An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

@Fearandsurprise

Thank you. I often think the whole language of an "affair" needs to be changed to illustrate exactly what it is. Because it is so much more than sex or emotional connection with someone other than your partner/ spouse.

I think this thread could have two parallel conversations. One for the AP supporting each other, another for a discussion on the basic truths behind it?

Sorry that comment was in general, not to anyone specifically.

I agree that the language needs to be less “star crossed lovers denied a full-time relationship by an inconvenient spouse” and more inclusive of all of the parties being affected.

But, many of the women (not all, of course) in relationships with married men have appallingly low self-esteem and think that a cheating scumbag is all they are worth. And I’m not sure that they have the emotional strength to cope with seeing themselves as enabling the emotional abuse of another person, or abusing their own partner (if they have one).

@wetasstenalady

The whole affairs all always wrong. The poor gaslit spouse. Sometimes the spouse does the gaslighting Sometimes the AP is just a glimmer of joy in a quite hopeless joyless life. I'm sorry someone did you wrong but I'm sure that wasn't 100% cut and dried either like you would have people think Anyway I'm not concerned about what you think of me if I'm honest. This thread clearly says what it's about. If you choose to stumble upon it and act outraged please continue but it seems you are just picking at a scab and opening up old wounds which is neither use nor ornament

Not knowing why you are trapped in a relationship where each of you is gaslighting the other, all I can say is I hope you can find the support, from family, Women’s aid, etc to step away from your situation.

@MammaBear92

I know I will get flamed for this but I'm just over 2 months free of AP and I am struggling so bad. I have 2 young DC at home to care for a Dp who is the main earner and a great dad. The physical affair started in 2018 and happened for 6 months then it dwindled to emotional affair until november 2020(I admitted the affair) During the emotional affair I felt push/pulled by him. One minute he wanted me next he didn't next he was making it work with her next he wasn't. I felt I was more of a burden at some points. I had a abortion too in the March right after our physical affair ended and I feel its left me in pain as he did not care! We both went on to have one child after the abortion. Recently I discovered he is selling his house but as far as I'm aware they are still together so I'm guessing their moving for a fresh start. I need to get past this I was just looking for some advice.

Go completely no contact with him and stop looking for information about his life. He was probably lying to you the whole time about not making things work with his wife, the way you were lying to your DP.

@MammaBear92

I know I will get flamed for this but I'm just over 2 months free of AP and I am struggling so bad. I have 2 young DC at home to care for a Dp who is the main earner and a great dad. The physical affair started in 2018 and happened for 6 months then it dwindled to emotional affair until november 2020(I admitted the affair) During the emotional affair I felt push/pulled by him. One minute he wanted me next he didn't next he was making it work with her next he wasn't. I felt I was more of a burden at some points. I had a abortion too in the March right after our physical affair ended and I feel its left me in pain as he did not care! We both went on to have one child after the abortion. Recently I discovered he is selling his house but as far as I'm aware they are still together so I'm guessing their moving for a fresh start. I need to get past this I was just looking for some advice.

Block and delete him on everything and out the emotional energy you were investing in your affair in to your main relationship.

@MammaBear92

My dp knew we weren't getting on together very well there was a bit of emotional abuse on his part that he now admits and we have attended couples councilling. There is no excuse for the affair and there was a lot of rumours about him getting close to other members of staff (he was my boss) But who knows what's rumours or what's true?

I have changed my phone number and doing my best to move forward but my minds permanently filled with thoughts of him and the past.
I know times great healer so I'm looking forward to the future and getting to that point where I dont think about him.

You might want to read the earlier post with the opinion about how someone having an affair is actually emotionally abusing their partner, to get another perspective.

[quote MammaBear92]@Fearandsurprise

I just reread about the emotional abuse and I do agree with that.
I have been open and honest to my dp since i admitted the affair and completely transparent with everything including any details he wants to know.
I have never done this before and never will again I have learnt some harsh lessons self inflicted.
But the affair has left me hurt and upset as I thought it was the real thing for both of us.

I just struggle how can he carry on and not be hurting the same as me.[/quote]
I’ll be blunt. Your AP is not hurting because he didn’t care. You were one of possibly many women he’s played with like this.

You were still having an emotional affair when you decided to have another baby with your husband? I have to say that is really shocking.

How do you know he isn’t hurting? How does he know you are?

He lies. You lie. That’s what you do when you have an affair.

Every single word out of either of your mouths to each other could be a lie.

And he’s, having a baby with your partner whilst in an affair is abhorrent.

*yes

@Fearandsurprise

I agree that the language needs to be less “star crossed lovers denied a full-time relationship by an inconvenient spouse” and more inclusive of all of the parties being affected.

But, many of the women (not all, of course) in relationships with married men have appallingly low self-esteem and think that a cheating scumbag is all they are worth. And I’m not sure that they have the emotional strength to cope with seeing themselves as enabling the emotional abuse of another person, or abusing their own partner (if they have one).

Thing is yes when you are in it you are all star crossed lovers who will never be with their soulmate because there are too many obstacles in the way. If only fate could intervene.... But then when you step away and OM is nowhere to be seen as he's enjoying his comfortable life and has prob replaced you with another thrill that's when you see it for what it is. Tawdry. Cheap. Oldest trick in the book. Seeing post upon post of similar experiences lays out the reality. It's doomed. It's wrong. It's terrible. Seeing these kind of posts really helps people see that and shouldn't be censored

Wetasstenalady Thanks for saying the “tough love” style posts shouldn’t be censored. I had a friend who was chasing after married men and was insistent that she was doing nothing wrong because no one had said anything to her. What she didn’t realise was that her behaviour was obvious and she was the subject of some rather unpleasant gossip, but no-one felt it was their place to say anything. I see Mumsnet as the place where people can tell you the things your friends might be thinking but are too embarrassed to tell you.

[quote MammaBear92]**@Fearandsurprise* @Cairnterrorist*

We drifted apart after the abortion and a few months later I fell pregnant.
I told him and a month or two later he announced he was having a baby.
Then in the november the messages started up again and we were back connected.
I'm ashamed of it I wont lie[/quote]
Putting aside your behaviour, his behaviour was appalling - not caring about your abortion and then re-starting your emotional affair while his wife was pregnant or had a new baby. Is your self-esteem so low that you see him as being worth your energy?

MammaBear92 It sounds like he knew what to say to keep you interested and boosting his ego. If you had been the one having his baby, he would have been messaging someone else to get together while you were being induced and chatting with someone else during your labour.

MammaBear92 It doesn’t matter why he hasn’t tried to contact you. Maybe he’s found a new mistress. Maybe he’s bored with you, or finds you too needy. Maybe he’s being disciplined at work for inappropriate relationships with subordinates. Maybe he’s making a go of his marriage and wants to move on. Assume whichever one helps you to move on.

@MammaBear92

When she went into hospital to get induced he messaged me saying about going down to his house to spend some time together. From there I started to see the real him I think. He was also messaging me through her labour just normal conversation.

This is absolutely disgusting of him. Inviting you to their home when his wife was being induced to give birth to his baby. Fuck me that's grim.

Whenever you have a pang of any feelings for him, read that couple of sentences back (the ones in bold) and surely it will be enough to make that pang go away?!

His poor wife, he has treated her with utter contempt.

The level of arrogant and narcissistic you have to be to confidently invite your AP to your home at that time is just unreal. Did you go?