Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 22:13

@Cairnterrorist

I really agree

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 22:14

A thread where a husband was being physically abusive to his wife wouldn’t be full of that’s ok it is grand sure you carry on.

It took far far longer to sort my head out from the lies and gaslighting than it took the bruises to heal.

Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 22:24

@Cairnterrorist

As coercive control is now recognised as disturbing abusing behaviour, the gaslighting, lying and manipulation that is used in long affairs will one day be recognised by everyone as just as disgusting.

The stories on this thread are pathetic to be honest.

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 22:26

@Jo67665 agree.

I don’t understand why this thread isn’t seen for what it is to be honest.

Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 22:39

@Cairnterrorist

I have been reading this thread for a while and just cringing, people think they are in some special, loving relationship. Based on what? Lies and deception? These are shallow, stupid people in shallow, stupid relationships. They look to Mumsnet for support because they have no one else that gives a shit! That's how pathetic it all is. They are incapable of changing. It's best to just leave them to it. I'm leaving this forum but I'm humoured by the idea that these people are capable of ever being in a loving relationship. They are abusers. No more, no less. I have NO more time for abusers. I have a life to live. And so do you. Take care xxxx

And I know the abusers would be glad I'm gone, so predictable, I say to you I'm living a life where I'm not destroying others. Maybe you could try it.

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 22:41

@Jo67665 don’t leave mumsnet just leave the thread. I agree with you.

I hope mumsnet take action.

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 22:46

@FelicityWhiskers

Entire threads were removed last year when the stalking ramped up. You rather poetically call it limerence. I call it borderline stalking they requires constant bolstering by other borderline stalkers and then discussing your poor victims to the nth degree
Wth are you on about? Spit it out rather than alluding to god knows what
wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 22:46

[quote Cairnterrorist]@Jo67665 don’t leave mumsnet just leave the thread. I agree with you.

I hope mumsnet take action.[/quote]
For adults behaving in a way you don't agree with?

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 22:49

I don’t agree with approval of abuse.

And make no mistake. What you are doing is abuse.

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 23:10

It's not though is it
It's deceptive it's immoral it's duplicitous
But it is not abuse

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 23:11

It is emotionally abusing your primary partner.

At the very least.

Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 23:17

Gaslighting is abuse. Pretending one thing is reality when another thing is true. That is the basis of affairs. And it is ABUSE. And it causes many problems for the victim. Even if they don't suspect an affair, even if they just notice a change. It's abuse. Fucking with another person's reality is abuse. That's what you are doing in an affair. Fucking with their belief of what is true and what is not. It is abuse.

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 23:24

Absolutely @Jo67665. Spot. On.

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 23:28

It's not emotional abuse as they have no awareness of it

Cairnterrorist · 24/01/2021 23:30

Do you really think they don’t know there’s something up?

You are more deluded than I thought.

Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 23:31

@wetasstenalady

So your argument is if you are highly skilled at lying and manipulation. If the victim does not suspect anything is wrong then you are not guilty of emotional abuse?

I literally have no words. I do have pity though. You just don't see it, do you?

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 23:46

My husband lies a lot. I've caught him out several times and he's always said something like what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over
But yeah I don't need your pity as you have zero idea what my life is like and how I came to be where I am- and also you don't need to as this may shock you - not everyone situation is identikit

SomersetHamlyn · 24/01/2021 23:46

@Jo67665 don't allow yourself to be driven off this site by desperate, abusive, egocentric, lying, deluded narcissists.

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 23:47

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@Jo67665 don't allow yourself to be driven off this site by desperate, abusive, egocentric, lying, deluded narcissists.[/quote]
Or you could just spend your time on threads that you get something from? Like a lot of people on here are getting something from

Jo67665 · 24/01/2021 23:55

@wetasstenalady

You do have my pity. And I promise I am not gloating. Your life is diabolical. And you are aware of that. I do wish your life was different. I wish you weren't where you are.

wetasstenalady · 24/01/2021 23:59

@Jo67665 if that's what you think you are entitled to those thoughts
Who knows what goes on behind closed doors you would be surprised

Fearandsurprise · 25/01/2021 00:02

@Jo67665

Gaslighting is abuse. Pretending one thing is reality when another thing is true. That is the basis of affairs. And it is ABUSE. And it causes many problems for the victim. Even if they don't suspect an affair, even if they just notice a change. It's abuse. Fucking with another person's reality is abuse. That's what you are doing in an affair. Fucking with their belief of what is true and what is not. It is abuse.
These words are so powerful and should be posted on every thread where someone is thinking about starting an affair or is already in one.

People can still ask for support through the ending of their affairs, but if they recognise what their actions are they can start finding the ways to move forward.

Jo67665 · 25/01/2021 00:07

@wetasstenalady

I'm not sure I understand your comments. You talk about what goes on behind closed doors? Is that not the point in posting? To show what's going on?

The truth is you need support to end your marriage. You need support full stop actually. To me, you seem like you have been asking for support on this thread for a long time? I am going to ask people to start seeing that and offering it to you if I'm going to be honest. I hope you are getting it through private messaging.

wetasstenalady · 25/01/2021 00:30

The whole affairs all always wrong. The poor gaslit spouse. Sometimes the spouse does the gaslighting
Sometimes the AP is just a glimmer of joy in a quite hopeless joyless life. I'm sorry someone did you wrong but I'm sure that wasn't 100% cut and dried either like you would have people think
Anyway I'm not concerned about what you think of me if I'm honest. This thread clearly says what it's about. If you choose to stumble upon it and act outraged please continue but it seems you are just picking at a scab and opening up old wounds which is neither use nor ornament

Jo67665 · 25/01/2021 00:39

@wetasstenalady

Whatever you say

Swipe left for the next trending thread