An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

I posted a couple of times early on in the other thread and am really glad it's still going, thanks Affor. And please do keep posting, no two affairs are the same, some will work out, most will not but we're here to support each other through it. My situation is that it started 9 months ago, both married, quickly became very emotional and physical. I have decided to end my marriage regardless as it's the right thing to do, it's a slow process though and dh doesn't know. APs marriage was on a much stronger footing but his DW now suspects and basically he now has a decision to make. I'm trying to back off but the waiting is torture. I want to walk away but I can't while I still think we may have a future. I know I'm deluded.

I can liken it to being a drug addict.

And then trying to heal but having social media is like picking a scab. That ability to be a few clicks away from seeing what's happening or a perfect version is horrible.

I went months without checking on my AP after he moved in with another woman. But like a moth to a flame I started snooping.

I saw the perfect version of his new life.

Then it turned out to be all bollocks and he left her. But to look on Instagram you'd think he'd died and gone to heaven.

The moral of the story is firstly don't have an affair. Secondly during a breakup of any kind - social media is not your friend!

I must admit I remember reading the advice to anyone at the beginnings of an affair to stop all contact before it gets harder, and disregarding it all as I wasn't going to get hooked, wasn't going to fall in love, had it all under control. Until I didn't. It's good advice ginandcv an affair is very rarely worth it. Sadly for me I'm still at the stage where I'm not regretting it yet although I'm sure I will come to.

@wetasstenalady

I don't want the other man- I think he is almost predatory and was certainly emotionally abusive. He would say stuff like oh I just sulk or make like awkward at home and I usually get what I want.

Very manipulative behaviour.

Be glad you're not his DP/DW. He sounds like he has little respect for women.

He isn't a nice person and I see that. Except he was at times . And those times got fewer and fewer as it went along. I just feel sad that even a total pig like him isn't interested in me anymore.

His lack of interest is actually a blessing. He does or did the bare minimum for you. Shake him off...block him...he's not a good person as you've rightly identified.

I'm not advocating an affair...but they should be fun and carefree....not with an abusive person who you're not even tied to via marriage or kids.

Do you want to work on your marriage or are you no longer invested?

Even if you don't want your marriage...this guy needs to be gone.

I do want to work on my marriage. I haven't told DH what's gone on but I've told him a few months back I feel very vulnerable to an affair due to his lack of affection and withholding of sex
He seems to have taken this on board but who knows how long for. I'm missing chatting to the other man like crazy. We just used to chat incessant nonsense all day and it was lovely. But I know he is a vile person so I need to keep strong

Is anyone finding an upside of the lockdown is that it makes it harder/ impossible to meet AP?

Last time we managed as his wife was a working a couple of days a week. But not anymore. He is already making noises about how hard it will be to find time for me to meet for walks etc, which I think might be the push I need.

I messaged last night to say that I am just emotionally tired and weary from having to ask him to make time for me. I've told him that I don't think I can do this anymore.

In some ways I will be happier to get off the rollercoaster and I know its the right thing. But its also a lot to cut off someone you love, let alone as you enter lockdown. I live alone so seeing him was a big part of what kept me going last time.

Thanks to Stella and others for the encouragement to keep posting.

@ginandcv It has taken me a week to untangle my ideas, Little chance of discovery now, two house moves to different towns and two job changes.
I am more aware and thoughtful about the effect and consequences on people at the time. I was thoughtless and only saw what was in front of me at that moment..
No cheating since, even though I had two offers from new colleagues. One of them would have been really great fun and well financed.
More later if interested.

@AnotherVice

I must admit I remember reading the advice to anyone at the beginnings of an affair to stop all contact before it gets harder, and disregarding it all as I wasn't going to get hooked, wasn't going to fall in love, had it all under control. Until I didn't. It's good advice ginandcv an affair is very rarely worth it. Sadly for me I'm still at the stage where I'm not regretting it yet although I'm sure I will come to.

Me too. After i wrote the message the other day he messaged me so it was just one day with one contact and it felt horrid. Yesterday he was back at work and everything seems normal again.

It was fun at first and i never thought i would feel like this. I know i have to end my marriage but i knew that before. Its more that i just love this man. And he isnt mine. He is actually someone elses even if he says they are not intimate anymore. Its hard and its only going to hurt people.

@Headisgone

In a similar position to you. He makes time as and when he can but it's not enough for me, and it definitely is a downward slope to less and less contact unless he decides to leave.

Yes I'm finding the time is less and less as he's being more careful.

Now we are back at work it seems to be “normal”again. So perhaps it was xmas being with the family locked in and his wife accusing him of having an affair that he didnt want to make too much contact and i didnt reach out to him either. Will have to see what the weekend brings but for now i feel confident in him and in us but overwhelmed by what i feel as i know it can only bring disaster really.

How long has yours been going on? @AnotherVice @wonderingaboutlife1

I'm so missing him today
I hate this- he couldn't give two fucks so why do I care?

@Headisgone
Started in September, ended mid October. Completely non-physical. It's been push and pull since then. We've gone weeks of not talking between then and now, but still can't shake the feelings for each other, one of us always caves and starts the contact back up.

I cannot for the life of me get him out of my head. I've sent a message now saying I need to go no-contact (I've spoken to him already today so may as well start fresh tomorrow, right?!).

He says he's not been happy for 4 years but can't comprehend dealing with the fall out a divorce would cause. I've seen, in person, the way he is treated and I can see why he's not happy, but if he's not willing to walk away from it there's not much I can do.

But of course, I torture myself by being the person he seeks comfort in to talk through their marriage problems - which is how it all started

@wetasstenalady because you're a better person than he is!

