An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

I am not judging just explaining that you are currently in the midst of a saga, a part of your life which in 2 years time may not exist.
You will look back and think why did I do that?

Maybe you won't, maybe you are wonderful enough to get your prize.
But at what cost?

My husband ended up detesting the ow for ruining his life, unfair but thats how men think. He also detested me for not loving him again.
His children no longer respect him, family and friends can no longer look him in the eye, his reputation was ruined.
Relationships with Grandchildren are now fractured.

He is broken, my resolve to keep him away is as strong as the bond which kept us together for many years.

I can't see what is actually in it for the ow, you loose your self respect, the respect of family, society and in many cases the children of both partnerships.

You are all better than that, and deserve better, if you fall in love with a man do it properly, with respect and pride from the beggining.

'We are our choices' - Jean- Paul Sartre

@wetasstenalady

I'm struggling today. I'm so so tempted to message him. I really want that connection with him. Also feel really emotional today generally. Please anyone who can offer any advice

A couple of questions....

Are you a SOW (single) or MOW?

What do you ultimately want from the relationship and do you think you'll be able to get it with him?

@Blondesnotbombs

My AP messaged me earlier calling it quits, that he doesn’t want to hurt my family or me. That he would rather wait til we are both single.....

Within two hours of that message he’s asked me to go round for sex, half joking half not. (I’m not going to go)

What am I supposed to do with this.... I love and want him SO much but am feeling much the same / I want o stop but can’t!

What are you supposed to do with it? Block him, that's what. On everything.

I read the other thread but it felt a bit long and established for me to join in. I’ve been no contact for 2 months now, I’ve ended my marriage anyway (he doesn’t know) which I think is right. We’ve agreed we will live separately and he will look for somewhere else. The issues in it are what caused the affair anyway aren’t they..
I’m broken. Utterly broken. I miss my AP partner, despite the fact they are nasty and often treated me very poorly. There was also a real connection and I now have that with no one and feel very very alone and scared.
I think I’m on the right path, but it definitely doesn’t make it the easy one.

@RabbitsGoneRogue

It sounds like you are doing the correct thing but may I say that if your AP was nasty, something you probably put up with because hey how can you implant boundaries when you share someone.

He knew this and disrespected you for it.
You now are in the possition to find someone who loves you and you alone and the self respect you will gain from that will be amazing.!

@Onthedunes yes I think you’re probably right. I look at what I put up with (and if I’m honest I probably would still put up with it if pushed. It’s taking every ounce of willpower not to try and reconcile) and think - my god, I think I’m worth more than that.

I think my marriage has crushed me, I feel so small. I hope once it’s over and I can move on in myself I will be able to have more self respect.

Today I'm struggling I've thought of him lots and I fell off the wagon looked at his social media and wife had tagged him in a new year picture passed out with her and the kids all together in the bed. I feel guilt and relieved I don't think she's found out like I feared, but the hurt of the ending is very painful. It feels like withdrawal
I'm hoping I will get over it soon.

@RabbitsGoneRogue

You are worth more than that.
Many men are shits, but they can only be shits if there is someone allowing them to be.

Don't be that woman, put your efforts into someone new, it could be the best decision of your life.

@Pepperxo

If I loved someone it would break my heart to see family photos of love.

Wouldn't you like that for youself also? to post whatever you like whenever you like, with your own lovely family.

Even if he left her for you , these memories will still be in your head.

Start the new year by finding your own special person, who will be pround to show you to the world and beyond.

Your fear is all that holds you back.
He has hand picked you because of that fear.

Don't be scared, you can do it.

[quote SandyY2K]**@wetasstenalady

I'm struggling today. I'm so so tempted to message him. I really want that connection with him. Also feel really emotional today generally. Please anyone who can offer any advice

A couple of questions....

Are you a SOW (single) or MOW?

What do you ultimately want from the relationship and do you think you'll be able to get it with him?[/quote]
I am married
The year before last my marriage was rock bottom. A guy gave me the attention I was missing and boom like a fool I was gone. It went on and off etc. I don't want the other man- I think he is almost predatory and was certainly emotionally abusive. He would say stuff like oh I just sulk or make like awkward at home and I usually get what I want. He isn't a nice person and I see that. Except he was at times . And those times got fewer and fewer as it went along. I just feel sad that even a total pig like him isn't interested in me anymore.

@Pepperxo

Today I'm struggling I've thought of him lots and I fell off the wagon looked at his social media and wife had tagged him in a new year picture passed out with her and the kids all together in the bed. I feel guilt and relieved I don't think she's found out like I feared, but the hurt of the ending is very painful. It feels like withdrawal I'm hoping I will get over it soon.

I am a married OW with 1 DC so I do have someone to post pictures with the guilt I felt was not only for exAps DW but also my own family. Me and DH have had an affair we are going to therapy I still love my DH very much. The OM was just a distraction from my marital problems.

Wasn't sure whether to post again. But here goes:

I ended a short affair a year ago.

My marriage is great. DH did nothing wrong. I had my head turned and was stupid and selfish. Only a couple of friends know but DH is none the wiser. What helped was:

Journaling
Listening to podcasts, reading books, you tube videos etc
Counselling
Medication
Exercise
Got an STI test (the shame of this - eugh)

I can honestly say I'm a better person/parent and wife now.

