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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An APfree 2021

599 replies

Affor · 31/12/2020 16:50

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

OP posts:
Scorpiogirl123 · 31/12/2020 17:29

Well said @Affor

Onthedunes · 31/12/2020 17:43

@Affor

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

You can't make better decisions.

Not a hating post, just pointing out that your previous decision to love someone elses husband/partner shows you don't have empathy.

People with no empathy usually can only be selfish and self entitled, therefore your future decisions I can't imagine will be any different.

They will be based on your wants and needs.
Don't you think?

SandyY2K · 31/12/2020 17:44

We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

That's very positive and reflective.

Pepperxo · 31/12/2020 18:09

Joining this thread last spoke to AP 2 weeks ago. I had been having an affair for 3 years my DH had one before me so it was a bit of revenge but I fell for him. Me and OM aren't suited though really it was a bit of light relief and romance

I had an abortion 6 weeks ago it was APs I felt very guilty on our families and also the foetus who was created because of our selfishness. , it has seemed to accelerate the ending we have both blocked each other. I don't really feel very sad about ending things with him maybe as time goes on I will feel better. Actually getting on with my life me and DH are getting along and going to therapy.

Planning on moving house AP knows where I live and I feel much better if we have a fresh start.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/12/2020 19:45

Not a hating post, just pointing out that your previous decision to love someone elses husband/partner shows you don't have empathy...
People with no empathy usually can only be selfish and self entitled, therefore your future decisions I can't imagine will be any different.

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. It is an absolutely wrong thing to do, for sure, but if everyone who did it was sociopathic or borderline, that's a LOT of apparently irredeemable and effectively evil people. I am not minimising the pain of the betrayed partners or defending affairs, but it simply does not follow that a person can't make better decisions after a bad one. This thread is literally for people who have the empathy to realise they've done something wrong, and to try to do better from now on.

NotaCoolMum · 31/12/2020 19:49

@Onthedunes that is a load of utter crap.

CrazyInLockdown · 31/12/2020 20:34

Have name changed for this one for obvious reasons.
I think affairs are so very common and happen to good people too. I think it’s also much more common that women have affairs, but that they are better at covering it up or better at discovering affairs perhaps?

I read the other thread and wanted to come on and tell my story, but will see how this thread goes as only interested if thread turns supportive. I hope it does as I feel this is something really difficult to share with others.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2020 20:43

I think it’s also much more common that women have affairs, but that they are better at covering it up or better at discovering affairs perhaps?

I agree with you. A lot of women seem to think it's only men who step out and behave in this way... that women are holier than thou. Its a myth.

I used to think it was more men who have affairs...but in the last 7/8 years...I've been proved wrong.

My experience is also that when an affair is exposed where the wife cheats....the husband often feels embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to know. He feels emasculated and even if he doesn't end the marriage...he wants it kept quiet.

Affairs can be complex, yet simple.

Haybale35 · 01/01/2021 19:08

I have been going to and fro whether or not to post.
My story is a little different in that I do not love the AP, in fact I did not find him attractive at all. It was an arrangement that suited us both at the time.
As someone said in the other thread, it's like a drug and it's bloody hard to stop taking that drug.
I find myself acting desperate to talk to him, I have no idea why as he is a very selfish person and is very much take take take (especially from a work perspective). I know he is trying to stop talking to me but I want to get in there first. Part of me wants to just block but there is another part of me that wants to have a go at him.
For those who will say I am a bad person, I know I have to live with this and live with the guilt every single day.

CrazyDazey · 01/01/2021 19:34

I think it’s so true that women have affairs but don’t tend to get caught easily. In my case my AP didn’t know he was an AP because I never told him about DH. This went on for years but was before the days of social media, not sure it would be possible today.I probably win the prize for biggest bitch of the thread now.
I was really attracted to AP physically, but found it boring to spend more than a few hours with him and the sex wasn’t even that great.

Still miss him and think about him an unhealthy amount.

Original poster
Affor · 01/01/2021 19:43

@CrazyInLockdown give it a go if you feel up to it. There will be people who come on to give their piece, but we dealt with it on the last thread and I do one found it hugely supportive.

