An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

That post from Seadad was spot on, but Seadad and I have had our arguments on here too There is a difference between a post like that and ones that come on (or DM ) taunting us, calling us sluts and homewreckers and abusers, telling us we're not serious about leaving etc.

I'm sorry to people who've been overlooked. Do you want to post again and we'll carry on as best we can?

I think the best thing to do for us on here who genuinely want help and tips for getting over AP is to ignore any unhelpful posts. Just don't respond and don't rise to it and we'll just keep on as normal?

I certainly didn't mean Seadad is the problem, sorry, my bad!

So I’ll give it one last try...

Do you think you should confess to your husband you’ve been having an affair. Even when he may or may not suspect. It’s been going on for two years and he asked me before and I said no. Things are probably coming to a natural end with AP, we clearly want different things from each other so what is the point of upsetting my husband and causing him unnecessary pain?

What’s the general consensus?

Hello Alwaystheotherwoman, can I start the ball rolling and ask your reasons for potentially telling him?

@Alwaystheotherwoman do you want to stay with your husband?

I think there's a school of thought that if you want to stay and your marriage needs work, then you either need to tell him so you're both working from the same place, or you don't tell him and have to do all the work yourself. The issue with the second is that he is already feeling unsure enough to question you, and so might not get past that feeling even if he doesn't know.

If you don't want to stay, then I wouldn't tell him. It will only cause him pain and you some relief, following by chaos.

@DustyMuse
I don’t think I have any reason to tell him. I just read so many posts on here that everyone needs to know the truth and let it be their decision to either stay or go. I’m now questioning whether I should do this or not. There aren’t many positive stories of keeping quiet. Apart from @ginandcv

@Alwaystheotherwoman

So I’ll give it one last try...

Do you think you should confess to your husband you’ve been having an affair. Even when he may or may not suspect. It’s been going on for two years and he asked me before and I said no. Things are probably coming to a natural end with AP, we clearly want different things from each other so what is the point of upsetting my husband and causing him unnecessary pain?

What’s the general consensus?

I guess the key thing here is that he suspected before, and you denied it, so I don't think it would be good to admit to it now......

If you stay with your husband and make a go of getting back on track I definitely wouldn't admit to it but would advise 100% commitment to NC of the AP.

If you're not going to stay with your husband I also see no reason to admit to it as it would spare him more pain. This is regardless off whether you're eventually going to be with your AP.

In your specific situation I would only recommend admitting to it if he asked you point blank again if something was going on and at that point I think I personally would tell the truth.

It must be so difficult to be analysing it all from every angle. Weighing everything up.

I wish my ex husband had come clean about his affair instead of gaslighting me but he left me anyway. (It was horrendously painful at the time for the children and I but I realised with time that both of us were responsible for the breakdown of our marriage before he cheated.)

I also wish my ex MM would have had a proper conversation with his wife instead of lying to her constantly because I thought it would mean they could start afresh a new more honest chapter in their marriage (with me out of the picture of course). But that is just my way of thinking. Many say that it serves no purpose to say anything if you have decided to cut ties with your AP and work on your marriage.

I'm being of no use at all, am I? I'm sorry.

@DustyMuse

It must be so difficult to be analysing it all from every angle. Weighing everything up.

I wish my ex husband had come clean about his affair instead of gaslighting me but he left me anyway. (It was horrendously painful at the time for the children and I but I realised with time that both of us were responsible for the breakdown of our marriage before he cheated.)

I also wish my ex MM would have had a proper conversation with his wife instead of lying to her constantly because I thought it would mean they could start afresh a new more honest chapter in their marriage (with me out of the picture of course). But that is just my way of thinking. Many say that it serves no purpose to say anything if you have decided to cut ties with your AP and work on your marriage.

I'm being of no use at all, am I? I'm sorry.

It's like naughts and crosses. No one wins.

There's no winners of an affair. Even if the marriage survives there's going to be loss of trust and the opportunity for things to be brought up in a future argument. If the affair coming out destroys the marriage it's likely that the AP won't be there to have a relationship with either.

