and being tactile etc apparently, then surely once he has dealt with the issue that prevents us being together now, he will make it happen. I want to get on with the rest of my life and I want him in it, however if he can't or won't make the leap then I will have to suffer the heartache and make the break I think.

I can't bear to think about it, but I have a friend who has been in a similar situation for almost 10 years and that will not be me! Covid has put everyone's life on hold so in a way that made it easier to hang on this long. I need to grow some self respect at some point!

FreeAt50 · 23/02/2021 16:36

@Wakingup55643

Met a single man a while ago, both knew we couldn't do anything about it, he said he'd wait, I think I've faffed about too long and he can't wait any longer, I've just blocked him ;(

You have blocked him just like that without talking first? You are a stronger woman than me and wont he wonder what happened?

mrlistersgelfbride · 17/12/2023 22:04

Apologies for reviving an old thread.
I should name change.

I remember reading this nearly 3 years ago.
I can't believe I'm writing this but I've had an 'affair' , if you can call it that, for 3 and 3/4 years.
He lives far away so it was mainly online, which is how it started. We met once every couple of months, sometimes only for a few minutes. But we messaged all the time and were each others best friends ...or that's what we called it. We spent all night talking sometimes. Used to Skype when we both got out of the house at the same time. Pathetic. Only fully physically once, but no excuses.

I've known I needed to break it off for a long while and over the last couple of years I've not always been very nice to him, I've tried to break it off and he always sent messages saying he loved me and we were back to square 1.
I got a new job which was further away and I basically said we should give up as we'll never see each other again. He will never leave his wife, he's told me.
Then on Thursday I blew up at him, I was upset and stressed about something at work and took it out on him. I said I needed to sign offline and did. Later that day I deleted his contact and unfortunately I can't find it again. I've heard nothing from him which is unusual.
I sent him 2 emails yesterday apologising but he hadn't replied. The tide has turned, I can feel this has to be it.
I cant live my life this way. I can't believe I've spent so much of my life doing this. I've lived a lie for a long time. I need to be strong. It's done.
I read somewhere on here, 'make him hate you if that's what it takes'. That's what I've done, unwittingly. But it has to be a good thing. And fittingly it's at the end of the year too. Next year must be a fresh start.