I spoke to my AP today for the first time since Christmas, which is unusual for us. We usually speak every day but he needed 'some time to get lost in his head' and apparently consider his emotions etc Hmm

I don't begrudge him this time to think but I do take umbrage with being left alone for a week not knowing what was happening. It made me seriously consider if this is someone I want a serious relationship with, which I told him today. Think he was genuinely surprised by this and suspect he may not have considered that I also have a choice to make (not just him).

But his outcome from the thinking time is that it is possible to leave. So we will need to meet and talk properly once we can. I love him but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take that step yet. His whole life will blow up.

OP posts:
Stella3 · 01/01/2021 19:51

@Affor

I thought this thread was about support when leaving an AP? You're still an AP? Are you looking for support in continuing your relationship? WTAF?

Original poster
Affor · 01/01/2021 19:55

I'm not looking for support to stay, no.

I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this and could hardly have a thread saying 'AIBU to be an OW and it all work out' could I? This is the only corner of mumsnet I can be honest about the situation for advice.

The people on this thread helped me get through it ending in 2020 and now that things have changed and he wants to make a go of it, this is where I still seek support.

OP posts:
Stella3 · 01/01/2021 19:59

This thread is for people who are trying to leave affairs and affair partners behind. You using it as a place to talk about your ongoing relationship with a married man makes a mockery of that! Can't you see that? This is supposed to be a space for people to get over this type of relationship. How on earth can they do that when you're still in the midst of it, and are giving updates on it all?

Original poster
Affor · 01/01/2021 20:05

Stella were you on the last thread? We were all in different places there and gave each other great support.

I don't recognise your username. What's your AP story?

OP posts:
Stella3 · 01/01/2021 21:34

This thread is called "an AP free 2021". You , as the OP then started talking about being a present AP in the first few posts. This is not a supportive thread, this will not suit my needs and I won't be sharing my story. I won't be commenting again, you should maybe consider restarting the thread with an appropriate name.

Original poster
Affor · 01/01/2021 21:51

That's a shame Stella. You are more than welcome to post on here and get help from other posters if you wish, but understand you may wish to start your own thread about your affair.

Happy to take a back seat and let other posters get the advice they need on this thread, or at least not discuss my situation if it upsets others.

OP posts:
wetasstenalady · 01/01/2021 22:02

Ended things yet again a few days back. He is a cruel selfish narcissistic pig when we split yet everytime we've got back together he's been a different person. Charming. Considerate . Loving. It's amazing how one person can have two totally different sides to them and feel like a stranger.
What hurts me the most is the fact he just truly never has cared and it was all lies

Onthedunes · 01/01/2021 23:17

''It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are"

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 08:33

The thread probably isn't helpful for a person who isn't being honest with themselves about what they're using it for.

Blondesnotbombs · 02/01/2021 21:40

My AP messaged me earlier calling it quits, that he doesn’t want to hurt my family or me. That he would rather wait til we are both single.....

Within two hours of that message he’s asked me to go round for sex, half joking half not. (I’m not going to go)

What am I supposed to do with this.... I love and want him SO much but am feeling much the same / I want o stop but can’t!

wetasstenalady · 02/01/2021 22:08

I'm struggling today. I'm so so tempted to message him. I really want that connection with him. Also feel really emotional today generally. Please anyone who can offer any advice

Blondesnotbombs · 02/01/2021 22:35

Do you have a friend you can message to keep you busy? Mind occupied with someone else??

Onthedunes · 02/01/2021 22:41

I know its difficult but you have a choice.

I didn't...... married forty years until I found out husband was being intimate with someone who didn't mind sharing him.

There is no choice now for me.
I don't like to share.
You have the opportunity to not ruin someone elses life, and take away their choices.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2021 23:13

It's amazing how one person can have two totally different sides to them and feel like a stranger.

That's what they call the push pull in affairs.

Sometimes the stress and guilt (for the married person) can get too much and they act horribly. Or there are times when the primary relationship is going well and the nastiness to the AP surfaces.

When homelife isn't so good, they are once again nice to the AP.

This is what I've been told by MM in affairs or those who were in affairs.