An APfree 2021

[Affor]

Hi all. Thread two for the leaving AP support.

No hate or trolling please. We know how you feel about it, we've heard it all. We're trying to figure out our feelings and make better decisions to be happier.

Yes to Esther Perel. I was so very depressed on ending my affair last year. I downloaded her audiobook and it was a huge help.

Her podcasts are worth listening to as well.

@Scorpiogirl123 I don’t have any children, he’s got two under 5. My husband is a very good man, I know he loves me, the big part where we have issues is over starting a family, I want children, he doesn’t so I think seeing AP with children made me fantasise about having a family. AP said he would have children with me which obvs messed up my head. I will have a look at Esther Perel.

@User2596

Curious to know if any of you would have left your partner (if any) if your AP decided to also leave their’s? My AP said today he actually wanted to talk to me about the timescales to leave his wife to be with me which to be honest I don’t buy too much, I think he was hoping that would make me change my mind and decision of stopping contact.

At first yes- but then unpredictable ugly outbursts would occur and make me think how he would be to live with But deep down I knew he wouldn't leave any and was all talk. That's the one saving grace

@User2596 aw that's a tough situation for you. Sorry to hear that.
Is your husband prepared to lose you over this decision?
Do you think your AP would realistically leave his family for you?

@User2596 if you think for one minute you would leave your husband for this man you need to tell him in no uncertain terms you would only possibly consider this when he has left. You can't trust what he says when he talks about time frames or anything when he's still with someone. Talk is cheap

@Scorpiogirl123 I have talked about this with my husband and the last thing he said once he realised I would actually leave over his decision was that he wanted to make me happy and would compromise. I am just nervous he is only saying this to keep me with him and when it actually comes to starting a family changes his mind again.

I think AP would have left yes, he is very practical and wanted to ‘sort out’ things before making the move, he got a better paid job as he said this will help when he needed to pay child maintenance and also keep paying the mortgage so his children would stay in the house he lives with his wife to minimise the impact on them. He has never spoke badly about his wife and I think he is a very good dad (in spite of the fact he is cheating).

@wetasstenalady yes I said to him words are just that and only actions would show the truth. I think maybe him leaving his family starting to look real and I got scared of what that would actually mean, I can’t blame him for all as I also said at some point I would leave my husband but right now I wouldn’t want to hurt him and in spite of all I care deeply about him and want us to try again and be happy.

@User2596 I suppose you have to decide on whether to move forward with your husband and start and family - if your husband is willing?

Or to put your trust in your AP and believe he will leave to be with you?
What I would say though is he needs to make the move first to prove to you is he serious before you leave your husband. That would be my advice.

@Scorpiogirl123 yes I made that decision today and decided I would try to move forward with my husband, the starting the family prob won’t happen for the next 3 or 4 years so I will have to see during this time if our issues are deeper than just the starting the family situation. What I want to do is if I decide to stay or leave my husband to be unrelated to APs promises. I have gone NC with AP and blocked him, he was devastated and said he wanted to talk about the next steps for us to be together but I have made up my mind and will stick to it for as long as I can.

@User2596 ok that's a good first step. You've made your mind up. I found when I stopped talking to my AP I actually felt closer to my husband.

Not going to lie it is hard. Sounds strange but I think one of the most difficult things for me was although I wanted to move on and not feel crappy anymore, I also didn't want AP to move on and 'get over me.' However he was my first bf so I think we will probably always love each other - but the feelings will have to be put in a box and locked away

@Scorpiogirl123 I totally understand what you said about him moving on from me. We love each other and as he said will prob do for the rest of our lives but we are just not right for each other. I have tried to end things in the past and the pain was unbearable, I am trying to stay positive but I know I will have days when all I would want is to run back to him. All I hope is to have the strength. Thanks for your message by the way x

@User2596 believe me, I have been backwards and forwards so many times. This time it feels more real, I know in the long run it's the best thing for me. Although he made me happy the lows were just unbearable at times and I have two children who I need to have my head screwed on for! I need to have a bit more care for myself. The situation between me and him is just impossible really.
Anyway try and stay strong - at least give it a proper go with your husband - you don't want to wonder 'what if.' Then at least if you really try and things don't work out at least you know you gave it your all. x

@User2596 ps feel free to DM me if you need to x

I got a 'phone call from MM tonight. I have avoided talking to him for weeks. He sounded so low. He told me he missed me more than he could bear, etc. I had to end the call because there was nothing more I could say. I am so grateful not to have fallen for this again. I am moving on and away. I still have work to do on myself but I'll get there.

@DustyMuse wow well done. You're doing amazingly well x

@DustyMuse

I got a 'phone call from MM tonight. I have avoided talking to him for weeks. He sounded so low. He told me he missed me more than he could bear, etc. I had to end the call because there was nothing more I could say. I am so grateful not to have fallen for this again. I am moving on and away. I still have work to do on myself but I'll get there.

Block him then surely? Close all lines of communication for good.

Thank you so much Scorpiogirl123. It's taken me a long time to get here. It's one step at the time with a few more to go.