Maybe it's like an alcoholic being sober? I make conscious choices. I felt I wandered into the affair but I couldn't wander back out.

The AP declared his love for me and left his wife on the same day. He moved out and put pressure on me to do the same. It was very intense. He had/has some mental health problems which stunned me into inertia. I felt like I owed it to him to leave?

Looking back I think he had some narc tendencies. I can also see that the affair was just limmerance. There was some fine future faking going on. Ridiculous behaviour from both of us.

I will say I was never co-erced. I literally only have myself to blame. DH is brilliant. Laid back and trusts me completely. I will NEVER do this again. It wasn't worth it. The reason I never confessed is that I didn't want him to feel he had any fault. He didn't.

The AP and I did have some contact after I ended things (project) but luckily COVID put an end to it. I haven't seen him for about 6 months. Haven't spoken to him for about 3 months. Not on social media either.

He's had some serious relationships since we split - moved in with a woman in the spring. He's with someone else now.

I can answer questions but I will ignore any insults as it's not helpful.

I’m here to mark my place, I’ve changed username since the last thread because honestly the amount of abuse I received via DM was too much.
Not sure if I’m ready to share yet based on that but I’ll see how the thread pans out the. Decide

@Poppop4 I’m sorry that some people can’t help themselves but cast judgement on a situation they aren’t in.

Sending love strength and support.

Just as a side for anyone who who reads this to send hate to a poster - you have no idea the hate and guilt they already hold for themselves nor what they may have been through that has led to making these mistakes. It’s hard! You have no right to abuse someone looking for support.

I'm on the app so don't see any PMs. How horrible.

Not a hating post, just pointing out that your previous decision to love someone elses husband/partner shows you don't have empathy.

People with no empathy usually can only be selfish and self entitled, therefore your future decisions I can't imagine will be any different

You might have high psychological motivation to believe this but it is clearly anti-reality bollocks and I think you should reflect on your need to believe something so clearly untrue.

@Affor

You should continue to post. (I am stella3, I've left using Mumsnet for a number of reasons but I felt bad about what I said to you so temporarily came back to apologise). I remember this thread from before and I misunderstood it a bit. Support is something everyone needs in every circumstance and who am I to judge who deserves it and who doesn't. So, wishing you all the best for 2021. Take care everyone.

It's comforting to know that there are others out there in this position.
The AP is a work colleague, it started as him texting me just normal work stuff and unfortunately progressed from there.
I don't like the bloke (he is so work shy), he is very condensending towards women and thinks he's funny when he's not. Yet still I will text him. Is it the attention I like, probably yes (which is tragic I know). I have no idea why I have acted in this way as I have a loving husband and 2 DC.
For those who are willing to offer advice.....I know I need to block him but we always said we would talk first. Is that just crap? I did block him but he managed to creep back in 😣
It started in Feb last year and I just want to put an end to it once and for all for the sake of my marriage as I do not want to lose my OH.

My ap is also my boss at work, it started in august/sept as innocent messaging and progressed in oct/nov/dec. my marriage was over before it began but for a number of reasons v hard to leave.
We message everyday and i felt like things had been very honest.
Since xmas day things been wierd, he has reached out everyday to message me, but its been quiet and he did also say he is having dramas at home his wife is checking his messages etx. Our last message was friday when the last thing he messaged was that he didnt know where his marriage was going. I just replied to say i didnt know what to say its difficult.
I didnt hear from him all day yesterday which is the first time. I love him.
Things have been so awful with ny dh also over xmas that i think we will defo separate as he is so angry around the children.
In your experience of ap and a suspicious wife is this normal? Or is my hunch right. He could find a way to call me? Has called me once this week. Argh. Now i feel mental i just cant stop thinking about him

Wish I'd never met him, I was struggling to sleep last night even dreaming about him I've been missing him a lot which is sick because he's a horrible bastard and I don't want a real relationship with him . It's like an addiction!!
I'm on almost 3 weeks NC I've been trying to keep busy but it's so hard with it being lock down to do anything other than think about it.

@Pepperxo well done for three weeks !!!

Yes it is hard when there’s nothing much else happening! Stay strong though he will soon be a memory

@Pepperxo that's the thing I struggle with. I miss him so much but he is a really selfish horrible person. It literally is like being addicted to a harmful substance

@Pepperxo it is definitely like an addiction, but like any addiction it can be stopped. It's shit though when you're in the middle of it.

I’m glad I’ve found this thread.
My AP and I work together - since meeting I’ve left my H (he found out and it was the push I needed to end the marriage) and his BW was told by my H around 6 months in. Such a mess. They are still living together and we decided to end the affair after 2 years. I was broken for a very long time and have never felt a love like it. It’s hard to not have my best friend anymore. I hope to give support to others going through this.

I think @Onthedunes is seeing things very much from her own perspective and through the lens of her own situation, which is fine, but obviously for some OW there is something to be got out of it. My uncle had an affair with the woman he's now married to. They've been married for ten years. Nobody in the family thinks either of them is a terrible person; we all vastly prefer his new wife to his old one, who was emotionally and physically abusive.