@Headisgone It started in March and we've obviously gone through periods of not seeing each other much. Similar to you he had a few days of low contact (messaging a handful of times throughout the day rather than hundreds) after Christmas because of an accusation, we finally had a serious discussion but we're no closer to a resolution. We're basically back to normal now with that uneasy sense of impending doom. I think I need to go no contact for a few weeks so he can figure out what he wants. I already miss him though.

For those in the thick of it...

Have a think about what life would look like on the other side.

Imagine you were together.

Imagine all the exes and children involved were happy

Imagine 5 years down the line. The bin needs taking out. Someone has norovirus. You have an elderly relative that’s requiring tour time. Imagine utter day to day shit. Do you think you’ll be ok?

A pp mentioned about chatting rubbish with their AP. I did that too. I quickly realised it really was just horseshit. We weren’t going to be sending cheeky texts at 1am in the real world. It counted for nothing. It wasn’t enough that he’d send me links to romantic songs etc. Who cares?

My DH got up yesterday to de-ice my car then ordered a new heating element for the oven. That’s much more important than the love bombing from AP.

We still have sexual chemistry and make each other laugh too. It’s not just mundane crap.

@ginandcv You give good advice but your story of hope only works if there's a marriage to salvage. My affair has made me see what my marriage has been lacking, namely love, affection, passion. We both know it's not a true representation of real life which is why we're scared to take that leap.

Yes. I think I’m in the minority - I think my situation is unusual.

I think I’d still think about what’s real and what’s fantasy though?

So forget about the husband in this and think about whether the AP can offer you the relationship you need. Will it work?

I don’t actually believe ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’. I will NEVER cheat again.

I think my life would have been very sad if I’d left for my AP. The collateral damage wouldn’t have been worth it. I didn’t really worry about future potential infidelity. More just the daily grind. Would he make me happy?

I'll be leaving whether I end up with AP or not. It's scary as hell and I'll be worse off in so many ways but I know I can't stay. Daily grind I think me and AP would do fine but I definitely do worry he'd cheat again.

Sympathy @wetasstenalady, I know how you feel. I’ve had such a crappy couple of days. You know when you miss them so much you can think of nothing else - that’s me 😣

How do you get through it?

My marriage is crap, really crap. I’ve asked him to leave twice now. I thought we had agreed really he would look for somewhere to live but he seems to “forget”. He’s becoming pretty aggressive sometimes, not actually hitting me but he threw the washing rack on the floor in a temper, slamming doors and v angry. I need to get this over with.

@ginandcv

What if the daily grind with your husband is the crap part? Mine is never home, never helps, never talks to me. He's sweet and caring and the kids love him but he has a hell of a temper and a tendency to ignore anything difficult.

The AP makes me laugh more than anyone else has. I am physically attracted to H but mentally attracted to AP.

I wish I could shake some of you to wake you up! I understand that you're feeling those love chemicals and so that will cloud your judgement. Yet some of the points made on this thread are so blindingly obvious in helping you overcome these situations you find yourselves in. For instance, reference has been made to the wife being at work and how this facilitated contact for you and your AP. Just think about this fact for a moment. Who - in their right mind - would want to be with a man who plays around with another woman while his wife is at work contributing to the family resources?! Please, please, please wake up.

@EpochTime

I wish I could shake some of you to wake you up! I understand that you're feeling those love chemicals and so that will cloud your judgement. Yet some of the points made on this thread are so blindingly obvious in helping you overcome these situations you find yourselves in. For instance, reference has been made to the wife being at work and how this facilitated contact for you and your AP. Just think about this fact for a moment. Who - in their right mind - would want to be with a man who plays around with another woman while his wife is at work contributing to the family resources?! Please, please, please wake up.

I think that's the situation most people find themselves in. It's blatantly obvious wrong and we all know this. There's just that moment that feels good and it clouds your judgement

Joining for support as this thread appears to be a safe place with understanding not judgment.
I'm a single OW and due to start a new job to get myself out of a situation with a colleague which has gone on for a number of years. I know it's the right thing to do. But it hurts like hell. The very few friends in real life that I have told all say it's a fresh start, a new beginning. If I hear those cliches one more time I will scream. I'm not happy and looking forward to it, I'm in pain. Friends think I should be breezily walking away from him and 'moving onto my next chapter'. It hurts, I'm down and have zero support.

I’ve been NC with my AP since New Years Eve. We had a blazing row as I was pushing for him to tell me what future we had as I knew I was being strung along but needed to hear it from him. He fabricated a conversation that he said that we had about me saying I couldn’t bear to break up his family. This never happened. We have never had any conversations about the future ever. It just shows me that he will try and make me believe anything.

We’d been on and off for the last two years and lockdown has given me some space and made me a lot more detached from him as I’ve had to as we’ve not been able to just chat at anytime of the day. It’s not been a choice so I’ve had to manage to cope.

We’ve split up many times before but I feel like this is definitely the final time. It’s been easier each time but he’s always drawn me back in.

There were red flags at the beginning which I chose to ignore. He love bombed me and I soon as I was hooked he stepped back. Same as every time we fall out he reels me back in by putting in maximum effort for a few weeks and then it goes back to him only contacting me on his terms. When he’s bored and lonely.

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of my family life. Constantly looking at my phone when I should have been playing games with my family etc. I’m now re-engaging. It’s hard to know that over the last two years they’ve been making memories and will probably just think of Mummy addicted to her phone, not joining in with family life and being snappy all the time.

It’s a New Year and time for a fresh start...