How are you this evening?

No, I won't block him, youvegottenminuteslynn. Curiously not blocking him makes things less dramatic for me. A slow fade. It feels healthier for me. Stepping away is necessary though.

I only block people who were willingly nasty to me. This relationship has been a source of pain but he has never willingly caused me any harm. Three years is a long time to know someone. I cared for him, and still do on another level.

@DustyMuse I'm ok thank you. I have good and bad moments - but I guess that's normal isn't it? This is the worst time to NC as there aren't many distractions are there.
Do you think it's possible to be friends with an AP - or is that wishful thinking?

I think it's probably wishful thinking if I'm honest.

I live in France so we're not in lockdown like in the UK but we have a curfew so I'm basically working hard out teaching or at home with my children. All this to say I totally understand how lonely you may be feeling during these strange times. It really is tough to stay resolute.

[quote Scorpiogirl123]@DustyMuse I'm ok thank you. I have good and bad moments - but I guess that's normal isn't it? This is the worst time to NC as there aren't many distractions are there.
Do you think it's possible to be friends with an AP - or is that wishful thinking? [/quote]
DH and AP apparently managed to stay friends long after their affair ended. I was in blissful ignorance of even the friendship let alone the affair for a good 8 years.
Once his wife founds out about you that friendship will have to end @Scorpiogirl123. Do you want to take the risk?

@DustyMuse I'm ok, I'm not lonely as I have my lovely husband and 2 kids at home with me.
I suppose I just feel sad about it all as he was my first love, first everything and we re-connected, so I just feel sad at the thought of just never talking to him again, do you know what I mean? But then I feel if we did continue as friends, if I'm realistic it would never just be 'friends' would it?

@SecondStageIgnition mmm yes I know what you mean, it's something to bare in mind. Thank you.

@DustyMuse

No, I won't block him, youvegottenminuteslynn. Curiously not blocking him makes things less dramatic for me. A slow fade. It feels healthier for me. Stepping away is necessary though.

I only block people who were willingly nasty to me. This relationship has been a source of pain but he has never willingly caused me any harm. Three years is a long time to know someone. I cared for him, and still do on another level.

Sorry but you're kidding yourself here. You say it's painful / a struggle etc for it to be over. Yet you have available to you (especially due to distance) a way to cut contact for good by blocking and you don't want to. This is the man you don't want to break contact with:

bit by bit I lost respect for myself and for him. He had no remorse for lying to his wife... I think he is profoundly selfish... I am mostly perturbed by his ability to conceal the truth.

On some level (a very obvious one as an outsider) you enjoy hearing from him because he makes you feel wanted and helps you dress up a run of the mill affair as something romanticised and special.

He's a liar. You were complicit in those lies. You claim to now want to not continue those lies. Yet you stay in contact with the liar, knowing that in the past his efforts to contact you have succeeded.

If you really, genuinely knew you wouldn't respond to him and really, genuinely wanted it to be over then you'd block him on everything.

At least be honest with yourself about it. This may all sound harsh but I've witnessed a number of friends behave this way, each thinking their situation is different / special / an anomaly, not realising just how run of the mill and boring most affairs seem to be. Even on this thread you've seen others who have experienced the infamous script.

If you don't want him back and don't need his validation you would block him.

The fact you won't and are dressing that fact up with reasoning that doesn't make sense logically means you need to investigate that decision ideally with a therapist so you can explore it and come up with a plan of action as to how to tackle it.

I only block people who were willingly nasty to me. This relationship has been a source of pain but he has never willingly caused me any harm.

This is genuinely interesting as I would happily block someone who was a liar / bully / misogynist / other things that don't sit well with my morals, even if their behaviour wasn't explicitly directed at me in particular.

He has willingly caused you harm as he's made you complicit in his lies. You've done the same, youve harmed other people (like his wife) but he is the central force in all of it as he chooses to be in a relationship with her publicly and you in secret. You say he hasn't willingly hurt you but isn't that demeaning?

So basically he thinks so little of you that you're meant to believe you're his soulmate but only to the point of shagging you and telling you how different and special you are behind closed doors... he has hurt you.

He's been the reason you have behaved in ways you I assume you never thought you would - shagging a married man and not thinking they are a gross sleaze for example.

This must have damaged your self esteem and self worth and I hate that you don't think there has been any willingness to harm you on his part. He knew it caused pain and he continued for ages. So did you. You are romanticising a run of the mill, common garden variety affair and I wish you could wake up and block this prick so you can move on and heal.

Thank you for spending so much time writing these two posts about me youvegottenminuteslynn. I'm not sure why you have gone to such lengths to quote me and prove me to be completely wrong in my thinking to the point when, according to you, I need therapy? I am at peace with myself and my decisions.

If you read my previous posts you will see I have pointed out that I know how mundane affairs are; there was nothing exceptional in ours either. I have accepted how imperfect we have both been and I have opted out. I'm in a much better place now and moving forwards.

I am careful now not to waste my energy though. I won't be responding again should you wish to write another post about me.