An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

A few comments, I gave up my AP.
We rebuilt our marriage, Tempted to add "if I can keep my resolution anyone can" I used to be weak and thoughtless.
After the changes I became more successful at work. Less frivolous.
There was no confession about what I had done, it was taken as read.
Neither did I make any resolutions, I just did it.
Whatever the family knew they did not comment, they knew it was nowt to do with them.
I am a Christian so I accept that we can be forgiven (for whatever) and 'By their works shall you know them'.
It worked for me and has kept me going 16 years or so,
To those wanting to change, I hope you manage it. Hour by hour, One Day at a Time.
I hope my comments have helped someone.
ttfn

@Thisisme101

I’ve been NC with my AP since New Years Eve. We had a blazing row as I was pushing for him to tell me what future we had as I knew I was being strung along but needed to hear it from him. He fabricated a conversation that he said that we had about me saying I couldn’t bear to break up his family. This never happened. We have never had any conversations about the future ever. It just shows me that he will try and make me believe anything.

We’d been on and off for the last two years and lockdown has given me some space and made me a lot more detached from him as I’ve had to as we’ve not been able to just chat at anytime of the day. It’s not been a choice so I’ve had to manage to cope.

We’ve split up many times before but I feel like this is definitely the final time. It’s been easier each time but he’s always drawn me back in.

There were red flags at the beginning which I chose to ignore. He love bombed me and I soon as I was hooked he stepped back. Same as every time we fall out he reels me back in by putting in maximum effort for a few weeks and then it goes back to him only contacting me on his terms. When he’s bored and lonely.

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of my family life. Constantly looking at my phone when I should have been playing games with my family etc. I’m now re-engaging. It’s hard to know that over the last two years they’ve been making memories and will probably just think of Mummy addicted to her phone, not joining in with family life and being snappy all the time.

It’s a New Year and time for a fresh start...

Your affair partner sounds just like mine. Could even be the same person person 😂 Thing was is was always meant to be fun. But I fell for him and told him look I can't do this anymore I have feelings. Then he revealed (lied) he actually had feelings too to hook me back in. He said he was unfulfilled with his marriage and his goal was to end with with me. Then lo and behold his wife was made redundant and suddenly they wanted to relocate. I asked him what he was on about as he claimed he had an unhappy marriage. He stated well it would be easier to leave if the relocated (wtf) I pointed out if he and his wife had the relocation talk she was obviously thinking they were very solid in their marriage and having a great new life in the sunset. I stopped contact then and went back and forth until I just couldn't bare to even listen to his bullshit. He obviously promised his wife and me all sorts and no doubt can't deliver to anyone. I also think if he really did love and want me he would be doing all he can to contact me and make me realise this. Saying nothing is actually saying something massive. And I take that silence as all I ever need to know. Good luck and remember words are never worth hanging onto only actions

Thanks for the new thread. I am back again. Gone NC just now, the Christmas period spending time with my family made me see how selfish I have been acting. I love AP and he loves me, he wanted to leave his family to be together and at some point I thought I could do the same but the reality is that I can’t. I feel sick every time I think how much pain that decision would cause and who am I do make such a drastic decision on innocent people who have only trusted and loved us! (respective partners). This time the decision feels real, I have touched rock bottom and want to do everything possible to stay strong on this decision, I know why I failed and went back to AP in the past so will avoid making those mistakes again. It is true we all are at different stages and I wish everyone luck.

@User2596

Thanks for the new thread. I am back again. Gone NC just now, the Christmas period spending time with my family made me see how selfish I have been acting. I love AP and he loves me, he wanted to leave his family to be together and at some point I thought I could do the same but the reality is that I can’t. I feel sick every time I think how much pain that decision would cause and who am I do make such a drastic decision on innocent people who have only trusted and loved us! (respective partners). This time the decision feels real, I have touched rock bottom and want to do everything possible to stay strong on this decision, I know why I failed and went back to AP in the past so will avoid making those mistakes again. It is true we all are at different stages and I wish everyone luck.

I wouldn't bet on it anyway. Too risky to think you could be together when the majority of men have no intention of leaving

remember words are never worth hanging onto only actions
So true

@wetasstenalady yes that is how I thought in the past as well, although we love each other I understand now that I wouldn’t have been able to go through leaving our partners and causing so much pain, I got cold feet. I have now blocked him and made arrangements to return stuff I have from him. This hurts so much but I know it is the best decision.

Bloody hell on two weeks NC and I miss his hugs and him just touching me (non sexual) so much my OH never initiates any touching apart from groping me.
I've asked him too he does for a day then goes back to how he was.
I wonder how I'm going to go through the rest of my life without affection.

I've worked very hard on myself and have worked my way out of my relationship with a married man. I am single, in my early fifties, with children. I knew him professionally for a long time. He's ten years older than me. He expressed his interest in summer 2017; I turned him down. My father passed away autumn 2017 and three months later I accepted a drink with him (with a valid professional pretext). I knew what I was doing although I'd never done anything like this in the past. Esther Perel, in her Ted Talk on infidelity, said that most affairs are ignited by a grieving process either for a person or an important part of our lives. I heard her presentation one year after starting this affair and it made me realise how pitifully banal most affairs are. I was heartbroken when my father died as he represented so many positive qualities and this MM was in effect a substitute for my late father.