Sorry I missed your post @affor
I’m more than likely going to stay with my husband. I know I’ll get flamed for this but I have too much to lose. That didn’t stop me looking for the fun or excitement though.

Thank you also to @daddyshark1976 - 100% agree with you

@dustymuse - no thank you I like to hear it from all view points. Gives me something else to think about apart from my AP!

Yes that sums it up daddyshark. There are no winners in affairs.

I was shocked how my MM claimed to have no remorse about lying to his wife. As though it was his right to do as he pleased as long as he stayed in the marriage.

People are so complicated. He was certainly selfish and weak but he also went to great lengths to support his wife and adult children. No one is black or white.

I'm not a tormentor - but I have said that I think affair relationships aren't grounded in the reality of people's lives - (which I think was better explained in my longer post). Some might have thought I was goading - but I was trying to express some harsh truths in reference to the pain of affairs.

I think myself an @Affor had a misunderstanding- that my post might have been aimed at her AP - and understandably took exception. I confirmed it wasn't, and I think we moved on?
Some people have wanted to name call rather than offer insight - often from a position of having been on the receiving end of affairs, so also understandable although less constructive.

Me too. Its really quite frustrating. We accept we are in the wrong. Good people make bad decisions. Me having an ap does not make me a bad mother and i am in the process now of making steps to leave my dh not to be with my ap but because my marriage is toxic and that is bad for my children and actually maybe my eyes have been opened by having venture into muddy waters with ap how toxic and awful it is (my husband frequently shouts and storms out like a 13yr old child) . And throught this I will need to concentrate on me and my kids not ap. this forum has been helpful and i hope people will still share their stories and advice and we can get back on track

Thank you Alwaystheotherwoman. I guess all we can do is try to get it right, to make things better but that often means walking through painful times to get there.

@Alwaystheotherwoman it’s difficult and not trxt book but mostly i think it will resolve some of your guilt but destroy your dh. Sometimes providing of course you truly are going to cut ties 💯 with ap then like @ginandcv if you want to make it really work i think you can

Gosh I came across this thread.

It’s horrible.

I was lied to by my ex about an affair he denied it and and I went to see a counsellor because I thought I was going mad.

You all need to wise up and find some honesty. This is emotionally abusive to your partners as someone else said.

And as for quoting a bible verse. I have no words beyond abhorrent.

It doesn't make u a bad person and u r absolutely a great mother. I'm bringing up mine alone no paternal interest and it is what it is. U have a right to your own life too. Judge yourselves kindly.

Ohh another one yay

I'm sorry for your pain. These guys didn't cause it

Hang on if your being asked directly and lying to your partner that is different i think. She said in the past. If he asking now then i get its potential to create such adverse affects in your partner. But my husband has no reason to suspect me or ask me and it will not be something i would cite as that would literally destroy him. Not need for that. He doesnt need to trust me cos this marriage is going to end.

@ThatsAllFolks

Ohh another one yay

Well aren’t you a peach.

Wtaf?

When someone suspects an affair and you lie to them about it that creates an abusive situation called GASLIGHTING. This isn't a debatable topic. It's always wrong. You do what you choose, but don't all muddle in your little circle and pat each other on the back and say it's okay. It's never okay.

Most of you have no intention of leaving.

This is relationships. On mumsnet. Where people whose lives have been destroyed by affairs post day and daily.

And it’s ok that you lot have this self congratulatory thread where you can all tell each other it’s ok it’s not that bad and you all deserve to be happy regardless of the abuse you are inflicting.

This thread is an absolute disgrace.

@Alwaystheotherwoman my dh maintains that telling him the truth was absolutely the right way forward. I'm not entirely convinced because it has destroyed him but he repeats this is better than remaining in the dark. However, I knew I was leaving anyway and wasn't asking him to forgive me. And he has said he wouldn't have been able to. So if you're planning on staying I'm not so sure. I have read the Shirley Glass book and can see how for some, stripping the relationship back and rebuilding it can work but it's a massive gamble. I suppose it depends how sure you are about being done with AP.