An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

@seadad you are right. Increasingly I can see that I need to end my relationship with my partner. The few close friends I’ve confided in can see that too.

When you are in your head and trying to rescue everything you hold dear then deceiving yourself is comforting. But I need to own it. And respect my partner enough to let him go. I need to be strong for once.
You have helped. Thanks

Entire threads were removed last year when the stalking ramped up. You rather poetically call it limerence. I call it borderline stalking they requires constant bolstering by other borderline stalkers and then discussing your poor victims to the nth degree

Morning all

So what’s the general consensus on if you should tell your husband. @ginandcv didn’t and it seems to have turned out well after a lot of soul searching. Another poster has told her husband and he’s now a shell of a man. Devastated by her actions but wanting to make it work.

What do we think?

If your AP hasn't left his wife, clearly he is 'not that into you' as the saying goes?
Why do so many women believe that he would but is only staying for the kids?

If he really loved you, he would leave to be with you - forever.

Men, the vast majority of men, love the chase, once they have you, you'll become a commodity, to be enjoyed when the mood takes them.

It's like buying a new car, the value drops massively the moment you drive it out of the dealership.

It's so sad to see how dramatically emotionally involved the women in affairs get, despite what their AP tell them, men won't have a fraction of the 'feelings' for their APs, apart from guaranteed lay with sexy lingerie thrown in and willingness to do anything to please them

You'll get boring for your AP though, eventually.

@praepondero

Correct. Men will spin you any line you want to hear to keep the sex going. Very few affairs will end up in a man leaving his wife, setting up with AP and her kids and living happily ever after and those that do leave behind a lifetime of mental health issues for other people including their own children. There is nothing more selfish than that. All for “The One” “my Soulmate” which let’s face is something you rarely hear coming from a mans lips. It’s

@Alwaystheotherwoman - does your DH suspect? Has he asked you?

Swapping one family for another (spouse and children for the AP and children) isn't very palatable to most. Are people really saying on here that if the guy wanted her AP and loved her then be wild walk out and simply be with his AP? that it's generally acceptable to simply swap families? I think not.

As a man myself would I find that something I could live with myself for? No.

I need to clarify my last post.

"f your AP hasn't left his wife, clearly he is 'not that into you' as the saying goes?
Why do so many women believe that he would but is only staying for the kids?

If he really loved you, he would leave to be with you - forever."

Bull crap. Sorry. Not as black and white as this I am afraid. Men are stereotyped on here and honestly I can't speak for all men but I disagree with the sweeping statements of the comments in quotes.

If you were the female AP and your lover had children and he was very very close to rose children I'm not convinced you would be that impressed that a man like that could simply walk out on his children and shack up with you and your children, essentially swapping families, without so much as a thought for his own children and how this would affect them?

Some men have much closer relationships with their children than others. Some are more hands on as a parent than the female.

I’m confused. Who’s stalking who? Did I miss something 🤷🏼‍♀️

I tend to agree with daddyshark1976. I am out of my relationship with a MM (as a single woman), NC and still working on myself. In my case it could be argued rightly that mine didn't wish to leave his cosy family set up because he didn't care for me enough and enjoyed the benefits of the security of his home and having a mistress. However, at the age of 62 (10 years older than me), just a few years before retiring from his very stressful job, he was fully aware that his wife, who hasn't worked for decades, would be thrown in a very stressful situation. Also, like many others here in France, he was mindful of preserving the family unit and keeping up the appearance of a good family man. His relationship with their adult children is very close knit and he was very afraid of losing their love and approval.

A loving relationship between two single people is about potential and progression. Neither are truly possible in an affair and this creates so much pain and frustration however close both have become on some level.

This is just my opinion.

Agree with @daddyshark1976 some men help a lot more than the women with the children and yes they could be having an affair but does not change they love and care for their children. I suppose it is more tricky as they are between destroying the family their children have or be with their AP.
So I suspect it is never easy to leave if they do truly love their AP as their children will come first and the way to handle the leaving their wife is what can go so wrong and create a trauma for the children.

@User2596

Agree with *@daddyshark1976* some men help a lot more than the women with the children and yes they could be having an affair but does not change they love and care for their children. I suppose it is more tricky as they are between destroying the family their children have or be with their AP. So I suspect it is never easy to leave if they do truly love their AP as their children will come first and the way to handle the leaving their wife is what can go so wrong and create a trauma for the children.

Because it was a miracle for me to be a father in the first instance (medical reasons) once I was able to have children (blessed) I have always been very hands on and more akin to how a mother is traditionally seen as the lead parent. I love my AP. It's been a while since my AP and I spoke, and I guess we are NC (not my decision). I think about my AP about 100 times a day. What gets me through? My children. They would be devastated if I walked, as would I. They are simply too young to understand and I'm not the kind of man to destroy their lives. I am putting me second, and god damn it hurts, but my children get me through the days. I love being a dad and a hands on father. Some men would just walk out for their AP and swap families and maybe even have more children with their AP but for me it's a miracle I even have children and I recognise this. I have to live with my decisions however hard it is on me. It's not just about me.