We definitely had a strong connection but bit by bit I lost respect for myself and for him. He had no remorse for lying to his wife. I found myself constantly encouraging him to make things right with her as he has no intent of leaving her even if their children are in their thirties. I think he is profoundly selfish but I am mostly perturbed by his ability to conceal the truth. He claimed all the time (and still does) I was the one part of his life which gave him joy. Of course I know this isn't true.

I will always feel a connection with him but I decided last summer to end things. I went NC for several months but have been in contact from time to time since. I will not go back to him. It befuddles me how incapable he is of changing his life, his inability to learn how to find his own happiness within his family unit. His feelings for me do not budge an inch. His constancy used to appeal to me but I find him stifling now.

I am focused now on working even harder (three teaching jobs) and I continue to pour my positive energy into my three wonderful children, my family, and close friends. I am determined to pay attention to myself too. To gain confidence in myself (lost after my divorce) and to live happily alone in the hope that maybe one day I might meet someone who is single.

He claimed all the time (and still does) I was the one part of his life which gave him joy. Of course I know this isn't true.

Yes heard that one as well! They must all have a manual

He claimed all the time (and still does) I was the one part of his life which gave him joy. Of course I know this isn't true.

But it could have been true because together you had a construct, a fiction - Camelot - an escape from reality.
It may have been for an all night session or an hour or even a few minutes phone chat where reality stopped.
Keep your head where your feet are and you will win.

Wetasstenalady indeed! His words were often so intense with meaning. Like a teenager falling in love. I fell for it all at first. Obviously no longer. And where were the actions to follow on from those words?

Exactly I was told I was the soulmate he never knew he had. The only one he had actually fell in love with and been utterly obsessed about
Yet now I've stopped contact where is he? Not here because it's all lies!

Another soul mate here - reporting for duty.

One thing I do remember though. His messages always contained typos. His spelling and grammar were crap.

‘Your the love of my life’ would make me melt then be pedantic!

You are my one true soulmate. The other half I never knew I had. We are a match made in the stars

Oh get fucked. You wouldn't even travel to the end of your road for me most days

Curious to know if any of you would have left your partner (if any) if your AP decided to also leave their’s? My AP said today he actually wanted to talk to me about the timescales to leave his wife to be with me which to be honest I don’t buy too much, I think he was hoping that would make me change my mind and decision of stopping contact.

The therapist I'm seeing just described my AP as "an oasis in the dry and unforgiving desert that is my marriage" How does that help anyone?!

Sent a scathing email to AP earlier, asking him all the questions I want the answers to. About what he actually wants from me etc. He's said he can't spend any time with me because it breaks his heart to leave me behind yet he can't say goodbye.. all a load of crap to keep me hanging on as an option! He'd emailed earlier in the day saying he'd answer all questions open and honestly, I went for it with both barrels! Unsurprisingly, he's not responded

I think sometimes people do love two people at the same time, but life isn't just as easy as leaving your wife and children. But yes I agree promises shouldn't be made if they cannot be kept, it's not fair at all.

@Scorpiogirl123 I totally get what you say, my AP wanted to leave his wife but have as little impact as he could on his children, I know this would have been impossible as they will grow up in a split home and perhaps hating him for leaving their mum. My argument was that I didn’t think I or him could be happy together if things turned for the worse. There is also the thought of my husband who has never done anything to deserve a betrayal. It is crazy all the mess we can do to ourselves and those surrounding us when we get into affairs.

@User2596 you're situation sound familiar to mine.
Are yours and your APs kids young?
Are you 'happy' with your husband?

Thank you Romancer for your encouraging words. You are right. I will continue to keep my head, as well as my feet, on the ground as far as he's concerned.

I get cross when people don't use words responsibly, such as "you're my soulmate". Words should be weighed carefully before being expressed.

@Scorpiogirl123

I think sometimes people do love two people at the same time, but life isn't just as easy as leaving your wife and children. But yes I agree promises shouldn't be made if they cannot be kept, it's not fair at all.

Yes we've been round this. No matter how you feel about your spouse or your AP, who can walk away from young children, let alone easily?

And weirdly, he wouldn't be who I love if he could leave his babies for me at their age. Square that circle.

Glad I have stumbled across this thread.
Stopped direct contact with AP( colleague) at Christmas, mainly his choice but was starting to feel hard work and taking over my life. Definitely in mad limerance with him. God knows why, not my type at all.
Everyone would be so shocked if they knew, but we were like the same person in our ways of thinking, although he is very narcissistic (what does that say about me..) and I definitely wouldn't want to be with him.
I have seen him at work today, we just acted very casual.
It still hurts I just want to move on from this and get back to normal.
But I miss him loads and I'm jealous of his wife.
God how did I get myself in this mess. I was a normal bored wife beforehand.

The more I have read about affairs the more I have realised sometimes the feelings we are feeling are more to do with how they make US feel rather than the AP - does that make sense?

For example the feelings make us feel like we are young and care free again with our whole lives ahead of us. They remind us of the person we were before we had all the responsibilities we have now. That 'falling in love' feeling is like a drug and it's intoxicating. A lot of us are in long marriages/relationships where although I'm sure we do love our married partners they don't give us that exciting feeling anymore....as this feeling fades doesn't it?

Yes to how they make ‘us’ feel. But it’s such a shallow unsustainable feeling. It’s passionate and amazing at the time but it’s just chemicals I think?

@ginandcv yes I've read this too. I've also listened to a lot of Esther Perel (I think that's how you spell it?) she's amazing.
My husband is the loveliest man ever so I really don't have an explanation for my actions. But as she says happy people in happy marriages do have affairs...