As regards my AP who I love and I miss every day I arrived at this:

1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

Look it up.

@User2596

Agree with *@daddyshark1976* some men help a lot more than the women with the children and yes they could be having an affair but does not change they love and care for their children. I suppose it is more tricky as they are between destroying the family their children have or be with their AP. So I suspect it is never easy to leave if they do truly love their AP as their children will come first and the way to handle the leaving their wife is what can go so wrong and create a trauma for the children.

Thank you for that. It said a lot to me.

[ quote]As regards my AP who I love and I miss every day I arrived at this:

1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

Look it up.[/ quote]

Accidentally clicked on this thread which I try and avoid like the plague but this has given me the absolutely rage.

An unrepentant adulterer quoting Bible verse? Get real! 🤮 This thread and is predecessors are the absolute pits. I wish there was a separate forum for this.

@daddyshark1976 thanks so much for sharing. It's so insightful to hear a mans point of view on these types of situations.

@daddyshark1976

You are betraying your family by having an affair. When your children find out, it really doesn't matter how 'hands-on' and 'involved' you were with them, they will see you as the traitor, to be despised forevermore.
If you are lucky, one day they might forgive you of your treachery but by then you have lost all their respect, love, and many, many years.

Stop trying to justify your weak and slimy behaviour.

You are betraying your family by ripping up the wows you made to your wife - for better or worse, remember - and fucking another woman.

Simple enough?

@Eleganz you and me both.

Who actually are these weirdos?

Does @daddyshark1976 's wife know that daddyshark has been having an affiar?

@Eleganz

[ quote]As regards my AP who I love and I miss every day I arrived at this:

1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

Look it up.[/ quote]

Accidentally clicked on this thread which I try and avoid like the plague but this has given me the absolutely rage.

An unrepentant adulterer quoting Bible verse? Get real! 🤮 This thread and is predecessors are the absolute pits. I wish there was a separate forum for this.

I registered to say the same. Wow. Just wow.

Just when you thought this thread couldn't get any more hypocritical.

@Onthedunes

Does *@daddyshark1976* 's wife know that daddyshark has been having an affiar?

Yes old news now. Obviously not a good situation. I accept my responsibilities.

And I don't actually have much of an opinion on extra marital shagging. It's wrong of course but that's not actually my main issue with these threads.

My complaint is the borderline criminal behaviour and also the fact that this stupid thread is in Relationships - how insensitive can you get?

One thing is correct that I just read. There are a lot of hypocrites on this forum.

@daddyshark1976 I understand you, I am the AP on this case and I can see how hard it is for him. I have walked away from him so many times as I can see how much pain the situation would cause for everyone specially the children which are so innocent about the poor decisions the adults have made. I would say try to ignore comments which are not helpful, it it so easy to judge but I do believe you could cheat and that does not make you a bad parent or a bad person. I think if you AP has gone NC you should respect that and hope things get better with time.

@daddyshark1976

As a Christian, I find you using that part of Paul's letter where he is describing God's love and charity to describe your affair very distasteful. That is absolutely NOT what Paul was writing about in those verses. Justify your affair how you like, but don't claim that it is in anyway godly.

I don't think there is any thought of families and children at home when affairs begin.

My take ...most affairs are fantasy relationships in this regard, more akin to eay teenage relationships, fleeting and snatched moments without responsibilities to consider or share. But the emotions can be just as moving as in adolescence - and many 'feel' that way again initially.
When reality creeps in, the prospect of broken homes, divorce, blended families, relationship with exes and extended family, work and money - they are shut out. Like dumping all that adulthood on a 15 year old - it doesn't bear thinking about. So better to keep everything secret and pretend in the safe bubble of just the two.
Protecting that bubble from reality increasingly takes cognitive dissonance, lies, deception, learned little tricks.
And eventually one or other wants more than the shallow stolen moments that leave acres of time apart. Being 'together' becomes something to contemplate. But it lets in the cold air of reality - and in the fog of those feelings - it's impossible to think clearly- much easier to 'future fake' to calm the desire for togetherness.
Then arguments start - tiffs, spats, misunderstandings - about being a priority, about shared feelings, about plans and values and needs. But there is no-one but your own counsel i this secret pain.
And as the thrill becomes less intense and the reality becomes harder to shut out - scales begin to lift. What are we doing? What have we done? What is the happy resolution? What do we really want?

But in life you can't always get what you want - and the fantasy of happy blended families sharing parents, forgiving exes and financial security seems far removed. Some decide they want to go back to what they had before, some see the changes they need to make - rarely are the feelings mutual between to APs. But you've got so used to lying you say what AP wants to hear now, you don't want things to blow up while you hovver in this uncertainty. But it's all more lain than pleasure now. Like any addiction - it gives you a taste of heaven and then slowly drags you into hell.